Starfish is a Bad Friend

So I stumbled across this collection of Aboriginal tales last week
and while the introduction wins the H.P. Lovecraft Prize for Casual Racism
(Which is something I want to talk about in a later post)
I like these stories
so I am going to tell at least one more
it is about how friendship is bullshit.

Okay so way back in the day
before factory farming and sportfishing
all the animals are people
I mean like actual human people but just with animal names
i think this is taking the “animals can talk and do math” conceit TOO FAR
but whatever I’m not writing this story I’m just retelling it
if the original tellers of this story want to turn all of nature
into one mass of quivering human flesh
constantly resorting to cannibalism
for lack of any other protein source
i mean hey why not make all the plants human too
naked humans loping around on all fours
nibbling succulent bouquets of fingers sprouting from the earth
BUT ENOUGH BODY HORROR

These animals have heard of a place called Australia
no idea where they reside currently
but wherever it is, it sucks and Australia sounds better
so they all decide to go there
but they need a boat
and only one of them owns a boat that is big enough:
Whale.
Whale is a real dickhole though
he’s that kid from kindergarten
whose parents bought him one of those little electric jeeps
and he wouldn’t let you ride in it when you came over
even though he had access to it literally ALL THE TIME
and you didn’t because your parents were socialists
but he didn’t care and he would just ride it around in front of you
laughing like the pompous little shit he was
but then you went on to start a popular mythology website
so NOW WHO’S LAUGHING TOBY?????
I HOPE YOU DIED IN AN ELECTRICAL FIRE YOU PROTOTYPICAL FUCKBOY

anyway the whale won’t let anyone share his canoe
so all the other “animals” get together to figure out what to do
they’re like “shit, how are we gonna get Whale’s boat?
I mean let’s be realistic
we’re not going to build our own boat
not like we all have human bodies
with thumbs and highly developed brains
which would easily allow us to construct an even better boat
no
stealing is the only option
BUT HOW???”
and that’s when Starfish speaks up

Now Starfish is Whale’s best friend
which i think speaks to how few friends Whale has
because Starfish is like “yo guys
I am 100% willing to betray my best friend so you can steal his boat
Here is my plan:
I will distract him
and you will steal his boat.”
and the other “animals” are like “How are you gonna distract him”
and the starfish is like “You leave that to me”
*WINK*

So Starfish goes to Whale and he’s like “Yo man
your hair is full of vermin
let’ me get out the vermin for you
I don’t mind touching gross shit.
I’m friends with you, after all.”
and Whale
who has to take whatever friendship he can get
is like “Sure fine clean my hair.”
So starfish sits him down facing away from his boat
and he starts digging lice out of Whale’s hair
and telling him funny stories
and scratching around his ears
to keep him from hearing his boat being stolen
and every once in a while Whale will be like “wait, my boat
is my boat ok? do you see it?”
and Starfish just bangs a piece of wood he found against a rock
and is like “YUP THAT’S THE SOUND OF YOUR BOAT
SEEMS FINE.”
and Whale is like “yes of course
I trust you because you are my friend and you have no reason to lie”
but finally he gets a little suspicious
and he turns around
and sees EVERY OTHER ANIMAL stealing his boat
and he’s like “STARFISH YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I AM GOING TO RUIN YOUR WHOLE BODY”
and that’s what he does
he beats the everloving crap out of his treacherous friend
who only manages to poke a hole in the top of his head
before slithering away to hide in the sand
and that’s why
TO THIS DAY
starfish always look raggedy as hell
and also why they hide in the sand

so then whale
with a big hole in his head
jumps into the water and starts chasing the boat
blowing water out his head-hole
and the animals on the boat are freaking out
but Bear is like “Nah guys it’s cool
I’m comping all y’all’s tickets
TO THE GUN SHOW”
and then he uses his massive arms
to row the boat way faster than Human!Whale can swim
and they get to australia
and then they throw a dance party in the boat
totally wrecking it
and turning it into an island
and then Whale finally shows up
to see that they fucked up his boat for no reason
and he can’t even go on land
i guess because he’s too angry
and that’s why
to this day
whales are a metaphor for singleminded ambition cruelly punished
and bears will fuck you up.

So the moral of the story
is that if you value your possessions
you shouldn’t have friends

The end.

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