The Bible Took Out All the Coolest Shit About Solomon

Okay so this is the time of the month
where I tell a myth from a mythos recommended by my patreon backers
and this month I’m supposed to tell a story about like
Solomon or David or Saul
from the book of Samuel or the book of kings
or really anything judeochristian
but I started thinking
why are we always talking about “judeochristian” shit
and leaving out muslim shit?
like, isn’t muslim shit part of the same tradition?
isn’t the Qur’an the third book in the Monotheism Trilogy?
seriously, why aren’t we talking about “judeochristimuslim” mythology?
is it because that’s a super awkward portmanteu
or is this some more white people shit?
it’s definitely NOT because the Qur’an is boring
do you realize
there are fucking GENIES in the Qur’an???
SPOILER ALERT:
THERE ARE FUCKING GENIES IN THE QUR’AN
AND talking animals
AND all your favorite characters from the first two books
like David and Solomon
ESPECIALLY Solomon.

Now I know there are a lot of Solomon fans out there
so I’m bracing myself for a torrent of hatemail when I say:
Old Testament Solomon is kind of a boring chump.
Like, he threatens to chop ONE baby in half
and granted that’s pretty cool
but Old Testament god is routinely murdering HUNDREDS of babies at a go
he turns an entire city of people to slag for being gays
the bar for weird violence is pretty high is what I’m saying.
Other than that baby thing, Solomon is pretty skippable
he builds a temple
he has an army
the queen of sheba seems to think he’s pretty cool
but we don’t even get to see them bone
SNORE

MEANWHILE, over in the Qur’an
Solomon is a fucking boss
he can control the wind
he can talk to animals
he’s got genies on the fucking payroll
because oh yeah did I mention
THERE ARE FUCKING GENIES IN THE QUR’AN YOU GUYS
and all of this is because
(as the Old Testament will confirm)
when Solomon became king
God came up to him and was like “yo
I was friends with your dad
So I will give you any superpower you want
what superpower you want”
and Solomon is like “How about SUPER-WISDOM
so that I can always be a JUST AND RIGHTEOUS KING”
and God is like “WHAT A DOPE ANSWER
SO SELFLESS
SUCH KIND
HERE, HAVE ALL THESE OTHER SUPERPOWERS AS A BONUS”

And Solomon is truly very wise
even before he gets god-wisdom
like one time, Solomon and his dad are hanging out
and these two dudes come up to them
and one of them is like “That dude’s goats ate my vineyard
make him fix it”
and the other dude is like “nuh uh”
and Solomon’s first instinct is to chop the goats in half
but he thinks about it for a second
and then he’s like “okay check it out
vineyard dude, you own the goats now
and goat dude, you own the vineyard now
this will continue until the vineyard is fixed
now would someone please hurry up and invent the microphone
because I need to drop it.”
and everyone is like OH SHIT SUCH JUSTICE

And he is a genuinely nice dude too
like you know how he can understand animals?
well one time he’s about to step on some ants
and the ants are like “OH FUCK IT’S KING SOLOMON’S FOOT
FUCKING BOOK IT”
and Solomon hears them and he’s like “Oh damn
better watch were I step”
and then he walks carefully for the REST OF HIS LIFE
JUST SO HE WON’T FUCK UP ANY ANTS

Oh yeah and then later he dies
but he dies standing up, in front of all his genies and shit
and he is so full of fucking gravitas
he just stays standing
and everybody thinks he is just taking a really long dramatic pause
until god sends a termite to eat his staff
and he falls down
and everyone learns a valuable lesson about stroke awareness.

So the moral of the story
is why don’t they sell embossed boxed sets
of the Torah/New Testament/Qur’an
I would buy the hell out of that

the end

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17 thoughts on “The Bible Took Out All the Coolest Shit About Solomon

  1. “Judeo-Christian” is indeed white Christian bullshit that excludes Muslims, speaks over Jews, and ignores other Abrahamic faiths.

    • Christendom is a white thing now? I’ll just go let the Armenians know. Who were the first christians. And then the Assyrians. And many Perzians also converted long before christendom ever set foot in Europe.

      You fuckers who see everything through a racial lense could at least inform yourselves better. “christendom is a white thing”. There are more fucking Chinese Christians these days than there are Americna Christians.

  2. I think you mean “Judeichristo-islamormon”. This ain’t Indiana Jones, you can’t just act like the fourth one never happened.

  3. What’s great is that in the Jewish tradition Solomon also got a ring that could control demons. He used that and his Super-Wisdom to conscript the entirety of Hell into building the Temple for him.

  4. Come to think of it, I never did find out where Neil Gaiman got that cuh-razy sh!t about the Queen of Sheba for American Gods.

  5. Dude! You left out the part about the Queen of Sheba in the Quran. Like when a genie brings her throne to Solomon in a twinkle of an eye to surprise her when she visits his kingdom.

  6. Its because the Quran is heretical, you filthy heretic. Also doesnt contribute much to the whole judeo-christian theological debate. Mostly its just about Mohammed and his wacky pillaging hijinks.

    Also “a white people thing”? You’re white, you self loathing weirdo.

  7. I started these Myths last wednesday and have now just completed all of 2010.

    Ony another 4 and a half years worth to go before I make it to this point.

  8. obligatory “sodom and gomorroah didn’t happen because of gay people, it happened because they raped an angel” which, by the way, i never put 2 and 2 together on this before, but now i’m thinking about this while also being aware that angels did not look a damn thing like they are depicted in like, church paintings as being, and instead are like these eldritch monstrosities, so maybe those people getting turned into salt or burned into slag or whatever was actually kind of a mercy to everyone involved.

    • My Old Testament Studies teacher specifically said that S&G got roasted because in the eyes of tradition raping a man is worse than raping a woman.

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