The Norse Are Not The Only Dudes Who Have Problems With Giants

Alright so you may have already figured this out
but i did not start doing a video myth of the life of Christ yesterday
even though i totally said I was gonna
because you know what?
GRAD SCHOOL
but i’ll be doing it in the next few days
don’t you worry your pretty little heads
or if your heads are huge and grotesque
you still shouldn’t worry
even though I am a little worried every time I see or think about you

OKAY SO ONE TIME ZEUS FUCKED OVER SOME TITANS

this was back when he was basically just fucking over everyone in a straight line
on a one-man mission to leave no throne un-usurped and no ballsack un-severed
(speaking of which have you guys read The Name of The Wind?
yeah
it’s basically that)
but yeah apparently imprisoning an entire race of giant dudes
is a very efficient way to piss off their massive horde of unruly bros
so all these giants
who are like the giants we all know and love
except with SNAKES FOR LEGS
not an individual snake tail like the Serpent King or any of that weak shit
these guys have ONE SNAKE PER LEG
that actually seems structurally unstable
but guys
sometimes you have to be structurally unstable in order to be TOTALLY AWESOME
TAKE THAT ARCHITECTS
woo tangent

okay so these giants are pissed off
and the way they decide to express their pissed-offitude
is by climbing up on a bunch of mountains
and repeatedly hurling rocks at mount olympus
until it looks like one of those trolls from the neverending story
the ones that eat rocks or whatever
but yeah no one on mt. olympus can get ANYTHING DONE and it’s really pissing them off
and to make matters worse
Hera has to go and make a totally emo prophecy like hey guys
there’s no way we can kill these giants
except with the help of a lion-skinned mortal
and even then it will only work
if we keep the giants from finding this immortality weed
that we allowed to grow on earth for some reason
I guess this is what happens when you kill all the people who created the world
and then take over in their place
there is no transition meeting
no one tells you these things
but yeah

so the gods put their heads together
and they figure out that the lion-skinned dude Hera is talking about
is actually Hercules
because of how he walks around all the time wearing a lion skin cape
so they send some dudes to go get his help
and meanwhile Zeus comes up with a great plan to find the immortality herb
which is he has Phoebus and Selene turn off all the lights
and then he just goes groping around on earth in the dark to find that shit
guided by Athena because I guess she knows this kind of shit
honestly I think zeus just turned the lights out
because he wanted the excuse to go around on earth groping people in the dark
but anyway he totally finds the herb and brings it up to mt. Olympus
where it is of no use to anyone
PERFECT

meanwhile the gods manage to get Hercules in on this
and then they’re like HEY GIANTS
IT’S TIME TO D-D-D-D-DDUEL
and then everyone starts killing each other
or at least trying
because the first thing that happens is hercules shoots some giant in the head
and he falls down
but then he gets right back up
because apparently he can’t be killed when he has home court advantage
so Athena is like HERCULES
QUICK
DRAG HIM TO ANOTHER COUNTRY
so hercules does
and then he beats him to death with a club
it’s that easy

but while Hercules is out of the country
this one giant named Porphyrion gets it into his head to charge the gods
and Athena is the only person who gets her balls up enough to mount a defense
but Porphyrion is not interested in Athena
he’s only interested in MOLESTING THE EVERLOVING CRAP OUT OF HERA
and zeus sees this and is like AW HELL NO
I AM CHOOSING THIS AS A CONVENIENT TIME TO START CARING ABOUT MY WIFE
and he just zaps that fucker with a lightning bolt
and then Hercules comes back for the murder assist

the rest of the battle is pretty boring
basically how it goes is the gods keep wounding the giants
and then Hercules has to come over and do the coup de grace
like a long chain of the most BRUTAL ALLEY-OOPS
it gets kind of monotonous once everybody figures it out
and nothing interesting happens
except that Bacchus starts beating giants to death with his Thyrsus
which is literally just a big stalk of fennel tied up with ivy
and topped with a fucking pinecone
he is beating giants to death with this thing
I tell you
they don’t make booze like they used to

anyway eventually the giants get fed up with dying so much and they run away
but not before Athena throws a big rock the size of an island at one of them
and simultaneously kills the giant and invents Sicily
and basically the gods just run after the giants
making sure they stab or bludgeon or fry every single one of those dudes in the back
also,
Silenus
who you may remember as Dionysis’s alcoholic stepdad/tutor
totally claims he was at the battle
but in reality he just ate some mushrooms he found
and spent several hours yelling epithets at a tree

so the moral of the story
is if you are going to imprison a really big group of people
make sure you also kill all their relatives

THE END.

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9 thoughts on “The Norse Are Not The Only Dudes Who Have Problems With Giants

  1. you really ought to have some fun with the fact that in one version, the two giants are Poseidon's sons, by a woman who he made pregnant simply by "being" the water when she was swimming in the ocean.

    In another version, they kill themselves by simultaneously throwing their spears at Artemis, who has cleverly gone for the 2x enfilade combo

  2. FANTASTIC dwarf shirt–thank you! My husband (a writer who has actually published books in which dwarves figure prominently) loves it. Thank you!

    And people! Order some shirts from this man. They're great!

  3. I approve of the "Name of the Wind" reference. That book is fucking amazing.

    ALL ladies belong to Zeus, and woe betide any giants who think of groping his ladies.

  4. Way I heard it, Heracles killed Porphyrion, causing Hera to apologize for her previous bitchiness and arrange a hookup with her hot daughter.

    On the other hand, there’s also a vase somewhere that shows angry!Hera skewering Porphyrion with a spear herself (with him doubtless thinking this is not the kind of impalement he had planned).

    • The way I heard it, Hera felt guilty or whatever after Heracles died in agony on that fire, so they made peace and she hooked him up with a daughter of hers. Youth goddess Hebe, I think.

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