Monthly Archives: August 2010

Mudtits

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So there’s this cat Cheng Wei

he’s some kind of chinese nobleman or whatever
who gives a shit
this story isn’t really about him
it’s more about
what an asshole he is
and also about his wife
whose name i have no way of knowing

anyway one day Cheng Wei is being a puss nexus
like WAAAAAH
WAAAAH
I’VE GOT A BIG OL MEETING IN AN HOUR
WITH LIKE THE EMPEROR OR SOMETHING
AND I ORDERED A SILK ROBE
AND IT IS NOT READY YET
WHAT DO I DO WHAT DO I DO

and his wife is like chill dude
and she waves her hands
and two bolts of silk appear on the table
and then she waves her hands
and the silk becomes a really sweet robe
way to take all the skill out of robemaking by the way
but so then she gives the robe to Chen Wei
like BAM
THE DAY IS SAVED
THANKS TO MY WEIRD FASHION MAGIC
and her husband is like thanks
but also i am secretly jealous
of your weird fashion magic

so both Chen Wei and his wife
have a hobby
this hobby
is called ALCHEMY
so while some people like to spend their evenings
having sex and smoking opium
these two spend their evenings
not having sex and turning mercury into gold
or at least trying
see Cheng Wei sucks at alchemy
he could not even transmute bacon
into slighly less bacon
he is just really shitty at this

but then one night
after a long evening of solitary failure
cheng wei walks past his wife’s laboratory
yeah
she totally has a laboratory
and he looks in and sees something glinty in her hands
and he busts in like BITCH
DID YOU MAKE GOLD AND NOT TELL ME
and his wife is like yeah what of it
and Chen Wei is like WELL
WE COULD HAVE BEEN MAKING TWICE AS MUCH GOLD
DO YOU HEAR ME
DOUBLEGOLD
and his wife is like sure ok
but you aren’t destined to learn alchemy
so fuck that
go away

so then Cheng Wei goes away
but he’s SUPER PISSED about it
and he starts trying to like
bribe his wife into telling him the secret
using gold and jewels
and his wife is like psh
i can MAKE gold and jewels
out of PISS and CARDBOARD
fuck off
so then Cheng Wei gets DOUBLE PISSED
and he hits up his friend
like hey
why dont you go beat up my wife for alchemy secrets
if you get me some secrets
i will make you rich i promise

so Cheng Wei’s friend
we’ll call him Cheng Asshole
comes up with a plan
that involves poisoning Cheng Wei’s wife
and then withholding the antidote
but she figures out that this is what is going on
and she goes to her husband like
hey Cheng Wei
hey
certain people just aren’t destined
to receive the tao
okay?
maybe i’ll meet a guy on the street tomorrow
and decide to teach him alchemy
because of destiny
maybe i will never tell anyone
and Cheng Asshole will poison me and i will vomit my uterus
either way
quit being a dick

then she goes to her room
gets naked
smears mud all over her body
and goes streaking out of town
like BLUH BLUH BLUH BLUH
TOTALLY CRAZY NOW GUYS
and her husband tries to chase her
but she has crazy legs
and so can’t be stopped

later all the townspeople
see a crazy woman go shooting up towards heaven
to live with the immortals
and meanwhile Cheng Wei
spends the rest of his life
trying to make the pill of immortality
and turn mercury into gold
and fails at both things
and is bitter and sad forever

moral of the story?
never marry someone smarter than you
they will just end up smearing their naked body with mud
and ascending to heaven

The End

It’s That Odyssey Time Again

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Yes indeed kids and pedophiles
time for the second
and slightly longer installment
of the odyssey
faithfully translated from the original greek
into VIDEO WORDSAUCE FOR YOUR EARFACE

now i forgot to rewarn you guys yesterday
but my sources tell me that several people
have suffered face-related injuries
as a result of that last post
so please
for the children
hold on tight

is your face still there?
Blink twice for no.

That’s Right, THAT Odyssey

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It’s happening guys
Myths retold is about to bring you
the first faithful translation
of Homer’s Odyssey
IN VIDEOVISION

but because i know you guys
and i know how you don’t have attention spans
I’m posting this shit five minutes at a time
it will probably take six days
in fact what i’m going to do
is every day i’m NOT posting a regular myth
(Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Sunday)
I will post part of this video extravaganza

so without further ado
THIS THING:

And no, I’m not wearing anything under that hat.

Tao Time Motherfuckers

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Oh hey so first of all guys
Good news
I just got TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS DONATED TO ME
by loving fan(s)
through the medium of the INTERNET
so i am going to pass the joy i feel in my heart
along to you
in the form of the first ever ULTRA VIDEO MYTH
as in tomorrow I am going to post a totally new
totally sweet myth
that i have never written down
and i am just going to scream it into the camera
and it is going to come flying out of your speakers and monitor
and just utterly rip off your face
and then i am going to have to find new readers for my blog
so for my sake
when you come to this website tomorrow
please
hold on to your faces
hold on tight

now to the pleasure part of this business
you are about to hear a story
about magic
and poop
and i wish i could say the magic was the most important part

So Fei Chang-fang right
he’s interested in the tao from a very early age
and then at a slightly less early age
he becomes a police officer
but then he quits because fuck the police

so then one day Chang-fang is hanging out at a restaurant
and he sees this old man
come walking into the town square
and sit down
and pull some medicinal herbs
cough cough
out of a large gourd
and sell them all day

now chang-fang
having just quit his job
has nothing better to do
than sit in the restaurant
and watch this dude sell drugs all day
so that’s what he does
and at the end of the day
the old dude puts all his herbs back into the gourd
and then
shoop
jumps into the gourd himself
and chang-fang just sits there like

what

so he comes back to the restaurant every day
for like the next week
and the old guy does the same thing every day
and finally chang-fang is like
fuck it i’m gonna go talk to this dude
so he gets up
and walks across the courtyard
but right when he is about to get up in the old guy’s shit
the old guy goes SHOOP MOTHERFUCKER
and jumps into his gourd
so Chang-Fang goes and looks in the gourd
and i will be DAMNED my friends
if there isn’t an entire fucking HOUSE in that gourd
(clarification: there is
there is definitely a house in that gourd)
and the old dude is sitting in there
and he walks right up to the mouth of the gourd
and looks chang-fang right in the eye
and is like HOW DID YOU SEE ME GO INTO THE GOURD
ONLY PEOPLE
WHO CAN LEARN MAGIC
CAN SEE ME GO INTO THE GOURD
DO YOU WANT TO LEARN MAGIC
HERE
COME HAVE LUNCH IN MY GOURD

so chang-fang jumps into the gourd with the old dude
and they have a tasty lunch
and they have many tasty lunches for days afterwards
and discuss the mysteries of the tao

now this could be the end of the story right here
but i think that we can all agree
that that would be pretty lame
and some of you out there are probably thinking to yourselves
hold on
didn’t he promise us some poop
i want to see some poop
well hold your poophorses my friends
because this story is just getting started

so one day the old man in the gourd is like
hey chang-fang
i have a confession to make
i am actually a taoist immortal
imprisoned on earth for breaking the laws of heaven
they make me sell drugs down here
to atone
probably
for selling drugs up there
anyway I get out tomorrow
and i’m totally going back to the immortal kingdom
do you want to come

and Chang-Fang is like DO I
fuck do i?
cause see
Chang-fang has a family
and he doesn’t want them to worry about him
and the old dude is like boy do i have a solution for that
here
take this bamboo stick
and hang it from a tree in front of your house
so chang-fang does
and then his parents come outside
and they see the stick
only instead of a stick they see THEIR SON
HE KILLED HIMSELF THEY ARE SO SAD
and they start crying
and meanwhile chang-fang is like guys
guys
totally not dead guys
standing right here
right next to the stick you are crying about
but they don’t see or hear him
so the old man is like welp
looks like i just destroyed your only reason
for not coming with me
wanna come with me?
and Chang-Fang is like yeah ok

so they journey to the immortal mountains
which are some pretty sweet mountains
let me tell you
i mean actually that’s all i know about them
never having been there or anything
but trust me they are pretty sweet

so the old man leads chang-fang into a cave
and he is like sit down on this slab of rock
and chang-fang does
and then the old man is like WAM BAM WIZZOW
and conjures a huge rock over chang-fang’s head
suspended by a puny-ass rope
and then he’s like FIZZANG PACHOW BLORB
and summons a bunch of snakes
that start biting the shit out of the rope
and the rope starts to fray
and chang-fang is just like yawn
i see you have some snakerope
well done i guess

so the old man is like NICE!
you can totally learn magic and divination
alright follow me
and he leads him up a mountain pass
and then
wait for it guys
wait for it
he waves his hands
and ABRA KADABRA
IT’S POOPTIME
seriously there is just so much poop all of a sudden
just a massive pile of poops
and do you know what it is covered in
not marshmallows
or peanut brittle
MAGGOTS
JUST A WHOLE BUNCH OF MAGGOTS
and the old man grabs three maggots
and is like here Chang-fang
here are some maggots for you to eat
and chang-fang is like what no
and the old man is like aww man
i thought you were cool
looks like you don’t get to be an immortal
EVER
and chang-fang is like i guess that’s ok
if being an immortal means i have to eat poopmaggots
wait actually
what i meant to say
is i’m totally cool with not being immortal
as long as i can use my powers to help people
and make their lives better
by the way do you have any magic gifts for me
and the old man is like well
since you have SUCH A GOOD HEART
you can have my gourd full of drugs
and you can have this magical walking stick
just tap it on the ground
and it will teleport you wherever you wanna go
really not much of a walking stick
more of a teleporting stick
anyway GOODBYE AND I WILL NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN

so then chang-fang kind of starts to wonder
how his parents are doing
and he teleports home
and knocks on his door
all like hey dad what’s up HOLY SHIT YOU’RE OLD
and his dad is like OH FUCK A GHOST
so no one is happy all of a sudden
but then chang-fang is like calm down dad
i’m not a ghost
i just pranked you into burying a bamboo stick
and thinking it was me
here we’ll go dig it up
so they do
and then everyone is happy again
and they have a banquet
but chang-fang is confused
because all his relatives
are mega old for some reason
and he is like mom why are you guys so old
i was only gone for like
a day
and his mom is like WRONG SON
YOU WERE GONE FOR FIFTEEN YEARS
BECAUSE OF CELESTIAL TIME DILATION
and chang-fang is like oh
well ok
by the way i have to go help people now
i’ll try to visit sometimes

so then he travels all over the place
healing the sick and capturing demons and shit
and one day he comes to a town
where the inns are full
so he goes to a mansion
like can I stay here
and the mansion guy is like sure no problem
so he goes in
and while he’s having dinner
he is like OH SHIT GUYS
I SENSE AN EVIL FOG OF DEATH ON THE WAY TO YOUR HOUSE
LEAVE NOW
LEAVE ME ALONE IN YOUR HOUSE
WITH YOUR POSESSIONS
DON’T COME BACK UNTIL SUNRISE
OR YOU WILL DIE
and the house people are like well WHAT
WHAT DID WE DO TO DESERVE THIS
and chang-fang is like NOTHING GUYS
SHIT JUST HAPPENS SOMETIMES IS ALL
so the people leave the house
while the rest of the village is like
great job getting your posessions stolen
by some random shitty healer guys
but when they come back to the house in the morning
all their animals are dead
every single one
and they are like damn
thanks for saving us chang-fang
i mean you probably could have tried
to save some of our animals too
but still
thanks man
we’ll totally make offerings
to the mountain shrines
once a year
on this day
in honor of your weird death-prescience

so yeah
eventually chang-fang dies
because he didn’t want to eat poop
but before that he lived a long life
healing people
and making sure that the gourd
became the symbol of healers everywhere
and in the end
i’m not really sure
if there was ever a chance
that chang-fang was gonna be an immortal
or if that whole poop mountain thing
was just that asshole immortal’s idea
of a really great prank
which just goes to show
that you should never eat poop
or the maggots that live in poop
no matter who tells you to
or what they are offering you
just to be safe

The end.

A B Stormalong drinks concentrated AMERICA JUICE

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Thanks to Tucker for recommending this myth
SEE GUYS
recommend myths and you will get THANKED
all awash with gratitude
like a full-on bukakke party of gratefulness
i am sure you will enjoy it
i know tucker is enjoying it
by the way tucker is also the musclebound hero
who wrote one of those myths that got put up
while i was off in the desert
anyway!

A B STORMALONG
holy shit guys
no one knows who stormalong’s parents are
cause the first anyone hears of him
is when he washes ashore in New England
already TWELVE FEET TALL
AND LIKE FIVE YEARS OLD OR SOMETHING
THAT IS MORE THAN A FOOT A YEAR
ALSO
IF YOU TAKE HIS FIRST TWO INITIALS
AND PUT THEM TOGETHER
YOU GET AB
WHICH IS A MUSCLE
TELL ME THAT ISN’T MANLY

anyway by the time he is twelve
“sexy abs” stormalong is well over 30 feet tall
too large for new england
so he walks to boston
and he is like hey
hey
who wants me on their ship
my freakish gigantism will be a tremendous asset
and this ship is like us
we want you on our ship
come be our lookout because you are so tall

so he looks the fuck out for this ship
he is really good at it
one day he sees a pirate ship coming
and he is like SHIT GUYS
PIRATE SHIT ALL THE FUCK UP OVER THE STARBOARD BOW
RUN
I MEAN SAIL
so they try to outsail the pirate ship
but the pirate ship is WAY TOO FAST
so then stormalong is like WAIT
i’ve got an idea
how about we take all this molasses he have for some reason
and spread it all over the deck
so when the pirates climb aboard
they get stuck
and that is exactly what they do
and it works exactly like that
and they capture all the pirates in like
a minute
and then they make stormalong first mate
for wasting all their molasses

so now stormalong is the first mate
and that is pretty sweet for him
even though now the ship is down one awesome lookout
he gets shiploads of oysters and stuff
ferried directly from the ocean
into his mouth
except then one day
HERE COMES THE KRAKEN
you guys have all seen pirates of the Caribbean right
i dont need to explain what the kraken is do i
no of course not

so everyone on the ship is like FUCK WHAT DO WE DO
and first mate stormalong is like NO WORRIES
I GOT THIS
and jumps headfirst into the water
actually more like headFIST
because he immediately punches the kraken in the face
and then executes a ten-point WATER TACKLE
taking that shit underwater
he then proceeds to wrestle the kraken
for like four hours
and when he finally surfaces
and everyone is like hey hey what happened
he just frowns real big
and says
“I failed”
because he didn’t actually murder the kraken
it just ran away
OH BOO HOO
YOU SAVED THE SHIP
BUT YOU DIDN’T KILL ANYTHING IN THE PROCESS
WHY DONT YOU GO SIT IN YOUR QUARTERS FOR A WHILE
AND REFUSE ALL FOOD
AND MOPE

so that is exactly what stormalong does
he just sits in his quarters
refusing oysters
and barrels of coffee
and eventually he’s just like you know what guys
i think i’m just not cut out to be a sailor
I’m gonna go be a farmer

so he goes to michigan
and he farms some shit
and it’s great
until it snows
he hates snow so much

so then he moves to texas
where it fucking never snows
and he becomes a rancher
but then a tornado shows up
maybe the exact same one pecos bill was riding
because this is a pretty ornery fucking tornado
it destroys absolutely everything
and then stormalong finds another rancher
and is like WHAT DO WE DO
and the rancher is like WE JUST HOLD ON
AND CRY A LITTLE
so stormalong grabs a house
but then the house gets blown away
and so does stormalong
so what he does
is he sits on the house
and uses his TWENTY FOOT BANDANA as a sail
and drives his airboat
all the way to the gulf of mexico
and while he’s sitting there in the water
bobbing up and down on what used to be his house
he goes huh
i’m kind of really good at sailing
maybe i should go back to being a sailor

so he goes back to being a sailor
only this time
HE’S the captain
he gets a boat
that is so big
his crew needs a whole swarm of arabian horses
just to get from one end to the other
by the way i have NO IDEA how he affords all this shit
being large is like the most insane financial liability ever
but he does somehow
and this ship is really fucking huge
i did not finish telling you
how huge it is
for example it is SO HUGE
they have to stitch the sails together in the desert
cause there is no other flat space large enough
and it is SO HUGE
that the mast has to be hinged
just to avoid hitting the MOON
and it is SOOOOO HUUUUUGE
that one time
it gets stuck in the english channel
and they grease the hull with soap
and they use so much soap
that it makes the cliffs of dover shiny white forever

so anyway they are sailing this megaboat around
and one day
GUESS WHO SHOWS UP GUYS
THE KRAKEN
THE KRAKEN SHOWS UP
and everyone is like oh shit
are we going to have to watch A B Stormalong
start crying again
are we going to be the audience
for yet another gargantuan sissyfest
but NO
NO

Captain Stormalong grabs a big piece of rope
and using the techniques taught to him
by secret wizards in texas
he LASSOS THE FUCKING KRAKEN
and the Kraken is like NOOOOOOO
and starts swimming away
and Stormalong is like HELL YESS
and holds on
basically turning his boat
into the ultimate jetski
and the kraken
instead of ramming stormalong into the shore or something
just swims straight into a whirlpool
and Stormalong keeps holding on
and his crew is like HEY
HEY MAN
WE DON’T WANT TO DIE
JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE BUTTHURT ABOUT THIS GIANT SQUID BEAST
and stormalong is like FINE
and he lets go off the rope
and his ship goes flying out of the whirlpool somehow
and the kraken gets sucked in anyway
and dies

so obviously stormalong is SUPER STOKED about this
and he sails all the fuck over everywhere
spreading the good news and having adventures
and then one day
he’s around america somewhere
and he sees a ship with STEAM COMING OUT OF IT
and he is like FUCK
THAT SHIP IS ON FIRE
and he fills his hat with water
and POURS IT ON TOP OF ALL OF THE STEAM TO STOP THE FIRE
but guys
it is not a fire
well i mean it is
but it is a fire which is powering A STEAMBOAT
and the steamboat captain is like god dammit stormalong
look what you did to my newfangled steam machine
fuck you and the obsolete horse-covered boat you rode in on

and stormalong is like NO ONE TALKS ABOUT MY HORSEBOAT THAT WAY
and the other captain is like HOW ABOUT A RACE ACROSS THE ATLANTIC
and stormalong is like YOU’RE ON

so they do the race
and stormalong wins
by like half a boatlength
but seeing as his boat is like
a billion miles long
that is still pretty good
although actually
now that i think about it
he would have had to start out
pretty far ahead of the other guy
just because his boat is so long
so he might have just ended up tying the other guy
but anyway the important thing is
that the INTENSE FURY
WITH WHICH HE MANNED THE WHEEL
DURING THE RACE
caused stormalong to die after the race was over
just like how john henry died in that other story

so just to recap
A B Stormalong was born 12 feet tall in the ocean
he won at being a lookout
he won at killing krakens
then he won at boat racing
and then he died
so moral of the story?
be careful my friends
it is possible to die from too much winning

THE END

Ok here’s a short one

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So pecos bill

he’s lived a long life
full of random cowmurder
and tornado-induced terraforming
and probably
more than his fair share
of bestiality
but then one day he dies
the end

oh wait do you want to know how he dies
well ok basically
he is hanging out in New Mexico
and this dude comes from Boston
swaggering all the fuck around everywhere
like I AM A COWBOY GUYSZZZ
so he buys himself a ten gallon hat
and some spurs
and a six-shooter
and like a lasso
and maybe one of those tin sherrif stars
and like
some chewing tobacco
and some leather chaps
with like fringes on them
and some bullets for his gun
and basically just a neverending truckload
of cowboy accessory bullshit

so pecos bill watches this guy
doing what he is doing
and he is so incredibly amused
that he just lies down
and laughs himself to death
he busts a gut
he busts all the guts

so i guess the moral of the story is
if you are trying to kill a tough as nails cowboy
and nothing seems to work
try comedy

the end

FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK

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OH DAMN I FORGOT TO WRITE A MYTH YESTERDAY

ARE YOU OKAY GUYS
ARE YOU DOING ALRIGHT?
whatever
here’s a myth now instead

so there’s this dude wisakedjak
sometimes anglicized as whiskey jack
but that’s needlessly confusing
cause this dude has nothing to do
with whiskey
and in fact was around WAYYYYY before whiskey
he’s this trickster god
who happens to be tight with the creator
at least according to Algonquin mythology

so basically
the creator makes the world
and is likey hey wisakedjak
dude
i am so fucking tired
how about you handle everything else now
like teach everyone what roots are good to eat
and keep them from killing each other and shit
you know
everything i am actually personally responsible for doing

so wisakedjak is like sure ok
and proceeds to do the exact opposite
of everything the creator says
as in
he feeds everyone poison and goes around starting fights
and the creator wakes up from like a ten-year bender
and is like whooooooaaaaa dude
stop
stop doing that
what did i tell you to do
i’m pretty sure it wasn’t that
you best clean up your act
or i’m gonna kill everybody
and ruin everything
and then you’ll be bored

so wisakedjak calls bullshit
and just goes right on doing what he was doing
except like NINE TIMES HARDERRRR
he is running up to dudes like
HEY
HEYYYYYYY
SEE THAT GUY OVER THERE
HE KILLED YOUR PARENTS
HE KILLED YOUR DOG
HE KILLED YOUR HOUSE
MURDER HIM
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and he just keeps doing this
until the earth is literally saturated with blood
there is nowhere for all this blood to go
it’s pretty upsetting
so at this point the creator shows up again like whoa
WHOAAAAAAA
THAT’S IT
EVERYBODY DIES

so then everything floods
and the only things left alive
are wisakedjak
even though he is almost the entire problem
plus an otter
a beaver
and a muskrat
no fish apparently
because i guess this water is poison maybe?

so wisakedjak sits in the water with his animal pals
crying and feeling sorry for himself
when all of a sudden he has an idea
he’s like DUDES
I CAN’T CREATE ANYTHING
BUT I CAN INFINITELY EXPAND
ANYTHING THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN CREATED
GUYS I NEED SOMEONE TO GO DIVE DOWN
AND GET ME SOME OF THE OLD EARTH
SO I CAN MAKE AN ISLAND
HEY CREATOR IS IT OK IF I DO THIS?

and the creator is like sure you can make a new world
as long as you use all the material i wasted on the old world
I don’t wanna have to buy a bunch of new dirt and shit
so wisakedjak is like OTTER
YOU’RE SO BRAVE
GO DO IT
AND I’LL MAKE SURE YOU ALWAYS HAVE FISH TO EAT

so otter dives down
and comes back up
with NO DIRT AT ALL
and then he tries again
with the same result
and he tries a third time
and fucks up AGAIN
and is too weak to dive anymore
and wisakedjak is like wow dude
wow
i am pretty fucking disappointed
ok beaver
your turn
if you bring me some dirt
i will build you a house
so beaver dives
and fails
dives
and fails
and is pretty fucking tired at this point
but wisakedjak is like come on pussy
if you get me some dirt
i will also give you a wife
so beaver tries one more time
and almost drowns
and finds no dirt whatsoever

so finally wisakedjak turns to the muskrat
and he’s like alright man
i have no faith in you whatsoever
but hell
give it a shot
and if you make it i’ll give you infite roots to eat
plus rushes to make a house out of
plus a wife
and you’ll have like
a billion babies
come on man i’m counting on you

so muskrat dives
and he comes up
and he has
NO DIRT
so he tries again
and he’s gone for a while
and he comes up real tired
and he still has no dirt
but here’s the important thing:
he SMELLS like dirt
so wisakedjak is like dude you are so close
try one more time
so the muskrat dives down
and he’s gone for a LOOOOOONG time
and everyone is like shit
is he alive
and then they see some bubbles
so they reach in and pull out the muskrat
who is pretty much dead
but he has just a little bit of dirt with him
which wisakedjak turns into an island
and they finally get to stop sitting in the water

and then in the following days wisakedjak finds some bones
and makes animals
and he makes trees out of some wood
and then the creator is like dude you know what
you don’t get powers anymore
you just get the power to lie like a motherfucker
so wisakedjak just uses that power as hard as he can
for ever and ever
starting by failing to ever reward the muskrat

proving once and for all
that animals
are stupid and easy to manipulate

The End

Neil Gaiman made up this myth

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So tiger

he’s got huge balls
I’m talking HUGE
these balls are so big
they have like
other smaller balls
ORBITING THEM
these are some rough and rowdy
rude and crude
out of control balls
and tiger is extremely proud of them

so one day tiger goes down to the river with his friend anansi
i dont know how anansi has any friends
since he does nothing but betray them and eat their food
but anyway they go down to the river
and anansi is like hey let’s go swimming
and tiger is like well ok
but i dont want to get my precious balls wet
they might shrink momentarily
get all pruney and shit
and anansi is like well ok
since i’m such a good friend
you can go swimming
and leave your balls here with me
and i’ll watch over them while you go have summertime fun
nothing bad will happen i promise
so tiger is like dur ok
and he leaves his balls there with anansi
and goes swimming

now anansi
being a spider
has tiny tiny balls
these balls are like
invisible to the naked eye
in fact just looking at them
makes other peoples’ balls shrink two sizes
they call it “the reverse testicular grinch”
or they would if they had doctor seuss back then
but even though his balls are small
they have got to be INCREDIBLY DENSE
packed tight with TESTICULAR FORTITUDE
because as soon as tiger is out of sight
anansi rips off his balls
and sticks tiger’s balls onto his dick instead
and leaves his tiny spider balls behind
and runs the fuck away

anansi doesnt stop running the fuck away
until he gets to the next town
and in the next town anansi meets a monkey
and the monkey is like YO ANANSI WHATS GOOD
NICE BALLS MAN
and anansi is like haha thanks
feelin’ super manly today
speaking of which
i heard this hilarious song this morning
i can’t get it out of my head
and monkey is like dude what is the song
and anansi is like ahem it goes like this:

tiger’s balls, yeah
I ate tiger’s balls
now aint nobody gonna stop me never at all
nobody put me up against the big black wall
cos I ate tiger’s testimonials
I ate tiger’s balls

and monkey is like AMAZINGGGGGGG
I’M GOING TO SING IT TO ALL MY FRIENDS
AND WE ARE GOING TO SING IT LOUDLY
ALL DAY EVER DAY
and anansi is like sweet
go ahead and do that

so then anasi runs back to the river
and he sees tiger running around
furious with tiny spider balls dangling from his dick
like ANANSI
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO WATCH MY BALLS
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
and anansi is like IT WAS THE MONKEYS MAN
I AM SO SORRY
WHOLE BUNCH OF MONKEYS CAME
AND STOLE YOUR BALLS
AND I WAS LIKE NO STOP
STOP YOU MONKEYS
THOSE ARE THE BALLS OF A VERY CLOSE FRIEND OF MINE
but the monkeys were like
HAHAHA FUCK YOU
and then they ripped off MY balls
and left them there
for you to find
and tiger is like i am pretty suspicious
because you suddenly have huge tiger balls
and I have your balls
so i am going to eat your liver
just to be safe
but just then
a whole bunch of monkeys start swinging through the trees
singing like

LA LA LA
I ATE TIGER’S BALLS
LA LA LA
BALLS BALLS BALLS

and tiger is like YOU BASTARDS
and he goes off to kill every monkey
leaving anansi to enjoy his massive
MASSIVE
testicles

the moral of the story is
you don’t need to feel sad or inferior
just cause you’ve got tiny balls
just find a friend with huge balls
and steal them
and then blame some monkeys

The end

Pecos Bill Has a Wife Sometimes

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So there’s this chick Slue-Foot Sue

first of all what the fuck does that mean
i looked up slue on the internet
and the dictionary says it means
TO TURN SHARPLY OR VEER
so i guess slue-foot sue is short for like
Sue with the really shitty ankles?

but guys
her ankles aren’t shitty at all
in fact the day pecos bill meets her
she is using her ankles
to ride a GIANT CATFISH DOWN THE RIO GRANDE
holding on with one hand
using the other hand to constantly fire a pistol
AT THE CLOUDS
AND SHE IS ACTUALLY KILLING CLOUDS GUYS
NO ONE KNOWS HOW SHE WAS DOING THIS

so of course pecos bill sees the only chick in the world
just as batshit fucking insane as he
and is like OH BABY LET’S GET MARRIED
and slue foot sue
being batshit insane
says YESSSSSSSS

So they get married the next day
slue foot sue is wearing one of those big hoop skirts
remember that because it is super important later
anyway
right after the wedding
sue is like
HEY PECOS HEY PECOS
LET ME RIDE YOUR HORSE
YOU KNOW
THE ONE CALLED WIDOWMAKER
and pecos bill is like hey wife
what are you crazy
and sue is like YES OF COURSE
and pecos bill is like but the horse is called widowmaker
because he makes widows
like
married men get onto my horse
and then the horse kills them
with his insane bucking action
i don’t even know why i ride this horse honestly
i guess as an effective anti-theft measure
and slue-foot sue is like
WELL IM NOT A MARRIED MAN
IM A MARRIED WOMAN
LET ME RIDE THE PONY
so pecos bill is like fine
and sue gets on the horse
and the horse
immediately bucks her into the stratosphere
i am not speaking figuratively
she actually flies into the stratosphere
up among the clouds
which are still pissed cause she shot them
but then i guess gravity gets off its ass
and decides to do something
cause she comes back down
but then her GIANT HOOP SKIRT
acts like a GIANT POGO STICK
and bounces her back into the sky
and this keeps happening
for FOUR DAYS
while everyone watches and tries to figure out what to do
and she keeps hitting her head on the moon
and crying
it is pretty hilarious

anyway after 4 days
all the dudes at the wedding decide
that she is NEVER GOING TO SLOW DOWN EVER
despite the fact that she really should
considering gravity
and friction
and all those other piddly laws of physics
so pecos bill shoots her
to put her out of her misery
and then goes on to marry a steady train of other women forever
leaving slue foot sue’s corpse to apparently bounce forever

moral of the story:
learn physics
it might save your wedding

The End.

Tornadoes are Emo as Fuck

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SO PECOS BILL AGAIN

last time we saw him
he was a fucking coyote or some shit
at least he thought he was
but that is NO LONGER THE CASE
he is now a grown man
acutely aware of the fact
that he is not any kind of a coyote
but also acutely unaware
of certain basic facts of physics

like for example:

YOU CANNOT RIDE A TORNADO LIKE IT IS A HORSE
TORNADOES DIFFER FROM HORSES
IN MANY DISTINCT WAYS
SCIENCE HAS SHOWN THIS

anyway pecos bill is up in kansas for some reason
and he is like hey
you know what would be great to ride right now
A FUCKING TORNADO
so he hangs out in tornado country for a while
checkin’ out the tornadoes
he even lets a couple pass by unmolested
because they are simply not dangerous enough
and finally he sees this one tornado
tearing the shit out of EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE
turning the sky black and green and shit
and he is like alright
i was worried
that I wasn’t going to get to do anything DANGEROUSLY SUICIDAL today
now’s my chance

so pecos bill jumps on that tornado
pushes it to the ground like he is about to rape the shit out of it
and then does one better and climbs on it
and is like giddy the fuck up you son of a bitch
so the tornado
obviously
is like FUCKITY FUCK NO
it actually seriously starts cursing
like
pecos bill has pissed off this natural phenomenon so much
it has miraculously gained the power of speech
it has also gained the power to tear ass through all of America
tying rivers in knots and skullfucking forests
killing thousands of animals
destroying vast swaths of land
they get to texas
and pecos bill is still chilling out on this tornado
just occasionally digging his spurs into it
i don’t know what he found to dig his spurs into
but whatever it is it sure pisses the tornado off

so finally the tornado is like aww jesus fuck
no matter what i do
this asshole just keeps sitting on me
occasionally making cowboy or wolf noises at me
this is horrible
life is horrible
why me

so of course the tornado decides to commit suicide
it flies over to the grand canyon
and cries itself out of existence
raining so hard it fills up the fucking canyon
and as a result of this pathetic supernatural pity festival
pecos bill suddenly finds himself
with nothing to ride
and he flies through the air
and hits the ground so hard
it creates death valley
and then a bunch of cowboys are like
whoa that looks pretty sweet
let’s make that a sport
only let’s do it with horses instead of tornadoes
and they invented rodeo

so the moral of the story is
dismantle FEMA
Pecos Bill could have singlehandedly stopped Katrina
or maybe made it like
a thousand times worse
in fact probably that is the more likely scenario
seeing as pecos’ little dickscapade
effectively devastated like 50% of america
so the real moral of the story is
stay the fuck away from tornados
rodeo has already been invented so you have nothing to gain

The End