Monthly Archives: November 2010

Tantalus: Yet another bastard

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(Guys look over to the left
I am actually organizing this blog guys
it is totally crazy)

I can’t believe i didn’t do this one before

Ok so Tantalus right
fuck where do I even start with this guy
basically he’s this king of a place called Sipylus
which is practically an anagram of syphilis
so you know this guy is all class

anyway Tantalus starts moving in the right circles
and he makes a bunch of friends who are gods
and one night the gods are like dude come over
we’ll have a feast
it’ll be awesome
btw it’s a potluck

so Tantalus is like fuuuuuuck
i wanna make a stew
but I’m all out of meat
I KNOW
I’LL USE MY SON PELOPS
BRILLIANT
so he cuts up his son
and he boils him and makes soup
and then brings a big pot of filicide
to the gods’ party
all like SOUP’S ON BITCHES

but see here is the thing he forgets
is that these people are GODS
they have POWERS
THEY KNOW WHAT IS IN YOUR SOUP
THEY KNOW WHAT IS IN ALL THE SOUP
so when tantalus shows up like would you like to eat some murder
all the gods are like WHAT
GROSS
EW
WHAT THE FUCK MAN
THERE ARE STORES THAT SELL MEAT
ARE YOU
ARE YOU REALLY THAT LAZY?
LIKE
MURDEROUSLY LAZY?
and tantalus is like whoops you got me
my bad
but you guys can for sure bring him back to life
so it’s totally fine and i’m forgiven
right?
and the gods are like dammit fine

so they gather up all the chunks of Pelops
and put them in a sacred cauldron
and somehow magic reverse-boil them into a living dude
except WHAT’S THIS
PELOPS IS MISSING A SHOULDER
this is because Demeter
was so stressed out over her missing daughter persephone
that she was totally oblivious to all the cannibalism going down
and just ate pelops’s shoulder straight up not giving a shit
so the gods are like gr so annoying
hey HEPHAESTUS
and Hephaestus is like WHAT
and they are like make this guy a new shoulder out of ivory
so that happens
and then pelops turns out to be super hot
and then poseidon starts banging him up on mount olympus
but then zeus kicks him out
because he is pissed off at Tantalus still
because after the party
they find out tantalus stole a bunch of booze and stuff
also a gold dog
although actually he did not steal that from the gods
he stole that from his asshole friend Pandareus
who stole it from the gods
so this dude is basically just maxing out the fucked-up-ometer
so hard it shoots steam and gets rabies

so at this point
the gods are like why are we even friends with this guy
why did we ever invite him to any parties
why didn’t we just kill him instead
well it’s never too late for murder
so they kill him
and put him in Tartarus
which (if you recall) is basically double-hell
and they put some delicious grapes right over his head
and fill the shithole he’s standing in with tasty water
all the way up to his chin
but when he tries to grab the grapes
the grapes are like PSYCHE
NO GRAPES FOR YOU
and the water is basically the same brand of dick
so he is always hungry and thirsty
also i think there is a rock hanging over his head or something

so the moral of the story is basically just don’t be an asshole
except gods and stuff get away with being assholes all the time
so i think the REAL moral that tantalus illustrates
is don’t be an asshole THREE TIMES IN THE SAME DAY

the end.

Osiris gets his dick ripped off

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7

This is the kind of shit i’m talking about

okay so Osiris right
he’s the king of the gods
he thinks he’s hot shit
with his godly appendages up whole vast swathes of blouse
but meanwhile there’s this dick Set
that is his name
Set
I’m not talking about some kind of dick set
like you might purchase for an adult tea party
I am talking about the egyptian god
of the desert
storms
darkness
and chaos
basically if you are not having a good time
set is right there
flipping you off with both hands
while jacking off
with his third hand?
or maybe with a hand he stole
FROM A BABY
what i mean is Set’s a dick

the reason i mention set
is he gets all butthurt over not being king of the gods
and he is like I KNOW
IF I KILL OSIRIS EVERYONE WILL ELECT ME KING FOR SOME REASON
BOOYAH
so he has this great plan
which is he makes this coffin out of wood
which is like tailormade for Osiris basically
and then he calls up all the gods like HEY GUYS COME OVER
I’M HAVING A WEIRD COFFIN PARTY
and all the gods are like oh shit weird coffin party
we’ll be right over
so they all get there and Set is like alright i made this coffin
whoever fits perfectly inside it gets candy

my friends
this is how child molesters work
this is what they do except with vans instead of coffins

anyway all the gods think this sounds like an awesome idea
so they all take turns trying to get into the coffin
and they all fail
but then it’s Osiris’s turn
and Osiris is like i dunno guys this seems like a transparent ruse
and everyone is like come on don’t be a pussy
so osiris gets in the coffin
and then it slams shut and locks
and set lines it with lead and throws it in the Nile river
and everyone is like what the fuck set
what the fuck did you just do
and set is like can i be king now

so naturally Osiris’ wife Isis decides to go find him
so she can at least bury him properly now that he has drowned
and she finds out
that the coffin has floated all the way to Byblos
(which is actually just Lebanon in disguise)
and got absorbed by an oak tree
which got cut down
and used to build a support pillar
in a palace
for the king of Byblos
shit

so Isis shows up in Byblos like sup
is the queen around
and the queen is like whats up
and Isis is like my husband is embedded in your palace
may i please extract him
and the queen is like sure go ahead
it’s not like he’s a major structural support or anything
and isis is like haha sucker
and she goes to the pillar where the coffin is
and she removes it
WITHOUT DAMAGING THE PALACE AT ALL
thus inventing jenga

except then
instead of delicately placing the coffin on top of the palace
Isis takes out Osiris’s body
and drags it back to egypt
and buries it in the desert
so he can finally rest in peace
except i guess she forgets
that set is the GOD OF THE FUCKING DESERT
so he very quickly sniffs out Osiris
and is like hm i haven’t fucked with this guy enough
how about I tear this guy into 14 pieces
and EAT HIS DICK
so that is what he does
and he chucks the other 13 pieces all the fuck everywhere
and then Isis is like what is that noise
it better not be my husband getting ripped
well unless by ripped you mean super muscley
i wouldn’t mind that
except it would be weird if his corpse just suddenly grew pecs
so actually i take that back
i don’t want Osiris to get ripped in any sense of the word

BUT IT IS TOO LATE
IT HAS ALREADY HAPPENED
IN THE VIOLENT WAY
NOT THE MUSCLES WAY
and Isis finds out and she is like fuck seriously
better go find all these body parts and bury them again
ignoring the fact that set will prolly just find them again
and rip them into SMALLER pieces
anyway she manages to find all the pieces
(which have turned into full moons by the way)
except for his dick
which like i said
SET ATE
or maybe a fish ate it
the myth is not clear but i prefer to think set did it

so isis is like shit
Osiris’s dick was like
the most important part of his personality
so what she does
is she makes a GOLD COCK
and she hangs it around her neck
and BAM
Osiris is alive again
I guess with a gold funpole?
guys i feel that this has happened somewhere before
anyway then Isis gets pregnant for some reason
and pops out Horus
i guess from wearing that cock around her neck

so ladies
i guess the moral of the story is
don’t wear a cock around your neck
because unwanted pregnancy
is the WORST accessory

The end.

Egyptians are pretty weird

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5

Damn it’s about time

so there is this dude Atum
(now to be fair
there are a ton of different versions of this story
or maybe just like 2
and the dude is named a different thing
depending on who you ask
but this version is by far the sweetest
so I am using it)
actually this dude does not exist
at least not at the beginning of the story
all there is is this shitty infinite water
called Nu
but then Atum
who – remember – doesn’t exist
is like this sucks
how about I CREATE MYSELF USING PURE WILLPOWER
so he does that

so then Atum is standing around
except actually he is not standing
there is no place to stand
so Atum is like fuck this
there is an acute hill shortage here
time to rectify that shit
so he makes a hill
and he stands on it
and later someone builds a temple BUT LET’S NOT GET AHEAD OF OURSELVES

so obviously Atum gets pretty bored
seeing as all there is
in the ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE
is a hill and some water
so he hangs out on the hill for a bit
waiting for other awesome dudes
to literally will themselves into being
but they don’t
so he’s like COME ON GUYS
SOOOOOOO LAZY
fuck
fine I’ll make my own friends

but there is a problem
because apprently although Atum can make hills
and HIMSELF
he can’t make people
sexual reproduction is suddenly ruining everything
as usual
but Atum does not even give a shit
he just goes right ahead
and FUCKS HIS OWN SHADOW UNTIL HE GETS PREGNANT
THEN HE GIVES BIRTH TO KIDS OUT HIS MOUTH
yes guys
this is what happened
if egypt is to be believed
you are all either descended from spit or puke
depending on whether you are a boy or a girl?
see Atum has two kids
the phlegmkid is this dude Shu
god of air and stuff
meanwhile the vomit kid is a chick named Tefnut
goddess of moisture
not water mind you
but moisture
which makes sense with the whole vomit thing i guess

anyway Shu and Tefnut get together
and by their powers combined
manage to be exponentially more bored
than even their omnipotent father could have imagined
so they are sitting around and they are like hey
let’s make up some codes of laws and then get lost
so they do
somewhere in the shitty clusterfuck oceanstravaganza
that is everything everywhere forever
kind of like seaworld
but except seaworld is everything everywhere
and there is no shamu
and there is no amusement park
or hotdogs or whatever
it is just actually the water part of seaworld
and there are only three people there
and two of them are spit and vomit
and also lost
actually that last part is a lot like seaworld

so Atum is like god dammit guys
I fucked my own SHADOW so i wouldn’t be lonely
but lookie here
more tomfoolery
so what he does is he takes out his one eye
by the way he only has one eye
and he is like hey eye
go find my kids
so it does
and it brings them back to Atum
and atum starts crying
but the myth is not clear on whether he puts his eye back in
or whether it is just this weird floating sadness orb
but that is not important at all

what is important is that those tears hit the hill Atum made
and they turn into people
guys we are made of sadness
this is definitive proof
anyway then Shu and Tefnut start having kids somehow
maybe they fuck each other
it’s not like there’s any shortage of incest everywhere all the time
they pop out this kid Geb, the earth
and Nut, the sky
those are extremely large babies no lie

anyway later Geb and Nut give birth to all the trendy gods
like Isis and Osiris and whatever
and things proceed pretty much as would be expected
with a lot of murder and sex and stuff

so basically what it all comes down to
is we are made of tears
from the disembodied eyeball
of a guy who fucks his own shadow
i’m gonna go cry now
i hope it doesn’t turn it into babies.

the end.