Alright couple of items of business
first of all
as you can see
i suck at colors
what color should this website be
also!
I finally finished that fucking SMORGASBORD OF MYTHOLOGY
up at the top of the page
all the myths are indexed by origin over there so check it out

Anyway Kappas, right

what the fuck are these things
why do they exist
apparently they are related to monkeys
but when was the last time you saw a monkey
with a concave skull
such that it could hold water in the top
and not just any water mind you
MAGICAL water
that must NEVER BE SPILLED
oh yeah also they are yellowish green
have scales
live in the swamp
AND DRINK BLOOD
pretty straightforward, right?
WRONG
because guess how they drink blood guys
THEY DRINK IT OUT YOUR ASS
YESSIR
These are creatures
that subsist
ON ASSBLOOD
in fact according to tradition
whenever the japanese found some dude in the swamp
drowned to death with a distended rectum
they’d just be like welp i guess a kappa did that
GUYS
I DON’T SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN SWAMPS
BUT WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW A GUY
WHO HAD DROWNED TO DEATH WITH A DISTENDED RECTUM
WHY WAS THIS SUCH A COMMON OCCURRENCE IN JAPAN
THAT THEY NEEDED TO MAKE UP A REASON FOR IT?
anyway so one time
this kappa is skulking about
looking for some tasty assblood to guzzle
when he sees a cow
and he is like awesome
I’ll FIST IT
so he starts fisting this cow, right
presumably in preparation for assvampirism
but the cow freaks out
like you do when someone shoves their fist up your ass
and breaks off the kappa’s arm at the shoulder
at which point i guess he decides to cut his losses
and just get the fuck out of there
but he’s not about to just leave his arm in some cow’s ass
so the next day
he goes and hits up the farmer who owns the cow
like hey
HEY
gimme back my arm
and the farmer is like make me
and the kappa is like I would but i seem to be missing my murdering arm
and the farmer is like well guess you’re shit out of luck
unless you promise to stop fisting everyone’s cows all the time
also children maybe
and the kappa is like fuck fine
and leaves everyone alone forever
in fact he actually PROTECTS everyone from the other less civilized kappas

so the moral of the story is
stay the fuck out of japan
unless you want to die of a combination of drowning
and anal blood loss

the end.