basically fuck medieval europe

you guys know this nursery rhyme right?
it’s like “sing a song for basically free
like I will give you six pennies and some bread to sing it
a pocket full of bread actually
which is a horrible amount of bread
because have you ever tried to store bread in your pocket
it doesn’t fucking work
might as well be “a pocket full of bird treats”
which is appropriate because this song is about 24 birds in a pie”
THIS IS WHERE I AM GOING TO STOP THE RE-TELLING FOR A SECOND

let me ask you dear reader
what do you think the line “four and twenty blackbirds
baked in a pie”
ACTUALLY MEANS?
are they the 24 letters used to print the English bible?
are they the 24 hours in a day?
NO ASSHOLE
THEY ARE ACTUAL FUCKING BLACKBIRDS
people in medieval europe
straight up used to bake pie shells
and then stuff live birds into the pie shells
so that when you cut the pie open BIRDS FLY OUT
ONE TIME
INSTEAD OF BIRDS
IT WAS A DWARF
FUCK
THIS
ENTIRELY
PIE IS OBJECTIVELY ONE OF THE BEST THINGS THERE IS
AND YET SOMEWHERE IN THE CLOGGED OUTHOUSE OF HISTORY
SOME PSYCHOPATH DECIDED TO TURN PIE INTO A DELIVERY MECHANISM
FOR BIRD-BASED TERROR ATTACKS
LITERALLY THE ONLY GOOD ASPECT OF THIS I CAN THINK OF
IS YOU MIGHT DECAPITATE A BIRD WHILE CUTTING OPEN THE PIE
BUT THERE’S NO WAY YOU’RE GONNA DECAPITATE ALL OF THEM
EXCUSE ME WHILE I STAB EVERY PIE FIFTY TIMES BEFORE I EAT IT NOW

anyway the story unfolds predictably from there
they try to serve the pie to the king
but the king is scrooge mcduck apparently
(which makes it even weirder that they’re serving him live birds)
and he’s in his vault swimming in gold coins
his wife is somewhere else eating an actual meal
but someone still cuts open the pie because they’re an asshole
and the birds fly out
and one of the birds goes into the garden
AND RIPS OFF THE MAID’S NOSE
doesn’t even eat it
just rips it off and leaves it there
so they call the king’s doctor
and he’s pretty chill about it
almost as if he knew something like this was bound to happen.
he sews the nose back on flawlessly
and nobody can tell it was ever ripped off by a frenzied bird

the moral of the story
is if you’re working for a king
make sure he provides comprehensive health insurance

the end