I cant believe it took me so long to get to this one

So there’s a guy Sisyphus, right
He’s this king
really rich and powerful
basically because he is the number one asshole
in the whole damn world
like he will invite people over to his house
and then instead of providing them with delicious steaks
he murders them
he also does shit like seduce his niece
even though he is totally rich enough to buy every kind of whore
what is up with that
at that point you are just being a dick for the sake of being a dick
so anyway it is this kind of behavior
that earns him a pretty bad reputation in some circles
like for example with Zeus
who one days gets fed up with this tomfoolery
and sends Thanatos
who is the personification of death
to drag Sisyphus’s ass down to tartarus
which is like …
it’s like worse than hades i think
like double-hell?
anyway Thanatos goes and gets sisyphus
and he is going to chain him up in tartarus forever
when sisyphus goes hold on man
i don’t get how these chains work
can you show me
by demonstrating ON YOURSELF
and thanatos
who is also the personification of retard
goes ok
and chains himself up
and then is like hey ok that’s how they work unlock them now
but sisyphus does not respond
because he is already back up on earth with booze and whores
or booze and his niece
anyway thanatos stays chained up for a bit
which means that no one can die
so sisyphus is able to pass off his assery
as some kind of humanitarian bullshit
until ares interferes
because see
ares gets sick of not being able to kill dudes in combat
like suddenly war is no fun anymore
because he is chopping off dudes’ heads
but they are all putting them back on
and walking around
and drinking and celebrating the fact
that they get to continue living
really it sounds to me like valhalla
which just goes to show
ares would have made a shitty viking
but yeah he gets bored of not being able to murder people
this is real. this is part of the myth
this is not like when i make up bullshit about zeus getting his dick wet
this is actually a true historical fact about ares god of war
he is a huge asshole
canonically
so what he does
is he goes down to double-hell
and he lets thanatos go
and makes him promise to start making people die again
and so of course pretty much the first thing thanatos does
is he goes after sisyphus
but sisyphus is ready for him
cause he probably figured this would happen eventually
so right before he dies
he goes to his wife and says hey honey sup
and his wife goes sup
and he goes you know what you should do for me
because i’m your husband and you have to do what i say
and his wife says what
and sisyphus says you should throw my naked lifeless corpse
into the town square
that is what i want you to do
and his wife says k
so sisyphus dies again
and gets dragged down to hades
and meanwhile his wife goes corpsechucking in the middle of town
and sisyphus gets really pissed off all of a sudden
because really he was TESTING his wife all along
to see if she loved him enough to disobey him
and bury him properly
so he flips out
and he begs persephone
(who always seems to be down in hell
during the stories
i feel like she is sneaking down to hell for quickies
although it does not seem to me
that hades would be very good in bed
but on the other hand he is zeus’s brother
so there you go)
he begs persephone to let him go back up to earth
to scold his wife for being such a bitch
and persephone feels sorry for him
and says k
BIG
FUCKING
MISTAKE
i mean he goes up to earth and he scolds the shit out of his wife
that much he does
but then immediately he goes HAHA I FOOLED YOU FUCK YOU
and just goes right the fuck on living
like a dick
of course forgetting the fact
that he has already been killed TWICE
a fact that is reaffirmed
when hermes shows up
and just grabs sisyphus
and drags him back to hades
FOR THE THIRD TIME
he probably tried to convince them to let him go back up again
by saying like
look ill pay you
or look over there an orgy
or look ill let you sleep with my whores
or at least my niece
but the gods are having none of it
not even persephone
not sure if she’s even here at this point
but no
instead of letting sisyphus live
they let him push a boulder up a hill
forever
and every time he gets it to the top
it falls back down to the bottom
and he has to start all over again
although i’m not sure WHY he keeps doing it
no one actually MAKES him do it
they just give him this boulder and this hill
and say go for it
and he just keeps on truckin’
i guess he feels bad or something?
so basically what this story is telling us
is that assholes live three times as long as you ever will
unless you too are an asshole
in which case you will live the same amount of time
but when you die you will push a rock up a hill forever

the end