Oh hey guys
you bought a bunch of norse crisis flowchart shirts recently
(thanks by the way)
so i’m almost out of grey ones
in fact I am out of grey ones in most sizes
bout to do a new run
this time in weird flecky blue
because this short asian chick showed up at a concert in my dreams and told me to
I AM RUNNING THIS WEBSITE AND I WILL RUN IT THE WAY I WANT

Okay so Cinderella right?

WRONG

ain’t no cinderella assholes
bitch is called Ashputtle and that is the way things are
I can understand the confusion though
both names start with a synonym for charcoal
and end with some babyshit nonsense
but I think ashputtle does a better job
of capturing the abject misery of this chick’s life
so we’re sticking with that

okay so Ashputtle
she has got to have the shittiest dad in the history of both dads and shit
and there is a long and storied history of both of these things
her mom is pretty rad though
but OOPS GUESS WHAT
in the first paragraph of this story HER MOM GETS SICK AND DIES
she’s all lying on her deathbed like honey i will watch over you from heaven
ain’t nothing bad gonna happen to you shhhhh
and then she dies

here’s the thing though
MOMS LIE
no sooner is her leprotic corpse in the ground
then the dad starts banging this new twank with a couple of shitty people for kids
these shitty people are also hot chicks so it kind of balances out
but not for Ashputtle who basically gets shat on by the whole family from then on
actually that is when she gets the name ashputtle
everyone is like HEY ASHPUTTLE
WHY DON’T YOU GO PUTTLE AROUND IN SOME ASHES
ALSO:
WASH OUR DISHES
GET OUR WATER
COOK OUR FOOD
OH YOU’RE DONE WITH YOUR WORK?
NO YOU’RE NOT TAINTFUFFLE
PICK THESE LENTILS OUT OF THE ASHES
HIYAAAAAAA
I’m pretty sure the dad has just entirely forgotten he has a biological daughter
because here is the thing about biological daughters
you feel kind of gross when you try to sleep with them
whereas he has two guilt free hot chick pseudodaughters
as a result of this new marriage
think about it from his perspective
THREE SMOKIN’ VAGINAS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE
AND THE PRICE IS REAL LOW
BECAUSE LOVE IS FREE
wait what am i saying love is not involved in this at all nor is it free
this guy is a really awful person is what i’m trying to say
oh yeah also ashputtle doesn’t get a bed she just sleeps in ashes
in order to be inkeeping with her whole theme i guess

so anyway one day the dad goes out to town
and he’s like hey hot daughters do you want gifts
and they are like PRETTY DRESSES AND BOYS
and then he’s like hey ashputtle what do you want
and asputtle is like uh
just give me the first branch that knocks your hat off on the way home
not like you’d spend more than zero dollars on me anyway
and the dad is like tru dat

so he comes home with pretty dresses for his hot daughters
and a broken stick for his real daughter
and ashputtle takes the stick and immediately plants it by her mom’s grave
and it grows into a tree because she cries on it so much
i think it’s a laurel tree?
if it isn’t i am officially editing the story to say it is
anyway some doves come and live in that tree and they grant her wishes apparently

but so one day there is this bigass party at the king’s house
cause his son is trying to find some trick to bang
and the hotdaughters are like HEY HEY HEY LET’S GO
and ashputtle is like can I come
and the stepmother is like NAW GIRL YOU UGLY
and ashputtle is like PLEEEEEEEEEEASE
and the stepmother is like fine
but only if you can pick this entire pot full of lentils out of the ashes
in TWO HOURS
BWAHAHAHAHAHA
so ashputtle sits down for some serious beancounting
but then she has an idea
she’s like OY
ANIMAL PALS
GET IN HERE AND HELP ME WITH THIS SHIT
so her two birdpals bust in
and they bring along all of THEIR birdpals
and in like an hour all the lentils are well and truly sorted
so she goes back to her stepmom like ok I did it
can i go to the dance
and her stepmom is like what?
no
you’re still ugly
probably even uglier now actually
tell you what
if you can pick TWO pots of lentils out of the ashes in ONE hour
you can go
WHABAM

so Ashputtle summons her animal pals ONCE AGAIN
and they can understand english for some reason still
and they sort all this shit QUADRUPLE TIME
so that it all gets finished in LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR
and she goes back to her stepmother like eh?
eh?
and the stepmother is like NOPE STILL UGLY
HAHAHAHA ULTIMATE PRANK
and then she high fives her evil daughters and they go to the dance

so meanwhile ashputtle goes to her sadness tree on her mom’s grave
and she’s all like hey birds
I know you are probably tired from picking up lentils all day
but if I bust a sweet rhyme for you will you get me a dress?
and the birds are like BOOM PSH BOOM BOOM PSH
and ashputtle is like yo
I need sweet duds for to cover my breasts
so would you birds please go out and get me a dress
and the birds are like YESSSSSS
and they go and they come back with the pimp daddy of all ball gowns
and ashputtle puts it on and probably washes her face or some shit
and OFF SHE GOES TO THE PARTY

okay so plot twist
turns out ashputtle was hot all along
she just needed a shower
she shows up to this dancey party and the prince is all SPROING
OH MAN GOTTA STOP MAKING SOUND EFFECTS FOR MY PENIS IT IS A BAD HABIT
ANYWAY GURL LEMME DANCE UP ON YOU N SHIT
so they dance ALL NIGHT
and every time some other dude tries to cut in
the prince is like BITCH GET AWAY SHE’S MINE
but then at the end of the night ashputtle is all tired
so her intelligent solution is to just run the fuck away
and hide inside a dovecote
what a dovecote is I don’t know
but I am assuming it is a bigass box made out of doves
(thank you in advance for correcting me in the comments)
that’s right guys
there’s no midnight stipulation
there’s no pumpkin carriage or any of that nonsense
Disney invented all of that shit
to justify a totally stacked broad RUNNING AWAY FROM A DUDE WHO SHE IS MEGA INTO
BECAUSE HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT
OH SHE DOESN’T WANT HIM TO KNOW SHE’S ACTUALLY HER SISTERS’ BITCH
BIG DEAL YOU’RE ABOUT TO BE QUEEN CHILL THE FUCK OUT
but so she runs away
and the prince is like WHERE DID SHE GO
OY
DUDE OVER THERE
(he happens to be talking to Ashputtle’s dad by some weird coincidence)
COME BUST OPEN THAT BOX OF DOVES FOR ME
USE AN AXE IF YOU HAVE TO
so they bust it open
BUT ASHPUTTLE IS NOT THERE
SHE SNUCK OUT THE BACK BECAUSE APPARENTLY THESE THINGS HAVE BACKS
and when they get home she is already at home
changed back into her old dress
sleeping in the ashes like usual

oh but so apparently this party is a three day thing
so the next day they leave ashputtle home alone again
and they go to the party
now let me tell you what I would have done in this situation
I would have immediately set the house on fire
then put on my sweet dress and gone to the party
fucked the shit out of the prince and not had any problems ever again
and that’s exactly what ashputtle does
minus the fire or the boning
she just goes back to her mom’s grave and she’s like BIRDS
A BEAT IF YOU PLEASE
and the birds are like BOOTS CATS BOOTS CATS BOOTS CATS BOOTS CATS
and she’s like yo
I didn’t know this party was a multi-day thing
so could you please hook me up with some wearable bling
and the birds are like OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
and they leave and they come back with THE ILLINEST DRESS
which ashputtle puts on and then quickly runs to the party

so this party is basically a shot for shot remake of yesterday’s party
except instead of hiding in the ruined dovecote
Ashputtle runs and hides in a mega sweet pear tree
and the prince is like HEY RANDOM DUDE
CHOP THIS TREE DOWN
WITH AXES IF NECESSARY
jeeze dude chill out
but so they chop down the tree but ashputtle IS NOT THERE
she climbed the tree over the palace walls and ran home
and when everyone else gets back she is changed back into her shitty grey gown
sleeping in ashes as per usual

SO THE NEXT DAY IS PARTY 3: THE PARTENING
and it goes much the same way as parties 1 and 2
the stepsisters go out
the birds are like BOW WAP BOW wikiwiki
and Ashputtle’s like GET ME A DRESS FROM PHARAOH’S TOMB
THAT’LL SUCK THE PRINCE’S DICK FROM ACROSS THE ROOM
and the birds are like AWWWWWWW SHIIIIIIIIIT
and they come back with a dress that is like if you stapled dresses 1 and 2 together
then shot them with a sex gun
dipped them in goldbatter
and then had someone make a really sweet dress because those dresses are ruined now
and then she goes to the party
and she dances with the prince and then runs away
but the prince is too clever for her this time
see he coated all the steps in the palace with TAR
DUDE THAT IS A LAWSUIT WAITING TO HAPPEN
but all that actually happens is Ashputtle has to leave 1 of her shoes behind
and the prince finds it and he’s like aww yiss
this will make finding her SOOOO EASY
not like i’d recognize her face or anything
because I was busy staring at her tits for the past three nights
OBVIOUSLY

so the next day the prince goes romping all over town
trying to find a chick whose foot fits in this shoe
and for some reason the VERY FIRST PLACE HE GOES is ashputtle’s house
i guess cause he hears that is where hot chicks are at
but anyway he goes in and he’s like i’ve got this slipper does it fit anyone
and the older stepsister is all let me try
so she takes it into the back room
and her foot is totally too big
so her mom is like dude
dude
cut off your toe
totally worth it
and the daughter is like i dunno
and her mom is like DO IT OR I’LL FUCKING CUT YOU
so she cuts off her toe and stuffs her foot in the shoe
hobbling out trying to ignore the pain
and the prince is like WOO GOT IT ON MY FIRST TRY
LET’S GO HONEY
and they drive away in his carriage
but on the way they pass that laurel tree from earlier
and the birds are sitting in like YO
HER FOOT’S TOO BIG AND HER FOOT’S TOO WIDE
UNLESS YOU WANT A SASQUATCH TO BE YOUR BRIDE
and the prince looks down and blood is literally SPURTING OUT OF THE SHOE
and he’s like WHOA WHOA WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
WE’RE GOING BACK TO YOUR HOUSE AND I AM GETTING A DIFFERENT WIFE WITH CLEAN FEET

so he goes back to the house
and he’s like got any more daughters
and the mom is like YUP
and so she takes the shoe into the back room with her other daughter
and HER foot doesn’t fit
so the mom is like ok honey i’ve got a clever plan
he noticed when your sister cut off her toe so here’s what we’re gonna do
we’re gonna cut off your HEEL
NO ONE WILL BE THE WISER
and the daughter grits her teeth and does it
and stumbles outside dizzy from blood loss
and the prince is like WOO ALRIGHT LET’S GO LET’S DO THIS
and they ride away in the carriage
but they pass the birds again and the birds are like YO YO YO
THE BITCH BE LYIN’ CAN’T YOU SEE
HER FOOT’S OUT OF PLACE LIKE A DICK IN A TREE
i am imagining these birds as the beastie boys by the way
anyway then the prince looks down and blood is spurting ALL THE WAY UP THIS CHICK’S LEG
and the prince is like HOLY SHIT HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THIS
GOD DAMMIT DRIVER TURN AROUND
MORE BULLSHIT IS HAPPENING

so they get back to ashputtle’s house and he’s like yo
quit fucking around
do you have any more daughters
and the stepmother is like nope
just some ugly strumpet who sleeps in ashes and we beat her with brooms
and the prince is like SEND HER IN
so ashputtle comes out
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
THE SHOE FITS HER PERFECTLY
EVEN THOUGH IT WAS STOLEN FOR HER BY SOME FUCKING BIRDS
THESE BIRDS HAVE AN EYE FOR FASHION LET ME TELL YOU
so then the prince is like alright is your foot bleeding or anything
no?
good
LET’S GO
and they drive by the laurel tree and the birds are all
IT’S BEEN A LONG STORY AND WE’RE SICK OF WAITING
GET BACK TO THE CRIB AND START SEXCAPADING
and that is exactly what they do
but only after a longass wedding
which the stepsisters show up to
only to have their eyes pecked out by those fucking magic doves
and everyone lives happily ever after

so the moral of the story is
if birds are not doing your bidding
it is because your flow is not sick enough

THE END.