Boy it must be great to be rich AND magical huh
the reason I say this
is because of this story i am about to tell you
which is about some rich as fuck king and queen
who happen to also be mega impotent/sterile
until one day the queen is taking a bath and crying about her broken womb
and this frog jumps out of the bath like RIBBIT RIBBIT YOU GON GET PREGNANT
and then what do you know
chick gets pregnant
perhaps the frog living in her bathtub had something to do with this?
but no
in nine months the queen does not pop out a hideous frogbaby
she actually pops out a normal human baby
a baby who she names Briar Rose
(have you guys noticed
that only one person is allowed to have a name per fairytale
except in hansel and gretel but whatever they’re siblings)
and the king is so excited about this
even though he is probably wondering if it is even his kid
that he decides to have a MASSIVE PARTY
and invite EVERYONE
probably even that frog that lives in his wife’s bath
but of all the people he invites
he ESPECIALLY invites all these wise women who live all over the damn place
and when I say wise women
what i really mean
is Wise Women
these women are not the ordinary kind of wise
nor are they the ordinary kind of women
probably a better name for them would be something like uh
WITCHES
but it’s cool
these witches are not naughty by nature
in fact
if you invite them to your dinner parties
they might even grant your babies SWEET WISHES
so that is the king’s clever plan here
except OH NO WHAT IS THIS
looks like they don’t have enough solid gold plates for all thirteen Wise Women
so they have to not invite one
but that’s cool because thirteen is an unlucky number anyway right?
YUP
but the problem is it is still unlucky if you don’t invite all thirteen
in fact it is more unlucky
because during the party
while the twelve witches who got invited are busy granting sweet baby wishes
like “you gon be super hot”
and
“you gon be mega virtuous”
and “blah blah blah tits”
the thirteenth witch shows up like BAZOOM ASSHOLES
I WASN’T INVITED SO NOW I AM RUINING YOUR PARTY
JUST LIKE ERIS IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY
OR LOKI IN THE FUCKING LOKASENNA
WHAT THE FUCK GUYS DON’T YOU READ ANYTHING HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THIS COMING
and then she goes ahead and shits in everyone’s milk
by cursing Briar Rose to prick her finger on a spindle when she’s 15 and then die
and then she leaves
she doesn’t even shout any insults or anything
what a fucking buzzkill
but it’s okay because there is still one other wise woman
who has not used up all her wishjuice yet
so she uses her powers to downgrade the death part of the curse
to “hundred year sleep”
which i guess is the best she could do
not sure why but i guess she is a witch so she understands this stuff better than me
anyway then all the wise women leave and everyone goes about their business
apparently their business is to set fire to every spindle in the kingdom
so that there will be no spindles for Briar Rose to get fucked by
GUYS
IT’S A MAGICAL FUCKING CURSE
IT’S GONNA HAPPEN NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO
JUST LIKE IN OEDIPUS REX
AND WITH DANAE
AND WITH CUCHULAINN
SERIOUSLY DON’T YOU PEOPLE FUCKING READ ANYTHING?
so yeah when this chick turns fifteen
she just stumbles into some random room in the castle
and there’s some old crone chilling in there just spinning shit
and briar rose
who has never seen a fucking spinning wheel before
is like WHOA WHAT IS THIS THING
and the old woman is like IT IS A SPINNING WHEEL
WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME INJURE YOURSELF ON IT
and Briar Rose is like WOULD I
here’s the thing guys
if you grew up your whole life under the shadow of some prophecy
that was like YOU ARE GOING TO PRICK YOUR HAND ON A SPINNING WHEEL THING
would you maybe be a little paranoid about spinning wheels?
at the very least
wouldn’t you probably be a little careful
when picking up and examining THE FUCKING SPINDLE
maybe you would
but briar rose sure as shit doesn’t
she all but breaks her face running across the room to impale herself on that spindle
and then WHABOOM
she falls asleep
and WHABOOM
everyone ELSE in the castle falls asleep
wait hold on
that wasn’t part of the deal
what the fuck witch you don’t get to just go adding bullshit clauses to your spell
shit’s a MAGIC SPELL
not a magic fucking suggestion
shit i mean even the fire falls asleep
fire doesn’t even sleep
what bullshit is this
and then on top of that
a fuckton of brambles suddenly grow around the castle
SERIOUSLY
THAT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING
so okay
everyone’s asleep
covered in brambles
great
but that’s not the end of the story
AS USUAL
apparently all the princes heard
that there were not enough princes in the last 2 myths
so they all lined up and started flinging themselves bodily into the brambles around the castle
FOR A HUNDRED YEARS
until finally some special prince shows up
all like i’m sure i will not get murdered like everyone else
and GUESS WHAT
HE’S 100% RIGHT
THE BRAMBLES MOVE OUT OF HIS WAY
AND TURN INTO FUCKING FLOWERS
why?
is he magic?
is he pure of heart or something?
exceptionally pretty
NOPE
IT’S JUST BEEN A HUNDRED YEARS SO IT IS TIME TO WAKE UP NOW
I GUESS ALL THOSE OTHER PRINCES JUST HAD SHITTY TIMING
WAY TO GO EVERYONE GOOD JOB
NO ONE IS SPECIAL EVERYONE SUCKS
so this prince just strolls on in
comes up on hotpants mcprincess all asleep in the spindle room
and is like oh man i wanna break me off a piece of that
marinate it in a brown sugar and vinegar reduction
slow roast it at low temperature
and then fuck the shit out of her
several hours later he kisses her and she wakes up
all like man my ass hurts who are you
let’s get married
and then everyone else wakes up too and they all live happily ever after i guess
except that everyone they knew before they went to sleep is dead
pretty depressing but that’s the risk you run living in a fucking fairytale
so the moral of the story
is if your friends are having a baby shower
maybe you should buy them some extra plates
extra plates could have prevented all of this shit
THE END
The more horrifying version: The prince fucks Sleeping Beauty, and she wakes up 9 months later when she goes into labor and has TWINS.
YEAH. HORRIFYING. HOW FUCKING TRAUMATIC WOULD THAT SHIT BE.
I always felt like fairytales had a very blasé approach to love, this one especially. Apparently love is based entirely on timing? Yeah. That shit is exactly what I'll teach my kids.
Because I'm easily distracted, I kinda want your brown sugar and vinegar reduction recipe now. That sounds like it would be awesome on ribs… As well as on fuckable princesses.
Beka, in the version I heard the princess slept through the labour, but when the kids crawled up her body trying to find a nipple to suck on (somewhat underestimating the helplessness of babies there) they found the finger with the spindle in it and sucked it out.
the most misogynist version is that the prince rapes the princes not only once, but 3 times, and she only wakes up after having kids the 3rd time, only to go home with the prince who (guess what) his mother is a fucking OGRESSS, who happens to have a certain insatiable hunger for children and sleeping princesses. But she restrains herself until finally one year, the prince leaves on a tour of the kingdom, and during the time he is gone, she locks up the princess, and starts to eat the children. Except the servants who all love the princess and the kids, trick her by feeding her baby animals and disguising the kids as their own, by having them wear peasant clothing and smearing them in mud and dirt. But the queen is so happy from being fed baby animals she doesn't notice. When the prince returns, the queen tells some lie, and the prince buys it, until the servants sneek the princess to him also disguised as a peasant, and she tells him the whole story, at which point the prince is like "OMG MOM, stop eating people, its just wrong" and kills her, at which point the servants return all the children and everyone celebrates that the Ogress queen is dead.
I'm really glad you guys know all these versions of the story. Also, brown sugar reduction: Mix some brown sugar with some apple cider vinegar. Maybe put in some salt and some red chili flakes. Sautee up whatever it is you want to have that shit on. Pour the liquid over that sauteed shit. Cook it for a long-ass time until it thickens up and becomes unbelievably delicious.
I sort of remember a version where Briar Rose goes a bit Medea and feeds the kids to the prince. Or the King? Either way, she does the killing and cooking.
Preferably in that brown sugar/vinegar reduction. That sounds tasty.
And I feel it's my duty as a parent to know all the crazy versions. =D Of course, it makes it really hard to tell any version to my kid. "I will tell you Red Riding Hood when you are older! You're not ready to know why the Wolf wants her honey pot!"
you may be the best mom.
Newborns actually aren't helpless and will crawl up their mother to find a breast to feed – we just don't see much of that shit nowadays because mothers (and therefore their babies) are so doped up on painkillers for the labor.
Wow, these alternative endings are rape-tastic. Also, I slathered that reduction on a pork loin that is cooking in my crock pot RIGHT NOW.
Jeez that last sentence sounds like a filthy and delicious euphemism.
In the version I read the prince takes her back but WHOOPS, guy is married, and his wife isn't too keen on his rapebabies and coma'd-lover moving in and she tries to cook the kids. I don't remember what happened after that.
I want to collect all your crazy names, like hotpants mcprincess.