So there’s this chick Myrrha

she really
really
really wants to bang her dad Cinryas
who is also the king
she wants this because aphrodite makes her want it
because aphrodite is totally pissed at the queen
Cenchreis
for saying that her daughter is hotter than aphrodite
so anyway all myrrha can think about
is her dad’s meatpole
now obviously this is a problem
because her dad
is married to her mom
also incest is bad
so she takes the only sensible option
and tries to hang herself
only she does a pretty shitty job
cause her nurse finds her
and is like whoa now
i would be a pretty shitty nurse
if you killed yourself
whats up
and myrrha is like
man i dunno
i’m just pretty bummed
about all these laws
against like
incest
and adultery
and her nurse is like pish posh
you can totally fuck your dad
all you need is a little elbow grease
and like maybe some other kinds of grease
so they wait until myrrha’s mom is out of town
with all the other married women
at some kind of demeter festival
and then the nurse goes hey king
i know this chick
who is totally down for some sex
and the king is like
SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET
my wife has been gone only fifteen minutes
but i am already starting to feel the burn
so that night
they turn down all the lights real low
and the king is super drunk
and myrrha goes and fucks the shit out of him
its great
they love it
they love it so much they do it for like
a week
and then one night myrrha fucks up i guess
like maybe she yells give it to me daddy
or thats right fuck me like you would fuck your daughter
or oh baby we are committing so much incest right now
and the king gets suspicious
and the next night he brings in a lamp
and is like holy balls
you are not just some hot young thing
with father issues
you are actually my daughter
what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck
so he responds logically to this situation
and he gets his sword
and just starts chasing myrrha all over the place
and myrrha is like shit shit shit
what do i do
where do i go
hey gods
how about you help me out
by turning me into something
that is not living
and is also not dead
because i’m pretty sure nobody who has ever lived
or died
is going to sympathize with my repeated incest
and the gods are like sure why not
here
you are a tree now
specifically a myrrh tree
because your name is myrrha
so have fun with that
but there is a TWIST
because myrrha is totally preggers
and like a few months later
her tree cracks open
and this dude adonis steps out
only instead of having like
eight heads
or eleven toes
or like some kind of hilarious speech impediment
what adonis has is the sexiest body this side of the black sea
i am not fucking joking
this shit is on fire
tiny woodland animals look upon his glistening pecs
and burst into flame guys
in fact he is so fucking hot
aphrodite is out going about her business
of fucking a bunch of dudes
and is like WHOA
that’s one dude i’d like to fuck
no matter that i happen to know for a fact
that he is an incest baby
and also you know
a baby
ok heres what ill do
ill just put him in a chest
and let him grow up a bit
and to keep him safe
i know
i will give him to the queen of hell
persephone
great plan
high fives all around
only the problem is
persephone also kind of really wants to bone baby adonis
and so when the time comes
and aphrodite is like hey i need my kidnapped man back
persephone is like no bitch hes mine
and aphrodite is like ZEUUUUUSSSSS
make persephone give me my sex slave back
and zeus is like man
i dont even want to deal with this
i am laying down dick like railroad track right now
i have a one way ticket on the transcontinental railroad
next stop
boner city
how about you guys take it up with Calliope
she’s a muse i bet she totally knows what to do
only Calliope is kind of just like shit man
i dont know
this is not my area of expertise
i am the muse of singing
what the fuck
how about you each get adonis for half of the year
and aphrodite is like
FUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK
THAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
how about I make all the women in Thrace kill your depressed son
you know
Orpheus
so yeah that’s how Orpheus gets killed
but i’m pretty sure that the decision stands
so adonis spends half the year romping around
fucking aphrodite
probably getting a million STDs
and totally loving it
despite the fact that she locked him in a chest in hell for like
all of his formative years
but anyway aphrodite really likes this kid
and is like hey dude
let me give you some hunting advice
only kill animals
that are too weak to kill you back
and adonis is like durr ok
and goes off into the forest
and immediately tries killing
a WILD FUCKING BOAR
maybe that is where the inbreeding finally came into play
anyway obviously the boar kills him
just rips him to pieces
and aphrodite shows up when she hears him like
bleeding and dying all over the place
and is like aww man
dammit
and then adonis dies
and aphrodite gives birth to their daughter
named Beroe
who gets play from both dionysis
AND poseidon
so the moral of the story is
you should totally try incest at least once
because for every ten mutated squidbabies
you get one adonis
shoot for the stars

The end