Who here likes booze

me
I like booze
and if you like booze
you will be THRILLED TO HEAR
about this mythical type of superbooze
the dwarves invented back in the day
it is called MAGICAL MEAD
it has only two ingredients
honey
and HUMAN BLOOD
but not just any blood
this is the blood of none other
than KVASIR THE POET
GUYS GUESS WHAT HE DOES
HE’S A POET
IT SAYS SO RIGHT IN HIS NAME
and not only is he a poet
but he’s a super good poet
so good
that drinking his blood
(as long as its mixed with honey)
not only gets you ten new varieties of shitfaced
it also gives you ultimate wisdom
and makes you speak beautiful words all the time
or maybe it just gets you so fucked up you think diamonds are coming out of your mouth
either way
pretty sweet stuff
bummer about Kvasir though

see what the dwarves do
being the little goldfucking assholes they are
is they bring Kvasir down to their caves
and murder him
and take his blood
all like HAHA GOT YOUR BLOOD ASSHOLE
and then they mix it with honey
and bam
magic mead
i hope that i am a good enough writer
that one day
dwarves will murder me
and drink my blood for wisdom

anyway the dwarves spend a good chunk of time
just becoming deliriously wrecked on this illicit substance
to the point
where they become convinced
that they are the hottest shit
ever to hit the fan
see all this bullshit about dwarves having like
THE highest alcohol tolerance
that is clearly bullshit
look how tiny they are
guys
they’re all just alcoholics
tiny filthy ring raping alcoholics
but i digress

the dwarves go up to the surface
to jotunheim
all like hehehe let’s prank some giants
so they find this one dumbass giant
Gilling
and they are like hey gilling let’s go for a boat ride
and gilling is like dur ok
and the dwarves are like HAHA PRANKED
WE’RE GONNA CRASH THE BOAT INTO A ROCK
AND YOU’RE GOING TO DROWN
AND WE’RE GOING TO FLOAT AIMLESSLY ON THE WRECKAGE
UNTIL A CURRENT CARRIES US TO SHORE
GOD WE ARE SO CLEVER
and then they probably throw up all over the place
because these dudes
they are dudes with drinking problems

anyway they are so titilated by this prank
hehe titillated
that they decide to prank Gilling’s wife too
so they show up at her house like
HEY
HEY GILLING’S WIFE
YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD
and gilling’s wife is all NOOOOOO
and runs out of the house crying and clapping for some reason
and the dwarves are all hiding over her door
and they drop a big rock on her head
killing her
BAM
INSTANT COMEDY

they probably would have kept getting drunk and killing giants
making them basically just like
tiny shitty aesir
only it turns out that not all giants are TOTAL RETARDS
for example, Gilling’s brother Suttung
sneaks up on the dwarves while they are busy singing a song they wrote
called LALALA FUCK GIANTS WE DONE KILLED TWO AND ALSO A POET
i tell you
this mead is some MAGIC SHIT
anyway Suttung grabs their asses
well not actually their asses
their whole bodies
in fact, like five of their whole bodies
in each of his massive fucking hands
and he wades out to sea
and puts them all on a rock
and the tide is rising
and Suttung is standing there like guys
guess who is going to drown from the rising tide first
it is going to be you
because you are way shorter than me
and the dwarves are like PLEASE NO
WE WILL GIVE YOU GOLD
ALSO JEWELS
ACTUALLY THE GOLD MIGHT BE A LITTLE STICKY WHEN WE GIVE IT TO YOU
YOU CAN STILL HAVE IT THOUGH

and suttung is like fuck no eww
what do i need that shit for
I’m a giant
i fuck GIANTS
not inanimate objects
and the dwarves are like OH YEAH WELL HOW BOUT SOME MAGIC MEAD
and suttung is like magic mead you say?
that could be extremely helpful for getting very drunk
i mean
for fighting the aesir
gimme
so he holds a couple dwarves hostage and they give him the mead
and he hides it in a cave
and turns his beautiful daughter into a fugly witch
so she will have nothing better to do than guard the mead forever

ok so plot twist
turns out that ALL OF THAT WAS BACKSTORY
because years later Odin FINALLY SHOWS UP
as Vegtam the wanderer
with the one eye and the wisdom and everything
he’s wandering past a field and he sees some dudes cutting wheat
and one of the dudes is like hey man
go tell Baugi in the castle up there that i can’t cut this wheat
i need to sharpen my scythe
this is bullshit
and Odin is like oh no problem use MY whetstone
and the dude is like aww fuck
i was just trying to get a quick break
but ok
and he sharpens his scythe
and then he cuts some wheat
and holy shit man
that wheat is well and truly CUT
so all the other eight dudes working there
are like GIMME
and odin is like fine whatever
and just tosses the stone into the field
and leaves them to fight over it
so Odin shows up at Baugi’s place
(baugi happens to be suttang’s brother by the way)
and he is like yo give me food
so they do
and while odin is eating dinner
a messenger comes in like Baugi
Baugi
all of our wheat dudes just killed each other with scythes
i guess they were fighting over a whetstone or something
and Odin is like haha suckers
hey Baugi do you need a wheat dude
i am pro at wheat

and Baugi is like pish posh my friend
i need nine wheat dudes
not just one
and Odin is like i can do nine wheat dudes worth of work
just watch me
and so baugi watches odin
do the work of nine men
for the ENTIRE season
and then is like alright what do i owe you
and Odin is like oh nothing
just A DRAUGHT OF THE MAGIC MEAD
and Baugi is like shit really?
ok lemme ask my bro

so Baugi goes to ask Suttang for the mead
and Suttang is like DUMBASS
WHO DO YOU THINK THAT GUY IS?
DO YOU THINK HE’S NINE GUYS
OR DO YOU THINK HE’S A FUCKING AESIR
BZZZZZ
TIME’S UP
HE’S A FUCKING AESIR IDIOT
DON’T BE GIVING NO MEAD TO THE FUCKING AESIR

so baugi goes back to odin like sorry dude no dice
and Odin is like bitch you still owe me big time
I am GETTING that mead
help me break into the cave where it is hid
and baugi is like fuck all i wanted was some harvested wheat
i did not sign up for this shit
this is why you always get a contract ahead of time
but ok

so baugi takes odin to the cave where the mead is
and there’s a huge rock blocking it
and he’s like sorry man
can’t move that
and odin hands him a hand-powered drill
and is like make it work bitch
and then stands there leaning on his staff
lookin’ all cool
while Baugi works his ass off trying to drill through stone
and after a bunch of hours
baugi is like ok done
and odin goes over and blows in the hole
and stone dust hits him in the face
and he’s like BITCH WHAT IS THIS
YOU DIDN’T DRILL ALL THE WAY THROUGH
NOW DID I ASK YOU TO DRILL A HOLE THROUGH THIS ROCK
OR DID I ASK YOU TO DRILL A HOLE TO PUSSYVILLE
WHAT DID IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN I SAID IT MOTHERFUCKER
GET BACK TO WORK
and baugi is like jeeze fine
and keeps drilling
and eventually he makes a hole all the way through
and is like there happy?
and odin is like yes but OH SHIT LOOK OVER THERE
and baugi is like what
and odin turns into a snake and goes into the hole
then baugi turns back around
and is like OH SHIT SNAKE
KILL IT
but he misses
like an asshole
and odin gets inside

inside, odin hears Suttang’s ugly daughter Gunnlod
crying because she is so ugly
and has to live in a cave
and has no friends or anything
she sees odin as a snake and is like
BOY I SURE HOPE YOU ARE POISONOUS
I HAVE BEEN LOOKING TO KILL MYSELF FOR A BIT
and odin is like nope just king of the gods right here
and Gunnlod is like OH FUCK NO YOU CANT HAVE THE MEAD
and odin is like what if i make you pretty again
and then he starts making out with her
and it turns her beautiful
sweet deal
must be great to be Odin
just start making out with any chick and bam
instant playmate

anyway in exchange for the mystical cosmetic surgery
Gunnlod lets odin take the mead
and they get lost in the cave for like 3 days trying to get out
maybe fuck each other a bit
and then they split up
with Gunnlod singing to everyone about how great Odin is
because she’s a great singer
because she had nothing to do in the cave but get wrecked on magic mead
and meanwhile odin imprisons the dwarves who made the mead
in their caves
forever
and then shares the mead with all the people of midgard
because i don’t care whether that cup is full of straight gin
or human fucking blood
you are not wasting good booze
that is the lesson

the end.