SO PECOS BILL AGAIN

last time we saw him
he was a fucking coyote or some shit
at least he thought he was
but that is NO LONGER THE CASE
he is now a grown man
acutely aware of the fact
that he is not any kind of a coyote
but also acutely unaware
of certain basic facts of physics

like for example:

YOU CANNOT RIDE A TORNADO LIKE IT IS A HORSE
TORNADOES DIFFER FROM HORSES
IN MANY DISTINCT WAYS
SCIENCE HAS SHOWN THIS

anyway pecos bill is up in kansas for some reason
and he is like hey
you know what would be great to ride right now
A FUCKING TORNADO
so he hangs out in tornado country for a while
checkin’ out the tornadoes
he even lets a couple pass by unmolested
because they are simply not dangerous enough
and finally he sees this one tornado
tearing the shit out of EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE
turning the sky black and green and shit
and he is like alright
i was worried
that I wasn’t going to get to do anything DANGEROUSLY SUICIDAL today
now’s my chance

so pecos bill jumps on that tornado
pushes it to the ground like he is about to rape the shit out of it
and then does one better and climbs on it
and is like giddy the fuck up you son of a bitch
so the tornado
obviously
is like FUCKITY FUCK NO
it actually seriously starts cursing
like
pecos bill has pissed off this natural phenomenon so much
it has miraculously gained the power of speech
it has also gained the power to tear ass through all of America
tying rivers in knots and skullfucking forests
killing thousands of animals
destroying vast swaths of land
they get to texas
and pecos bill is still chilling out on this tornado
just occasionally digging his spurs into it
i don’t know what he found to dig his spurs into
but whatever it is it sure pisses the tornado off

so finally the tornado is like aww jesus fuck
no matter what i do
this asshole just keeps sitting on me
occasionally making cowboy or wolf noises at me
this is horrible
life is horrible
why me

so of course the tornado decides to commit suicide
it flies over to the grand canyon
and cries itself out of existence
raining so hard it fills up the fucking canyon
and as a result of this pathetic supernatural pity festival
pecos bill suddenly finds himself
with nothing to ride
and he flies through the air
and hits the ground so hard
it creates death valley
and then a bunch of cowboys are like
whoa that looks pretty sweet
let’s make that a sport
only let’s do it with horses instead of tornadoes
and they invented rodeo

so the moral of the story is
dismantle FEMA
Pecos Bill could have singlehandedly stopped Katrina
or maybe made it like
a thousand times worse
in fact probably that is the more likely scenario
seeing as pecos’ little dickscapade
effectively devastated like 50% of america
so the real moral of the story is
stay the fuck away from tornados
rodeo has already been invented so you have nothing to gain

The End