Short one today
to make up for the LONG LONG FUCKITY LONG one from tuesday
also I have to get on a plane to LA in a couple of minutes
so here we go:

alright so there’s these three mice
they have vision problems
SEVERE vision problems
straight up macular degeneration cataracts glaucoma 3x combo
and their health insurance is SHIT because they are MICE
seriously
these dudes could not see the back side of a barn
which is problematic
because they LIVE in the backside of a barn
or at least somewhere on a farm
cause see one day the farmer’s wife comes sauntering by
and they’re like HOLY SOMEBODY’S COMING
WE’D BETTER DO THE SENSIBLE THING
AND START CHASING HER
so they do
or maybe they thought they were running away
but need I remind you they are FUCKING BLIND
so they are just running all up at her skirts and shit
and she is like EEK EEK EEK
OH WAIT
THOSE ARE MOUSE NOISES
I AM A HUMAN
AND ONE OF THE THINGS THAT SEPARATES ME FROM FILTHY SQUEAKING BARNMAMMALS
IS MY ABILITY TO USE TOOLS
SPECIFICALLY THIS CARVING KNIFE
so she just turns around like SHABAM FLOORTWATS
and the mice have no clue what is about to happen because they CAN’T FUCKING SEE
so she cuts off all their tails
now let me ask you my friends
have you ever seen such a thing in your life?
if you grew up on a farm
the answer is:
probably

BUT MY FRIENDS THAT IS NOT THE WHOLE STORY
because apparently this is all some kind of fucked up allegory
for how there were these three dudes
named Hugh Latimer, Nicholas Ridley and Thomas Cranmer
they ran afoul of the queen at the time
Queen Mary the First
because they were being WAYYYY too protestant
especially Thomas Cranmer
who happened to also be the archbishop of canterbury
and that is kind of a conflict of interest?
so Mary rounds up these dudes
and she’s about to set them on fire if they don’t convert to non-protestantism
and Tommy is like WHOA WAIT
I TOTALLY TAKE BACK ALL MY PROTESTANT SHIT I SAID
I GET TO LIVE NOW, RIGHT?
and Mary is like uh nope
still gonna set you on fire
and Thomas is like WELL SHIT
I GUESS I TAKE BACK ALL THE NON-PROTESTANT SHIT I SAID THEN
PROTESTANTS 4EVA
and then he dies
and this is like that rhyme about the mice
because in this story
the three dudes who got burned represent the mice
except instead of being blind
they are protestants
and the queen represents the farmer’s wife
except instead of cutting off their tails
she sets them on fire
and the whole thing is about religion
which just goes to show
that if you are coming up with a rhyme to celebrate history
folks give you a LOT of leeway

THE END