ok so there’s this fisherman

for some reason he has a habit of only casting his net four times a day
so one day he’s casting his net
and it’s like straight out of a bugs bunny cartoon
dude is pulling up old boots
big jars full of sand
tin cans
whatever
and he’s about to cast his net one last time
and he’s all HEY ALLAH
YOU KNOW HOW YOU’RE ALL-MERCIFUL AND JUNK?
HOW ABOUT I CATCH SOME FISH NOW OK?
and then he casts his net and comes up with a magic lamp
and he’s like ALLAH THIS IS NOT WHAT I ASKED FOR
but thanks I guess?

so I know what you’re thinking
what makes this thing a magic lamp
as opposed to just a regular old lamp?
first of all, it’s SUPER heavy
and as we all know
heaviness = magic
whales are the wizards of the ocean
second of all
it has a lead seal in the spout
marked with the SEAL OF KING SOLOMON
pretty heavy shit
now you would think that if King Solomon wanted this lamp to stay all constipated
it might be a good idea to keep that plug in there
but apparently this fisherman took a few levels in supreme idiocy
because he just digs out his pocketknife and opens that fucker up
i don’t know what he thinks he’s going to find
tiny rubies?
really heavy popcorn?
well what he actually finds is a MOTHERFUCKING GENIE
and the genie is all like hey dude thanks for rescuing me
gonna kill you now
and the fisherman is like whoa what the fuck
why
and the Genie is like well
king solomon imprisoned me in this lamp CENTURIES ago
and for a while i was down there at the bottom of the ocean all like
man whoever releases me is gonna get 3 wishes
and then as time went by i was like ok whoever lets me out is gonna get FIFTY wishes
and then i got bitter and decided to use murder instead of wishes
so i guess this is just a case of bad timing huh?
and the fisherman is like THAT MAKES NO SENSE
I JUST RESCUED YOU FROM A GODDAMN LAMP
and the genie’s like sorry dude
I promised myself I was gonna murder somebody and I don’t wanna let myself down
and the dude is like hold on wait a second
you’re telling me you
a grown-ass genie
were imprisoned in that tiny bottle for several centuries?
and the genie is like yeah what of it
and the man is like i don’t believe you
and the genie is like YOU JUST SAW ME COME OUT OF THE FUCKING BOTTLE
and the man is like bullshit
I saw nothing
prove it
and the genie is like FINE I’LL PROVE IT
and he gets back in the bottle
LIKE AN IDIOT
and the fisherman puts the cork back in
TA DA

now that could have been the end of the story
but of course then the genie starts being a whiny little bitch
and being like please release me dude
I will totally hook you up with some sweet loot
and instead of seriously bargaining with the genie or anything
the dude is basically just like ok i guess we’re even now
and lets him out
and the genie is like alright dude
lemme show you this bitchin’ lake I know about

so they go to the lake
and the fisherman dude casts his net
and he gets FOUR FISH
not a lot of fish by any standard
definitely not enough fish to justify releasing a fucking MURDEROUS GENIE
but they are in some pretty bitchin colors
red, yellow, green and blue
and the genie is like take these to the sultan
it will be great I promise

so the fisherman takes the fish to the sultan
and the sultan buys them off him for like 500 bucks
which is pretty sweet
and then he gives them to some chick to cook
but when she tries to cook them
some other random chick BUSTS THROUGH THE FUCKING WALL LIKE THE KOOL-AID MAN
SAYS SOMETHING TO THE FISHES ABOUT AN ANCIENT PROMISE
THEN THE FISH START FUCKING TALKING
and by the time that’s all over dinner is ruined
but unfortunately the cooking chick is the only one who saw that shit happen
so when the vizier walks in she’s just standing there with 4 burnt tropical fish
like uh
magic?
so the Vizier is like BULLSHIT
I GOTTA SEE THIS FOR MYSELF

so they send for the fisherman
and he gets them 4 more fish for 500 more bucks
and they try this shit again
and the SAME SHIT HAPPENS
except this time it’s a black dude who busts down the wall
and then the vizier tells the sultan
and they’ve gotta do the whole thing AGAIN for HIM
so the fisherman is making some serious cheddar off of this
until the sultan sees what’s going on and is like ALRIGHT
GO GET THE FISHERMAN
TELL HIM TO TAKE US TO THIS FUCKED UP LAKE
and the fisherman is like dammit genie
i really would have preferred a couple of nice simple wishes
a gold cock and a swimming pool full of blowjobs or something
whatever
i’m sure i could have come up with something better than a fucking magic lake
that i have to walk to every day and then sell worthless magic fish to the king

but anyway the sultan and all his dudes camp by this lake
and they hear about how there’s like a castle up in the mountains or something
so the sultan tells his Wazir
(a wazir is basically like an ultimate butler that only sultans get)
to not let anybody into his tent and tell everybody he is asleep
while meanwhile he sneaks into the mountains to see whats up

so up in the mountains is this really sweet castle with no one in it
except this one really sad dude whose legs are made out of stone
and the sultan is like dude what the fuck is wrong with your legs
and the guy is like WELL LET ME TELL YOU A STORY
basically i was the king and my wife was a twank
and she kept drugging me to go bone this gross leper
so i got pissed off and hit the leper with my sword
but it’s ok
i only severed half his neck and most of his veins
but then it wasn’t ok because for like THREE YEARS my wife mourned over him
and built a fucking shrine for him in the castle
and finally tricked me into admitting I stabbed him
and then got real pissed at me and turned my legs to stone
and turned everyone in the kingdom into fish
color-coded according to their religious beliefs
and turned the islands the kingdom was on into mountains
and moved the whole place like a year’s journey east
yeah it seems like a lot of effort huh
i guess she was pretty pissed?
and every day she whips me a whole bunch
and then goes and tries to feed that leper dude some soup

and the sultan is like fuuuuuuck man
lemme help you out real quick
so he goes into the tent where the leper dude is
and he stabs him and chucks him in a well
then he puts on all his clothes and gets into his grossnasty bed
and when the witch chick comes in in the morning he’s like HEY HONEY I CAN TALK NOW
oh by the way the leper is also a black dude
and at this point the sultan does a pretty racist caricature of black dude talkin’
which i think both the original author and the 19th century translator
thought was HILARIOUS
but which in retrospect is actually pretty tame
anyway he’s like HEY LADY
YOU KNOW WHY I HAVEN’T RECOVERED YET?
NOT BECAUSE OF THE HIDEOUS WOUND IN MY NECK
BUT BECAUSE YOUR STONE-LEGGED HUSBAND IS SO MISERABLE AND HE CRIES ALL THE TIME
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TURN HIS LEGS INTO LEGS INSTEAD OF ROCKS
and the witch chick is like right away loverboy
and so she does it and comes back
and the sultan is like OH YEAH I FORGOT
I AM ALSO GETTING ALL KINDS OF BOTHERED BY HOW EVERYONE IS FISH
AND HOW THE ISLANDS ARE MOUNTAINS AND STUFF
MAYBE YOU SHOULD FIX THAT
and the witch is like sure no problem
so she does
at which point the sultan runs out of crafty ploys and just stabs her in the chest
and then throws her in the well
and the day is saved!

so now they’re suddenly a whole year away from home
on account of magic
but no one gives a fuck because the day is saved and whatnot
the stone-leg dude becomes the sultan’s adopted son
and they spend a year getting back to the sultan’s crib
miraculously unharmed by its ruler having been gone for well over a year
and then the sultan hits up the fisherman like yo
thank you for uh
for instigating some ridiculous good times?
been a long time since I’ve had a good excuse to fling some corpses into some wells
here
let me marry your daughter right quick
then i will marry your other daughter to this adopted son I have
and then i’ll make your son the mayor or something
and the fisherman is like SWEET
i guess it all worked out in the end

so the moral of the story is
not all genies grant wishes
some grant clusterfucks

THE END.