Category Archives: Aphrodite

Weaselboners

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Today’s myth brought to you by
JUMPKICK FLAPJACK, THE KANGAROO LUMBERJACK
actually i was just too lazy to look up the person’s real name
I hope you like your new nickname, Jumpkick
anyway, this is a story about aphrodite fucking people over

Okay so weasels are great
they look like hairy balloon animals
and their name sounds like the noise balloon animals make when you rub them together
and then when you rub weasels together
THEY ACTUALLY MAKE THAT NOISE
or else bite you and run away
I don’t know
I’ve never even seen a weasel in person to be honest
but I’ve seen a lot of balloon animals
and those are great.

All this is to say
that if a weasel suddenly developed a crush on me one day I would try to be understanding
i mean i would still be grossed out
because ew
but I always try to give the benefit of the doubt to things that resemble clown byproducts
(see also: clownfish, juggalos, crying children)
so I would at least let the weasel down easy.
NOT SO FOR THE PROTAGONIST OF OUR TALE
i don’t know what his name is because fuck it
but he’s the kind of jerk who finds himself the unwilling recipient of unsolicited ladyweasleboners
and just FLIPS HIS SHIT
and is like NO NO NO NO EW GROSS NO GO AWAY
and then the lady weasel is like aww
and then she’s like oh man
it’s a good thing I live in an enlightened age where animals can talk
i better use all my talking to pray for aphrodite to come solve my sex problems
YO
APHRODITE
HELP ME PRANK THIS HUMAN DUDE INTO SEXING ME
and aphrodite is ok I’ll be down in a minute
lemme just put some clothes on

so aphrodite shows up and turns the weasel into a hot chick
and the weasel is like OH MAN
HOT CHICK
IT’S GO TIME
so she runs up to the dude from earlier like SEXXXX PLEASEEEE
and the dude is like YOU’RE WELCOME
and then they get married like right there
and they’re about to get freaky
and Aphrodite is like hm
i wonder if there’s still time to fuck this up
oh man
what a silly question
there is always time to fuck everything up
so she’s just like FIZZAM
and turns the lady back into a weasel
and the dude is like AWW COME ON
I HAD MY DICK OUT AND EVERYTHING
WHAT THE FUCK
I DO NOT WANT A WEASEL GETTING HER CHAW ON ALL OVER MY DICK
GET OUT OF HERE YOU CRAZY WEASEL
YOU CRAZY SHAPESHIFTING REVERSE-BESTIALITY WEASEL
GO FIND SOMEONE WHO SHARES YOUR PERVERSE FANTASIES ON THE INTERNET.
so that is what the weasel does, probably

now here is my problem with Aesop’s fables
this dude always provides a moral
and his morals are always WAYYY WRONG
take for example, this one:
if you have an evil nature, it will always be revealed in the end
EVEN IF YOU CHANGE YOUR APPEARANCE.
what the fuck?
No!
That’s not what this story is telling us at all.
First of all, weasels aren’t evil. This one just wanted some hot man-lovin’
This story is basically just The Little Mermaid with Ursula replaced by a sex-rampagin’ jerk-goddess
and second of all
terrible people get breast implants EVERY DAMN DAY
AND IT WORKS
MOSTLY ON EQUALLY TERRIBLE PEOPLE
the breast implants do not turn into weasels whenever these terrible people get frisky
they stay firm and vaguely breastlike
so I hear.

SO WE CAN ALL AGREE THAT AESOP HAD NO IDEA WHAT HE WAS TALKING ABOUT
and we can also agree
that the real moral of the story
is that there is no one hundred percent reliable way
to have sex with animals and have it not be gross.

THE END.

Life sucks with half a penis

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OK LETS DO THIS

so there is this dude
he is the son of hermes
and Aphrodite
yeah
that chick gets AROUND
additionally
that chick is really bad at coming up with names
and so is hermes
so what they do
is they take their names
and chop them up
and make a retard soup out of them
and call their son hermaphroditus
i think you can already tell where this story is going

so one day this kid hermaphroditus is walking through the woods
he has been doing this for a fat while
because when you are the son of two gods
you are pretty set for life
and can just do what you damn well please
like march around rome with your dick in your hands
humming the national anthem
i met a homeless guy like that in rome actually
although i am not sure he was the son of any gods
definitely a hermaphrodite though
also he kind of smelled like poop

ANYWAY Hermaphroditus is tooling about in the forest
when he comes to a pool
like
a super sweet pool
lots of really awesome water in this pool ok
and also in this pool
is a super hot nymph
who is too fucking lazy to go hunting with Diana
(yeah i know i’m mixing greek and roman names
but that’s the way ovid does it
so if you wanna go ahead and fly to italy
and dig up the bones of the greatest poet of all time
and fuck him right in the skull
again and again until your gentials are coated in splinters and bonepowder
be my guest
otherwise shut your hole)
she just sits by the pool all day
bathing
and getting out
and bathing
and trying on clothes
and combing her hair
and looking at herself in the water
and bathing
which all serves to make her
totally boneable
but kind of a diva

so this nymph looks up and sees hermaphroditus dicking around
and she is like HOLY SHIT
I WANT TO CUT ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT
REHEAT IT IN A CONVECTION OVEN
SPRINKLE SOME CINNAMON ON IT
AND THEN RUB IT ON MY NAUGHTY PLACES
HEY BOY WHAT DO YOU SAY

and hermaphroditus is like uhhhh
and this nymph is like BOY THE DAME WHO NURSED YOU WAS PRETTY LUCKY
I’D SURE LIKE TO HAVE YOU SUCK ON MY TITS
seriously
you know normally i kind of adlib the pickup lines in these myths
but that is straight up what this broad says
basically
then she is like MARRY ME IMMEDIATELY FOR GUILT-FREE BANGING
and hermaphroditus is like GO AWAY
I AM CONFUSED BY ALL THESE FEELINGS
and the nymph is like ok fine
i’ll leave you alone
and immediately goes and hides in some nearby bushes

so hermaphroditus
being of course a whole goddamn retard convention
instantly rips off his clothes and goes swimming in the lake
like OH I BET THAT HORNY NYMPH ISN’T WATCHING ME OR ANYTHING
and not only does he go swim in the lake
he also slaps himself a bunch
and starts flailing around in the water
like some kind of special mating dance for idiots

of course at the sight of the boy’s pendulous junk
the nymph is like OH SNAP
IT IS PARTY TIME
AND THE PARTY IS IN HERMAPHRODITUS’S PANTS
OR ACTUALLY
SINCE HE IS NOT WEARING PANTS
JUST HIS CROTCH I GUESS
HEY HERMAPHRODITUS PARTY IN YOUR CROTCH

and she jumps out of the foliage
and rapes him in the water
again and again
except he has the presence of mind to keep his dick out of her
which is really disappointing for her
but she just keeps right on dryhumping him
or i guess wethumping him
fwap fwap fwap
but finally she gets fed up with this shit
and is like HEYYY GODDSSSSSS
IF I CANT BONE THIS GUY
AT LEAST MELD OUR BODIES INTO A HORRIBLE MULELIKE HALFBREED
and the gods are like BAM
MOST INTERESTING PRAYER WE GOT ALL DAY
GRANTED

so then hermaphroditus suddenly realizes
that his life has an acute case
of good news/bad news
good news:
the nymph who is raping you is nowhere to be found
bad news:
you now have exactly half a penis
and half a vag
how did this happen
so he gets super pissed
and is like HEY GODS
SINCE I’M HALF A MAN NOW
HOW ABOUT ANYONE WHO STEPS IN THIS POOL BECOMES HALF A MAN TOO
and the gods are like WELL TODAY IS THE DAY FOR GRANTING ASININE PRAYERS
YOU GOT IT BUDDY
so now if you step in that pool
which is called salmacis fyi
you get super weak
although your penis does not actually come off

so the moral of the story is
having gods for parents can be sweet
but it’s not going to stop a hot nymph
who wants to evaporate half your dangly bits
and replace them with hers
so if you have god parents
consider becoming an emancipated minor

the end.