Category Archives: Apollo

Don’t fuck with Latona

Posted on by
7

Okay so puffs

sorry to bust your balls like that
about wanting some greek myths
buddy
i like greek myths too
and to prove it to you
here is a greek myth

alright so there is this chick Niobe
she is an utter priss festival
all strutting around
vehemently denying
that her shit stinks
she is the queen on some island or something
man everybody in greece seems to have been
like a queen
or else some kind of king
or satyr
or some shit
there were like NO REGULAR PEOPLE
at ALL
anyway one day this chick Manto
the daughter of Tiresias
goes running through Niobe’s city screaming OH SHIT GUYS
TIME TO WORSHIP THE GODDESS LATONA
SHE FEELS INADEQUATE FOR SOME REASON
SO GET ON THAT

so everyone starts worshipping the everloving bajeezus out of latona
like making wreathes
and dancing around
and doing all kinds of shitty craft projects and whatnot
and Niobe shows up like WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS
YOU GUYS ARE WASTING TIME WORSHIPPING THIS BROAD
WHEN YOU COULD BE WORSHIPPING
ME

so niobe launches into this long
clearly prepared speech
about how much better she is than latona
like how her parents are all gods
or else people who hung out with gods
like Tantalus
although actually honestly
like i said
everybody in greece at this time
was chilling with all manner of gods
anyway then she is like HEY LATONA
YOU ONLY HAVE TWO KIDS
I HAVE FOURTEEN
LET ME DO SOME MATH FOR YOU
FOURTEEN
EQUALS SEVEN
TIMES TWO
I HAVE SEVEN TIMES MORE CHILDREN THAN YOU
MY VAGINA IS INFINITELY MORE DISTENDED
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU CODHOLES DOING WORSHIPPING LATONA
WHEN YOU COULD BE MAKING SACRED MACARONI PICTURES
FOR MY GAPING BABY CHUTE

so everybody is like fuckdamn woman
we’ll stop
we’ll stop
sorry
don’t eat us with your cavernous vag
and niobe is like damn right

ok now guys
it is a historical fact
that niobe did indeed have seven times more kids
than Latona
however what Niobe is overlooking here
is that Latona’s two kids
are APOLLO AND ARTEMIS
GUYS
EACH OF THOSE KIDS
IS WORTH LIKE
SIXTY KIDS
AT LEAST
THAT CHANGES THE MATH SLIGHTLY
so of course Latona
upon hearing that niobe is hosting an all-you-can-eat hubris buffet
calls her kids over and is like hey
hey
can we fuck niobe over
i really want to fuck niobe over
how should we fuck niobe over guys
and apollo is like LESS TALKING MORE FUCKING OVER
and ZOOM the laser death train leaves the station

what follows is one of those dramatically bloody action sequences
that really makes me wish ovid had gotten to direct die hard
because basically what happens
is apollo shows up where all niobe’s 7 sons are out exercising
and kills them all with arrows
in the most horrendously brutal ways
like one guy gets an arrow all the way through his throat
and does a triple sowcow over the front of his chariot
to get hooffucked by angry horses
and two sons are wrestling
so SHOOP
apollo just pins those guys together with an arrow
and so on and so forth
murder murder murder
until one of them is like PLEASE GODS STOP MURDERING
and apollo is like ok
WHOOPS
looks like i already let go of the arrow
sorry dude
so that one dies too

so then niobe sees what has happened
and so does her loving husband
who of course immediately kills himself
and niobe runs outside to the pile of mutilated flesh
that used to be her sons
actually bruising her arms from hugging them so hard
guys hugs are not usually brutal
but hugs where you injure yourself are BRUTAL TO THE MAX
and niobe is like WAAH WAAH WAAH WHAT THE FUCK LATONA
ALL I DID WAS INSULT YOUR LACK OF KIDS
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MURDER ALL MY KIDS
OH WAIT
I STILL HAVE SEVEN DAUGHTERS
I STILL WIN
HAHAHAHAHA BITCH WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT

guys
when gods have just demonstrated their ability
to kill seven of your children in as many minutes
it is not a good idea to remind them
about the other seven children you still have
so at this point artemis shows up
and kills all seven of niobe’s daughters
with a lot less pizazz than apollo
but still, pretty sweet
like they all just stop breathing basically

so at this point niobe is like DAMMIT
COULDN’T YOU HAVE AT LEAST LEFT ME 3 KIDS
SO I COULD KEEP FEELING SUPERIOR TO YOU
and latona is like NOPE SUCK IT
so then niobe starts crying
and she doesn’t stop crying
until she turns into marble and teleports to the top of a mountain
seriously that is how hard she cries
and actually the stone keeps crying even to this very day

so parents
remember:
when it comes to having kids
it is not quantity that is important
but whether your kids can kill everyone else’s kids

the end.

Apollo fucks trees

Posted on by
9

alright guys

just bought a copy of ovid’s metamorphoses
for fifty cents
in a curio shop
that until today
i thought was a crackhouse
so yall are gonna have to put up with some greek myths for a while

FOR EXAMPLE

there is this dude apollo right
actually he is more of a god than a dude
a god who has gotten all his cocks in a basket
(this being a phrase i just made up
meaning to become full of one’s self)
because he just killed a fucking python
the first python ever
it’s a bigger deal than it sounds actually
and to tell you about it
would require telling you a whole other myth
which is kind of like the biblical flood
but with werewolves
which i was actually gonna tell today
but then i decided fuck it
anyway if you wanna hear it you should let me know

BUT BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND
apollo has got all his cocks in a basket right
and he does what any man in his situation would do
he starts talking shit
he is like I AM THE BEST BOWMAN EVER
NO ONE IS A BETTER BOWMAN THAN ME
and cupid hears him
and is like oh yeah?
how about me?
and apollo is like how about fuck you
and cupid is like how about i use my arrows to make your life a living hell
and apollo is like how about OH SHIT OH DAMN OH SHITDAMN
because cupid is shooting him in the face
or i guess the heart
but really i mean
cupid only has to hit him in the heart
with one of his arrows
no law that says he can’t fire a bunch of other ones
at your face
in fact sometimes i suspect that is exactly what he does
anyway apollo falls in love with the first chick he sees
this broad daphne

but cupid doesn’t stop there
no no no
he gets another arrow
a really blunt arrow
tipped with lead
and he shoots daphne with it
right between the tits
and the face
so in the collarbone i guess
but instead of breaking her collarbone
this arrow has the effect
of making her totally uninterested in boning apollo
not that daphne needed any help with this at all
because she has already pledged to be a virgin forevar
even though she has a totally rockin body

so then apollo shows up
all HEY HEY HEY DAPHNE
I AM HERE TO PERSONALLY DELIVER AN INVITATION
TO A PARTY
IN MY TOGA
IT’S GONNA BE A SMALL PARTY
REALLY MORE OF A KICKBACK
REALLY MORE LIKE JUST YOU AND ME
IN MY TOGA
DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
and daphne does not say anything
because she is already running the FUCK away from there

so what is apollo supposed to do?
he starts running after her obviously
and she keeps running away
and he keeps running after her
and apollo is like WOMAN DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM
I AM APOLLO
I AM LITERALLY A GREEK GOD
I KILLED A PYTHON
IT WAS A HUGE DEAL
I CAN PLAY THE LYRE
I CAN TELL THE FUTURE
I CAN HEAL ANY WOUND
YOUR COLLARBONE LOOKS A LITTLE BRUISED LET ME CHECK IT OUT
but daphne is having none of it
she is hauling ass straight to motherfucking egypt if she has to
so she runs
and he runs
and etc
for THREE DAYS
SERIOUSLY THAT MANY DAYS
and the whole time apollo is like RIGHT behind her
like gonna getcha
gonna gonna getcha
and finally
at the end of these three days
daphne gets tired
and apollo does not
and he is like ha HA!
but the place where daphne finally gets tired
is right on the banks of this river Peneus
haha peneus
and guess what guys
that river
is daphne’s DAD
HOLY SHIT PLOT TWIST
actually not really
in the original version
you are given this information from the beginning
this is just bad storytelling on my part
but anyway daphne is like DAD
HELP
TURN ME INTO A TREE SO I DONT GET RAPED
and BAM
first laurel tree ever motherfuckers
right there
where daphne used to be
and apollo runs in
like MAN CAN I TOUCH SOME TIT BEFORE YOU TURN TO WOOD aww

but he salvages the situation
by declaring that from now on
he’s gonna wear a wreath of laurels all the time
and so is his lyre
and some other stuff of his
and some roman dudes
and all this shit
i think the words he actually uses are
“you cannot be my woman but you can be my tree”
which is just intensely creepy
but daphne seems ok with it
i guess because it is either this or rape

so ladies
the moral of the story is
fuck wasting your money on a rape whistle
get adopted by a river named Penis
problem solved