Category Archives: Badassery

Beowulf is the product of a genetic experiment to breed the baddest ass possible (Part 2!)

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Sorry guys
I just spent the last 48 hours
ceaselessly writing graduate school apps
actually i mentioned this blog in my apps
so if you guys could go ahead and post comments
about what a great writer I am
that would be great

anyway beowulf did not get finished being a badass in the last myth
so let’s get back to business
so grendel is dead apparently
because of blood loss from a SEVERED FUCKING ARM
but surprisingly
grendel has a mother
named
creatively enough
grendel’s mother
and she is PISSED
so no sooner has everyone finished partying
(and you have to understand
this has got to be
the party to end all parties
seeing as these dudes have been getting their party on
under threat of murder
for twelve years
and suddenly they ACTUALLY HAVE SOMETHING TO CELEBRATE)
grendel’s mom comes dervishing into the middle of this human sleepfest
like a hurricane of sexy rage
and just starts hatefucking a bloody canyon through the dudes on display
until they all wake up like SHIT MAYBE WE SHOULD USE VIOLENCE
and grendel’s mom is like FUCK I HATE VIOLENCE
and just gets the fuck out of there
with a dead body and grendel’s arm

so where is beowulf during all of this?
he’s in some sweet private room Hrothgar hooked him up with
so he conveniently fails to pop out and remove grendel’s mom’s skin
and only even learns what the fuck is going on
once she has escaped

so obviously beowulf is pretty pissed about this
Hrothgar hits him up like hey dude
i know you already done killed grendel and everything
but could you take some time out of your busy boozing schedule
to murder his mom
and beowulf is like THAT BITCH STOLE MY TROPHY ARM
I AM ON THIS SHIT LIKE BEES ON AN UNFORTUNATE BEAR
(yeah that’s right i’ve been commissioned to mention bees
at least once per post
until this myth is finished)

so there are some complications obviously
one
is that grendel’s mom
apparently lives in a FLAMMABLE SWAMP
another is that no man has ever reached the bottom of it alive
and guess where grendel’s mom lives
yeah
so beowulf cops a sweet sword off one of Hrothgar’s dudes
and then he brings all his homies to the swamp
and he is like dudes
i might die right now
but you know what
whatever
and then he dives into the water
and swims for roughly twenty four hours
and eventually arrives at the bottom of the lake
at which point grendel’s mom jumps out like BLUH
and starts trying to murder him

so luckily beowulf also jacked some sweet armor form Hrothgar
so grendel’s mom does not immediately crush him
but then he starts trying to chop off her limbs
and just STAYS FAILING
that is
until he finds an even bigger sword on the wall
and decapitates her with it
and then
apparently unsatisfied with the current level of decapitation
also finds grendel’s corpse floating around in there
and decapitates that too
which is actually a pretty bad plan
because grendel’s blood is HYDROCHLORIC ACID
the sword immediately dissolves
but that does not discourage beowulf
from stealing his severed head
and swimming for another solid day to get back up to the surface

meanwhile
all the dudes on the surface wait for like a day
and then see a veritable assload of blood
and are like oh
guess beowulf is dead huh
we should go home
but the geats
(beowulf’s dudes)
are like no way man
that’s gotta be someone else’s blood
beowulf bleeds fire and bullets so that couldn’t be his blood
and what do you know
2 days later THEY ARE RIGHT
beowulf shows up with a severed head and a melted sword like sup
did you miss me
i didn’t miss you
i was too busy killing

STAY TUNED FOR THE FINAL CHAPTER OF THIS VIOLENCE ORGY TOMORROW

Beowulf Eats Napalm and Shits Asses, Which He Kicks (Part 1)

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(i fixed the music upload so it’s the whole song now
and not just an infernal cocktease)

Man what the fuck Beowulf
this guy
this guy we are about to be talking about
is one of the few legendary heroes
who actually has sufficient ball mass
to back up all the guff he is dishing out
faster than free samples outside a fucking smoothie joint
(see also: hercules)
let me show you what I mean

so our story begins with this dude Hrothgar
shitting his pants over this unkillable monster named Grendel
(actually it begins with the lineage of Hrothgar
but raise your hand if you give a shit)
so Grendel is a descendant of Cain apparently
you know
the vegetarian dipshit who killed his brother
and the OTHER thing Grendel is
is he is the ultimate party-crasher

see at the start of this story
basically what Grendel is doing
is every night
when Hrothgar settles down to have himself a sweet party
in his meadhall
Grendel comes charging out of the swamp
humps the door down
and proceeds to play cockhockey with the internal organs
of all the people who are trying to get their booze on
he does this FOR TWELVE YEARS
there are several shocking things about this
one is that these are twelve years of solid murder we are talking about
but more importantly
where do they keep getting dudes
to come to these parties
after say
the first SIX YEARS of unstoppable death
you would think word would get around
like hey
party at Hrothgar’s crib tonight
are you coming
nah man I hear THERE IS A MONSTER THERE WHO MURDERS EVERYONE
but perhaps most bizarre
is the fact that Hrothgar CONTINUES to party throughout these 12 years
this is clearly a man who is committed to partying
i mean think about it
TWELVE YEARS
that’s twice as long as WORLD WAR TWO
and yet every night
Hrothgar mops the blood off his floor
invites all the friends who survived the last massacre
and does that shit all over again
AND HE NEVER RUNS OUT OF MEAD

So this shit has been going on for A WHILE by time Beowulf shows up
with all his men and his sword and shit
basically because he heard there was something suicidally dangerous he could do
and i guess he was bored of punching mountains in the face
and eating swords and fire and shitting shrapnel

so after scaring the shit out of the coastguard
Beowulf busts into Hrothgar’s meadhall
like HEY I HEARD YOU HAVE MONSTERS
WELL ACTUALLY JUST ONE MONSTER
THAT’S NOT THAT MANY MONSTERS
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT
TO EVEN IT OUT
HOW ABOUT I DO IT NAKED
USING ONLY MY FISTS
I’M BEOWULF MOTHERFUCKER
HOO HAH

and Hrothgar is like well alright
but you know
you are not the first person to have this idea
shit has been going on for TWELVE YEARS
I cannot emphasize this enough
and beowulf is like BITCH DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
I CAN PUNCH A HORSE SO HARD IT TURNS TO GOLD
AND WHEN I COUGH
KILLER BEES SHOOT OUT OF MY MOUTH
I’M BEOWULF
DO I NEED TO SPELL IT FOR YOU
I HOPE NOT
BECAUSE I NEVER LEARNED TO READ

and Hrothgar is like
well shit
let’s party

so these guys party
they party HARD
and in the middle of this hard hard party
some dipshit named Unferth is like hey beowulf
I heard you lost a swimming contest against this dude Breca
looks like your ass is not as bad as you would have us believe
and Beowulf
well Beowulf is so fucking pissed off about this
he stops talking in allcaps for a little while

he is like look asshole
first of all
at that point in the competition
we had each been swimming for FIVE DAYS
that is five as in high five
and days as in who the fuck do you know who can swim for five days straight
and i was about to win too
except at that very moment
I got attacked by a fucking SEA SERPENT
so i killed it
OBVIOUSLY
and then i was like shit
well i’m already underwater here
might as well murder eight more seamonsters
and by the time i was done with that the race was pretty much over
so I just passed out and washed ashore somewhere in finland
that is what happened
so you can just go ahead
and spend the next fifteen years of your life
inserting incrementally larger wooden cocks into your mouth
in order to prepare you for the incredible honor
of choking to death on the solid gold tree trunk
that is tasked with holding up my NINE ENORMOUS TESTICLES
so Unferth shuts up after that

then the party kind of starts to wind down
so beowulf just goes ahead and strips naked
in the hopes of making this task as needlessly difficult as possible
which actually he fails to do
because it turns out no weapon on earth can harm grendel anyway
so naked fisticuffs are optimal
(naked fisticuffs are always optimal)

anyway Grendel shows up
makes a big show of ripping the doors off
which actually begs the question
do they replace the doors every day?
or does Grendel replace the doors every day
just so he will have something to rip off at night?
either way he immediately eats one of Beowulf’s men
while Beowulf stands there like HMM I SEE
INTERESTING

but finally Grendel gets around to actually attacking beowulf
except when he reaches down to grab him
beowulf just grabs his arm instead
with a vicegrip honed by DECADES OF FURIOUS MASTURBATION
and it is at this point that Grendel realizes he is in way over his head

so Grendel immediately starts trying to get the fuck out of there
and Beowulf responds by climbing on top of him
steering him into every breakable object in the room
and then tearing off his arm with his bare hands
this is what we call a decisive victory

but of course after that
since Beowulf was basically just holding onto Grendel by his arm
Grendel gets away
and Beowulf is left to bitch about not murdering him outright
while basically getting fellated by the entire Danish party crew
but only figuratively
because actually what everyone is doing
is riding around on horses and yelling a lot
this is what you do when you are excited in ancient Denmark
we have not come very far since ancient times

so that’s part one of three
hold on to your arms
because part two promises to RIP THEM OFF AND FEED THEM TO YOU

NOT THE END AT ALL

The Mabinogion is a cavalcade of consonants

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I want to take this time to say
To my good friend Andrew “D is for douchebag” Gable
That I am very grateful to him
For recommending this myth
(the last 3 myths were all recommendations
you guys are on a roll)
but dear god this myth is a clusterfuck
and I hate you so much
your name will rot in hell for eternity

SO THE MYTH
Alright so there’s this king right
His name is an unpronounceable string of consonants
Just like every other welsh name
I’m not even going to bother looking his up though
And painfully transcribing it here
Because he’s not that important
And neither is his wife Goleuddydd
But I needed to give you an example
of the kind of shit I am dealing with
anyway basically what happens is they have a kid
Kilhwch
Who actually is pretty important
Even though the consonant to vowel ratio in his name
Is SIX TO ONE
Ok but then Goleuddydd dies
and she is like hey husband I know you’re gonna marry some other chick
but at least wait until brambles start growing on my grave first ok
also no cheating
you can’t just plant brambles there or fail to take care of the grave
they have to be for serious brambles
and the king is like OH YEAH TOTALLY
OOPS DID YOU DIE JUST NOW?
HMM LOOKS LIKE BRAMBLES ARE GROWING ON YOUR GRAVE
WIFETIME!

(actually to be fair he does wait 7 years
but he specifically doesn’t have anyone tend to the grave
and he like rides by the graveyard every day
to check if any brambles are growing yet)

So he’s like hm who should I marry
Oh this other king has a wife I like
How bout I take her
So he goes and murders the king and sacks his kingdom
And takes his wife
And his wife’s daughter
And then he is like hey new wife this is my son Kilhwch
And his wife is like oh good
Hey little boy wanna marry my daughter
And Kilhwch is like I’M LIKE TWELVE GODDAMN YEARS OLD WOMAN
GIMME A MINUTE TO LET MY BALLS DROP
And the chick is like fine asshole
I hereby declare
That you are only allowed to marry this chick Olwyn
Daughter of professional huge asshole Yspadadden Penkawr
And Kilhwch is like SWEET I LOVE OBSTACLES
Oh shit wait how am I going to pull this shit off

But luckily
Kilhwch’s cousin
Is KING MOTHERFUCKING ARTHUR
FOR WHOM NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE
And right now
The dude is doling out favors like a mortally wounded piñata
All you gotta do is show up
And ask him to cut your hair
And BOOM
INSTANT BOON

So Kilhwch shows up at arthur’s place
And the porter is like no you can’t come in
And Kilhwch is like if you don’t let me in I’ll scream so loud
Your wife will have an abortion
And the porter is like lemme go talk to my boss
Hey boss
I just saw THE MOST HONORABLE MAN POSSIBLE OUTSIDE
And Arthur is like HOLY SHIT THAT IS HIGH PRAISE
GET THAT MOTHERFUCKER IN HERE
And kilhwch rides in on his horse like sup
I have all this hair and I need it cut
Can we make this happen
And Arthur is like YESSSSSSSSS

So while Arthur is making Kilhwch look all pretty and shit
He is like ok so while I’m cutting your hair
Are there any boons I can get you
And Kilhwch is like yeah as a matter of fact
I’m tryna marry this chick Olwyn
But I can’t find her and am too lazy to try
So how about you get her for me
I also need that exact same boon
From all of your men
Except in the original text
He does not say it like that
He specifically names
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF ARTHURS’ MEN
COMPLETE WITH GENEOLOGY
AND FUN FACTS
Some of the facts are actually pretty fun
Like did you know
That no one struck Morvan son of Tegid in battle
Because he was so butt ugly everyone thought he was a demon?
Seriously there are all kinds of motherfuckers in this court
Like the chief leaper of Ireland
And a dude whose specialty is ruining barns
And a guy who is dead already and I don’t know why he’s on the list
BUT WHAT THEY ALL HAVE IN COMMON
ARE SHITTY UNPRONOUNCABLE NAMES

Here is a brief workshop on welsh naming conventions:

Step one: pick exactly one vowel
Step two: pick seven or eight consonants worth at least 4 points each in scrabble
Step three: Add a w
You know what
Fuck it
Add twelve of those little fuckers
Step four: wonder where you went wrong in your life

Seriously
Like this list goes on for PAGES and PAGES
An incomprehensible alphabet soup of pain and regret
But anyway back to the story

So Arthur is like hm
Never heard of Olwyn
But hold on let me spend a year sending messengers everywhere
And then he sends messengers everywhere
And a year later NONE OF THEM HAVE FOUND OLWYN
So Kilhwch is getting pretty pissed
He is like I did not come here and demand favors from you
Just to have you not grant me those favors
And Arthur is like whoa whoa chill out
I’ll send some of my best dudes out with you
And you can find this chick and we’ll be cool
Here
Take Kai
He doesn’t need to sleep and he can breathe underwater
Also he is waterproof
And has all the powers of apache chief from the justice league
Also you can have Bedwyr
He only has one hand but he’s a plucky underdog with something to prove
Also here’s a dude who speaks every language
And some other dudes who will pretty much never be mentioned again
Also Menw
Resident illusionist and deus ex machina

So the merry band sets out to go fuck up some shit
And they find a castle
And in front of the castle is a sheperd with a big dog
He’s a huge asshole and they happen to know this
But it’s okay because Menw enchants the dog so it won’t attack them
And then they walk up to him like hey sup
Whose castle is this
And he is like it is the castle of Yspadadden Penkawr
Can’t you tell
Then for some reason he invites them over to his house

So they all go sleep in his house
And they meet his wife
And Kilhwch is like hey do you know Olwyn
I’m tryna get up on that
Can you summon her over here for me
And the wife is like sure
Hey Olwyn
And olwyn is like what
And Kilhwch is like marry me
And Olwyn is like I’d love to
Except it’s kind of my dad’s decision
And if I ever get married he’ll die
So he tends to make it kind of hard on my suitors
But as long as you go do whatever he asks you to do
We can start bangin’ straightaway

So the next day Kilhwch and crew go see Yspadadden
Like hey daughter please
And Yspadadden is like sure no problem
Lemme just throw this poison spike at you first
And Bedwyr catches it and throws it at Yspadadden’s knee
And Yspadadden is like damn that hurt you are so fucking rude
So then they come back the next day
And basically the same thing happens
Except Menw catches the dart
And throws it through Yspadadden’s chest
And Yspadadden is like dammit ow you rude bastard
And then this happens AGAIN THE NEXT DAY
Except Kilhwch catches it
And throws it through Yspadadden’s EYE
And yspadadden is like JESUS THAT HURTS
YOU WOULD MAKE A TERRIBLE SON IN LAW
BUT I AM OUT OF DARTS NOW
SO WHAT DO YOU WANT
And Kilhwch is like I said daughter plz
And Yspadadden is like o sure no problem
Just do me a favor first
All you gotta do
Is plow that field over there
And have it sprout
By the end of today

Now guys
Are you thinking what I’m thinking at this point?
That this sounds suspiciously like the story
Of Jason and the Argonauts?
Well fear not
Because when Kilhwch is like psh no problem
Yspadadden proceeds to add
THIRTY NINE COMPLICATIONS
Or roughly that many
I kind of lost track when I got mired in this THICK LAKE OF BULLSHIT
You know what I think happened?
I think whoever wrote this
Just had a WHOLE BUNCH OF REALLY GREAT STORY IDEAS
But NOT A LOT OF TIME
And so he was like lemme use some of my trademark welsh efficiency
And even more of my trademark welsh CRAZY
And just ramrod these storychunks together into a reconstituted legend patty
Then forcefeed it to the poor bastards tasked with reading this shit
So I’m going to spare you what I had to go through
And basically just break this shit down for you
Because if I told you all the tomfoolery Kilhwch is expected to accomplish
You would not remember it
And you would hate me as much as I hate the guy who requested this myth

So here’s basically what Kilhwch has to do:
CREATE THE ULTIMATE PARTY FOR HIS OWN WEDDING NIGHT
Like he’s got to get a bunch of flax
And kill an evil boar
And get some drink horns
And like a magic comb and scissors for Yspadadden to shave himself with
And all of the dudes necessary to hunt these things
Or just preside over the bullshit
For example the king of france is apparently vital to this operation
Even though his only job is to watch everyone hunt this fucking boar
And after every single ludicrous task Yspadadden mentions
Kilhwch is just like sure
No problem
I got this

But see Kilhwch has a secret
Which is that he has no intention of actually accomplishing this shit himself
He just rolls on over to Arthur’s pad
Like hey dude
Do these things for me
And Arthur is like sure buddy no problem
And he raises the massive army necessary to do these things
And they go gallivanting away on this dumbshit adventure

So the first thing they gotta do is get this sword belonging to this giant
So Kai is like hey giant lemme polish your sword
And the giant is like sure my sword needs polishing
And kai is like whoops I accidentally stabbed you to death
And now I have your sword

Then they gotta find this dude Mabon son of Modron
So they do the only sensible thing
And go ask a bird
Who leads them to a stag
Who leads them to an eagle
Who leads them to a giant salmon
who happens to know where Mabon is
So I guess if you are looking for someone
Just ask pigeons about it and you are guaranteed success

Then they are supposed to find some wolf cubs that used to be people
But when they surround them with their armies
God turns them back into people
So problem solved I guess

Then one dude saves some ants from a fire
And they reward him with a ton of flax
Which was another thing they needed apparently

Oh also they need to make a rope out of this dude’s beard
So they get him drunk
And put him in a hole
And then shave off his beard
And make a rope
And then cut off his face
At which point kai gets sick of this bullshit and quits
BUT THE QUESTS KEEP COMIN’

So then there is just another ream of unpronounceable welsh names
Only these are mainly names of people who get killed during this quest
Also they steal a cauldron from some irish dude
And then it is time for the big kahuna
Twrch Trwyth
Yeah that’s right
NO VOWELS AT ALL
FUCK YOU READERS
IF YOU COUNT Y AS A VOWEL YOU’RE A BAD PERSON
Anyway Twrch is a boar
He is a boar who for some reason carries hair care supplies between his ears
MAGICAL hair care supplies
And he has a bunch of evil pigs that follow him around
And in fact he used to be a king
But he got turned into a boar cause he was a pretty bad dude

So enough backstory
Basically Arthur chases him down with all his dudes for like several years
And there are pages and pages of names of different dudes who got killed
And then Mabon finally shows up
Riding the steed Kilhwch was supposed to get him
Wielding the sword Kilhwch was supposed to get him
All so that Mabon could kill the boar
And then Mabon kills the boar
And they get the scissors from his scalp
And bring them to Yspadadden
Who is like aw god dammit
And shaves his face
And then Kilhwch is like damn right
And murders him
And then marries his daughter
And has the sweetest party ever
And they live happily ever after

So the moral of this story
Is you do not need courage
Or strength
Or cleverness
To accomplish your goals
You need to be related to king Arthur
Because in the end
The real hero
Is nepotism

THE END.

Holi is literally a murder festival

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This one courtesy of a drunk guy i know
who wasn’t me
but was certainly talking to me

so you remember Vishnu?
he was the guy shooting blood out of his face that one time
i’m sorry i gave him kind of a bad rap before
he’s actually pretty legit
here’s why

so there’s this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
apparently when they were handing out names
this guy was too poor to buy a real one
and just picked up all the discarded syllables off the floor
and made this clusterfuck of a hero sandwich out of letters
anyway this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
spends a whole bunch of time doing penance
for nothing at all
or maybe for all the really bad shit he is planning on doing in the future
either way he finishes all this penance
and he hits up Brahma (the tithungry ultragod)
and is like can I get a boon
and Brahma is like well since you did all this penance
and you didn’t even do anything wrong
you have atoned so hard that you get SUPERPOWERS
so sure what do you want
and this demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like ahem
i have rehearsed this
hold on

I want to not be killed
during the day or at night
in a house or outside a house
or on earth or in the sky
neither by man or by animal
he also says neither by astra nor shastra
but all i can find on the subject
suggests that a shastra is a code of laws or something
and i don’t even know what an astra is
so maybe he is worried about some kind of papercut?

so brahma is like sure dude
i mean
you realize
you could have just said “I want to never be killed”
that would have been a lot simpler
and probably a lot more foolproof
seriously dude this is some macbeth shit
you are just begging for someone to kill you on a technicality
and the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like i don’t even give a fuck I am declaring WAR ON YOU RIGHT NOW
SEEING AS I CANNOT BE KILLED EVER AT ALL
MY PLAN IS SO FOOLPROOF
FOOLS ARE JUST SLIDING OFF OF MY PLAN LIKE GREASED BUTTER OFF A DUCK
A DUCK THAT DEFLECTS BUTTER INSTEAD OF WATER
GREASED BUTTER
ANYWAY WARTIME

so then he goes around
terrorizing the shit out of 100% of everyone
and he is like guess what guys
i am hereby changing the name of every town
to murdertown
until all yall agree to stop worshipping gods
and start worshipping me
the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
and everyone is like what
how can we we worship you
we don’t even fully understand what your name is
and the demon
HIRANYAKASHIPU
is like oh look i just ate your chest and everyone is like ALL HAIL…
THIS GUY

but there is one dude who will not worship this cockblister
and it just happens to be HIS VERY OWN SON
PRAHLADA
see Prahlada is just all about lord Vishnu
(see i told you this story was going to be about Vishnu
you need to learn to trust me my friends)
and no matter how much murder his dad does,
Prahlada just does NOT
STOP
BELIEVING

so naturally this pisses mister HIRANYAKASHIPU off
and he is like son
there comes a time in every man’s life
where his father puts poison in his mouth
and then tramples him with elephants in a room full of hungry snakes
that time is now
good luck
and then six hours later he is like FUCKING DAMMIT HOW ARE YOU ALIVE
I mean hey son what’s up
i need you to go sit in this fire i am building for you
it is a very special birthday gift from me to you
and Prahlada is like it’s not my birthday
and Hiranyakashipu is like LOOKS LIKE CHRISTMAS CAME EARLY THIS YEAR
GET IN THE FUCKING FIRE
look your evil aunt Holika is already in there
not burning up or anything
it’s totally fine

of course what he neglects to mention
is that Holika is IMMUNE TO FIRE
as a result of another one of Brahma’s retarded boons
seriously this dude is just handing out boons
like oh thank you for the delivery pizza
geeze i don’t have any cash
do you accept boons
anyway Prahlada is like WHATEVER DAD
I’LL GET IN THE FIRE IF THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY
and he gets in that fire

so he’s sitting there in this fire with his evil asbestos aunt
and he is like hey vishnu
can you make me not catch on fire
and vishnu is like done
also as an added bonus
Holika is on fire now
I guess I gave you her fire resistance or something
whoops
hold on I’ll be there in a second don’t move

so then Vishnu shows up
only he’s not Vishnu
he is a dude with a LION HEAD
also claws
he is basically the minotaur
but with LIONS
holy shit
and he is like hey Hiranyakawhatever
I heard there was a potluck
so i brought some murder
but i didn’t make enough for everybody
just you basically

so then basically what he does
is he takes hiranyakashaka
and he forces him to sit in his lap
like some kind of hindu murdersanta
and vishnu’s lap
as you might have guessed
is neither heaven nor earth
and he is sitting on the front porch of the demon’s house
which is neither inside nor outside technically
also since he is a weird lion dude
he is neither man nor animal
and no one knows what ashtra or shastra is so that’s moot
also it is twilight
so there’s that

anyway then Hiranyakaboo is dead
and everybody celebrates by throwing paint at each other
this actually still happens in india

so the moral of the story
is next time you get a genie or a retarded boon
just wish for immortality
because you just cannot prepare
for crafty lion-dudes

The end.

Samson is Metal

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okay so there is this guy samson right

holy
fucking
shit

ok so first of all
there is this group of dudes called the philistines
who god for some reason is not fond of
so god is like i need a dude to murder all these philistenes
i know
I WILL MAKE SAMSON
so he sends this angel down
to this dude Manoah and his wife
all like HEY HEY HEY
YOUR WIFE IS STERILE
BUT USING GODMAGIC
YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE A KID
IT IS GOING TO BE GREAT
HE IS GOING TO KILL SO MANY GODDAMN PHILISTINES
and Manoah is like sweet where do i sign
and the angel is like
YOU DONT GOTTA SIGN SHIT
JUST NEVER CUT THAT KID’S HAIR EVER
AND HE CAN’T DRINK BOOZE
ALSO YOUR WIFE CAN’T DRINK BOOZE WHILE SHE IS PREGNANT
and manoah is like what are you the surgeon fucking general
and the angel is like NO
I AM AN ANGEL OF THE MOTHERFUCKING LORD
CHECK OUT ALL THIS HOLY FIRE
and manoah is like DAMN
lemme make sacrifice some meat real quick
seeing as i have been trying to impregnate this bitch
for like 4 million years
and the angel is like THANKS FOR THE SACRIFICE
GONNA DEVOUR IT WITH MORE HOLY FIRE
PEACE
and he leaves manoah to kind of sit there
like what
and actually he gets pretty fucking freaked out
like shit shit shit that dude just set my meat on fire
what if he sets me on fire
and his wife is like shut up asshole
why would god send an angel
to tell us an elaborate lie
just so he could set us on fire ten minutes later
also i think i am pregnant
anyway later samson is born

so samson grows up
and his hair gets super long and shit
and pretty soon
he decides he wants to go see the cities of the philistines
and his parents are like sure whatever
so he goes out
and he falls in love with some philistine chick
i dont really remember her name actually
it’s not important she dies anyway

so regardless
on his way to woo this bitch
samson gets attacked by a LION
all like ROARRRRRRRR
as a sidenote that is totally not how lions sound
but i can’t accurately transliterate the sound
that lions actually make
so ROARRRR IT IS
anyway samson sees this lion attacking him
and just casually rips it in half
and leaves it there
and decides not to tell anyone about it
because honestly
it isn’t a very good story
other than the killed a lion part
i mean there was no struggle or anything
it’s just kind of like
oh
a lion
RIIIIIP

so samson shows up to philistinetown
like hey
woman
marry me
and the woman is like ok
so then samson walks to the marriage
and on the way
he passes that dead lion again
and apparently bees have decided
that this dead lion
is the perfect place for a beehive
so there is all kinds of honey in there
and samson
being a fucking longhaired dumbass
decides to reach on in there
and get a big fistful of honey
and eat that shit
and nothing bad happens to him
and then he pushes his luck by grabbing more
and bringing it to his parents for some reason
like hey mom
hey dad
here is some beejizz i found in a dead lion
enjoy
maybe you can put it on toast

so then he goes to the wedding
and this is where the shit
starts to get fed
unceasingly
into the fan
because samson decides that it would be a good idea
to tell a high-stakes riddle
to all of the philistine groomsmen at the wedding
and the riddle he makes up
is about the lion he killed
which only he knows about
so they all get super frustrated trying to figure it out
and then
being the monumental assgremlins they are
they run up to samson’s wife
like HEY HEY HEY TELL US THE ANSWER TO THE RIDDLE
OR WE WILL SET YOU ON FIRE
and she sucks samson’s dick until he tells her or whatever
and then she tells them
and then they tell samson
and then samson tells them to go fuck themselves
because they cheated
then he kills all of them

then he’s still pissed off
so he runs crying to his dad
meanwhile his bride gets married to his best man
then samson comes back
only the chick’s dad won’t let him see her
and wants him to marry her sister instead
so samson does the sensible thing
and sets 300 foxes on fire
so they run around like adderall addicted toddlers
torching all the fields
and this kind of upsets the philistines
who respond in the only sensible way
which is to set samson’s ex-wife on fire

so then samson runs away for a bit
and hides in this cave
and the philistines show up
and they find these 3000 men of judah
who i guess live right in front of the cave
and they are like GIVE US SAMSON
and samson is like it’s fine dudes
just do it
and the men of judah are like sure ok
so they tie him up
and give him to the philistines
and then samson breaks free and murders EVERYONE
except the men of judah probably
i don’t think he has any beef with them
oh yeah
also
he does all this murdering
WITH THE JAWBONE OF A DONKEY
i am not sure where he gets that though
maybe he just rips off a donkey’s face
and then kills everyone with it
seriously this is a fucking massacre
he kills like 1000 guys

so then some other stuff happens
like he crashes at a whore’s place for a bit
and some dudes are hiding behind a gate to ambush him
so he picks up the gate
and puts it somewhere else
and the dudes are like well shit
guess we can’t ambush him anymore
then samson becomes king for 20 years

but all is not well
because it is about this time
that samson starts making BAD DECISIONS
like he falls in love with this chick Delilah
who is the ultimate in skank technology
in fact no sooner do samson and delilah get married
then all the philistines show up
like hey delilah
20 bucks if you find out samson’s weakness
and she is like ok sure
hey samson
what is your weakness
but samson isn’t stupid
so he makes up some bullshit about being bound with bowstrings
and she does it
and he wakes up
and breaks them

OKAY
STOP RIGHT THERE
let’s say you have a girlfriend, right?
she asks if you have any food allergies
you say yes
you are deadly allergic to pineapple
and you wake up the next morning
to find her injecting a pineapple smoothie
into your forearm
what do you do?
do you continue to live with this person?
do you proceed to confide in her?
are you a fucking IDIOT?

well apparently samson is
because he wipes his ass with this massive red flag
and just keeps lying to his wife
telling her different things that are not actually his weakness
and she keeps trying them
so really
everyone is a fucking retard in this situation
until samson one-ups everyone
by telling delilah his actual weakness
which is cutting off his hair
so
predictably
she cuts off his hair
which breaks that whole commitment to god thing
that his parents did
so he loses his strength
and the philistines come fuck him over
stab out both his eyes
and make him a slave
awesome

MANY
YEARS
PASS

and samson has been working for the philistines
for quite a while
one day they are going to do a sacrifice to some bullshit god
thanking him for delivering samson to them
and they are like hey samson
you are cordially invited to this jackassery
so he shows up
and is like man guys i am so tired and blind
can i please lean against these structural supports right here
and they are like sure whatever

but here’s the thing
delilah may have been a retard
and samson may have been a double-retard
but the philistines are triple 360 kickflip retards to the moon
because in all this time
they have totally forgotten to cut samson’s hair
so he prays to god
like hey give me my strength back real quick
and god is like sure i guess your hair is long enough
so samson flexes his biceps
and basically just collapses the entire temple
killing himself
and all the philistines inside

the moral of the story is pretty simple guys
never cut your hair
also never let anyone else cut your hair
also never tell your treacherous wife
that cutting your hair will render you worthless
in fact
your best bet
is to just wear a helmet at all times
a helmet with a padlock on it
that you don’t have a key to
just in case

the end.

Happy birthday god dammit

Posted on by
7

okay so this is the closest update day to your birthday
you
you know who you are
i am not going out of my way to make your birthday special
because i am a mean old bastard
and anyway i am in a bad mood today
because someone bet me i couldn’t go the whole time i’m in chicago
without using allcaps
so this blog is going to suffer heavily
only thing that could have been worse
is if they tried to get me to stop saying fuck

pee ess
now would be a good time to give me that other ten dollars
because i am in a city right now
with places to stay
and unlimited free internet
so i can actually upload videos this week
also i just spent like seven dollars on this cup of pink soup
and i have no idea what makes soup pink
i could die guys
i dont think i have health insurance

anyway here’s a myth about Cuchulainn again

so cuchulainn is still like 12 fucking years old
but apparently this goddess morrigan
who is the goddess of like
blood and awful shit
and tearing motherfuckers up
has heard of his deeds already
and is getting her ladyparts all slippery over them
so one day
cuchulainn is sleeping
when he hears this terrible awful noise
coming from the north
and he is like shit boys
saddle up my chariot
lets go see what that is

so he rides north for a bit
and he runs into this hot chick
with red hair
and a red cloak
and even red eyebrows
which saves cuchulainn having to ask
if the carpet matches the drapes
if you know what i mean
and i think you do

so cuchulainn is like who the hell are you
and she is like i am a chick
who is pretty hot
and who has heard of your deeds
i am here for your loving
and cuchulainn is like i am too busy murdering
go away
and this chick is like you know dude
i have been helping you win all those battles
and i will continue to help you
in exchange
for your young boy-loving
and if you turn me down
we will be enemies forever
and i will come and hinder you when you meet an opponent
who is a match for you

but cuchulainn is apparently a fucking idiot
and he is like bitch did you hear me
no means no
and he goes to smack her upside the head
but suddenly she is nowhere to be seen
and there is a raven sitting on a branch
looking at him like boy you done fucked up now
and suddenly he realizes he was talking to the goddess morrigan
and he is like shit
i done fucked up now

so anyway then he goes adventuring again
kills a ton of dudes
gets a ton of laid
and the very next day
he gets to this river
and he meets this dude Loch
and of course he is like come on dude
i am about to serve you up a hot heaping plate
of you getting killed by me right now
and lock is like psh yeah right
i won’t fight you
you don’t even have a beard
i only fight dudes with beards

so cuchulainn squats down by the roadside
and picks a bunch of berries
and crushes them up
and rubs them all over his face
to make it look like he has a wicked purple five o’clock shadow
and then he takes some grass
and sticks it to the berry juice
so he sets himself up
with the jankiest beard ever
(still better than my beard though now that i think of it)
and then he is like will you fight me now
and loch is like damn kid
how did you grow a beard so fast

so they start fighting
and true to her word
morrigan shows up to fuck with Cuhculainn’s shit
first she shows up as a big old red cow
and tries to knock him over
but cuchulainn just reaches over and breaks that cow’s leg
then she turns into an eel
and tries to trip him
but this is a stupid plan
because it puts her well within stomping range
so with a broken spine and a broken leg
morrigan becomes a wolf
and tries to maul the shit out of cuchulainn’s swording arm
but he is like fuck that
and pokes out her eye
then turns around
and murders Lock with his magic spear
the one with the thirty barbs
you know
the gae bolga
man that is such a funny goddamn name

anyway once he is finished like pissing on loch’s corpse
or ripping off his face
or skullfucking his kneecaps or something
cuchulainn continues across the river
and finds this old chick
milking a cow
and he’s like fuck i’m thirsty
can you give me a drink of that milk
and she is like sure
and she squirts some into his mouth
and he is like more
and she squirts some more
and then he is like more again
and she squirts more into his mouth and he is like ok
my thirst is quenched
that is enough cowpiss thank you
how can i ever repay you
and the woman turns to him
with a broken arm
and a broken spine
and a broken eye
and is like fix me the fuck up asshole
so then he heals her
for some reason
even though she has done nothing
other than try to coerce him into having sex with her
and then when that failed
try to make him die face down in a river
but anyway then he’s like are we even
and she’s like sure
and leaves

but then a few years later
on the way to some battle
cuchulainn sees these three old women
who are all morrigan
and they are like come eat this roast dog
which you are never supposed to eat
or you are prophecized to die
and cuchulainn is like are you sure guys
that sounds like a horrible idea
and they are like come onnn
and he is like ok
and eats it
and then goes ahead and gets killed in battle

but as soon as he realizes his is gonna die
he is like fuck this shit
i am going to die standing up
how is this possible
oh i know
i will tie myself to a rock with my own intestines
so he does that thing
and he dies
and no one is even sure he is dead
until morrigan turns into a raven and lands on his shoulder
and then everyone is like dear god finally

so the moral of the story
is if you find your mortal enemy on the side of the road
suffering from grevious wounds you inflicted
do not
i repeat
do not heal her
no matter how much free milk she offers you

the end.

There is no dude badder than Cuchulainn

Posted on by
8

alright so

this chick asked me to do a celtic myth for her birthday
and i was drunk when i was reading her comment
and i thought her birthday was today
so i did a bunch of research
and then i realized she was born on the 6th
who the fuck is born on the 6th
that’s some bullshit
anyway now i have all this research
and nothing to do with it
so get ready for A SOLID WEEK OF CELTIC MYTHS

so okay Cuchulainn right
actually no wait i’m getting ahead of myself
when he was born he was called Setanta
he was popped out by some queen
who drank a fly that fell in her booze
only it wasn’t a fly it was this god Lugh the long-handed
if you know what i mean
(i dont fucking know what i mean)
and he was like CONGRATULATIONS ON SWALLOWING ME
YOU ARE NOW SWANS
and then later she got pregnant and had this kid setanta
ok
backstory complete

OH WAIT
NOT YET
I HAVE TO EXPLAIN HOW HE GOT THE NAME CUCHULAINN
EVEN THOUGH IT IS WAY HARDER TO SPELL AND SAY
so basically by the time setanta is about 4 years old
he is a ridiculous sex machine
and he is adventuring through the woods with some dudes
and he stays behind for some sex or loot or something
and the guys go ahead to some castle
and start partying
and they forget about him
and release their unstoppable dog to guard the castle
but then setanta shows up
and the dog is like HEY HEY HEY
and setanta stabs it to death in the face
and the king gets sad cause his dog is dead
but setanta says he’ll make him a new one
and the king is like AWESOME YOUR NAME IS CUCHULAINN NOW
IT MEANS MURDERHOUND OR SOMETHING

OKAY

NOW I CAN TELL YOU THIS STORY

so by now cuchulainn is what
8 years old
and he is fucking ALL of the bitches
every last one
and all his countrymen are like god dammit man
we need some of the bitches as well
this is not a one man show we got going on
you need to get married
and Cuchulainn is like fine
but ima get married to the hottest bitch of all
THIS CHICK EMER
DAUGHTER OF FORGAL THE WILY
WHO HAS LITERALLY THE BEST NAME

and so he goes to this chick
and he is like hey honey what’s up
i wanna rest my sword between your tits
if you know what i mean
and emer is like i know what you mean
and i can also see
that you are 8 fucking years old
what are you trying to get me thrown in jail
and cuchulainn is like look at my pecs
and emer is like those are some pretty nice pecs
but you don’t even have a beard dude
how am i supposed to love a guy who doesnt have a beard
oh i know
how about if you become a supergreat warrior
and murder several hundred guys
i will totally bone you
and cuchulainn is like sounds like a deal
and as a cherry on top
how about i don’t bone any hot bitches until i get back
and emer is like DEAL

i really dont know why cuchulainn made that last promise
because he is physically incapable
of keeping it in his pants
it is like his penis is some kind of unruly seamonster
or moray eel
telescoping out of its holster
and harpooning ladies left and right
for example this warrior queen Aoife
who he defeats
and then harpoons with his sea monster
and then takes her magic barbed harpoon
which is made
from the bones
OF A SEAMONSTER
see how this shit comes back together?

anyway then he goes and gets warrior training somewhere
montage montage montage OKAY
NOW HE’S BACK AT THE CASTLE WHERE EMER LIVES
but Forgath the wily is like NAH FUCK YOU
so cuchulainn SALMON-LEAPS OVER THE WALLS
MURDERS EVERYONE IN THE CITY
and then is like hey baby whats up
and he steals Emer
and then roams around the country side
killing the requisite number of dudes
to get emer to sleep with him
and then she does
and it’s awesome
and after that
they settle down
to celebrate Cuchulainns 12th birthday

this teaches us a valuable lesson
which is that statutory rape is okay
as long as you are statutorily raping a mass murderer

the end.

Shiva drinks gallons of PCP

Posted on by
3

okay so guys
remember a couple days ago
when i said shiva seemed like a huge pussy?

guys
i retract the FUCK out of that statement

right now
i am sitting in my room
retracting my statement so hard
i am not going to shit for WEEKS

ANYWAY

the reason i am retracting my statement
is this story that happened one time

ok so there is this dude Brahma right
he is the creator of everything
so one day
he takes his mind
and makes a hot chick come out of it
this hot chick
is his daughter

but as soon as he pops out this brainbaby
brahma is like OH DAMN
I WANT TO DO THINGS TO THAT
THAT HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN INVENTED YET
GOOD THING I AM THE CREATOR
AND CAN INVENT THOSE THINGS RIGHT AWAY
and then he goes ahead and gives himself
THREE EXTRA HEADS
so he can check out his daughter from all angles
everywhere
forever
thus causing the world to get divided
into four directions
because the creator suddenly desires something
that is outside himself

okay so Brahma’s daughter gets wind
of all this exquisite voyeurism going down
and she gets pretty embarassed
and since she can’t stop being hot
she decides to stop being on earth instead
and she goes up to heaven

now brahma is like FUCK
I WANT TO CONTINUE TO LOOK AT TITS
BUT MY HEADS ONLY LOOK DOWN
LOOKS LIKE I NEED ANOTHER HEAD
see this is the thing about being the creator
you do not consider options such as
moving your neck
or
in extreme cases
physical therapy
maybe a neck massage
limber up those muscles
NO
you grow an extra fucking head
looking straight up
and then you send it shooting towards heaven
all like NOM NOM NOM TITSTIME

so at this point
brahma’s daugher is up in heaven
like fuck what am i going to do
about this encroaching molester head
and this is when Shiva steps up to the plate
like FUCK THIS SHIT
and chops off Brahma’s head
WITH HIS FUCKING THUMBNAIL
BAM

but instead of a hearty thank you
and maybe some victory poontang
shiva gets brahma’s gross skull stuck to his hand
and he is like AW FUCK
THIS IS MY JERKIN’ IT HAND
and he transforms into Bhairava
aka THE SHIVA OF ULTIMATE RAGE
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK AM I GOING TO DO
I AM GOING TO WRECK SOME SHIT IS WHAT I AM GOING TO DO
and brahma is like oh no you are not son
you are going to get banished the fuck on out of here
is what you are going to do
and then you are going to roam around the land
as a mad beggar
until you get arbitrarily forgiven

so this is exactly what shiva does
until one day
he stumbles upon a group of sages
all sitting around praying the fuck out of themselves
and shiva rolls up
LIKE HEY HEY OOGA BOOGA CRAZY HOMELESS GUY HERE WHATS UP
and the sages are like what the fuck is this shit
and the sages’ wives are like OH MAN I WANNA TAP THAT
and they all go dance the crazy wango bango tango with Shiva
and the sages are like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
and they send a tiger after shiva
and shiva responds
by TAKING OFF THE TIGER’S FUCKING SKIN
and wearing it as a skirt
and then the sages are like DOUBLEFUCK
and they send a poisonous snake after shiva
and shiva picks up the snake
and wears it as a fucking necklace
and the sages are like 3X FUCK COMBO
and they send an evil dwarf after shiva
that’s right
they have fuckable gold in india too guys
anyway shiva just sort of kicks the dwarf over
stands on his face
and takes his club

then he turns around like COME ON ALL YOU HOT BITCHES
FOLLOW ME INTO THE FOREST
so they do
and then shiva (aka bhairava remember)
goes to vishnu’s place
like hey vishnu lemme in
and vishnu’s bouncer is like who the fuck are you
and bhairava is like THE GUY WHO IS STABBING YOU TO DEATH WITH A TRIDENT BITCH
and then vishnu jumps out of the back room like OH SNAP
I WILL SHOOT BLOOD OUT OF MY FACE AT YOU UNTIL YOU GO AWAY
and bhairava fills brahma’s sticky skull with vishnu’s blood
like THANKS SUCKER
and then dances off into the forest
carrying the doorkeeper’s body and a fucking skull full of blood
he dances all the fuck over everywhere
until he gets to the holy city Varanasi
at which point he is pardoned for his crimes
and gets to go back to heaven

so i guess the moral of the story
is if you are ever indicted for murder
your best bet
is to do more murders
and then fill the skulls of your victims
with the blood from your other victims
and maybe stage an impromptu dance party
with some women you stole
and eventually people will realize you can’t be stopped
and you can go to heaven
seriously what the fuck is even happening in this myth

the end.

A B Stormalong drinks concentrated AMERICA JUICE

Posted on by
4

Thanks to Tucker for recommending this myth
SEE GUYS
recommend myths and you will get THANKED
all awash with gratitude
like a full-on bukakke party of gratefulness
i am sure you will enjoy it
i know tucker is enjoying it
by the way tucker is also the musclebound hero
who wrote one of those myths that got put up
while i was off in the desert
anyway!

A B STORMALONG
holy shit guys
no one knows who stormalong’s parents are
cause the first anyone hears of him
is when he washes ashore in New England
already TWELVE FEET TALL
AND LIKE FIVE YEARS OLD OR SOMETHING
THAT IS MORE THAN A FOOT A YEAR
ALSO
IF YOU TAKE HIS FIRST TWO INITIALS
AND PUT THEM TOGETHER
YOU GET AB
WHICH IS A MUSCLE
TELL ME THAT ISN’T MANLY

anyway by the time he is twelve
“sexy abs” stormalong is well over 30 feet tall
too large for new england
so he walks to boston
and he is like hey
hey
who wants me on their ship
my freakish gigantism will be a tremendous asset
and this ship is like us
we want you on our ship
come be our lookout because you are so tall

so he looks the fuck out for this ship
he is really good at it
one day he sees a pirate ship coming
and he is like SHIT GUYS
PIRATE SHIT ALL THE FUCK UP OVER THE STARBOARD BOW
RUN
I MEAN SAIL
so they try to outsail the pirate ship
but the pirate ship is WAY TOO FAST
so then stormalong is like WAIT
i’ve got an idea
how about we take all this molasses he have for some reason
and spread it all over the deck
so when the pirates climb aboard
they get stuck
and that is exactly what they do
and it works exactly like that
and they capture all the pirates in like
a minute
and then they make stormalong first mate
for wasting all their molasses

so now stormalong is the first mate
and that is pretty sweet for him
even though now the ship is down one awesome lookout
he gets shiploads of oysters and stuff
ferried directly from the ocean
into his mouth
except then one day
HERE COMES THE KRAKEN
you guys have all seen pirates of the Caribbean right
i dont need to explain what the kraken is do i
no of course not

so everyone on the ship is like FUCK WHAT DO WE DO
and first mate stormalong is like NO WORRIES
I GOT THIS
and jumps headfirst into the water
actually more like headFIST
because he immediately punches the kraken in the face
and then executes a ten-point WATER TACKLE
taking that shit underwater
he then proceeds to wrestle the kraken
for like four hours
and when he finally surfaces
and everyone is like hey hey what happened
he just frowns real big
and says
“I failed”
because he didn’t actually murder the kraken
it just ran away
OH BOO HOO
YOU SAVED THE SHIP
BUT YOU DIDN’T KILL ANYTHING IN THE PROCESS
WHY DONT YOU GO SIT IN YOUR QUARTERS FOR A WHILE
AND REFUSE ALL FOOD
AND MOPE

so that is exactly what stormalong does
he just sits in his quarters
refusing oysters
and barrels of coffee
and eventually he’s just like you know what guys
i think i’m just not cut out to be a sailor
I’m gonna go be a farmer

so he goes to michigan
and he farms some shit
and it’s great
until it snows
he hates snow so much

so then he moves to texas
where it fucking never snows
and he becomes a rancher
but then a tornado shows up
maybe the exact same one pecos bill was riding
because this is a pretty ornery fucking tornado
it destroys absolutely everything
and then stormalong finds another rancher
and is like WHAT DO WE DO
and the rancher is like WE JUST HOLD ON
AND CRY A LITTLE
so stormalong grabs a house
but then the house gets blown away
and so does stormalong
so what he does
is he sits on the house
and uses his TWENTY FOOT BANDANA as a sail
and drives his airboat
all the way to the gulf of mexico
and while he’s sitting there in the water
bobbing up and down on what used to be his house
he goes huh
i’m kind of really good at sailing
maybe i should go back to being a sailor

so he goes back to being a sailor
only this time
HE’S the captain
he gets a boat
that is so big
his crew needs a whole swarm of arabian horses
just to get from one end to the other
by the way i have NO IDEA how he affords all this shit
being large is like the most insane financial liability ever
but he does somehow
and this ship is really fucking huge
i did not finish telling you
how huge it is
for example it is SO HUGE
they have to stitch the sails together in the desert
cause there is no other flat space large enough
and it is SO HUGE
that the mast has to be hinged
just to avoid hitting the MOON
and it is SOOOOO HUUUUUGE
that one time
it gets stuck in the english channel
and they grease the hull with soap
and they use so much soap
that it makes the cliffs of dover shiny white forever

so anyway they are sailing this megaboat around
and one day
GUESS WHO SHOWS UP GUYS
THE KRAKEN
THE KRAKEN SHOWS UP
and everyone is like oh shit
are we going to have to watch A B Stormalong
start crying again
are we going to be the audience
for yet another gargantuan sissyfest
but NO
NO

Captain Stormalong grabs a big piece of rope
and using the techniques taught to him
by secret wizards in texas
he LASSOS THE FUCKING KRAKEN
and the Kraken is like NOOOOOOO
and starts swimming away
and Stormalong is like HELL YESS
and holds on
basically turning his boat
into the ultimate jetski
and the kraken
instead of ramming stormalong into the shore or something
just swims straight into a whirlpool
and Stormalong keeps holding on
and his crew is like HEY
HEY MAN
WE DON’T WANT TO DIE
JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE BUTTHURT ABOUT THIS GIANT SQUID BEAST
and stormalong is like FINE
and he lets go off the rope
and his ship goes flying out of the whirlpool somehow
and the kraken gets sucked in anyway
and dies

so obviously stormalong is SUPER STOKED about this
and he sails all the fuck over everywhere
spreading the good news and having adventures
and then one day
he’s around america somewhere
and he sees a ship with STEAM COMING OUT OF IT
and he is like FUCK
THAT SHIP IS ON FIRE
and he fills his hat with water
and POURS IT ON TOP OF ALL OF THE STEAM TO STOP THE FIRE
but guys
it is not a fire
well i mean it is
but it is a fire which is powering A STEAMBOAT
and the steamboat captain is like god dammit stormalong
look what you did to my newfangled steam machine
fuck you and the obsolete horse-covered boat you rode in on

and stormalong is like NO ONE TALKS ABOUT MY HORSEBOAT THAT WAY
and the other captain is like HOW ABOUT A RACE ACROSS THE ATLANTIC
and stormalong is like YOU’RE ON

so they do the race
and stormalong wins
by like half a boatlength
but seeing as his boat is like
a billion miles long
that is still pretty good
although actually
now that i think about it
he would have had to start out
pretty far ahead of the other guy
just because his boat is so long
so he might have just ended up tying the other guy
but anyway the important thing is
that the INTENSE FURY
WITH WHICH HE MANNED THE WHEEL
DURING THE RACE
caused stormalong to die after the race was over
just like how john henry died in that other story

so just to recap
A B Stormalong was born 12 feet tall in the ocean
he won at being a lookout
he won at killing krakens
then he won at boat racing
and then he died
so moral of the story?
be careful my friends
it is possible to die from too much winning

THE END

Tornadoes are Emo as Fuck

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SO PECOS BILL AGAIN

last time we saw him
he was a fucking coyote or some shit
at least he thought he was
but that is NO LONGER THE CASE
he is now a grown man
acutely aware of the fact
that he is not any kind of a coyote
but also acutely unaware
of certain basic facts of physics

like for example:

YOU CANNOT RIDE A TORNADO LIKE IT IS A HORSE
TORNADOES DIFFER FROM HORSES
IN MANY DISTINCT WAYS
SCIENCE HAS SHOWN THIS

anyway pecos bill is up in kansas for some reason
and he is like hey
you know what would be great to ride right now
A FUCKING TORNADO
so he hangs out in tornado country for a while
checkin’ out the tornadoes
he even lets a couple pass by unmolested
because they are simply not dangerous enough
and finally he sees this one tornado
tearing the shit out of EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE
turning the sky black and green and shit
and he is like alright
i was worried
that I wasn’t going to get to do anything DANGEROUSLY SUICIDAL today
now’s my chance

so pecos bill jumps on that tornado
pushes it to the ground like he is about to rape the shit out of it
and then does one better and climbs on it
and is like giddy the fuck up you son of a bitch
so the tornado
obviously
is like FUCKITY FUCK NO
it actually seriously starts cursing
like
pecos bill has pissed off this natural phenomenon so much
it has miraculously gained the power of speech
it has also gained the power to tear ass through all of America
tying rivers in knots and skullfucking forests
killing thousands of animals
destroying vast swaths of land
they get to texas
and pecos bill is still chilling out on this tornado
just occasionally digging his spurs into it
i don’t know what he found to dig his spurs into
but whatever it is it sure pisses the tornado off

so finally the tornado is like aww jesus fuck
no matter what i do
this asshole just keeps sitting on me
occasionally making cowboy or wolf noises at me
this is horrible
life is horrible
why me

so of course the tornado decides to commit suicide
it flies over to the grand canyon
and cries itself out of existence
raining so hard it fills up the fucking canyon
and as a result of this pathetic supernatural pity festival
pecos bill suddenly finds himself
with nothing to ride
and he flies through the air
and hits the ground so hard
it creates death valley
and then a bunch of cowboys are like
whoa that looks pretty sweet
let’s make that a sport
only let’s do it with horses instead of tornadoes
and they invented rodeo

so the moral of the story is
dismantle FEMA
Pecos Bill could have singlehandedly stopped Katrina
or maybe made it like
a thousand times worse
in fact probably that is the more likely scenario
seeing as pecos’ little dickscapade
effectively devastated like 50% of america
so the real moral of the story is
stay the fuck away from tornados
rodeo has already been invented so you have nothing to gain

The End