Okay so hey guys
this is my last post before I move to chicago
prepare for a GUESTSTRAVAGANZA
we’ve got crazy shit coming from all quarters
philosophy
history
sherlock fucking holmes
you name it we’ve got it
but right now it is time for a VERY SAD GREEK MYTH

so there’s this chick byblis right

she’s got a bro named Caunus
and this is a greek myth
so obviously she wants to bang him
but it’s okay
because she is aware of what a TERRIBLE IDEA THAT IS
except it turns out that being aware that something is a terrible idea
and NOT DOING IT
are two ENTIRELY DIFFERENT THINGS
by the way I should say
what the fuck are you doing with your life if you are not reading the metamorphoses
Ovidius Publius Naso
(not me, the real one)
makes slow comfortable love to your eyeballs every time you read one of his poems
this one is especially great
now let me get back to shitting all over it

okay so Biblys is agonizing over whether or not to bang her bro
they kiss and stuff
but you know what they say in Greece
it’s not incest if you don’t get past second base
what’s second base again?
I forgot
is that the one where the dick pops out?
god wouldn’t it be fucked up if you were playing baseball
and you slid into second base and a dick popped out?
let’s talk about something else

okay so Biblys decides to write Caunus a letter
it starts out like DEAR CAUNUS
I WOULD LIKE TO REMAIN ANONYMOUS WHILST CONFESSING MY LADYBONERS TO YOU
OH BY THE WAY MY NAME IS BIBLYS AND I’M YOUR SISTER
AW FUCK
ANYWAY WE SHOULD TOTALLY BANG
I MEAN ZEUS FUCKS HERA ALL THE TIME
AND IT’S NOT AS IF THE GODS ARE WILDLY IMMORAL OR ANYTHING
COME ON I’VE GOT MY COOTER PROPPED OPEN AND READY TO GO
ROOM’S UNLOCKED LET’S FUCKING DO THIS
PS IF YOU DON’T FUCK ME I’LL KILL MYSELF
and then she gives it to a messenger
or rather she tries to give it to a messenger
but that shit FALLS OUT OF HER HANDS
and apparently dropping shit is a bad omen
but she doesn’t give a fuck
so the messenger delivers the message
and Caunus is like AAGH
AGHHH
WHAT IS
WHAT
FUCK NO
JUST
FUCK NO
and the messenger goes back to Byblis like welp
sucks to be you
and Biblys is like GODS DAMMIT
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU TRUST A WAX TABLET TO DO A WOMAN’S JOB
I’LL TURN THAT BONERFROWN UPSIDE DOWN
BY WHICH I MEAN I WILL PERFORM FELLATIO ON HIM
so she runs into his room like HEY WHO ORDERED A FELLATIO
and Caunus is like AH FUCK GO AWAY
and he runs away and starts a new kingdom
and she follows him
so he keeps running away
and she keeps following
all the fuck OVER the damn place
like she fucking sprints past the Chimaera and EVERYTHING
until finally she ends up in a forest
and all the nymphs and whatnot are like girl you need to move on
ain’t no man worth this much trouble
and Byblis is like FUCK YOU GUYS I’M TURNING INTO A RIVER OF TEARS
and so now she’s a river
why is it that all these myths
are just fucking origin stories for minor greek geological features
the landscape is just rife with ladytrees and dudeflowers
and stones and I guess rivers apparently

so the moral of the story is
bros before hos
and as any ho knows
don’t blow your own bro or else there your bro goes

THE END