Thanks to Tucker for recommending this myth
SEE GUYS
recommend myths and you will get THANKED
all awash with gratitude
like a full-on bukakke party of gratefulness
i am sure you will enjoy it
i know tucker is enjoying it
by the way tucker is also the musclebound hero
who wrote one of those myths that got put up
while i was off in the desert
anyway!

A B STORMALONG
holy shit guys
no one knows who stormalong’s parents are
cause the first anyone hears of him
is when he washes ashore in New England
already TWELVE FEET TALL
AND LIKE FIVE YEARS OLD OR SOMETHING
THAT IS MORE THAN A FOOT A YEAR
ALSO
IF YOU TAKE HIS FIRST TWO INITIALS
AND PUT THEM TOGETHER
YOU GET AB
WHICH IS A MUSCLE
TELL ME THAT ISN’T MANLY

anyway by the time he is twelve
“sexy abs” stormalong is well over 30 feet tall
too large for new england
so he walks to boston
and he is like hey
hey
who wants me on their ship
my freakish gigantism will be a tremendous asset
and this ship is like us
we want you on our ship
come be our lookout because you are so tall

so he looks the fuck out for this ship
he is really good at it
one day he sees a pirate ship coming
and he is like SHIT GUYS
PIRATE SHIT ALL THE FUCK UP OVER THE STARBOARD BOW
RUN
I MEAN SAIL
so they try to outsail the pirate ship
but the pirate ship is WAY TOO FAST
so then stormalong is like WAIT
i’ve got an idea
how about we take all this molasses he have for some reason
and spread it all over the deck
so when the pirates climb aboard
they get stuck
and that is exactly what they do
and it works exactly like that
and they capture all the pirates in like
a minute
and then they make stormalong first mate
for wasting all their molasses

so now stormalong is the first mate
and that is pretty sweet for him
even though now the ship is down one awesome lookout
he gets shiploads of oysters and stuff
ferried directly from the ocean
into his mouth
except then one day
HERE COMES THE KRAKEN
you guys have all seen pirates of the Caribbean right
i dont need to explain what the kraken is do i
no of course not

so everyone on the ship is like FUCK WHAT DO WE DO
and first mate stormalong is like NO WORRIES
I GOT THIS
and jumps headfirst into the water
actually more like headFIST
because he immediately punches the kraken in the face
and then executes a ten-point WATER TACKLE
taking that shit underwater
he then proceeds to wrestle the kraken
for like four hours
and when he finally surfaces
and everyone is like hey hey what happened
he just frowns real big
and says
“I failed”
because he didn’t actually murder the kraken
it just ran away
OH BOO HOO
YOU SAVED THE SHIP
BUT YOU DIDN’T KILL ANYTHING IN THE PROCESS
WHY DONT YOU GO SIT IN YOUR QUARTERS FOR A WHILE
AND REFUSE ALL FOOD
AND MOPE

so that is exactly what stormalong does
he just sits in his quarters
refusing oysters
and barrels of coffee
and eventually he’s just like you know what guys
i think i’m just not cut out to be a sailor
I’m gonna go be a farmer

so he goes to michigan
and he farms some shit
and it’s great
until it snows
he hates snow so much

so then he moves to texas
where it fucking never snows
and he becomes a rancher
but then a tornado shows up
maybe the exact same one pecos bill was riding
because this is a pretty ornery fucking tornado
it destroys absolutely everything
and then stormalong finds another rancher
and is like WHAT DO WE DO
and the rancher is like WE JUST HOLD ON
AND CRY A LITTLE
so stormalong grabs a house
but then the house gets blown away
and so does stormalong
so what he does
is he sits on the house
and uses his TWENTY FOOT BANDANA as a sail
and drives his airboat
all the way to the gulf of mexico
and while he’s sitting there in the water
bobbing up and down on what used to be his house
he goes huh
i’m kind of really good at sailing
maybe i should go back to being a sailor

so he goes back to being a sailor
only this time
HE’S the captain
he gets a boat
that is so big
his crew needs a whole swarm of arabian horses
just to get from one end to the other
by the way i have NO IDEA how he affords all this shit
being large is like the most insane financial liability ever
but he does somehow
and this ship is really fucking huge
i did not finish telling you
how huge it is
for example it is SO HUGE
they have to stitch the sails together in the desert
cause there is no other flat space large enough
and it is SO HUGE
that the mast has to be hinged
just to avoid hitting the MOON
and it is SOOOOO HUUUUUGE
that one time
it gets stuck in the english channel
and they grease the hull with soap
and they use so much soap
that it makes the cliffs of dover shiny white forever

so anyway they are sailing this megaboat around
and one day
GUESS WHO SHOWS UP GUYS
THE KRAKEN
THE KRAKEN SHOWS UP
and everyone is like oh shit
are we going to have to watch A B Stormalong
start crying again
are we going to be the audience
for yet another gargantuan sissyfest
but NO
NO

Captain Stormalong grabs a big piece of rope
and using the techniques taught to him
by secret wizards in texas
he LASSOS THE FUCKING KRAKEN
and the Kraken is like NOOOOOOO
and starts swimming away
and Stormalong is like HELL YESS
and holds on
basically turning his boat
into the ultimate jetski
and the kraken
instead of ramming stormalong into the shore or something
just swims straight into a whirlpool
and Stormalong keeps holding on
and his crew is like HEY
HEY MAN
WE DON’T WANT TO DIE
JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE BUTTHURT ABOUT THIS GIANT SQUID BEAST
and stormalong is like FINE
and he lets go off the rope
and his ship goes flying out of the whirlpool somehow
and the kraken gets sucked in anyway
and dies

so obviously stormalong is SUPER STOKED about this
and he sails all the fuck over everywhere
spreading the good news and having adventures
and then one day
he’s around america somewhere
and he sees a ship with STEAM COMING OUT OF IT
and he is like FUCK
THAT SHIP IS ON FIRE
and he fills his hat with water
and POURS IT ON TOP OF ALL OF THE STEAM TO STOP THE FIRE
but guys
it is not a fire
well i mean it is
but it is a fire which is powering A STEAMBOAT
and the steamboat captain is like god dammit stormalong
look what you did to my newfangled steam machine
fuck you and the obsolete horse-covered boat you rode in on

and stormalong is like NO ONE TALKS ABOUT MY HORSEBOAT THAT WAY
and the other captain is like HOW ABOUT A RACE ACROSS THE ATLANTIC
and stormalong is like YOU’RE ON

so they do the race
and stormalong wins
by like half a boatlength
but seeing as his boat is like
a billion miles long
that is still pretty good
although actually
now that i think about it
he would have had to start out
pretty far ahead of the other guy
just because his boat is so long
so he might have just ended up tying the other guy
but anyway the important thing is
that the INTENSE FURY
WITH WHICH HE MANNED THE WHEEL
DURING THE RACE
caused stormalong to die after the race was over
just like how john henry died in that other story

so just to recap
A B Stormalong was born 12 feet tall in the ocean
he won at being a lookout
he won at killing krakens
then he won at boat racing
and then he died
so moral of the story?
be careful my friends
it is possible to die from too much winning

THE END

SO PECOS BILL AGAIN

last time we saw him
he was a fucking coyote or some shit
at least he thought he was
but that is NO LONGER THE CASE
he is now a grown man
acutely aware of the fact
that he is not any kind of a coyote
but also acutely unaware
of certain basic facts of physics

like for example:

YOU CANNOT RIDE A TORNADO LIKE IT IS A HORSE
TORNADOES DIFFER FROM HORSES
IN MANY DISTINCT WAYS
SCIENCE HAS SHOWN THIS

anyway pecos bill is up in kansas for some reason
and he is like hey
you know what would be great to ride right now
A FUCKING TORNADO
so he hangs out in tornado country for a while
checkin’ out the tornadoes
he even lets a couple pass by unmolested
because they are simply not dangerous enough
and finally he sees this one tornado
tearing the shit out of EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE
turning the sky black and green and shit
and he is like alright
i was worried
that I wasn’t going to get to do anything DANGEROUSLY SUICIDAL today
now’s my chance

so pecos bill jumps on that tornado
pushes it to the ground like he is about to rape the shit out of it
and then does one better and climbs on it
and is like giddy the fuck up you son of a bitch
so the tornado
obviously
is like FUCKITY FUCK NO
it actually seriously starts cursing
like
pecos bill has pissed off this natural phenomenon so much
it has miraculously gained the power of speech
it has also gained the power to tear ass through all of America
tying rivers in knots and skullfucking forests
killing thousands of animals
destroying vast swaths of land
they get to texas
and pecos bill is still chilling out on this tornado
just occasionally digging his spurs into it
i don’t know what he found to dig his spurs into
but whatever it is it sure pisses the tornado off

so finally the tornado is like aww jesus fuck
no matter what i do
this asshole just keeps sitting on me
occasionally making cowboy or wolf noises at me
this is horrible
life is horrible
why me

so of course the tornado decides to commit suicide
it flies over to the grand canyon
and cries itself out of existence
raining so hard it fills up the fucking canyon
and as a result of this pathetic supernatural pity festival
pecos bill suddenly finds himself
with nothing to ride
and he flies through the air
and hits the ground so hard
it creates death valley
and then a bunch of cowboys are like
whoa that looks pretty sweet
let’s make that a sport
only let’s do it with horses instead of tornadoes
and they invented rodeo

so the moral of the story is
dismantle FEMA
Pecos Bill could have singlehandedly stopped Katrina
or maybe made it like
a thousand times worse
in fact probably that is the more likely scenario
seeing as pecos’ little dickscapade
effectively devastated like 50% of america
so the real moral of the story is
stay the fuck away from tornados
rodeo has already been invented so you have nothing to gain

The End

Okay so Paul Bunyan

he’s this really huge guy
who is basically probably the main reason
that lumberjacks are considered badass
TO THIS VERY DAY
because this dude was big

HOW BIG WAS HE?

he was so big
it took three storks to deliver him to his parents
AS A BABY
he was so big
that when he was old enough to laugh and clap his hands
he DESTROYED HIS HOUSE
also at one point he sawed all the legs off his parents’ bed
for some reason
i guess because it was his DESTINY
he was so big
one time he made a fire
and he wanted to put it out
so he stacked rocks on top of it
and now it is called Mount Hood
he was so big
he dragged his axe behind him when he was walking
and made the grand canyon
this guy
was BIG
ok?

but none of that shit compares
to the time paul bunyan tamed the whistling river

ok so there’s this river right
it’s called the whistling river
because as a result of some fucked up natural phenomenon
this river likes to rear up
like a fucking majestic stallion or some shit
and let out a piercing whistle
every day
many times a day

this river is also a total asshole
it breaks up log rafts
it drowns loggers
it does everything a river is not supposed to do
and laughs about it
or i guess whistles about it

but then it fucks up
cause see one day paul bunyan is sitting by the river
prolly eating some flapjacks
when the river rears up
and chucks FOUR HUNDRED AND NINETEEN GALLONS
OF MUDDY WATER
INTO HIS BEARD

now i’m sure i don’t have to tell you
that a lumberjack’s beard
is NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH
but Paul Bunyan gives the river a pass
he just goes back to his pancakes
and figures the river will behave itself
but no
NOOOOOOOOOOO
that river rears up
and chucks FIVE THOUSAND AND NINETEEN MORE GALLONS
AND SOME TURTLES
AND SOME FISH
AND SOME MUSKRAT
DIRECTLY INTO PAUL BUNYAN’S ALREADY SOAKING WET BEARD
plus his flapjacks are pretty wet

this is the kind of shit any self-respecting lumberjack cannot ignore
so what does paul bunyan do?
does he get up and move someplace where the river can’t soak him
NO
he decides
IM GONNA TAME THAT FUCKING RIVER
but how?
hmmm

So paul bunyan decides to do some thinking
and the way lumberjacks think
is they sit down
and they eat popcorn
for DAYS
paul bunyan eats so much popcorn
that after a week
the air is full of little white popcorn fluff
and the ground is covered with eighteen inches of popcorn scraps
for THREE MILES AROUND
and animals that wander into the area
immediately think it is winter
and freeze to death before they have a chance
to actually think about what they are doing
and the loggers have pot pie materials for weeks
but they also have to clean up all the popcorn scraps
so it evens out i guess

anyway finally paul bunyan leaps up like AHA!
i bet if i took all the kinks out of the river
and made it perfectly straight
it would calm the fuck down

BUT HOW?!
well i’ll just tie it to my massive blue ox
named babe
and she’ll tow it straight
oh but wait
it’s made of water
what am I going to tie my ox to it with
OH I KNOW

so paul bunyan and his ox go to the north pole
and he makes a box trap baited with icicles
and then goes and plays fetch with babe for a while
using GLACIERS
but he has to stop
because he floods florida
so then he goes back to check on his trap
and finds that he has caught SIX BLIZZARDS
man
i wish i had a box big enough to catch six blizzards
i’d open up a blizzard stand
and no one would buy any
because blizzards aren’t really something
you can physically manipulate
they basically just kill you
and ruin your things

but paul bunyan doesn’t see it that way
he lets go all but 2 blizzards
and he takes those back to his logging camp
and has Ole
this big swede
make two huge logging chains
and attach them to the blizzards
and then he goes to the whistling river
and jams the blizzards into it
and freezes it FOR SEVENTEEN MILES
so it is really having a hard time whistling at this point
and then paul hooks the river up to babe
and is like PULL OX PULL

but that river is TOOOOOOO ornery
it won’t budge
even though babe pulls those chains into solid iron bars
and digs ruts into the solid rock she is standing on
with her feet
because she is trying to run SO FAST

so then paul bunyan is like alright
no more bullshit
and grabs the chains too
and he and babe both pull SO HARD
they drag the river free of its banks
and through the prarie
really unpleasantly fast

finally they stop running
and turn around
and see that the river is TOTALLY STRAIGHT GUYS
but it is also somehow much shorter
without all the bends
i guess because all the excess bends material
is scattered all over the prarie
as a result of the VIOLENT WAY
IN WHICH PAUL BUNYAN AND HIS ANIMAL PAL DEVASTATED THE RIVER
so paul bunyan takes all the extra bends
and packs them up
and uses them later
when he needs to float logs
in the middle of the desert
because you get to ignore physics
as long as you are really really big

anyway then the river gets all huffy
because everything that made it the whistling river
and allowed it to be a total asshole
is officially GONE
so it refuses to whistle
and actually
this makes everyone really pissed off at paul bunyan
because they are like DAMMIT
WHAT IS GOING TO WAKE US UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN NOW
WE ARE LUMBERJACKS
WE NEED TO WAKE UP EARLY AND ALARM CLOCKS DONT EXIST YET

but it turns out to be ok
because along comes this dude named squeaky swanson
with a speaking voice
that is never above a whisper
but a shriek
that can physically LIFT THE BLANKETS OFF EVERYONE IN CAMP
so every day squeaky swanson wakes up at the crack of dawn
and SHRIEKS EVERYONE AWAKE
solving every problem forever

so once again
the real hero of the story is not paul bunyan
who actually ruined the whistling river
and fucked over his campmates
and littered a lot of popcorn scraps all over
and flooded florida
and sawed the legs off his parents’ bed
but rather an unassuming man
with some kind of weird voice problem

so god bless america
home of the little guy
who can yell really loud

The End.

(For a dramatic reading of this myth: YOUTUUUUUBE)

Guys i want to call your attention to something

dont you think it’s weird
that of all the myriad ethnic groups
we have shoehorned together in this great nation
our predominant mythological tradition
is tied to a bunch of ancient dead dudes
whose religion no one even worships anymore?

guys

why do we know so many greek myths guys
if you grow up in sweden
they make you learn norse myths
straight up that is something you have to do
because the swedes
DESCENDED FROM THE NORSE
I AM NOT EVEN ONE EIGHTEENTH GREEK GUYS
WHY DO I KNOW ALL THESE GREEK MYTHS

now i am not denying greek myths are super sweet
there is nothing better
if you want to watch a bunch of asshole children
fuck and kill each other
but i feel like it is my duty as an american
to raise awareness
of some motherfucking AMERICAN MYTHOLOGY UP IN HERE

so here goes

NOW JOHN HENRY WAS A STEEL-DRIVIN’ MAN
do you guys know what that means
that means that he was a dude who worked on a railroad
and his job
was to KILL MOUNTAINS
now the way he did this
was some poor sonofabitch named Little Bill
would hold a steel drill in place against the rock
while john henry BEAT THIS SHIT OUT OF IT
WITH A TWENTY POUND HAMMER
and Bill had to keep turning the drill after every strike
and eventually the drill would get dull
so he had to swap it out
for another drill
that someone would hopefully hand to him about that time
and then they would bring the old drill to a blacksmith
so the blacksmith could fix it
and then bring it back
to bill
so he could switch it out
AGAIN
and meanwhile John Henry’s hammer
is just whistling right past Bill’s junk
or face
or ribs
or wherever he had to hold the drill
in order to make sure the rock was getting brutalized in the right direction
And john henry
for his part
just has to heft a fucking TWENTY POUND HAMMER
over and over again
with perfect accuracy
all day
through solid rock
never stopping
never getting tired
under constant threat of rockslides and disfigurement

so this is this guy’s job

now john henry works for a pack of rat bastards
called the C&O railroad company
i know they are rat bastards
because one day john henry’s railroad team
rolls up on this big fucking mountain
it is a big enough mountain
that it is named Big Bend mountain
so the railroad crew is all like welp
better get ready to go around this mountain huh
and the stupid motherfuckers from C&O
are like NOPE
GOIN’ THROUGH THE MOUNTAIN
STRAIGHT THROUGH
IT IS ONLY LIKE A MILE AND A HALF THICK
YOU GUYS LIKE HAVING JOBS RIGHT
SO DO IT

so they do it
most of these guys are freed slaves
so they don’t exactly have their pick of employment opportunities
this goes double for John Henry
who is not only a freed slave
but also an UNSTOPPABLE BADASS WHO NEVER QUITS
so every day all the steel-drivers go to work
and they fling themselves mercilessly at this mountain
and like 20 people die
and get buried in shallow graves outside the tunnel
people are dying left and right
and up and down
and pretty much any direction you can die in
but john henry just keeps abusing that stone
making a solid ten foot tunnel every day
AT LEAST

so, you know, great for him
but all his friends are still dead
and the dicks at C&O are getting impatient
so when this travelling salesman shows up
all like HEY GUYS I HAVE A STEAM POWERED DRILL MACHINE
IT WILL DRILL THE FUCK OUT OF THIS MOUNTAIN NO PROBLEM
they are like SIGN US UP
and by the way all you people who work for us are fired
ESPECIALLY JOHN HENRY

now john henry is the kind of man
who takes no guff from anybody
it is unreal how little guff this man takes
like if there is a great big pile of guff by the side of the road
and john henry walked by
that pile would remain completely undisturbed
because he would take none of it
so when he sees this guff coming his way
like a shitstorm rockslide avalanche of guff
he just sidesteps that shit
and is like hey travelling salesman
i bet i can drill harder
better
faster
and stronger than your pussyass machine
and the travelling salesman is like YOU’RE ON

so the next day John henry lines up next to this machine
along with his trusty shaker Little Bill
and TWO TWENTY POUND HAMMERS
and they get to work

now this steam drill
is pretty fast
it is like CHUFF CHUFF CHUFF BITCHES
but meanwhile John henry is pretty fast too
all like WAM BAM CLANK DING MOTHERFUCKER
i dont know what hammers sound like
anyway the drill and john are pretty much neck to neck
maybe the drill is even doing a little better
but then it gets STUCK
it gets jammed in a hole in the rock
and john henry just goes grunting and flailing and sweating
FOUTEEN FEET INTO THE HEART OF THAT MOUNTAIN
BAM CLINK CACHANG POW BOOM PEW PEW PEW

so final score:
newfangled steam drill
nine feet
one man armed with nothing but sweat and gumption
and two twenty pound hammers:
fourteen feet
oh wait
did i forget to mention
that since john henry was using two hammers
he drilled TWO HOLES
while the steam drill only made ONE
so really the score was nine to TWENTY FUCKING EIGHT

yeah
but then bad news guys
john henry puts down his hammers
and dies
because he just hammered that rock so hard
he gave himself a fucking stroke
it doesnt say in the ballad
but i like to think
that his last words
were something like

…damn right

anyway then he was dead
so i think they end up using the steam drill anyway
although they have to cancel work for like a week
because everyone is convinced john henry’s ghost lives in the tunnel
also later on
it turns out that the tunnel is notoriously unstable
and it ends up collapsing a ton of times
but none of that matters
because the real hero of this story
is Little Bill
who held two drills
right next to his body
against a solid stone wall
while an absurdly muscular dude
repeatedly charged towards him
flailing two twenty pound hammers
and he kept holding those drills
and turning them
and shaking out the stone debris
and switching out the drills when they got dull
FOR THIRTY FIVE MINUTES
AND TWENTY-EIGHT FEET
and also
lived through the whole thing
didn’t have a stroke
or even shit himself in panic
so let’s hear it for little bill
real American hero

The End

(Coming Thursday: Paul Bunyan)