alright so this kid Aladdin right

he’s pretty much a total fuckup
like his dad is a pretty successful merchant
like basically everybody’s dad in ALL the arabian myths
but Aladdin is more interested in fiddling vigoriously with his balls
than in any kind of mercantilism
so when his dad dies
(by the way his dad’s name is Mustafa
which is a SWEET FUCKING NAME)
his mom ends up having to support the family
ENTIRELY BY HERSELF
by SPINNING COTTON
spinning cotton is not the best job my friends
especially when all your son is doing
is finding new angles from which to insert his thumb into his ass

anyway one day aladdin is fancyswaggerin his way down main street
and this old dude rolls up to him
like hey
hey
aladdin
i am your uncle
here is a magic ring
i need you to do me a sketchy magical favor
and aladdin is like durr ok sure what’s the favor
and the dude is like i need you to go grab this magic lamp for me
from this secret evil booby trapped cave
it’ll be great you’ll love it
and aladdin is like sure yeah that sounds INCREDIBLY LEGITIMATE
but PLOT TWIST guys
what Aladdin DOESN’T KNOW
is that this dude is not his uncle at all
but just some random evil magician
but wait hold on
if this magician is in no way related to Aladdin
why the fuck does he pick this piece of shit to run his errands for him
could it be that aladdin is the only dude IN THE ENTIRETY OF ARABIA
who has nothing to do right now?
seems plausible enough
i mean why else would you specifically go out of your way
to enlist the help of a dude
who is DEMONSTRABLY DISINCLINED TO DO THINGS
but anyway that night aladdin and this sketchy magician
go out into the desert to find this cave

so they get to the cave
and the dude is like alright man
now you gotta go down into that cave
there are gonna be three doors
take the one to the right
then don’t touch any walls
there are going to be a fuckton of trees
don’t ask me why
then you get the lamp
PROBLEM SOLVED
and Aladdin is like alright cool
so he goes in
and he does all that shit
but see what the magician forgot to tell him
is that those trees he mentioned?
COVERED IN FRUIT MADE OF FUCKING RUBIES AND SHIT
THEY ARE INEDIBLY VALUABLE
and aladdin is the kind of person who is easily distracted by shiny
so he goes ahead and just jacks as much fruit as he can
and then he grabs the lamp
and he gets all the way back up to the exit
and he is kind of having a hard time getting out
and his fake uncle is up there like GIMME THE LAMP
and aladdin is like how about help me out of the cave
and fake uncle is like FUCK WHATEVER YOU KNOW WHAT
JUST GONNA LOCK YOU IN HERE
FUCK THE LAMP
FUCK YOU
FUCK THE RING I GAVE YOU
I’M JUST GOING TO TAKE A NET LOSS ON THIS
CAUSE I’M A HUGE ASSHOLE AND I DON’T THINK THROUGH MY DECISIONS

OKAY HOLD ON FOR A SECOND
what the fuck was this magician’s plan this whole time?
let’s analyze the thought process step by step
okay I have a magic ring
I WANT a magic lamp
i know exactly where the lamp is
and how to go in and get it
ok so what should I do
oh I know
I’ll get a notoriously unreliable piece of shit
just some random dude off the street
and I will have him HANDLE ALL OF MY TREASURE
THEN I WILL GET ANGRY AND LOCK HIM IN A CAVE WITH MY STUFF
HOW CAN THIS GO WRONG FOR ME I JUST DON’T SEE HOW
oh and before you say “but aladdin was pure of heart blah blah blah”
GO FUCK YOURSELF
ALADDIN WAS A LAZY PIECE OF SHIT WITH NO FUTURE
DID YOU SEE THE MOVIE HE JUST STRAIGHT UP STEALS SHIT
HE HAS A MONKEY PAL THOUGH THAT’S PRETTY COOL
ANYWAY

now aladdin is locked in this weirdass cave with a ring and a lamp
so what does he do?
well what do people normally do in these situations
he starts crying and masturbating
obviously
and the rubbing action on the magic ring
causes a GENIE TO COME OUT
and Aladdin is like I WASN’T DOING ANYTHING
and the Genie is like no dude it’s cool
i’m a minor genie living in a magic RING
do you think this is the first time this has happened to me
and Aladdin is like oh i guess not
hey can you get me out of this cave
and the genie is like sure no problem
BAM
you’re at home now
so now aladdin is at home
with his mother
and his mother is like whoa shit where did you come from
why is your dick out
and aladdin is like cool it mom
look i found a lamp
and his mom is like I MUST CLEAN THIS
and BAM
it turns out THIS shit has a genie in it too
a BETTER genie
and the genie is like hey guys what’s good
I see you like polishing things
got any wishes?
and aladdin is like yeah i’m hungry as fuck
and the genie is like BAM
HERE’S A BLACK SLAVE WITH SOME SANDWICHES ON A SILVER FUCKING PLATTER
and aladdin and his mom eat the fuck out of the sandwiches
and then they STEAL AND SELL THE PLATES
and that is how they have money all of a sudden
so aladdin STILL doesn’t have to work or do shit
oh and by the way
there is no stipulation about only getting three wishes here
these are some hard-working LEGITIMATE genies
fucking unlimited supply of wishes
just whatever the hell you want at any hour of the day or night
so basically like the ancient arabian version of 7-11
or home depot before they stopped being open 24 hours
do you realize there used to be a 24 hour hardware store?
WHAT KIND OF LUDICROUS SHIT COULD YOU HAVE DONE WITH THAT

anyway
so aladdin goes back to his normal routine
of just wandering all over the fucking place
finding creative ways to be unproductive
when suddenly he sees the sultan’s daughter
whose name is way too fucking long to type
so i’m just gonna call her Blimpy
anyway aladdin sees this chick
and does a 360 testicular kickflip to boner
and is like I KNOW
I’LL BRIBE HER DAD WITH THIS DIAMOND FRUIT I FOUND
so he sends all these jewels to the sultan
who is like whoa shit
i mean i don’t know why these are in the shape of fruit
but they are INCREDIBLY VALUABLE
but I didn’t become sultan by not being a greedy asshole
no
I became sultan via PATERNAL SUCCESSION
so he sends aladdin a letter like sure
you can marry my daughter
if you bring me LIKE FORTY TIMES THIS MANY JEWELS
CARRIED BY 20 WHITE SLAVES AND 20 BLACK SLAVES
yeah i like to keep my slave pool diverse
and then the sultan sits back
and prepares to watch aladdin fail
so he can just keep the bowl of priceless fruit
FOR FREE
WHAT IS IT WITH REALLY RICH DUDES AND TRYING SHIT LIKE THIS

anyway the sultan’s plan has one flaw
which is that he doesn’t take into account the fact
that aladdin has TWO FUCKING GENIES
so the lamp genie
just straight up fabricates all the necessary jewels and slaves
and suddenly it is boner city all up in between Aladdin and Blimpy
and then the genie also makes a palace for them
and they basically just have sex CONSTANTLY
so once again Aladdin is saved from having to basically do anything
by the fact that he pretty much just has genies all over the fucking place

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL
remember that sorcerer with little to no problem solving skills?
WELL HE’S BACK
AND HE IS MAKING PROBLEMS NOW INSTEAD OF SOLVING THEM
so basically what he does
is he just walks down the street
going hey does anyone have any old lamps they need replaced
I will replace the fuck out of those lamps for you
and Blimpy sees this dude
and is like well I have this shitty old lamp
not like it has a genie in it or anything
here you go creepy sorcerer here’s a lamp
and BAM now shit is fucked up

so the first thing the sorcerer does
is he teleports the whole fucking palace to africa
why?
cause fuck it
whatever
and then i guess he kind of just hangs out
he doesn’t get spectacular riches or anything
kind of just waits to be thwarted
meanwhile aladdin was probably fucking off somewhere
and he gets back home
but he doesn’t HAVE a home anymore
because it teleported to africa
man i hate when that happens
and the sultan is like BITCH YOU BEST GET MY DAUGHTER BACK HERE
I GIVE YOU THREE DAYS
THEN I RUIN YOUR SHIT

so what does aladdin do?
well what would anyone do in this situation
he starts crying and masturbating
and BAM
here comes the genie of the ring
like oh man looks like you have problems
whats up
and aladdin is like my wife is in africa
can you bring her back
and the genie is like naw dude i’m too shitty
all i can do is bring you to africa
and aladdin is like well that’s almost as good
maybe the sultan won’t kill me if i’m in africa
so BAM he’s in africa
and Blimpy is like what the fuck where did you come from
why is your dick out
and aladdin is like cool it i have a plan
is that retarded sorcerer still around here somewhere?
and Blimpy is like yeah
and Aladdin is like ok
i have this sleeping potion
invite that dude in
and pretend you are going to have all the sex with him
then give him this sleeping potion instead
then we will steal his lamp
it’s so simple it’s brilliant

and guess what guys
IT WORKS
IT GOES OFF WITHOUT A HITCH
nevermind the fact that it is kind of suspicious
that the chick he teleported to fucking AFRICA
suddenly wants to jump his bones
the sorcerer is all up on this
guys you know what i think the problem is
i think maybe this story predates problem solving skills
maybe that was something that had to be invented
like the alphabet and thongs and dynamite
anyway yeah they steal back the lamp
and teleport back home
and i think also kill the sorcerer
and then they live happily ever after i guess
i mean i assume they do
cause how can you not when you have TWO FUCKING GENIES
like
you have a genie
and then you have a BACKUP GENIE
that is TOO MANY GENIES
although to be fair i guess you can’t ever really have enough genies

but so the MORAL of the story
is genies could be anywhere
so rub all your possessions furiously
also the possessions of your friends and family
strangers in the street
just rub as much shit as possible
it’s gonna be worth it when you have fifty fucking genies

The end

For those of you who wanted stories about badass ladies
and also this chick Babs who wanted some Arabian shit up in here:

Alright so there’s this dude Ali Baba right

and he has this brother named Cassim
Cassim is a prick
just putting that out there
you’ll see why later
but for now what you need to know
is that these dudes have a dad
but then he dies
and so then Cassim takes over the dad’s business
which is some kind of merchant bullshit
and he marries a rich chick
and meanwhile Ali Baba is just like fuck this
I want to work a labor intensive minimum wage job
for the rest of my life
ima be a woodcutter
HE DOES THIS BECAUSE HE IS A VIRTUOUS PERSON

anyway one day Ali Baba is out in the woods
wasting his life
when he hears a bunch of horse dudes coming by
and he IMMEDIATELY RECOGNIZES THEM AS THIEVES
and he is like holy shit thieves
I know
I’LL COUNT THEM
OH LOOK FORTY THIEVES
THAT IS A LOT OF THIEVES
and he watches these forty dudes go up to a rock
and then the head thief is like
(say it with me now my friends)
OPEN SESAME
which is a shitty password for a secret cave
because i mean
that’s like the first thing EVERYBODY TRIES
EVERYBODY knows about open sesame
jesus christ

anyway yeah the rock opens
and they all go inside
and then they come out
and then they leave
and then ali baba is like shiiiiiit
i gotta try this
so he goes up to the rock and he is like OPEN SESAME
and he goes inside
and there is SO MUCH GODDAMN TREASURE IT IS COMPLETELY UNREASONABLE
this is like scrooge mcduck
fucking swimming in a sea of gold coins status
this is DIAMOND TSUNAMI UP THE FUCKING YIN-YANG
and ali baba is like whoa now
looks like it is officially treasure o’clock in the baba household
and he loads up all his mules with treasure
instead of the shitty wood he was GOING to load them up with
which i guess means a whole bunch of cold dudes are gonna go without firewood
but who the fuck cares ali baba is rich now
so he goes home and he is like wife
WIFE
I HAVE SO MUCH GODDAMN TREASURE
and his wife is like GREAT GREASY BALLS OF BANGKOK
YOU’RE RIGHT
LET’S TELL EVERYBODY
and ali baba is like settle down woman
i stole this money from thieves
that makes me a DOUBLETHIEF
and the problem with being a doublethief
is that not even thieves like doublethieves
the general public is slightly more sympathetic to us
but like
the thieves are the ones with all the knives
so that is really the most important PR hurdle here
and ali baba’s wife is like shit
well we should at least weigh this shit
so we know how rich we are
and ali baba is like tru dat
but we don’t have a scale
hey my bro has a scale
go ask his wife if you can use it

so ali baba’s wife goes to cassim’s place
and she’s like hey cassim’s wife
lemme use your scale right quick
but see cassim’s wife has a common malady
called being a nosy bitch
so she coats the scales in wax
and a gold coin gets stuck to the wax when ali baba’s wife is done measuring
and then cassim’s wife comes in
and is like WHOA DAMN
GOLD
BETTER TELL MY HUSBAND
so basically some time in the next ten seconds
Cassim is basically humping down Ali Baba’s door

he’s like HEY
HEY
HEY BRO
WHERE YOU GET TREASURE
and ali baba is like oh well i doublestole it
and Cassim is like SWEET FROM WHERE
and ali baba is like well i guess i’ll tell you
since we are best bros
and then some time in the next ten seconds
cassim is trying to hump his way into the secret thiefcave
but then he remembers that the password is not humping
the password is open sesame
and he gets inside
AND HAS AN ATOMIC GENTIAL EXPLOSION OF GREEDLUST
fuck swimming through this gold
this dude is going SNORKELING
and he does all that shit where like
his eyes turn into dollar signs
and then his teeth make a cash register sound
and he starts shitting invoices or some shit

anyway he completely fails at robbery
wanna know why?
BECAUSE HE FORGETS
THE
PASSWORD
guys
how do you forget OPEN SESAME
first off it is TWO WORDS
AND THEY ARE PRETTY EASY WORDS TO REMEMBER
ONE OF THEM IS ACTUALLY THE WORD
FOR THE THING YOU WANT THE DOOR TO DO
second off EVERYONE KNOWS ABOUT OPEN SESAME
IT WAS IN ALLADIN YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE
anyway then the thieves show up and cut him into quarters
which kills him pretty decisively

SO NATURALLY EVERYBODY GETS PRETTY WORRIED
and eventually ali baba is like fuck i better go check on my shitty sibling
so he goes to the cave
and he goes inside
and RIGHT INSIDE THE ENTRANCE is four pieces of his bro
danglin’ around
bein’ gross
and ali baba is like BALLS
THIS IS TERRIBLE
and he steals the meatbits
and brings them back home
and sneaks them into Cassim’s house
and then he gets one of Cassim’s slaves
her name is Morgiana
you know she is important
because she is a woman WHO ACTUALLY HAS A NAME
and Ali Baba is like look
your boss is kind of like
in quarters right now
what i need you to do
is make it look like he died of natural causes
and Morgiana is like you want me to do what
and Ali Baba is like bitch you will do what i say

so Morgiana straight up handles the fuck out of this
see first she goes to the pharmacy
and buys a ton of drugs
and is like CASSIM’S SICK GUYS TELL YOUR FRIENDS
then she hires this tailor
and she blindfolds him
and brings him to Cassim’s place
and has him sew up the four giblets into a presentable corpse
which probably at this point smells like a seven layer dip
where every layer is shit
anyway this succeeds in fooling everybody somehow
but Ali Baba has bigger problems
because the thieves come back to their cave
and they see the body gone
and they’re like SHIT LOOKS LIKE THERE’S MORE DOUBLETHIEVES
BETTER FIND THEM AND STAB THEM WITH THESE KNIVES WE HAVE

so the head thief sends some lesser thief into town
to do some research
and the lesser thief comes across this tailor
who is like dude
i just sewed four pieces of a dead guy together
and the thief is like oh shit where
and the tailor was like i dunno i was blindfolded
and the thief is like how about i blindfold you again
and the tailor is like oh well in that case
I guess I remember exactly how to get there
HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT WORK
anyway the tailor leads the thief to Cassim’s place
which Ali Baba has apparently moved into
because he came up with this clever plan
for making it seem normal that he is suddenly rich as fuck
his plan involves polygamy
by which i mean his plan involves marrying his dead bro’s wife
and then being like oh yeah she had all this money
it is mine now
hooray
but anyway this has the unintentional side effect
of making Ali Baba be in Cassim’s house
which is the house the thieves have decided they are going to fuck up
all of this is to say that the lesser thief finds the house
and he puts a mark on the door
so he’ll remember it
and then he goes back to his dudes
and that night they go into the city to murder some folks
BUT MORGIANA IS TOO CLEVER FOR THIS PLOY
she happens to notice some sketchy looking dude
making a highly suspicious mark on her front door
and she just goes outside
and copies that mark onto like every door in town
so when the thieves come that night
they either have to go home
or murder everybody in town
WIN WIN
so when the thieves show up they are like what the fuck is this
and then the lesser thief is executed

SO THE NEXT DAY A NEW THIEF GOES INTO TOWN
and he finds the same tailor
and the tailor leads him to the same house
but THIS GUY is a clever motherfucker
see he marks the house by taking a chunk out of the front step
except then Morgiana just does THAT to all the other houses
and THAT dude gets executed

SO THEY TRY THIS SHIT AGAIN
AND A NEW THIEF FINDS THE HOUSE
and this dude is about to try like
pissing all over the welcome mat or something
when he is like wait
here’s an idea
why don’t I try REMEMBERING WHAT THIS HOUSE LOOKS LIKE
BRILLIANT
so that night the thieves are pretty sure they’re gonna get some murdering in

so the remaining 38 dudes come up with yet another shitty plan
basically the leader of the thieves is gonna pretend to be a merchant
and then he is going to have 38 jars of oil with him
and he is going to go to Ali Baba’s place
and be like dude can you hook a brother up with some lodgings
and then when he is inside all the thieves are going to murder everyone
so basically this is like the trojan horse
except instead of a horse
it’s a dude who wants to crash on your couch for free
and store his huge truckload of suspicious wares in your house
i call it
THE TROJAN DRIFTER

anyway Morgiana sees right through this shit too
and she is just like well if these are all full of oil
i guess you won’t mind if I pour some BOILING OIL IN THEM
so she does that
and all the thieves scream and die
and then the thief chieftan (thieftan) escapes
to plot even MORE USELESS REVENGES
TO WIT:
over the course of like TEN YEARS
this dude sets himself up as a merchant
befriends Ali Baba’s son
and is all set to murder the shit out of him
when MORGIANA ONCE AGAIN PIERCES THROUGH HIS THICK COATING OF BULLSHIT
PICKS UP A DAGGER
DOES A SEXY DANCE WITH IT TO DISTRACT EVERYONE
AND THEN STABS HIM IN THE FUCKING MOUTH
at which point Ali Baba is like jesus christ woman
you know what
you get to stop being a slave
in fact
marry my son
seriously you are like solely responsible for me not dying
ABOUT FOUR MILLION TIMES OVER
and then everyone is rich as fuck forever

so the moral of the story is
fuck self sufficiency
get slaves

THE END.