alright guys
just got commissioned to tell the story of the holy grail
by sexy action hero Chuck “The Joy of Killing” Manslaughter
but here is the problem my friends
THERE ARE ALL KINDS OF DUDES WHO ARE LOOKING FOR THE GRAIL
AND YOU GUYS DON’T KNOW JACK SHIT ABOUT WHO THEY ARE
so for the next week or so
I am going to be telling you EXACTLY who those fuckers are
starting RIGHT NOW
with Percival

alright so Percival right

some people call him Parcifal or whatever
but those people have speech impediments
anyway this kid is the youngest son of this dude King Pellenor
(this shit is going to be RIFE with hyperlinks in a couple weeks)
and let me give you a quick rundown of Percival’s family tree
King Pellenor:
DEAD
His brother Tor:
KNIGHT OF THE ROUND TABLE
his brothers Aglavale Lamorak and Dornar:
DITTO
his mother:
FREAKING THE FUCK OUT
she is like shit man
I am dishing out sons like clean needles to heroin junkies
SHIT HAS GOT TO STOP
oh I know
how about I raise my remaining son AS A WOMAN
THEN HE WILL NEVER BECOME A KNIGHT
DING DING PERFECT

so percival gets raised as a woman
he learns how to crochet and knit and embroider
and not use swords
and tuck in his balls
except then one day he is playing dolls with his sister
and he hears some shit going on outside the castle walls
and he is like WHOA WHAT IS THAT
and he climbs up and sees some fucking KNIGHTS
and he is like hey hey mom
what the fuck are those things they look AWESOME
and his mom is like uh er oh
those are angels
clearly
you get to be those when you die
so Percival runs over to his sister
and he is like hey sis
i need you to do me a favor
kill me with a rock so i turn into an angel
GREAT JOB PROTECTING YOUR SON FROM HARM SHITTYMOM
but luckily his sister is like ew no
what
and Percival is like FUUUUUUCK FINE
and proceeds to just sneak out of the castle
for the first time ever
to go see what these knights are all about

so he runs up to the knights and he hides in the bushes
which scares the shit out of everybody’s horses
and the knights are like WHOA HEY
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU
WHY ARE YOU WEARING A DRESS
ARE YOU GAY SON
IS THAT WHAT’S GOING ON HERE
and percival is like what
i expected angels to yell less
and the knights are like SON WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT
WE ARE KNIGHTS WE MURDER SHIT
and percival is like oohhhh okay
so i’ve been lied to by my mom i guess
hey can I also be a knight?
and they are like WELL NO YOU’RE STILL LIKE 12
BUT COME HIT US UP WHEN YOU GROW PUBES
YOU CAN TOTALLY BE A KNIGHT AT THAT JUNCTURE

so percival goes back home
and his mom is like where the fuck were you
and percival is like nevermind that
as soon as I am a man i’m gonna be a knight
LOOKS LIKE YOU FUCKED UP PROTECTING ME WOMAN
and his mom is like fuck shit fuck
but then she’s like no calm down shittymom
you can handle this
all you gotta do
is keep telling him he’s twelve years old
FOREVER
HE’LL TOTALLY BELIEVE ME WHAT A FOOLPROOF PLAN

so she proceeds to do this for YEARS AND YEARS
until Percival is 16
which is the agreed upon age
at which dudes can just start murdering each other
at which point some random asshole knight
just shows up
kicks down the gates of the castle
and prepares to rape the shit out of Percival’s mom and sister
and percival shows up
remember
he is still wearing a dress
and the evil knight is like WHOA YOU ARE AN UGLY BITCH
and percival is like am i really
and the knight is like SHIT YEAH TARTNUGGET
and percival is like could a really ugly bitch
pick you up bodily and throw you over the castle walls
such that you EXPLODE INTO SEVERAL PIECES
and the evil knight doesn’t say anything
because it is hard to say things when you are exploded into pieces

so then percival unties his sister and his mom
and he’s like hey mom
i think i might be an adult now
i mean i just murdered a dude and everything
but his mom is like no son that wasn’t even a big deal what you just did
and percival is like well what about my moustache
and his mom is like no son that is a skin disease
and this creates for percival some SERIOUS BODY IMAGE ISSUES

and then some MORE time passes
and one day percival and his mom and sister are all knitting or whatever
and a fucking COCKATRICE shows up
GUYS DO YOU KNOW WHAT A COCKATRICE IS?
I BARELY EVEN FUCKING KNOW
SOME KIND OF LIKE
PARALYZING ACID BIRD?
DOES IT TURN YOU TO STONE?
DOES IT MELT YOU?
IT DEPENDS ON WHETHER YOU TRUST THOMAS BERGER
OR DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS
AND I WOULD NOT TRUST THOMAS BERGER WITH ANYTHING
HE IS AN EXCEEDINGLY SKETCHY GUY
but anyway it doesn’t matter
because percival just tears a TREE out of the ground
turns it into a spear
then THROWS IT INTO THAT MOTHERFUCKER’S EYE
and while the cockatrice is like crying and bleeding acid
percival turns to his mom and sister
like guys
i think i am probably a man at this point
that felt pretty manly what i just did
and his mom is like NO SON THAT WAS JUST A DOG
and percival is like BITCH I HAVE SEEN DOGS BEFORE
I AM GOING TO GO BE A KNIGHT NOW SO JUST CHILL THE FUCK OUT
and he leaves
and presumably
since he is no longer at home to protect them
his mom and sister proceed to get eaten by a fucking chimera

so the first thing that happens on the road
is percival is walking along
STILL IN A DRESS MIND YOU
HE DID NOT THINK TO TRY AND LOOT SOME MANCLOTHES
FROM THE FUCKING CASTLE HE LIVES IN
anyway he comes across a tinker
and he’s like dude what’s good
and the tinker is like HAHAHA YOU FUCKING SODOMITE
and percival picks him up bodily and shakes him a little
and then is like dude i just need to know where to sell my clothes
which are made of gold and silk and shit
and the tinker is like uh well oh
just give those to me
and i will give you my shitty wagon full of worthless tin
and also this donkey I ride around on
and percival is like CAN DEALS GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS?

so the tinker goes off to sell the fuck out of percival’s shit
and meanwhile percival makes some shitty armor out of all the tin
and then he makes some shitty weapons out of the wagon
and then he can’t even ride the donkey cause he’s too heavy
meanwhile the tinker gets arrested in the next town
because everyone is like you total prick
i bet you stole that shit
but then it’s ok because percival shows up
and is like guys it’s cool he’s not a thief i’m just stupid
and everyone is like oh ok
let’s believe the dude with the potlid for a hat
THUS PERCIVAL RIGHTS HIS FIRST WRONG
PERCIVAL: ULTIMATE KNIGHT?

anyway then pretty quick after that
he finds a damsel in distress
she’s chained up in a shack
and he just snaps the chains by kind of looking at them funny
and then the evil knight who put her there shows up
and is like ok dude
you look like a fucking clown
so here’s what we’re going to do
you tell me some jokes
and for each one that is funny
i will give you a gold coin
and then for each one that is not funny
you get to eat some shit from my horse
sound fair?
and percival is like how about I kill you instead
and the knight is like NOT FUNNY
LET ME GET SOME HORSESHIT FOR YOU TO EAT
and then percival is like dude now you have shit on your hands
you’re going to die with shit on your hands
that’s embarassing
and then he proceeds to kill him and take all his possessions

BUT HERE IS THE PROBLEM
all of that evil knight’s possessions
INCLUDES that damsel in distress
and it turns out that damsel is bitch of the year TEN YEARS RUNNING
she is constantly complaining about the dust and the heat
and gnats and flies
and like the lack of color television and bullet trains
but percival is such a nice dude
he just keeps trying to make her happy
while she tries to make him AS MISERABLE AS POSSIBLE
but at least when they bed down for the night
after forcing percival to build her a shelter
and then sleep outside in the rain
in his armor
WHICH IS THE ONLY CLOTHES HE HAS
she does invite him inside and have sex with him
although to be honest percival has no idea what’s going on
he’s just kind of like whoa what
what are you doing
stop moving around so much
whoa now
hey there
WE HAVE DIFFERENT SHAPED GENITALIA WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THEM
and then the day after
when some piece of shit lesser knight
who is somehow from the round table
insults percival and then tries to kill him
and percival just kind of snaps his arm in half
this worthless bitch of a damsel is like welp
this guy is clearly more of an asshole than you are percival
i guess I better start fucking HIM now
and percival finally doesn’t have to deal with her shit anymore

BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN HE HAS NO SHIT TO DEAL WITH
no pretty much this whole story
is a great big deluge of shit
a torrential downpour of feces
laser targeted on percival
but luckily
PERCIVAL SEEMS TO BE MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF UMBRELLAS
anyway the next thing that happens
is percival is like about to get to camelot
when Lancelot sees him
now see lancelot is out in the orchards of Camelot
boning the shit out of King Arthur’s Wife Guenevere
(more on that later)
when he sees Percival wearing that sweet armor
that he stole from that other prick earlier
but see the problem with this armor
is that on the shield
there is a picture of a unicorn MURDERING A LION
GUYS I DIDN’T KNOW UNICORNS COULD MURDER LIONS
SUDDENLY I AM WONDERING ABOUT OTHER THINGS
CAN CUPCAKES BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF DINOSAURS?
CAN RAINBOWS MURDER THE PRESIDENT?
anyway Lancelot actually has two problems with this picture
problem one: Lancelot’s favorite animal is Lions
problem two: the unicorn reminds him of his erectile dysfunction
so BOOM
suddenly it is fight time
here are our contestants:
Lancelot
greatest knight in the world
versus Percival
dude who just stopped wearing dresses yesterday
BUT GUESS WHO WINS
YES IT IS PERCIVAL
BECAUSE THIS IS A STORY ABOUT PERCIVAL
I WILL TELL YOU STORIES WHERE LANCELOT WINS THINGS ANOTHER TIME
yeah i don’t know how he does it
i mean it’s not like he has sword training or anything
the closest he has is embroidery training
and that isn’t close at all
but he somehow manages to just romp and stomp Lancelot
up to the point where he fucking knocks the sword out of Lancelot’s hands
at which point Percival is like whoa timeout
and Lancelot is like what?
you’re not going to kill me or anything?
and Percival is like dude you were winning
i think you just accidentally dropped your sword or something
and Lancelot is like I LIKE A DUDE WHO PLAYS TO MY BRUISED EGO
COME LET ME INTRODUCE YOU TO KING ARTHUR

so lancelot takes Percival over to Arthur’s place
and Arthur is like who is this asshole
and Lancelot is like his name is percival
you should just go ahead and knight him right away
trust me
and arthur
who is pretty senile at this point in the story
is like yeah sure whatever
and he knights percival
and then percival is like sweet so i’m a knight now
got any quests?
and arthur is like hm shit
we kind of ran out of quests
back when I ERADICATED ALL CRIME IN ENGLAND
basically what all the knights are doing now
is looking for the Holy Grail
i’m not even entirely sure what that thing is
or where it is
or even if it exists
but they’re all out looking for it
basically because there isn’t much else to do
so how about you do that?
and Percival is like THAT SOUNDS AMAZING
and THAT is how Percival starts questing for the Grail

So the moral of the story
is you should make all your male children wear dresses
and lie to them repeatedly about their age
it will make them THE ULTIMATE FIGHTERS

THE END

Ok so look guys

I know you are all itching to get all up on some ADVANCED arthurian shit
Like Morgan Lefay and Sir Gallahad and Tristram and whatnot
but there are people here
as of yet UNINITIATED IN THE RIGORS OF THE CANON
whoa shit did someone just write an english paper in here
i mean anyway
what is important right now
is that we get the basics covered
because i can’t very well tell you a story about king arthur
if he isn’t even a fucking KING yet can I

Ok so merlin straight up steals a baby
you may remember that part from Saturday
anyway about ten minutes pass
before merlin realizes that he is TOTALLY UNDEREQUIPPED FOR FATHERHOOD
he in fact has absolutely no idea how babies work
like what the fuck are these?
tiny hands?
GET SOME REGULAR SIZED HANDS ASSHOLE
OH YOU WANT FOOD NOW?
WHERE DID ALL THIS POOP COME FROM?
OH NO TIME TO WORRY ABOUT THAT HERE COMES MILKY WHITE VOMIT
BABIES ARE BASICALLY GOD’S LITTLE BOOBY TRAPS
so he decides to solve this problem
in much the same way that he solves all of his problems
WITH GRATUITOUS TELEPORTATION
so he just appears in this dude Hector’s garden
and is like hey dude i found this baby
it’s going to need fifteen years of fatherhood
you have some fatherhood lying around right?
and Hector is like shit man let me ask my wife
and Merlin is like FUCK THIS I’M BORED
and he disappears with the baby
but PLOT TWIST
he actually just teleported it onto Hector’s wife’s tits
WHICH ARE ONLY ABOUT MAYBE TWENTY FEET AWAY
HE COULD HAVE JUST WALKED INTO THE NEXT ROOM
AND HANDED THE BABY TO HER
MERLIN: PERHAPS TELEPORTING TOO MUCH?
anyway Hector’s wife is pretty much fine with this
for no rational reason whatsoever
except i guess women like babies?
wait that’s not a rational reason i forgot
anyway from that day on Arthur is hector’s son I guess

or should I say SECOND son
because Hector already has a son
named Kay
which pisses me off
because it reminds me of that fucking diamond jingle
and diamonds piss me off
they are so fucking smug and expensive
and you can’t even teach them a lesson by crushing them
because GUESS WHAT THEY’RE INDESTRUCTIBLE
anyway Arthur and Kay grow up together
and Hector decides they are going to be knights
because dammit he’s a knight
and his daddy was a knight
and if you look back at his family tree
it’s KNIGHTS ALL THE WAY DOWN
so they get trained in basically every way you can murder
and Arthur is INVARIABLY BETTER at EVERYTHING
which naturally pisses Kay off
but Kay was a little bitch to begin with so it’s okay

Meanwhile Merlin is living about two miles down the street
willfully ignoring the existence of this child he stole
until fifteen years have passed
and Uther has died of Siphyllus
at which point the archbishop of canterbury calls merlin up
like yo merlin we’re kind of fucked right now
we don’t have a king anymore
and all the bastard children he fathered are basically retards
his wife isn’t even hot anymore
she got really unbelievably fat somewhere along the line
oh and also the Saxons are invading
can you hook a brother up with a king right quick
and Merlin is like I HAVE A PLAN
IT IS A PLAN I HAVE HAD FOR A WHILE
IT INVOLVES TELEPORTING
so he teleports to Canterbury cathedral
and WHAM WHIZZOW KADABAZANG
makes this stone appear
with an anvil on it
and a sword in the anvil
and the archbishop is like oh well that’s cool i guess
but what’s the fucking point
and merlin is like ONLY THE TRUE HEIR TO THE THRONE CAN TAKE OUT THE SWORD
and the archbishop is like oh sweet
well
I guess let me know when he shows up

SO WORD GETS AROUND
and pretty soon every dude who owns a chainmail cocksock is there
trying to pull out this sword
INCLUDING Arthur and Kay and Hector
although really they don’t try to pull it out immediately
because there’s prolly a huge line
and it’s really hot out
and anyway it’s a goddamn carnival of failure over there
so what’s the fucking point
in any case Kay is actually a little famous at this point
i guess because his training has overcome his natural pussitude
but he’s still kind of a tool
anyway days pass
and NO ONE can pull this damn sword out
so they get bored
and decide to beat the shit out of each other
IN A GENTLEMANLY FASHION
so they have a tournament

now arthur is too young to be in the tournament
i guess it’s fine to fuck 11 year old girls in this world
but a 15 year old star athlete cannot attempt to murder grown men
kind of a double standard
but anyway Kay enters in the tournament
and he actually does an okay job for a total pussnexus
but then he kind of gets too big for his codpiece
and decides to go up against some asshole like THREE TIMES HIS SIZE
and that dude just straight up SNAPS HIS SWORD IN HALF
although luckily it is not possible to emasculate Kay
since he WASN’T A TRUE MAN TO BEGIN WITH
here’s why:

so kay goes crying back to the sidelines
and he’s like ARTHUR ARTHUR
GET ME A NEW SWORD
and Arthur is like I’M ON IT
so he runs back to his dad’s tent
but no one is there
and they are OUT OF SWORDS
GUYS
IF YOU’RE A BUNCH OF KNIGHTS
YOU DON’T WANNA BE CAUGHT WITHOUT ANY SWORDS
SWORDS ARE LIKE TOILET PAPER FOR KNIGHTS
SOMETIMES THEY ACTUALLY ARE TOILET PAPER FOR KNIGHTS
DON’T ASK ME HOW THAT WORKS

so arthur is like fuck
where am I going to get a sword
oh I know
there’s that sword in front of the cathedral
I don’t really know anything about it
because one of my superpowers is never paying attention
but I bet that would be a super sweet sword to give to my bro

so he goes
and he gets it
and he brings it to Kay
it isn’t a big deal
he just sort of lightly removes the legendary sword
from its indestructible pedestal
nothing to write home about
but when he brings it to kay
like hey bro i heard you liked swords
Kay is like WHOA WHAT WHERE HEY WHO WHAT UM
let me just go ahead and steal this sword real quick?
and arthur is like what do you mean steal i got it for you
and Kay is like DON’T SASS ME I’M KING NOW

so kay quits the tournament
and calls his dad back to their swordless tent
and is like hey dad
um so
I have this sword you might be interested in
check it out
and Hector is like I JUST SHAT MYSELF
and Kay is like so I’m king now right
and Hector is like BULLSHIT
YOU’RE A FUCKING PUSSY
YOU DIDN’T PULL THIS SWORD OUT OF THE STONE AT ALL
and kay is like yeah i did i totally did
and Hector is like OH YEAH WELL PUT IT BACK IN THEN
and kay is like what
who puts a sword back in something
that they have already taken it out of
doesn’t that defeat the purpose of taking the sword out of the thing
and Hector is like CLEARLY YOU HAVE NEVER HEARD OF STABBING REPEATEDLY
and Kay is like fuck fine
how hard can it be

WELL IT TURNS OUT IT IS HARDER THAN A PEDOPHILE AT A WATER PARK
Kay is just hunched over that stone
repeatedly failjabbing it with his wusshands
until arthur is like hold on wait a second
let me try
and he just proceeds to swordfuck that stone
long and deep
again and again
until everyone is more or less satisfied
with the idea of being ruled over by a tween
(although actually not everyone is satisfied
but we will talk about that later)
so at this point Kay is like fuck my cover is blown
oh well i guess there is nothing left to do
but beg my brother for a cushy position in his new government
and Arthur is like yeah bro i’ll totally hook you up
but hm
i guess this means you’re not actually my brother huh
pretty sure my dad is that crazy rapefiend who just died of the syph
he was kind of a shitty dad though actually so that’s ok
let’s never speak of it again
and then he goes on to be king and have adventures

so the moral of the story
is that ultimately the only trait
that will get you anywhere in life
is the ability to pull things out of other things
and then put them back in again

the end.

Alright so King Arthur right

OH SHIT WAIT SLOWWWW DOWN
because at this point in the story
king arthur isn’t even king yet
and in fact
he is not even born
it is pretty hard to be king when you are not born guys
because babies are stupid
and sperm is even stupider than babies
trust me i have tried to teach sperm to do all these tricks
but it just sits there
fucking worthless

ok so really the guy we should be talking about
is motherfucking UTHER PENDRAGON
my friends
if you have the word dragon
ANYWHERE in your fucking name
you are destined for greatness
and this guy is already basically as great as you can possibly get
because see
England has a bunch of kings right
but Uther
is KING OF ALL THOSE KINGS
that’s right
there are so many kings
THE KINGS HAVE KINGS

Now here is where the different tellings of this story diverge
that’s right
THEY DIVERGE BEFORE THE STORY EVEN GETS STARTED ASSHOLES
because when you are reading myths about king arthur
you have a couple of options
one is to read Malory
who basically tells it like it is
another is to read Howard Pyle
who takes Malory
straps a chastity belt on him
straps a chastity belt on the chastity belt
then dips the whole thing in a vat of shamesauce
OR you can read Thomas Berger
who takes Howard Pyle
chops his legs off
straps him to a jetpack
glues a pair of tits to his face
and sets him on fire
guess which one i picked

so like I said Uther is pretty much set for life
but all this glory hardly even registers
on his royal give-a-shit-ometer
because what he is concerned with
is banging some other dude’s wife
the dude’s name is Gorlois
and his main trait is that he has a hot wife
named Ygraine
so Uther is like HM
I WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THIS WOMAN
BUT SHE’S MARRIED
I KNOW
I WILL DECLARE WAR ON HER HUSBAND
THIS IS SURE TO WIN HER OVER
a tactic that has withstood the test of time

so he does this
and Gorlois’ first response is to just run the fuck away
leaving behind his wife in his castle
and getting the fuck besieged out of him in this other castle
i do not know whose idea this brilliant tactic was
but they need a medal

what this does manage to do however
is keep Uther from killing Gorlois pretty much indefinitely
at which point Uther actually gets ILL WITH RAGE
yes
some people are so full of fury that it can actually cause DISEASES
and he is like RRRRRRRRRR
WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK I WANT TO BANG THIS CHICK SO BAD
but then his pal ulfin shows up and is like dude what the fuck
you’re Uther motherfucking pendragon
the only limiting factor on the number of women you can bone
at any given time
is how many penises you have
look i know this wizard merlin
he can give you like
a plethora of dicks
you will forget all about this skank ho Ygraine i promise
and Uther
whose main talent is not listening to people
is like MERLIN OF COURSE
I WILL HIRE HIM TO HELP ME BONE YGRAINE

so he sends some dudes to go find merlin
and they all find this lake
and they are super thirsty
so they drink out of it
and BAM they turn into frogs
and merlin shows up like HAHA ASSHOLES
I’M A WIZARD WHATS UP
OH YOU NEED ME TO GO SEE UTHER
I KNEW THAT ALREADY
CAUSE GUESS WHAT PISSCORKS
I’M MERLIN
SPELLED M-E-R-L-DON’T FUCK WITH ME
and then he teleports to Uther’s castle
and all those dudes get eaten by monsters

So uther is crying tears of pure rage in his throne room
and WHAM BAM BAZZZAM
Merlin arrives
like HEY UTHER WHATS GOOD I HEAR YOU NEED TO GET LAID
and Uther is like YOU HEARD RIGHT
and merlin is like YOU’RE IN LUCK BUDDY
GETTING PEOPLE LAID IS WHAT I DO

Amauri Siegel done did this

ALSO BASICALLY ANYTHING ELSE I WANT
AT ALL TIMES
so here is what we are going to do
I am going to turn you into Gorlois
then
you are going to fuck Ygraine
also I will turn me and Ulfin into some of Gorlois’ dudes
cause why not
and Uther is like wait hold on
how much is this gonna cost
I am kind of cash poor at the moment
and Merlin is like whatever dude I don’t accept cash anyway
I only accept CHILDREN
and Uther is like whoa what
and Merlin is like dude you’re gonna have a kid with Ygraine
he’s gonna be a super great king
and since I am basically making his existence happen
through a winning combination of my wand and your dick
I get to be his dad
them’s the rules
and Uther is like I don’t know man
and Merlin is like have you SEEN Ygraine’s tits?
and Uther is like not as much as I would like to
and Merlin is like and you’re telling me
you don’t want some consequence free sex
with basically the equivalent of fourteen supermodels
duct taped to a missile
full of SEX PHEREMONES
and Uther is like i don’t even know what half of those words were
but i’m sold
let’s do this

so Merlin changes everybody into everybody else
and then he gets bored and teleports them all to Gorlois’ castle
and there are pretty much NO GUARDS AT ALL
they basically just waltz right in
except waltzing has not been invented yet
so they like
gallivant I guess
or sashay maybe
anyway they go inside and merlin just happens to know where Ygraine is at
and he takes Uther there and is like go for it buddy
so Uther goes in there and Ygraine is like whoa shit
hey husband I thought you got killed
and Uther is like less talk more intercourse
and proceeds win the all around gold medal in the vagina olympics
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
until finally Ulfin comes knocking on the door
and Uther is like WHAT IM TRYING TO GET LAID HERE
and Ulfin is like um well Gorlois is dead
and Uther is like SWEET
now I can stop wearing this shitty disguise
and just bang this chick regular-like
so he does that
for like several days or something
and she gets preggers
and then Uther proceeds to go on a completely unreasonable party tour
all across england
with his entire army
literally raping the fuck out of every woman over the age of 11
or actually he is not raping very much
but ALL HIS MEN are raping more or less nonstop
he is too busy boning his stolen wife
but then he kind of forgets about her for a while
and about the child she is carrying
and she gives birth to this little kid
named Arthur
and all of a sudden Merlin appears like
OH A BABY
DON’T MIND IF I DO
YOINK
and everyone is kind of perplexed by this
but they have learned not to fuck with Merlin
because fucking with Merlin is how you get turned into frogs
and then pretty soon after that Uther dies
probably from venereal disease but it could be anything

so the moral of the story
is if you want to basically just do what you want all the time
be a wizard
they seem to have that shit on lockdown

The End.