I can’t
I can’t even like
begin to introduce this myth
I just have to tell it to you
ready set go:

So buddha comes to Benares, right?
remember that, it’ll be important later
but meanwhile there’s this nun who really likes sick people
I mean she really likes helping sick people
nobody likes sick people
sick people are gross
but anyway this nun goes through this big ol shack full of sick people every day
and she’s like hey sick people
what’s up
how can i help you
and today there is a monk in there
who is sick because he fasted too hard, like an idiot
and he’s like oh please miss nun
I am suffering from a disease known as
severe meat deficiency
if you could hook me up with some meat broth, I won’t be sick anymore
HOLY SHIT
BEING A DOCTOR WAS FUCKING EASY IN THE PAST
YOU CAN BUY MEAT BROTH IN THE STORE

except no you can’t
it turns out that today is “No-Meat Wednesday” in Benares
and nobody can buy any meat
so the nun is like what the fuck do I do
this guy is going to die and it’s all my fault
oh I know
how about I cut off MY OWN FUCKING THIGH
and make soup out of it
YES
GENIUS.

So she does this unbelievably stupid thing
and she sends one of her servants or whatever to give the monk the broth
and meanwhile she bandages up her profusely bleeding thigh and goes to bed
because mutilating your body is sleepy work

so her husband comes home
(yeah, nuns in india get to have husbands
sweet deal
but apparently nuns in india also have to cut off their thighs and feed them to people
less sweet)
and her husband is like hey baby
howsabout I join you under those sheets and we rub our bits together
(this line gets me laid all the time
when i use it at the old folks home)
and the nun is like actually uh
I am kind of bleeding right now
and he’s like oh you’re on the rag?
no worries, I can deal
and she’s like NO DUDE I CUT OFF MY THIGH
and he’s like HOLY SHIT
HOLY SHIT
You are so
fucking
PIOUS
Oh man honey I am so proud of you

You know, where I come from, they have a saying
that I think applies to this situation:
WHAT THE FUCK?!
Like okay, one person mutilates herself
she’s crazy
one person mutilates herself
and then someone CONGRATULATES HER ON IT?
That’s not double the crazy
That’s crazy fucking SQUARED
this is a geometric progression of crazy

so anyway, buddha’s in town
(I TOLD you that shit would become relevant)
and he’s gonna give a speech or something
but then he’s like hold up
we’re missing a nun
where’s the nun at?
and her husband is like uhhh
she’s sick
and buddha’s like whatever
make her come anyway
and her husband is like I TRIED to make her come
(IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN)
but she can’t walk!
and buddha’s like dude:
WHATEVER
just fucking carry her or something
I’m buddha
you don’t flake on buddha

so her husband gets her and brings her there
and the very moment buddha sets eyes on her
her thigh grows back
like SCHLUP-POW
(if you make this into a comic you have to use that sound)
and then buddha is like okay guys
where’s the monk who ate this chick’s thigh
and the monk is like It’s me, I’m over here
dude I swear I had no idea I was eating a lady’s thigh
and Buddha’s like bro
that’s a pretty fucked up thing you did
you know there’s this weird thing that happens
where if a monk eats an animal
later on he gets killed by that animal
it happens all the time, it’s crazy
but I’m not gonna make this nun kill you
she did a really nice thing
and that kinda cancels out the shitty thing you did
or i guess the shitty thing she tricked you into doing
so everybody’s forgiven
yayyyy!

Okay so I guess the moral of the story
is that cannibalism is okay
as long as it’s consensual.

THE END.