Category Archives: German

The Goat, the Wolf, and the Cabbage, OR: Poor Purchasing Decisions

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A couple friends of mine made a game
and they named their stupid game company after this riddle
which happens to be VERY OLD.
When I told them how old the riddle was
they were like “holy shit we’ll pay you to do a re-telling of it”
and I was like “well I was just going to I MEAN YES PAY ME”
then I loaded up the post I’d already written
and changed exactly nothing about it
except this little preamble
about how you should seriously buy their really cool game
it’s about fooling nazis and you can watch me win at it on twitch sometimes
anyway, let me tell you about this dumb farmer and his problems.

Right so there’s this farmer
let’s call him Dick
Dick is not a very successful farmer
as evidenced by the fact that he has to go to the store
to buy a goat
a cabbage
and for some reason
a wolf
you would think if he needed cabbages
he could grow some on the farm that he has
the goat makes sense
but why the fuck does he need a wolf?
wolves are like the exact thing you want to keep out of your farm
and this dude is spending money
(which he probably doesn’t have a lot of
seeing as he can’t even grow fucking cabbages)
to ACQUIRE THE THING HE IS MOST AFRAID OF
that would be like being afraid of nuclear weapons
and so purchasing a bunch of oh
oh okay I get it.

Anyway the only store in the area
that sells both goats AND wolves AND cabbages
is on the other side of the river
so he rents a boat to get to the store
further increasing the cost of this errand
and then on the way back
he realizes he has a problem
i mean
he realizes he has a brand new problem
on top of all his previously existing problems.
The problem is this:
the boat can only hold him and one of this three dumb purchases.
if he leaves the wolf alone with the goat
the wolf will eat the goat
(this will likely still be a problem on the farm
also I wouldn’t feel great about having a wolf in a boat with me)
If he leaves the goat alone with the cabbage
the goat will eat the cabbage
and the grass under the cabbage
and the dirt
and any part of the mantle soft enough to chew
because goats are awful

so how does he solve this problem he created for himself?
SPOILERS:
he takes the goat across
then he takes the cabbage across
but he doesn’t just leave the goat there with the cabbage
because despite all prior evidence, he is not an idiot
no, he brings the goat BACK WITH HIM
and then LEAVES IT ON THE ORIGINAL SHORE and takes the wolf
then he puts the wolf with the cabbage
and goes and gets the goat
which has probably eaten half of the landscape by now
and the farmer lives happily ever after
until his long string of bad business decisions finally ruin him.

That’s the least interesting part of this story, though
the MOST interesting part
is that this riddle shows up fucking EVERYWHERE
Italy, Estonia, Russia, Scotland, fuckin Ghana
Ethiopia, Russia, seriously, EVERYWHERE
but my favorite version of the story comes from Zimbabwe.
Now in this version
our hero has acquired not three, but FOUR incompatible items:
a leopard, a goat, a rat, and a basket of corn.
He can still only take one thing across the river at a time
so what the fuck is he gonna do?
If he takes the goat across, the rat eats the grain
if he takes the grain across, the goat eats the rat probably
goats eat anything
if he takes the leopard across, he’s in a boat with a leopard
there’s no winning
so the dude is like “hmm
maybe i should get rid of one of these rowdy animals
then this problem would have a logical solution
but I can’t do that
these animals are like family to me
ever since I drove away my family with my dumb purchases
you know what?
fuck this logic puzzle
I don’t need to cross that river
I live here now.”
and that’s what he does.

So the moral of the story
is if you’re the kind of person who spends money on wild carnivores
don’t try to logic your way out of the problem
fucking own your stupidity.

The end.

The Nutcracker is a Total Head Trip

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For some reason I keep getting reminded of this story
so now I’ma tell it to you
BOOM

So it’s christmas
and this family is getting presents
there are all these kids and shit
but the only people who really matter
are this girl named Mary
and her creepy magic uncle Drosselmeier
Drosselmeier shows up at the party with a present for the kids
the present
is a WHOLE CASTLE FULL OF ROBOTS
that Drosselmeier built HIMSELF
because he is a BOSS
so Mary is pretty jazzed about this
but she is even more jazzed about this regular-ass nutcracker
which isn’t even a present for her specifically
but actually one of those cheapass gifts that people give “to the whole family”

that’s right
this girl thinks a dumb wooden dude who can break nuts in his mouth
is more fun than an ENTIRE CASTLE FULL OF ROBOTS
this girl is not my kind of girl, let me just say that right now.

So anyway, all the kids get in this big fight over the nutcracker
but Mary is clearly the most responsible out of all of them
so she gets put in charge of all the nutcracking
and then they proceed to crack nuts with the nutcracker
until the nutcracker cracks from excessive nut cracking
…
NUTS

So Mary is sad about this, but fuck it, who cares
she’s just some dumb kid
but so she ends up staying up late staring at this nutcracker
and it sorta turns into a tiny dude for a second, which freaks her out
and then the clock strikes midnight
and creepy uncle Drosselmeier is hanging out on top of the clock
like some kinda crazy time gargoyle
and then ALL THE SHIT HITS EVERY SINGLE FAN
cause like BOOM
RATS
ALL UP IN THE ROOM
and one of the rats has SEVEN FUCKING HEADS
so Mary flips out, obviously
and she falls over and busts open the glass toy cabinet with her elbow
and then the nutcracker is like FUCK THIS
only his jaw is broken so it’s more like FFUTH VISH
and he runs into the toy cabinet
and leads an all out toy rebellion up in those rats
except the toys are just some dumb toys
whereas the rats are AN ARMY OF GODDAMN RATS
AND ONE OF THEM HAS SEVEN FUCKING HEADS
so things are going pretty bad for the toys until Mary throws a shoe at the rat king
then she passes out from blood loss
cause remember
she just put her fucking elbow through a glass door.

So when she wakes up she tries to tell everyone what happened
but let’s face it
it’s a pretty dumb story
so everybody just figures Drosselmeier got her wasted at the party or something
but Drosselmeier, for his part
sits down with Mary to fix her nutcracker
and tell her the story of KRAKATUK
THE HARDEST NUT TO CRACK
(which is also apparently the story of why nutcrackers look so fucked up)

okay so basically what happens in the story
is there is this queen and she is making sausages
because apparently she is a pretty poor queen who cannot afford a cook
but then this other queen shows up
and this queen is the queen of the RATS
and she is like “Yo queen
I am also a queen
we are basically like sisters
you should let me eat all the lard for your sausages”
and the queen is like “THAT MAKES PERFECT SENSE”
so the rat queen and her babies eat all the sausage lard
and then the king comes home
and the queen is like “hey honey, I know you were looking forward to some sausage
but I thought maybe tonight we could try … a salad?”
and the king is like “NOOOOOO FUCK THAT GIVE ME SAUSAGES”
and the queen is like “Uhh the rat queen sort of ate them”
and the king is like “SCANDAL! SHE MUST BE STOPPED!
DROSSELMEIER!”
and Drosselmeier shows up inside his own story like “sup”
and the king is like “Oh man Drosselmeier
it’s a good thing you’re in this story
I need you to use your mad inventing skills
to build me THE ULTIMATE MOUSETRAP
put some robots in it, and some flamethrowers
put some cheese covered in rat pheremones
those rats won’t know whether to eat that cheese or fuck it
and while they are confused, we can hit them with hammers!”
and Drosselmeier is like “I will build you a mousetrap
but I might not take all of these suggestions you are giving me”

so Drosselmeier builds a better mousetrap
wait what am i saying
dude builds THE BEST mousetrap
and it is pretty much like a rat massacre up in the castle
for weeks and weeks
until the rat queen is like “Okay, that’s enough
time to retaliate for this mechanical genocide
with CURSES!
Hey king!
KING!
I’m gonna curse your daughter and make her be super ugly!”
and the king is like “OH FUCK
I’m really shallow
I don’t know if I would be able to love an ugly daughter.
THE MOUSE QUEEN MUST BE STOPPED”
So what he does is he buys like a hundred cats
and he puts them around his daughter’s crib
(oh by the way, his daughter is named Pirlipat
which is not the kind of thing you name a person who you don’t want to be ugly)
and he hires all these nurses to constantly pet these cats so the cats stay awake
but he makes a crucial mistake
which is that he doesn’t hire anyone to constantly pet the NURSES
so all the nurses fall asleep
and then the cats fall asleep
and then the rat queen
(whose name is Mouserinks
which again, is not a name for a good-looking person
but she’s a rat so it works
although it doesn’t work TOO well because she’s a RAT not a MOUSE)
rolls on in and puts her ugly curse on Pirlipat

so the king comes in in the morning
and he finds his daughter
with a big creepy grin on her face
and a cottony beard
and he’s like “DROSSELMEIER
COME FIX MY DAUGHTER’S FACE”
and Drosselmeier is like “well that’s not really my area of expertise
I mean I could build a robot to impersonate your daughter’s face
but somehow I don’t think that’s what you want”
and the king is like “FUCK YOU, FIX THIS ANYWAY”
so Drosselmeier goes out hunting for a cure for butterface

he searches for a whole month and doesn’t find shit
and finally he just gets sick of failing and calls up an astrologer
and the astrologer is like “Dude, it’s simple
the princess can only be cured of her ugly
by eating the meat of the nut KRAKATUK
THE HARDEST NUT TO CRACK
and the nut must be cracked and handed to her
by a man who has never shaved or worn boots in his life
and after he feeds it to her
he’s gotta take seven steps backwards with his eyes closed
WITHOUT STUMBLING AT ALL.
I mean it’s pretty much just common sense is what I’m saying.”

So Drosselmeier and the Astrologer go out looking for KRAKATUK
THE HARDEST NUT TO CRACK
they go out looking for many many years
and finally it turns out it was just in some thrift store down the street
and also the man mentioned in the prophecy is Drosselmeier’s nephew
which you’d think he might have thought of in the first place
unless he mistook his no-shaving, no-shoe-wearing nephew for a bear or something

oh and the king has totally promised the princess’s hand in marriage
to whichever dude can crack the nut with his teeth
so dudes are spitting out teeth like a toddler spits out antifreeze:
TOO LITTLE, TOO LATE
man, I gotta stop saying shit like that
anyway, then Drosselmeier shows up with his nephew, Hippie McBearpants
and Bearpants cracks the nut no problem
hands it to Pirlipat
then he starts walking backwards
he takes one step
two
three
four
five
six
OH SHIT HERE COMES THE RAT QUEEN
FUCKING SHIT UP AS USUAL
and the dude trips
and then the curse flies across the room and sticks to HIS face
so at least the cottony beard is gender appropriate now
but that’s a small consolation
because now this dude is so ugly that Pirlipat refuses to marry him
and so he is cursed to be ugly FOREVER
and I guess that’s where nutcrackers come from?

so that’s a nice story
and now the nutcracker is fixed
and Drosselmeier goes home
and Mary goes to bed
but then in the middle of the night she wakes up
only to hear the seven-headed rat king whispering in her ear
like “hey girl come over here, lemme whisper in your ear
lemme tell you something that you might like to hear:

I’ll bite your nutcracker in half from his teeth to his taint”
and mary is like “WHY DID YOU THINK I WOULD LIKE TO HEAR THAT”
but then she gives the rat king a bunch of candy so he goes away

but then what do you think he does?
he KEEPS DOING THAT SHIT
all the time
until finally the nutcracker is like “FUCK THIS
GET ME A TINY SWORD”
so Mary borrows one from her bro
and then the nutcracker just kills that mouse king
and brings back all seven of his crowns as proof
and then she is so happy to be rid of creepy rat voices
that she looks at the nutcracker and she is like “dude
I don’t care how ugly you are
I would still totally do you
that princess pirlipat was a biiiiiitch”
and BAM
all of a sudden Drosselmeier shows up with his nephew
who now magically does not look like a nutcracker anymore
but there is nothing to indicate that he has shaved or started wearing shoes?
but anyway Drosselmeier is like CONGRATULATIONS
YOU JUST WISHED SO HARD YOU BROKE THE FRAME NARRATIVE
HERE, HAVE A MARRIAGE
and then they get married
completely fucking with my preconception of how old Mary was

so the moral of the story
is you don’t need to actually go outside to find your soulmate
just profess your undying love to your action figures
and let the hotties come to YOU

THE END.

The Green Snake Eats Inedible Garbage

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re: shirts
they are almost done
the dude forgot to buy like half of them though
so that’s happening tomorrow
and then everything should go in the mail by friday
HOPEFULLY
SORRY ABOUT THE DELAY GUYS I AM TRYING VERY HARD
AND I HAVE BEEN TOLD THAT TRYING HARD IS WHAT MATTERS
ALSO I’M GOING TO BE ANNOUNCING SOMETHING REALLY COOL VERY SOON
BUT NOT TODAY MY FRIENDS
NOT TODAY

anyway here’s a story I had no idea existed until someone mentioned it
in the comments on another weird story i had no idea existed until someone emailed me
so yeah
here we go

so will-o-the-wisps right?
first of all
WOW
that name pretty much used up my hyphen budget for this entire myth
not sure what i’m gonna do when i have to mention them again
but second of all do you guys know what these things are?
they are basically just fire
if fire was an asshole
which it pretty much is
but not like this
see when our story begins
two of these fuckers are getting a ride in the middle of the night from some boat guy
and they get to the other side and he is like dudes
could you hook me up with some payment?
dunno why he didn’t ask for payment BEFORE taking them across the river
might have saved him some trouble
except WHOA WHAT’S THIS?
these wisp dudes just have a couple mini seizures and BAM
gold comes out of their bodies
pretty sweet right?

WRONG
because the ferry dude FREAKS THE FUCK OUT about this
he’s like YOU IDIOTS
THE RIVER IS MAGIC
IF GOLD GETS IN IT IT EXPLODES
PAY ME IN FRESH VEGETABLES PLEASE
and the wisps are like dude
if you’re not going to accept this FUCKING GOLD that we shat out
you are not getting ANYTHING AT ALL
and they start to leave
but whoa what’s this
looks like they CAN’T MOVE
wanna know why?
because the boat dude is magic
that’s why
actually lemme save you guys some trouble real quick
EVERYONE IN THIS STORY IS MAGIC
EVERYONE
you can’t take a shit in this place without it gaining the power of speech

anyway the wisps are like fine dude we’ll get you some fucking veggies
and the ferryman is like ok
it’s gotta be 3 onions
three cabbages
and three artichokes
don’t ask why
just do it
and then he boats away to try and get rid of all this fucking gold he has

so he finds some rocks
and he dumps his gold into a crack the rocks
and then he’s like well that was easy
and goes home
BUT LITTLE DOES HE KNOW
THERE IS A SNAKE LIVING IN THOSE ROCKS
a GREEN SNAKE
and so all the gold hits the snake on her head
(yeah this is a girlsnake
just to head off any confusion at the gecko
i mean getgo
haha get it those words kind of sound the same)
and so the snake wakes up and she is like hm what is this that hit me on the head
only one way to find out
I BETTER EAT IT
so she does
and WHABAM
suddenly she is glowing?
well shit
if she wasn’t magical before SHE SURE IS NOW
but i mean she was magical before
remember
EVERYONE is magical
this is a snake that can turn into a fucking bridge ok?
but we’ll get to that later

what’s important right now is that the snake goes out hunting for more gold
because apparently gold is SOOOO TASTY
and what she ends up finding are those two wisp dudes
just chillin out in the night
being fire and everything
and she’s like dudes
did you see any gold go by here?
and they’re all like WHABAM
GOLD ALL OVER THE PLACE
and the snake is like mm thanks
and the wisps are like hey bro
do you know where we can find this chick lily?
and the snake is like oh yeah
other side of the river dudes
and they’re like SERIOUSLY?
BALLS
WE JUST CROSSED THE RIVER
AND WE CAN’T TAKE THE BOAT BACK CUZ THE BOATGUY HATES US
and the snake is like chill out
i’m a bridge remember?
and the wisps are like actually we never knew that but that is useful info yes
and the snake is like also there is a giant
he has a shadow that can carry you across at like dawn or whatever
when his shadow is super long
also i probably don’t need to tell you this
but that giant?
SUPER MAGICAL
and the wisps are like ok cool thanks
looks like we can’t really do anything til tomorrow
better go play pranks on the elderly!
so they go off to be dicks somewhere else
and the snake decides that now that she is made out of light
she should totally go explore her dark-as-fuck lair
so she does

HOLY SHIT THERE’S A LOT OF STUFF IN THIS SNAKE’S LAIR
there’s basically this bigass temple
where there are all these dudes made of precious metals
there is a gold dude
and a silver dude
and a bronze dude
so it’s like the olympics
but with dudes
oh yeah except there’s also a fourth dude
who is made out of the other three dudes
not like voltron
but like
he is made out of a combination of gold silver and bronze
all winding around inside his body
so i guess like if someone melted the olympics in a bucket

but anyway the snake is hanging out there
and some old dude comes in with a lamp
and the kings are like fuck you old dude we don’t need your light
we already got a glowing snake
and the old dude is like you know my lamp only lamps when there are other lamps
and the kings are like oh yeah
why was that again?
and the old dude is like BECAUSE I AM MAGIC
and the kings are like right
how could we have forgotten
and then they ask him a bunch of stupid questions that I ignored
and then he leaves and now HE is the main character of this story

so apparently the old dude’s useless lamp is not as useless as it seems
because whereas when there is other light it is a light
when there is no light it just straight up turns everything in spitting distance
into PRECIOUS METALS
guys this story is confusing as fuck to read
but it would make such a rad animation
i know one of you has to be an animator or something
this could be your career right here
I’m serious I would love to see someone animate this story
I’d buy the shit out of it
here is the version I read
go nuts
but anyway he goes through some underground passages
turning everything around him into a glittering panorama
appropriate for a stereotypical gold rush miner’s fetish magazine
and then finally he gets home
and PLOT TWIST
it turns out his elderly wife is the elderly person the wisps decided to prank!
THAT’S RIGHT
THE EVENTS IN THIS STORY ACTUALLY DO HAVE SOME RELATION TO ONE ANOTHER
KIND OF
but yeah the old dude gets home
and his wife
whose magic power is being a WHINY TWAT
is like HUSSSBAAAAANNDDDDDD
THESE WISPS SHOWED UP AND COMPLIMENTED ME A BUNCH
AND THEN ATE ALL THE GOLD ENCRUSTING THE WALLS
AND THEN SHAT OUT A BUNCH OF GOLD COINS ON MY DOG MOPS
AND MOPS ATE A COIN AND NOW HE’S DEAD
ALSO I MAY HAVE PROMISED TO PAY THE FERRYMAN WHAT THEY OWE HIM
NOT SURE WHY I DID THAT
I GUESS I GOT DISTRACTED WHILE THEY WERE EATING MY WALLS AND KILLING MY DOG
and the old dude is like bitch calm down
I got a lamp and I am not afraid to use it
and BAM
out comes megalamp: ultra edition
and all the walls turn to gold
and their dead dog Mops turns into onyx
(the first time i read this I thought mops was just some mops
and i was perplexed by the huge deal everyone was making about them
but really that is their fault for naming their dog mops
what’s next
a cat named brooms?
a parakeet named dishwashers?)
and then the old man is like ok so i’ve got to handle all these problems now
here’s what you do
first of all go get your magic basket
because it’s not appropriate to walk around out there without being magical as fuck
then put our onyx dog in it
along with some cabbages onions and artichokes for the ferryman
and bring the dog to Lily who lives across the river and Lily will reanimate him
Lily will do this using SCIENCE
oh wait sorry i misspoke
I mean MAGIC
what the fuck is science why did I even say that?

so now it’s the next day and the old woman walks over to the river
carrying her magic basket
in which everything becomes incredibly light
EXCEPT VEGETABLES WHICH BECOME RIDICULOUSLY HEAVY
seems like the worst basket to carry vegetables in but hey
if a magic basket is all you’ve got
you use the fuck out of that magic basket
but on the way she sees that giant
remember?
the magic giant with the magic shadow?
well the magic shadow is like HAHA RUINING YOUR DAY
and grabs a bunch of vegetables out of her basket
and eats them
and the woman is like fuuuuuuuck
I don’t have enough vegetables to give the dude now
but this basket is so heavy i don’t want to carry it back to my house
might as well just give the ferryman whatever I’ve got
so she goes over to the river
and the ferryman is there like sup
and the old woman is like vegetables
and the man is like NOT ENOUGH VEGETABLES
and the woman is like well can we have this debt be on layaway
like can I give you these ones and go back and get some more
cause this shit is HEAVY
and the ferryman is like fine
but you gotta make a pact with the river
and the old woman is like what’s the consequences
and the dude is like nothing
IF YOU KEEP YOUR WORD
and the woman is like oh yeah whatever that’s easy
so she goes to shake hands with the river
and WHABAM
her hand comes out all black and shriveled
and she’s like AAAA
I’M SECRETLY RACIST THIS IS THE WORST THING YOU COULD HAVE DONE TO ME
and the dude is like chill out
it’ll get WAYYYY worse if you don’t give me those three vegetables
see it’ll get smaller and smaller
until it finally disappears
but you’ll still have the hand
like
you’ll be able to pick up things and whatever
you’ll just have an INVISIBLE HAND
so the woman
instead of being like SWEET
I CAN USE THIS TO SCARE TODDLERS
is like OH NO OH FUCK WHAT WHAT OH NO
and she goes and runs off and then I guess kind of forgets about it?
because she sees some hot dude in a shiny breastplate fresh off the ferry
and she runs over like hey boy
what’s your story
and the dude is totally sullen and not answering questions and whatever
but then he sees the stone dog in her magic floating basket
and he’s like WHAT’S THAT
and she’s like i’ll show you mine if you tell me yours
your story that is
but actually the guy just whines a whole bunch about how he misses this lily chick
you know
the chick everyone is trying to go see
i guess he’s in love with her or something
and maybe he used to be a king?
it’s never really made clear
but seeing as everybody is either kings or magic or both
pretty safe to assume he’s a king
actually i should tell you
right now this dude isn’t magic at all
but it’s cool because he will be later

ANYWAY
they realize that they’re both going to see Lily
even though this dude JUST came from there
so they start walking together
and GUESS WHAT
who do they run into but those FUCKING WISP DUDES
they’re invisible right now because it is daytime
but that does not stop them from causing a ruckus
so now THEY’RE going along with the chick and the dude too
and they get to this SWEETASS BRIDGE
they are like why did we not notice this bridge before
it is so sweet
you know why they didn’t notice it before?
because it is a magic bridge made out of the green snake
who is all hopped up on gold so she looks super pretty today
but they don’t realize that while they are stomping all over her spine
and it’s only once they’re on the other side that she stops being a bridge
and slithers on over and is like hey guys
i was that bridge
just in case you thought I was a snake who was not magic
nope
totally magic
got bridge powers
just letting you know
so are we gonna go see this lily chick or what?

so they all go to lily’s garden or whatever this place is
and Lily is this super hot chick
who gets hotter when she is sad
and is sad ALL THE TIME
because her magic power is the raddest of all
too rad for one woman to handle:
she can touch people and then they die
also she can touch rocks and they come to life
which is why the woman brought her stone dog there
but for the moment she has totally forgotten about that
and is like HEY LILY DO YOU HAVE ANY VEGETABLES I CAN BORROW
I KINDA OWE A GUY A LOT OF VEGETABLES
and Lily is like shit
good luck
all i got is bigass trees
oh and this dead bird
it was my only friend but it tried to motorboat me and my tits killed it
now i play this harp and cry all the time
and the woman is like TOUCH MY DOG
and Lily is like only if I get to keep it
and the woman is like sure whatever
so BOOM
now there’s this butt-ugly pug and Lily is playing with it having a ball
and she’s like old woman
go take this little bird to your husband and make him use his lamp on it
then i can bring it back to life and have TWO FRIENDS
meanwhile the emo king stumbles in like LILY WHY WON’T YOU PAY ATTENTION TO ME
WAAAAAA
and he bullrushes her and she sticks out her hand like NO
and kills him
and he falls over and she’s like fuuuuuck
i sure wish I’d been nicer to him NOW
and the snake is like HOLY SHIT LEMME MAKE A MAGIC SNAKECIRCLE AROUND THIS DUDE
IT WILL KEEP HIM FROM DISINTEGRATING WHEN THE SUN GOES DOWN
THAT’S A THING THAT HAPPENS
HOLY FUCK SOMEONE GET THE DUDE WITH THE LAMP
HE’LL KNOW WHAT TO DO
and the old woman is like ok guys
we were talking about my hand a second ago
what happened to that
what’s this bullshit
where are my vegetables
and the snake is like BITCH ENOUGH ABOUT YOU
GO GET THE WILL-O-THE-WISPS
aw fuck i went over my hyphen allotment
now i gotta go into debt with a wealthy hyphen-shark
FUCK I DID IT AGAIN
anyway the woman goes to get the wisps
and then what the fuck
BAM
here comes the lamp dude
how did he even get here?
who knows
all anyone knows is that his lamp apparently sparkles when people are in danger
like a bat signal of deus ex machina
and then birds always show up and take him where he needs to be
so now here he is
and he’s like ALRIGHT
GUYS
I GOT THIS
MY LAMP IS BASICALLY CONSTANTLY SHOOTING OUT GENIES AT EVERY AVAILABLE SURFACE
I’M SURE THERE’S SOMETHING I CAN DO
and then the wisps show up like how can we help
and the dude is like SHUT THE FUCK UP AND HELP ME STUFF THIS GUY IN THIS BASKET
so they take the old woman’s basket and stretch it out and stuff the dude in there
and then they drag everything to the river and the snake conjures a bridge
the bridge isn’t even the snake apparently it’s just a bridge
because the snake has to stay coiled around the basket
what the fuck
but yeah then pretty soon they’re on the other side
and the snake has to sacrifice herself for some reason
she’s all like i’ll sacrifice myself
but you guys gotta gather up all the rocks from the riverbank
and the old man is like seriously?
all the rocks?
why?
and the snake is like i dunno man
i was about to die and I kinda couldn’t think of anything
I choked ok
just get the fucking rocks
and then BAM they’re underground and in that chamber with all those kings
and they’re all super restless
oh yeah there’s some kind of prophecy about all this shit anyway
although I figure in a place with all this magic going on everywhere
prophecies are not that unusual
WEATHER FORECAST TODAY:
PARTLY CLOUDY
CHANCE OF GLOWING SNAKEBRIDGES
METAL KINGS WILL RISE FROM THE EARTH OR WHATEVER

but yeah they’re down there
saying stupid shit to the lantern dude again
and he’s all like THE TIME IS AT HAND
and oh yeah
the composite king is a total asshole
he thinks he’s going to rule over everything
BUT GUESS WHAT COCKMEAT
TURNS OUT DIVERSITY IS NOT APPRECIATED IN GERMAN MYTHS
YOUR ASS GOT EATEN BY WISP DUDES
or at least the gold parts of your ass
whatever the point is he collapses in on himself as he tries to stand up
and it’s pretty gross actually
oh yeah also the old man tells lily to touch the prince
which brings him back to life but he doesn’t have a soul
and that makes her real happy and she hugs the old man
which i thought would kill him
that would have been pretty funny
but nope he’s fine
he’s just TOO FUCKING MAGICAL FOR THIS SHIT
but yeah then the temple rises up out of the earth
and the old dude’s cottage gets trapped inside it I think
and then because of his lamp it turns into sweet silver radness
and they break out somehow
and the whole time the old woman is like WAAAA WHAT ABOUT MY HAND
and at this point the lamp dude is just like BITCH
JUST GO JUMP IN THE RIVER
ALL IS FORGIVEN FOR SOME REASON
I GUESS BECAUSE THE AUTHOR IS TIRED OF YOUR WHINING
and then the and then he turns to the soulless king and is like alright prince emo
time to get a soul or something
because the three most important things in life
are Strength, Wisdom, and Charisma
which are represented by these three kings
fuck Dex and Int
go over to those kings and they will give you presents for some reason
so the prince goes over there
and the gold king gives him a sword
and the sliver king gives him a sceptre
and the bronze king gives him a wreath
if I was an immortal metal king about to rise up and rule the world
i would not give these things away
but that is just me I guess
meanwhile
the dead snake becomes a first class suspension bridge all the way across the river
and then the giant wakes up and starts freaking the fuck out
knocking huge crowds of dudes off the bridge with his shadow
and the new king prince dude is about to try and kill the giant
but the old lampman
who apparently knows about ALL THIS SHIT
is just like dude
chill out
and then all the people who were busy crossing the bridge suddenly see this sweetass temple
and they go over to check it out
and they almost trample each other
except then the wisps start shitting gold on everyone and it distracts them
and everyone lives happily ever after
until the lampman’s bat signal goes off again and he has to do more crazy shit

so the moral of the story
is don’t take ferries
they are way overpriced
and you can probably find a snakebridge or a giant shadow for free anyway

THE END