So back to Zeus and the people he puts his dick in

this story actually has a twist
which i am going to give away right now:
in this story
ZEUS DOES NOT GET LAID
guys
this is like
if you were watching a movie
starring action hero BRUCE WILLIS
and he failed to die AS HARD AS POSSIBLE
or if you were watching a movie
starring kung fu legend BRUCE LEE
and he did not kick anyone in the face
or like
if you were watching LEGEND OF THE DRUNKEN MASTER
starring suicidal miracle machine JACKIE CHAN
and in the first scene everyone joined alcoholics anonymous
shit is straight up UNTHINKABLE
but i assure you it is true
it is true for a very good reason
see zeus has his eye on this choice piece of ass
this sea nymph thetis
only problem is
his brother poseidon has his eyes on this same piece of ass
and he actually has a pretty good argument why he should bone her
seeing as she is a SEA nymph
and not a POLYGAMOUS LIGHTNING nymph
but zeus is king of the gods and a horndog asshole
so he gets into a fight with poseidon
and finally they are like you know what
lets just ask the oracle at delphi
cause she always says SUCH HELPFUL THINGS
so they go to the oracle and the oracle is like
guess what
if thetis ever gets preggers
and has a baby
that baby is gonna be more powerful than his dad
and zeus is like FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
either I can singlehandedly invent birth control
or I can completely fuck up the divine chain of command
I LIKE being king
and i am too busy getting pussy to be a scientist
you can have her poseidon
and poseidon is like fuck no
i dont want no emasculating demon son
you fuck her
and zeus is like agh fine you know what
how about neither of us fuck her
i happen to owe a favor to this dude Peleus
he’s a friend of my son hercules
how about we just marry thetis off to peleus
and poseidon is like sounds good to me
so zeus and poseidon are like sup peleus
we heard your last wife just killed herself
because this other chick was jealous of your marriage
and told your wife you were gonna fuck a twelve year old
want a new wife?
and peleus is like well im still pretty broken up over my dead wife
and zeus is like this chick is hot man
and peleus is like
what do i gotta do
and zeus is like oh its simple
just go find her on this beach where she hangs out
and put her in a chokehold
and dont let go no matter what
bam
new wife
see what no one is really acknowledging here
is that zeus doesnt REALLY have the authority
to marry thetis off to anyone
all he can do really is give peleus some tips and tricks
in the art of raping
and also a crash course
in the science
of raping
so peleus goes to this beach and finds thetis totally naked sunbathing
and jumps out from behind a dune like
GOTCHA WOMAN WHAT NOW
and thetis is like HOW ABOUT I TURN INTO FIRE
and peleus is like THETIS MY WIFE IS DEAD I NEED A NEW WIFE
and he suffers some serious burns but keeps on holding on
and thetis is like WELL HOW ABOUT I TURN INTO WATER
and peleus is like THETIS I NEED TO GET LAID REAL BAD
and he is so desperate for lovin’ that he manages to hold onto WATER
and thetis is like OKAY IM A LION NOW
and peleus is like I DIDNT LET GO WHEN YOU WERE FIRE
WHY WOULD I LET GO OF A PANSY-ASS LION
and thetis is like SEA SERPENT
and peleus is like MORE LIKE SEMEN SERPENT
HAHA GET IT
I AM SO UNCONCERNED ABOUT THIS
THAT I AM MAKING SEXUAL INNUENDO
and at that point thetis is just like fuck this
id rather marry you than listen to any more of this bullshit
so they get married
and have a kid
no one important
just some dude named ACHILLES
and thetis is like you know what
i dont see any point in having a kid
who is not totally invincible
so im going to take this baby
and dip him in the river styx
and every part of him that goes underwater will be invincible
but hm
i have to hold him by something so he wont get swept away
and drown in the river of death
that would kind of defeat the purpose
so she holds him by his heel
and dips him into the water
keeping his heel totally vincible
the ultimate weak spot
and that is why
to this day
if you are trying to become invincible
you need to make a giant version of one of those wire loops you use when you’re dying easter eggs
dont fuck around

the end.

So there’s this cat Aegeus

he’s not really a cat
he’s a dude
but what he is
is impotent
but see they do not have cock doctors in Athens
which he is the king of
so he just keeps marrying different chicks
and testing their wombs
to see if he can grow kids in them
finally he gets fed up
and goes to the oracle at delphi
who is not a qualified physician at all
and so just makes up some bullshit riddle Aegeus doesnt get
so he goes and sees his smarter friend Pittheus
who is the king of this place Troezen
and is like hey dude
what does this riddle mean
and Pittheus is like haha oh man i totally get it
but how about instead of telling you the answer
i let you sleep with my hot daughter Aethra
and Aegeus is like can it be both
and Pittheus is like nope
and Aegeus is like SEX AHOY
so he goes on a boner bender with the king’s daughter
all
night
long
but see what he doesnt know is that Poseidon
is also fucking her
AT THE SAME TIME
IN THE SAME BED
not only is poseidon the god of the sea
and the god of the land
and the god of earthquakes and cows
he is also the god of STEALTH SEX
some people call that rape
i call those people closed-minded
anyway Aethra gets pregnant
probably because she is getting bonked by a GOD
and not just by some impotent king
and so before he leaves, Augeus takes a sword
and he takes his sandals
and he puts them under this reeeeeeally heavy rock
and is like ok
when my kid is strong enough to lift that rock
he can come find me in my kingdom
and have him bring the sword and the sandals so i know who he is
probably i will not recognize him
because i do not intend to be a good father
AT ALL
so Aethra has a son
his name is Theseus
and Theseus is really anxious to move this rock
and go adventuring
maybe he just wants to stab his asshole deserting father
i mean who does that
who goes through all that effort to have a kid
like to the point
of consulting an ORACLE
and then hides all the family heirlooms under a heavy rock
and leaves
anyway theseus is like 16 at the point
and his muscles are way too scrawny to lift this rock
so instead of waiting
or like
getting stronger
he just builds a pulley system
and uses that to move the rock
pretty crafty
so Theseus sets out to walk to Athens
the main problem with this
is that for some reason
every thug in the entire goddamn universe
has decided to camp out on this road
so the first dude theseus runs into
is called Periphetes
his gimmick
is he has a club
and he kills people with it
theseus cleverly gives him a taste of his own medicine
by beating him to death and taking his club
the next dude Sinis is a little more clever
he ties dudes to two trees that he has bent over
and then he lets go of the trees
and tears the dudes in half
what theseus does here is really inspired
see he takes Sinis
and he ties him to two trees that he has bent over
and then he lets go of the trees
and tears sinis in half
after that he kills some fucking wild boar
that just happens to fuck with him
and then he comes upon
the cleverest motherfucker yet
this dude is named Sciron
and what he does
is he hangs out by some cliffs
and when people come by he is like hey wash my feet
and when they are like durrr ok
he kicks them into the sea
and then they get eaten by turtles
now Theseus knows that this guy is not to be trifled with
he’s got to think of something really special
in order to outsmart him
so what he does
is he kicks Sciron into the sea so he gets eaten by turtles
at this point shit is starting to get a little predictable
but then Theseus mixes shit up
by just picking up this dude Cercyon
and crushing him with his bare hands
no bullshit
just raw manliness
then the next guy is the ultimate sonofabitch
his name is Procrustes
Pro
crust
eeeeeeees
his name sounds like something where
if you woke up and found it growing on your dick
you would call the CDC
but that is not even the worst thing about him
because what he does
is he offers people a place to say for the night
and he has a bed
and it is a really weird sized bed
which sucks
because if you are too big to fit in the bed
he chops off your limbs until you fit
and if you are too small
he stretches you
so what does Theseus do to this guy?
Does he, by any chance, put him on his own bed
and then chop off his limbs until he fits in the bed?
NO ASSHOLE
BECAUSE PROCRUSTES IS TOO SMALL FOR THE BED
SO THESEUS STRETCHES HIM
UNTIL HE DIES
you know some people call these punishments “ironic”
this is not irony guys
this is lack of originality
is what this is
but no one besides me seems to care about that
because by the time Theseus gets to Athens
he is extremely famous
so famous
that Aegeus is really suspicious
that Theseus is gonna try and take his throne
i mean remember
he has never seen this kid before
he doesn’t know who he is at ALL
so he is like alright smart guy
if you’re so great
how about you kill this cow that hercules left wandering around
all over our countryside
killing the men
deflowering the women
so theseus is like yeah no problem
goes out
kills the cow
and is like alright what next
and the king is so fucking thick
he still does not realize this is his kid
although actually it probably isn’t
it’s probably poseidon’s kid
but anyway
his wife medea DOES realize what’s going on
but she doesnt want Theseus to be the prince
cause she wants HER son to be the prince
so she is like hey hey Aegeus
you know what you should do
poison this guy
even though he has done nothing but good for your kingdom
and Aegeus is like sure why not
so he puts some poison in some wine
and is like hey Theseus wanna die
and theseus is like did i mention I’m your son
here check out this sword i found under a rock
and Aegeus is like OH SNAP
and then he turns to his wife like
BITCH GET OUT OF MY KINGDOM
so all is well for a bit
but then there’s a problem
see one of the lame things about athens
is that it is completely pussywhipped by crete
so every nine years
Athens fills up a boat
with seven men and seven women
and sends them over to crete
so king Minos can feed them all to his horrible cowson
the minotaur
oh also you might remember this from before
but the cow Theseus had to kill?
that came from Crete too
in fact that was the minotaur’s dad
Crete is all about cows for some reason
so anyway it comes time for athens to do this again
and theseus is like hold up
dad
i am suicidally reckless
how about you send me over on the boat
instead of one of the other dudes
and his dad is like
well i AM a shitty father
go for it son
so the doomboat sails over to Crete
and everybody gets off to go get sacrificed
but as soon as theseus gets off the boat
this chick Ariadne
who happens to be Minos’ daughter
sees him and is like DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN
I WANNA BITE OFF A PIECE OF THAT
AND CHEW IT FOR DAAAAAAAAYS
so she sneaks up to him
and is like hey
take this sword and this string
hopefully they will make you live
and then we can fuck later
and theseus is like holy shit
my day just went from awful to amazing
and it is all because of you and your tits
so he goes into the maze where the minotaur lives
ahem excuse me labyrinth
and he leaves a trail of string behind him
so he will know how to get out
because the right hand rule has not been invented yet
and he goes right to the middle of the maze
ahem LABYRINTH
and sees the minotaur sleeping there
and just straight up stabs it in the head
before it even has a chance to react
and then he flees the labyrinth
along with the 13 other people
see actually this raises a question
which is how does a half-man-half-cow
100% maneating BEAST
survive on 14 people EVERY NINE YEARS
but i guess it’s not really that important
cause the minotaur is dead anyway
so then Theseus flees Crete with Ariadne
and they go honeymoon on this island Naxos
where Dionysus sees Ariadne and is like
DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN
and steals her
which i think is really just code for
she was an alcoholic
and passed out in a ditch
and theseus abandoned her
so he’s on the ship with the other survivors
heading back to Athens
but he makes a crucial mistake
which is he forgets that before he left
he promised his dad
that if they were coming back alive
he would change the ship’s black flag to a white one
no matter that the ship is clearly sailing back
and sailing back requires a crew
Aegeus sees the black flag and is so retardedly depressed
he throws himself off a cliff into the sea and dies
maybe he even gets eaten by turtles
but actually
this turns out to be a pretty amazing political move
on everybody’s part
because Theseus becomes king
and Aegeus gets the whole sea he threw himself into
named after him
but just because Theseus is king
does not mean he is gonna stop going on adventures
fuck no
he sails to the kingdom of the amazons
and is like hey hippolyta
wanna get married
and hippolyta is like well i mean
it’s definitely against everything i stand for
as queen of the amazons
but ok
so they get married
and have a son
Hippolytus
what do i keep saying
Theseus is not a creative guy
anyway shortly after that
theseus is like PSYCHE
i am leaving you hippolyta
because i am suddenly more attracted
to minos’ other daughter Phaedra
gonna divorce you
get married to Phaedra instead
so on the day of the wedding
Hippolyta just kind of wanders into the ceremony
and kills herself
totally buzzkilling the party
then after that
Phaedra falls in love with hippolytus
who does not want anything to do with her cooch
so she gets all pissy
and tells Theseus his son tried to seduce her
and theseus gets double pissed
and tells poseidon to kill his son
so poseidon sends a cow
big surprise
to scare the shit out of hippolytus’ horses
and make him crash
but its ok because theseus totally apologizes to his son
as he watches him dying
then he starts looking for a new wife
he picks the perfect woman
helen of troy
only problem:
Helen is ten years old
but it’s okay
this is greece
pedophilia is in
so Theseus gets his friend Perithoos
and is like dude
help me kidnap ten-year-old helen
and then i will help you kidnap a chick
OF YOUR CHOICE
and Perithoos is like damn ok
so they kidnap helen
and then perithoos is like alright i want persephone
and theseus is like fuck seriously
and perithoos is like well i mean i can always take helen back home
and theseus is like shit fine
so they go down to hades
and hades surprises them
by actually being a good host
and inviting them in
like hey guys whats up
sit down in these incredibly comfy chairs
while i get some pomegranates for you
oh by the way i have no intention of giving you persephone
and actually those chairs you are sitting in
are made of rohypnol or something
they will sap your memory and you wont be able to get up
ever
dont fuck with my wife assholes
so shit is pretty miserable for theseus and his friend
until hercules comes down to the underworld to get cerberus
and is like oh hey Theseus
i was wondering where you were
hey nice job killing that bull i let run wild in your kingdom
and theseus is like FLUB BLUB BLUB BLOP
because he cant talk because of the roofie chair
and hercules is like oh dude let me just smash that for you
so he does
and then they totally forget about theseus’ friend
and theseus goes back up to the regular world
but all is not well
cause while he was gone
everyone got pissed about how he kidnapped Helen
and they sent her home
and then someone else took over the kingdom
so now he has to flee
and he runs to the kingdom of this prick Lycomedes
who is like sure theseus
you can definitely stay here
as long as you dont mind me shoving you over the edge of a cliff when you’re not expecting it
those athenian cliffs man
they’re brutal
so that’s how theseus dies
getting pranked the same way he pranked Sciron
and the same way his dad died
so i guess the moral is
don’t live near cliffs

The end

So listen the fuck up

there is this nymph Liriope
she is blue
literally her skin is blue
that’s not really important to the story
i’m just giving you all the facts
anyway one day she’s out near some river
and the local river god Cephisus
who no one has ever fucking heard of
is like daaaaaaamn
maybe if i rape this nymph
the other gods will take me seriously
start inviting me to parties and shit
so he half drowns poor Liriope by encircling her
with his winding streams
wink wink
and then at that point she really has nothing to do
but get seduced by him
and have his kid
this kid is named Narcissus
Narcissus is fucking gorgeous
like imagine if someone could look
exactly like bacon tastes
and you have a pretty good picture of narcissus
and so his mom is like oh fuck
my skin is fucking BLUE
and i STILL got raped
what the hell is going to happen to my kid
who is not even a year old and already has DSL
dsl stands for dick sucking lips by the way
so she takes narcissus to see the baddest motherfucker in the land
who is of course tiresias the prophet
and tiresias looks up from his work
which is beating snakes to death with a stick
whenever they try to get their freak on
and is like what do you want
and Liriope is like is my son going to get raped
and Tiresias is like bitch please
kid’s gonna be fine
just as long as he DOESN’T COME TO KNOW HIMSELF
and Liriope is like what the fuck does that mean
and Tiresias is like quiet woman i think i hear some snakes having sex somewhere
and runs off
so liriope is just like whatever
and narcissus grows up to be a strapping young lad
so strapping in fact
that by the time he is 16
every
last
woman
in his town
wants to bang the shit out of him
but narcissus is like sorry ladies
i have unreasonably high standards
based on my own appearance
so basically no one is happy
then one day
narcissus goes walking in the forest
where bad shit just generally tends to happen
and this nymph named Echo sees him
and of course being as this nymph is female
she is instantly head over vagina in love with him
there is a problem though
which is that echo is not just like
some kind of playful nickname
it refers to the fact
that she cannot say anything except for shit she has just heard other people say
like the worst parrot ever
but a chick
so she is stalking narcissus through the woods
not able to say anything
but i guess she makes some kind of noise
cause then narcissus is all WHO’S THERE?
and echo is like WHO’S THERE?
and Narcissus is like NARCISSUS
and echo is like NARCISSUS
and narcissus is like YES
and echo is like YES
and this goes on for a while
because echo can’t say anything original
and narcissus is kind of a retard
but eventually echo gets it into her head
that narcissus is totally down for some sexy times
so she jumps out of the bushes
and runs towards him
most likely totally nude
and narcissus is like hey totally naked hot nymph
allow me to introduce you
to my unreasonably high standards
unreasonably high standards
meet naked hot nymph
naked hot nymph
unreasonably high standards
so echo runs back into the woods crying
except she probably cant even cry
without hearing someone else do it first
anyway she gets pretty butthurt about the whole thing
and just mopes around the forest
until her body actually DISAPPEARS
and only her voice remains
and then she uses that voice
to pray to aphrodite
or actually venus because this is the roman version of the story
and is like fuck this dude up for me ok
im not sure how she managed to make up this prayer all on her own
but i like to think she probably did it
by hanging around the legions of chicks
who all wished narcissus was dead because he wouldnt bone them
so venus hears the prayer and is like DONE
and narcissus suddenly gets super thirsty
and the only water in the woods happens to be this deep pool
of crystal clear springwater
so narcissus starts drinking the shit out of it
but then he stops
because he realizes what he is drinking
is the face
of the most beautiful man he has ever seen
he falls so in love with this hunk of pubescent glory
that he pines after this dude
for like
days
until he realizes
oh shit
PLOT TWIST
the dude in the pond is actually a reflection OF NARCISSUS HIMSELF
because apparently
for the last SIXTEEN YEARS OF HIS LIFE
he has NEVER
SEEN
HIS REFLECTION
he has never taken a bath
or like
had a cup of water
or you know
stared REALLY HARD at a bald guy
he has lead a pretty sheltered life apparently
so anyway he gets REALLY DEPRESSED
and like rips off all his clothes
and refuses to eat
which just makes him more attractive to himself
but it also makes him dead
and he goes down to basically
the shittiest part of hell
and spends the rest of forever staring at his reflection
in the river styx
which is the grossest river of all time
probably all full of dead guy goop and like broken condoms and shit
meanwhile echo’s voice shows up in the woods
and finds narcissus’ body
and is like dammit
wish i’d kept my body
cant even rape his corpse now
and she kind of feels pretty bad about the whole thing
and makes a flower grow out of his corpse
so from now on every time you see a narcissus flower
just remember
that if you are beautiful
you should never drink water
it is too dangerous

the end

So there’s this chick Myrrha

she really
really
really wants to bang her dad Cinryas
who is also the king
she wants this because aphrodite makes her want it
because aphrodite is totally pissed at the queen
Cenchreis
for saying that her daughter is hotter than aphrodite
so anyway all myrrha can think about
is her dad’s meatpole
now obviously this is a problem
because her dad
is married to her mom
also incest is bad
so she takes the only sensible option
and tries to hang herself
only she does a pretty shitty job
cause her nurse finds her
and is like whoa now
i would be a pretty shitty nurse
if you killed yourself
whats up
and myrrha is like
man i dunno
i’m just pretty bummed
about all these laws
against like
incest
and adultery
and her nurse is like pish posh
you can totally fuck your dad
all you need is a little elbow grease
and like maybe some other kinds of grease
so they wait until myrrha’s mom is out of town
with all the other married women
at some kind of demeter festival
and then the nurse goes hey king
i know this chick
who is totally down for some sex
and the king is like
SWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET
my wife has been gone only fifteen minutes
but i am already starting to feel the burn
so that night
they turn down all the lights real low
and the king is super drunk
and myrrha goes and fucks the shit out of him
its great
they love it
they love it so much they do it for like
a week
and then one night myrrha fucks up i guess
like maybe she yells give it to me daddy
or thats right fuck me like you would fuck your daughter
or oh baby we are committing so much incest right now
and the king gets suspicious
and the next night he brings in a lamp
and is like holy balls
you are not just some hot young thing
with father issues
you are actually my daughter
what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck
so he responds logically to this situation
and he gets his sword
and just starts chasing myrrha all over the place
and myrrha is like shit shit shit
what do i do
where do i go
hey gods
how about you help me out
by turning me into something
that is not living
and is also not dead
because i’m pretty sure nobody who has ever lived
or died
is going to sympathize with my repeated incest
and the gods are like sure why not
here
you are a tree now
specifically a myrrh tree
because your name is myrrha
so have fun with that
but there is a TWIST
because myrrha is totally preggers
and like a few months later
her tree cracks open
and this dude adonis steps out
only instead of having like
eight heads
or eleven toes
or like some kind of hilarious speech impediment
what adonis has is the sexiest body this side of the black sea
i am not fucking joking
this shit is on fire
tiny woodland animals look upon his glistening pecs
and burst into flame guys
in fact he is so fucking hot
aphrodite is out going about her business
of fucking a bunch of dudes
and is like WHOA
that’s one dude i’d like to fuck
no matter that i happen to know for a fact
that he is an incest baby
and also you know
a baby
ok heres what ill do
ill just put him in a chest
and let him grow up a bit
and to keep him safe
i know
i will give him to the queen of hell
persephone
great plan
high fives all around
only the problem is
persephone also kind of really wants to bone baby adonis
and so when the time comes
and aphrodite is like hey i need my kidnapped man back
persephone is like no bitch hes mine
and aphrodite is like ZEUUUUUSSSSS
make persephone give me my sex slave back
and zeus is like man
i dont even want to deal with this
i am laying down dick like railroad track right now
i have a one way ticket on the transcontinental railroad
next stop
boner city
how about you guys take it up with Calliope
she’s a muse i bet she totally knows what to do
only Calliope is kind of just like shit man
i dont know
this is not my area of expertise
i am the muse of singing
what the fuck
how about you each get adonis for half of the year
and aphrodite is like
FUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKK
THAAAAAAAAAAAAAT
how about I make all the women in Thrace kill your depressed son
you know
Orpheus
so yeah that’s how Orpheus gets killed
but i’m pretty sure that the decision stands
so adonis spends half the year romping around
fucking aphrodite
probably getting a million STDs
and totally loving it
despite the fact that she locked him in a chest in hell for like
all of his formative years
but anyway aphrodite really likes this kid
and is like hey dude
let me give you some hunting advice
only kill animals
that are too weak to kill you back
and adonis is like durr ok
and goes off into the forest
and immediately tries killing
a WILD FUCKING BOAR
maybe that is where the inbreeding finally came into play
anyway obviously the boar kills him
just rips him to pieces
and aphrodite shows up when she hears him like
bleeding and dying all over the place
and is like aww man
dammit
and then adonis dies
and aphrodite gives birth to their daughter
named Beroe
who gets play from both dionysis
AND poseidon
so the moral of the story is
you should totally try incest at least once
because for every ten mutated squidbabies
you get one adonis
shoot for the stars

The end

Right ok

so recently you may have noticed
i have been talking alot about norse dudes
and like
the truly mindblowing proportions of their testicles
norse gods are pretty sweet
i cannot lie
but like
i kind of started to miss telling stories about people fucking animals
GREEK MYTHS IT IS
so there’s this chick Io right
she’s pretty hot
probably
or at least
she is a woman
who is on zeus’s list
of women he has not banged yet
which really at this point
probably fits on the back of like one of those comics
that you get out of a pack of bazooka joe bubblegum
so he is going down the list like HM
WHERE WILL I HIDE MY PENIS THIS FINE DAY
OH I KNOW
IO
but of course
he has to be REEEEEALY crafty
because otherwise
his WIFE might find out
so what he does
is he turns into a storm cloud
located directly on top of Io
and proceeds to rape the bajeezus our of her
meanwhile hera is like
hm
where could my husband be
couldn’t possibly be anywhere near that thundercloud
you know
the one that is absurdly close to the ground
and making rape sounds
AGH
ZEUS
and zeus looks up and is like what
and hera is like are you raping again
and zeus is like why would i do that
that doesnt sound like something i would do
i was just pranking this cow over here
and he turns Io into a cow
so in the space of probably like ten minutes
see i am not giving zeus a lot of sexual credit here
since he is essentially the captain of the varsity rape team
anyway in the space of like ten minutes
io has gotten surprise sexed
and then turned into a COW
and then it gets worse
because hera is not a fucking idiot
so she is like oh wow what a beautiful cow
i have always wanted a cow
for our anniversary
which is today by the way
i just decided
so hey zeus
give me that cow or no sex
and zeus is like aww
how did you know my only weakness
here take the cow
so hera takes Io
and then is like haha bitch
i’ll teach you to get raped by my husband
i’m going to tie you you on a tree
in the middle of a field
guarded by some motherfucker with a hundred eyes
named argus panoptes
and io is like MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
so zeus is watching all of this
well like
half-watching
half scanning his list of other mortal women to bone
and he gets a rare pang of guilt
so he calls up his homie hermes
and is like ey
i need you to murder a hundred-eyed monster for me
and hermes is like sure
why the fuck not
and he goes to where Io is
and he literally bores that fucker all the way to death
like he just stands there telling boring stories
like about what he did on summer vacation
and singing lullabies
until all of the dude’s eyes fall asleep
and then he cuts off its head
just to be safe
and unties Io
but again
this plan is not very subtle
and hera sees what is going on
and is like you know what fine
have your freedom Io
go nuts
and she sends a gadfly to just continually bite her forever
so Io goes nuts
and swims from the black sea to the sea of maramara
through the strait of bosphorus
and meets prometheus
still up on his rock
and before hercules kills the vulture too
so hes pretty miserable
and he is like damn girl
you are a cow what is up with that
but dont worry though
you’ll stop being a cow eventually
and you will be one of the ancestors
of this dude hercules
who will show up and kill this fucking bird
that is eating my organs
so great news for both of us
and Io feels a lot better
and she goes to egypt
and zeus suddenly realizes
whoa whoa whoa
if i dont make Io human again
how will she give birth to my bastard children
i dont want any cowbabies
no sir
so sure enough he makes her human
and she pops out two kids for him
epaphus and keroessa
and then she marries this egyptian king telegonus
hehe gonus
and basically she just lives happily ever after
so the moral of the story is
getting raped is never fun
but sometimes you swim to egypt and become queen

the end

This is gonna take a while

So there is this dude Hercules
some people call him Heracles
but for some reason that reminds me of testicles
and i do not want to be thinking about balls for this whole myth
so hercules is the result of one of Zeus’s many
many
many
affairs
this one is with a chick name Alcmene
he pranked her into sleeping with him by disguising himself
AS HER HUSBAND
but this affair has a twist
because see when hercules is born
zeus steals him
and takes him up to olympus
and while his wife is asleep
he puts hercules on her tits
and he drinks her milk and becomes immortal
bam
why does zeus not do this with all of his fucking kids

anyway hera wakes up and her tits hurt and she is like
what did you do zeus
have you been honking my tits while i am asleep
AGAIN
and zeus says no i just wanted my latest bastard child to be immortal
and hera says WHAT
I AM SO ANGRY I AM GOING TO MURDER THIS KID
and she sends a whole bunch of snakes to kill hercules in his crib
keep in mind he is a baby at this point
an immortal baby
being attacked by snakes
and the snakes do not even get a chance to fail to kill him
because he strangles them to death
pretty much without even trying
and then i guess at this point Hera realizes
oh right that’s what immortal means
it means i can’t kill him
okay well i guess what i should do then
is kill everyone he loves
(this is a pretty common strategy for Hera)

so she waits until hercules grows up
and gets frustrated with his math tutor
and breaks they guy’s face off in rage
and gets kicked out of his house
and sent very far away
and gets like
a wife named Megara
and some kids
and she makes him TRIP BALLS
so that he thinks that instead of a family
his house is full of HORRIBLE BEASTS
and so he murders all of the beasts
but it is a prank
the beasts are actually his family

so hercules feels pretty bad about this
and is like holy shit hera
how long are you going to hold a fucking grudge
i touched your tits with my mouth ONE TIME
when i was like A WEEK OLD
and anyway zeus made me do it
he said it wasn’t rape if you were asleep
so come on when are you going to lay off
and hera says well i guess i will leave you alone
as soon as you perform TEN LABORS FOR THIS KING I LIKE
his name is Eurystheus by the way
also i am going to interfere with you in every way possible
so hercules says ok
and he goes to Mycenae and meets this king Eurystheus
who is a massive prick
just this huge cowardly fuck parade
who demands valuable animals from all over the goddamn world
so let’s review
tit-grabbin badass who can murder snakes with his little baby sausage fingers
thumbs down
quivering mangina with a name like a congeital penis deformity
TWO THUMBS WAYYY UP
so hercules does some labors:

first he has to go kill this lion
called the nemean lion
it is just like any other lion
except that it is invulnerable
hercules is all shooting arrows at it
and those arrows want nothing at all to do with killing that lion
so hercules says fuck it you know what
how about i just beat it to death
with my club
and he tries that but the club is like
noooo wayyyy
so plan C is
strangle the lion to death
and that is what he does
he just biceps that fucker into oblivion
and then he is like well i sure do like this hide
i want to wear it as a cape
too bad it is fucking INVINCIBLE FUR
but then he has a great idea
and he uses the lion’s own claws
to skin itself
because he did not embarass it enough by choking it to death
so then he goes back to Eurystheus
and tosses the lion head into the throne room like sup
which scares six flavors of shit out of the king
and at that point eurystheus actually is so freaked out
he orders some dudes to build him a bronze pot
partially buried in the ground
specifically for him to hide inside whenever hercules shows up
now see if I was a king
and i had the favor of hera and everything
and i was such an all-gobbling pussy that I needed to hide from a guy
who was PLEDGED TO THE GODS TO SERVE ME
i would build myself like
one of those bookcases
that swivel around like from scooby doo
not something that one of my servants might accidentally shit in
anyway that was the first labor

so then Eurystheus gets through shitting himself
and jumps out of his vase and is like hey
hercules
heres one
why don’t you go kill the hydra
it shouldn’t be too hard
its only a massive poisonous swamp dinosaur with nine heads
and hey i mean
out of those nine heads
only maybe one of them is immortal
that is like
less than ten percent of the heads
you should be fine
so hercules gets his nephew Iolaus to drive him there
and they go and find the hydra’s cave
and shoot fire at it until it comes out to eat them
so hercules grabs it by the throat
and the hydra grabs him right the fuck back
and also there is a giant crab
but that’s really not a big deal
hercules basically just crushes to death
in between yawning and scratching his ass
and then starts beating all the heads to a pulp
i mean okay picture this
hercules uses a club as his primary weapon
with this club he is managing
to REMOVE THE HYDRA’S HEADS
AT THE SHOULDERS
this is pretty impressive but it doesn’t change the fact
that every time hercules beats off a head
hehe beats off
two more grow from the stump
so this thing has like 50 goddamn heads
by the time hercules has the idea
to have his nephew set fire to the bleeding stumps
after he rips the necks off
and this actually prevents new heads from growing
so they spend like 8 hours just doing this
not very exciting at this point
because once you figure out the pattern
the end boss is really pretty fucking trivial
so they get it down to one head
and then realize oh thats right
this one is immortal
but this does not stop hercules from cutting off this head
and then burying it under a huge rock forever
basically proving that having an immortal head
and a totally mortal body
is actually worse than just being entirely mortal
then he cuts open the hydra’s body
and dips all his arrows in its blood
because the blood is incredibly poisonous
and goes back to Eurystheus
who is again hiding in his fucking chamberpot
but he gets his balls up enough
to tell hercules that killing the hydra
totally doesnt count as one of the labors
because his nephew helped out
but nobody gives a shit
because hercules killed a nine-headed immortal death-lizard
and anyway every time he flexes
like fourteen kids have epileptic siezures
from the sunlight glittering off his ripped pecs
Labor 2:
FUCKING COMPLETED

so eurystheus at this point figures out that if he asks hercules to kill anything
ANYTHING
he is going to kill it
and then he is going to bring back some part of that body
and it is going to be too big to remove from the castle
and it is going to rot
and eventually the castle is going to smell like the inside of an ass
so he is like shit
i need to think of a task that does not involve killing
and is impossible
oh i know
hey hercules go bring me the hind of Ceryneia
(its just some fucking deer that happens to live like 50 miles away)
oh by the way hercules you cant kill it
because it belongs to Diana
the goddess of hunting
and the moon
and no sex
and ripping the dicks off guys who kill her deer
have fun asshole
so hercules goes to Ceryneia
and finds this deer
and starts chasing it
and the deer starts running
and hercules keeps chasing
and the deer keeps running
FOR A FUCKING YEAR
nonstop
like hercules is snatching up little woodland animals
and apples and shit to eat
and pissing on the run
and drinking rainwater
and also the freely flowing tears of this hind
which is being forced to run nonstop for 365 days
i dont know if he did that i made that up
i dont even think deer can cry
but anyway it is the kind of thing hercules would do
so after a year
the hind gets tired
and so does hercules surprisingly
and they are chilling out on this mountain
and then the hind makes a break for a river
and for SOME REASON
this is the ONE RIVER
that will somehow magically allow the hind to escape
so hercules just goes you know what
fuck it
and shoots the deer with an arrow
not one of the poisoned ones just a regular arrow
and the deer just falls the fuck down
and hercules picks it up
and starts walking the 50 miles back to Mycenae
but then he stops walking
because right in front of him is diana
also apollo
they are like sup hercules
and hercules is like shit shit shit
hera is already pissed at me
what am i gonna do about these guys
diana is like hey there buddy
what are you doing with that deer
and hercules is like uhhhh
taking it to eurystheus in order to atone for brutally killing my family so hera won’t make me hallucinate and murder people anymore?
and diana says well i appreciate your honesty
here let me just heal the deer and then you can totally have it
this is coming from a chick
who fed a man to his own dogs
for SEEING HER NAKED
there is clearly a double standard here
in favor of men with imposing chins and washboard abs
labor 3 done apparently

so Eurystheus does some thinking
like hmm
if i tell him to kill an animal he does it
and if I tell him not to kill an animal
he also can do that
but at least with the second option
i do not have dead bodies in my house
so lets try that again
and he tells hercules to bring him this boar
living on a mountain called Erymanthus
he actually had kind of a good reason for asking hercules to do this
cause every day around lunchtime
the boar would come charging down the mountain
and just skullfuck the countryside with its tusks
running straight through houses and shit
salting the fields
deflouring the women
basically the boar is no big deal for hercules
he shows up and just pretty much yells at it a lot
and scares it so bad it runs into some snow and gets stuck and he puts it in a net
the REAL story is what he does on the way to get the boar
which is he goes and hits up his centaur homie Pholus
and they are sitting in Pholus’ tent eating dinner
and hercules is like dude let’s get wasted
and pholus is like i dunno man i only have this one jug of wine
and it is for everybody
i mean like seriously
all the centaurs
and hercules is like whatever man
and starts getting his drink on
the other centaurs smell the wine
and get understandably pissed off
and bust into the tent armed with rocks and TREES
ENTIRE FUCKING TREES
IT IS HARD TO UP THE ANTE IN THIS SITUATION
BECAUSE YOU ARE ALREADY ALL-IN
YOU WOULD HAVE TO DO SOMETHING CRAZY LIKE SET THE TREES ON FIRE
so hercules sets them on fire
by throwing burning wood from the fireplace at them
and then starts going to town on them with his club
then he busts out of the tent and sees a whole bunch more angry centaurs
he responds to this in the only way he knows how
with incredibly poisonous arrows
he kills a bunch of dudes
and chases the rest for about TWENTY MILES
not exaggerating
TWENTY
meanwhile Pholus is back in camp
looking around at everyone he has known all his life
dead because his buddy wanted some free booze
and he sees this little arrow in one of the centaurs’ sides
and is like what
come on
this is a pansy-ass fucking arrow
how did this kill this guy
and he takes out the arrow
and touches it
like a dumbass
and the hydra poison kills him instantly
so hercules gets back to camp
and everybody is dead
and he’s like welp
guess they won’t be needing this wine after all
and then buries pholus
and leaves everyone else to rot and goes to get the boar
proving that the stronger you are
the drunker you can get
for free
also rules do not apply to you
murder is okay
anyway the boar freaks Eurystheus the fuck out
im telling you
it is shit city in his royal robes
it is a good thing he hides in a jar
because that jar is swimming in his waste at this point
i mean hercules just waltzes in
covered in centaur blood dragging a boar
like 4th labor: ACCOMPLISHED
what now bitch

so Eurystheus pokes his head out the top of the vase
like is the boar gone yet
you should get rid of that boar
and hercules is like shit son it just got here
you gonna have me just bring animals here
and then chuck them out the fucking window
why dont you have me do something useful
like punch a baby so hard it turns into a wizard or something
and eurystheus says i have a better idea
your main asset is your huge muscles
so how about i play to your strengths
and have you clean up after some motherfucking COWS
hercules says what did you just say
eurystheus says you heard me you schwarzenegger-looking son of a bitch
some COWS
TEN THOUSAND COWS
lets see you club your way through MOUNTAINS OF COWSHIT
yeah see i know this guy Augeus
he has a whole fuckton of cows
and he never
ever
cleans up after them
so how about you go do that
and hercules says what seriously
i could tear a cow in half like a phone book
with my balls
and you want me to do farmer bullshit
and eurystheus says fine dick
not hard enough for you?
how about you have to do it in a day
and hercules says fuck just kill me now
oh wait
immortal
totally forgot
and then he goes to these stables
he finds the king and is like hey dude i heard you have some cows
i heard these cows are covered in shit
COWSHIT to be precise
i may have the solution to your problem
but it is gonna cost you
one tenth of your herd
and Augeus is like hm well my cows are pretty fucking disgusting
but no
and hercules says how about if i do it in one day
and augeus says SOLD
so hercules just goes right out
and punches a hole in the barn wall
and then he walks through the hole
and then punches a hole in the other wall
meanwhile augeus is like WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
I THOUGHT I HIRED YOU TO CLEAN THINGS
NOT PUNCH HOLES IN THOSE VERY SAME THINGS
and hercules is like chill dude
i can do both
i am MULTITASKING
and then he goes over to a river
and he just sort of turns that river 90 degrees
so that instead of going into a lake
it goes into a shit-filled cow house
river is definitely moving up in the world
so the river fills up the stable
and washes out the pounds and pounds of high quality cowshit
and leaves through the other hole
and miraculously does not drown ANY cows
at which point hercules is like haha pay up bitch
and augeus responds pay what
see i heard you were working for eurystheus
and for some reason that means i don’t have to pay you
if you dont like that you can take me to court
so hercules takes him to court
and wins
and augeus is like ok ok fine
i will pay you
IN YEARS OF BANISHMENT
GET OUT
so hercules kind of just slinks back to Mycenae
ass-tired and covered in shit
and on top of that when he gets back
eurystheus says oh by the way that didn’t count
because you got paid for doing that one
and hercules is like but he did not pay me money
he paid me in years of banishment
come on
and eurystheus says remember how i am a total ultimate dickwart
and hercules says oh yeah
well anyway labor 5 done sort of

labor 6 is just hercules has to scare away some birds
that all hang out at this lake called Stymphalos
literally he just has to chase away some fucking pigeons
except these pigeons have beaks that penetrate steel
and they are afraid of no man
which is why its a good thing that Athena shows up
and gives hercules some castanets
you know like those little clicky things you hold in your hands
when you are doing flamenco dancing or some shit
and they are made of metal
by hephaestus the god of making shit out of metal
so hercules runs screaming into the thicket waving these bullshit latin percussion implements around
and the birds fly away
mission accomplished

number 7:
you remember that sweet white bull king minos was supposed to sacrifice to poseidon?
well eurystheus does apparently
and he wants that fucker
so hercules walks on over to crete
wrestles the bull to the ground
and drags it back to mycenae before eurystheus even has time to hide in his fucking jar
eurystheus immediately releases the bull
like an asshole
and that thing just wanders around for the next few years
eating the townsfolk
probably raping more women
and siring more demon bastard offspring
great job everyone
another labor complete

the next one is a little less lame
because the thing that hercules has to bring back to mycenae
is a bunch of MAN EATING HORSES
they belong to a dude named diomedes
so hercules sails over to where diomedes lives
with a bunch of other dudes
and they all murder the guys tending the horses
and start stealing them
but then diomedes is like FUCK THATTTTT
and sends an army to kill them
and hercules looks at all his men who came with him
and is like stand back guys
i got this
you take care of the horses
and hercules is more than enough man to rape the entire army to death
also diomedes
meanwhile all his men are not enough man to handle these horses
which promptly drag them to death
and hercules gets back like hey guys i killed an army how are you doWHOA
I leave you alone for TEN MINUTES and what do you do
you get dragged to death by HORSES
jesus
so but then he takes the horses back to eurystheus
who
wait for it
LETS THEM ALL GO
BIG
FUCKING
SURPRISE
and the horses wander around for a while
until they come to MOUNT OLYMPUS
THE HOME OF THE GODS
and get eaten by wild beasts
another victory for conservationist dynamo
EURYSTHEUS OF MYCENAE
also another labor accomplished
this one is the 8th one

so by the time the next labor rolls around
it happens to be the birthday
of Eurystheus’ daughter
and eurystheus is like hm what can i get her
well i guess i could have hercules kidnap a pony
but i dont want to break my streak of needlessly releasing all the animals he brings me
oh i know
how about i have him bring back the warbelt of the queen of the amazons
it will make a fantastic accessory
for my daughter who i am pretty sure is a lesbian
so hercules is like ok
guess i have to go spend like a week
on an island
populated solely by incredibly fit women
who have probably never seen a man in their entire lives
and hm
it might get hot on that island
i better go without a shirt on
even if it does mean that my muscles will be FORCED
to glisten majestically in the dappled sunlight
and hercules’ friends are all
DUDE YOU TOTALLY CANNOT FIGHT THE AMAZONS ON YOUR OWN
CAN WE COME
please
so all these dudes sail over to the land of the amazons
and they get off the boats
and the queen of the amazons
who is named hyppolite
comes down to meet them
like sup
and hercules is like sup
and hyppolite is like what do you want
and hercules is like your belt plz
and hyppolite says well
normally i would say no
but ok
and is about to hand him the belt
when hera decides to be a huge bitch
and tell the entire amazon army
that hercules is there to carry off the queen
so the amazons come charging down the hill
with spears out
their monoboobs bouncing
(yeah the amazons always chopped off one tit
to make them better at fighting
because i guess a full delicious rack
is an impediment to vicious warfare)
and hercules is like oh shit oh shit what do we do
gotta think fast
so he stabs hyppolite in the face and takes her belt
and then he fights an epic battle with the amazons
and wins
because he just stabbed the queen in the face
so then afterwards he and the greeks all get back on the boat
without getting laid AT ALL
and go back to mycenae
and give the belt to eurystheus
who miraculously does not set it free to roam the countryside
and his daughter has the best birthday ever
and hercules only has one labor left
OR DOES HE

so now comes the tenth labor
and obviously eurystheus is thinking
well shit i only have one labor left
better make it a good one
maybe i can have hercules kill all my enemies
or punch some coal into diamonds or some shit
oh wait no
no how about
i ask him to bring me a WHOLE BUNCH OF COWS
yes
I hear this dude geryon has some cows
also he has three heads and three legs
hey hercules go get me geryon’s cattle
and hercules is like sure no problem where is geryon
and eurystheus is like oh just Libya
have fun
so hercules walks to libya
and when he gets there he is SO FUCKING PISSED OFF
he just takes a mountain
and tears it in half with HIS BARE HANDS
so hard that he creates the strait of gibraltar
and then just goes right on and starts killing people an animals in geryon’s land
including some lame generic brand cerberus
called Orthus
just some fucking 2 headed dog
anyway he just kind of murders in a straight line until he finds the cows
and then he grabs the cows and is like peace
but geryon of course finds out
and is like no you are not going to take my cows
and hercules is like what
no look im totally taking your cows
like right now
and geryon is like NOT IF I KILL YOU
so hercules kills him
and then heads home
sailing in a giant wine glass the sun gave him
because again
if you are handsome
the gods give you FABULOUS PRIZES
but there is a problem
because two sons of poseidon show up and try to steal the cows
but it is not really that much of a problem because hercules kills them
he kills them both
but then there is another problem
because one of his cows totally runs away
and swims across the ocean
and invents italy
and some king there named Eryx finds the cow
and you know what
Eryx is ALSO a son of poseidon
poseidon is basically just bathing hercules from every direction
in his congealed
corrosive
semen
so of course Eryx decides to keep the cow
and hercules is like fuck i need to get that cow
hey hephaestus hold these other cows for me for a second
and hephaestus is like actually i was gonna spend some time in the forge
you know
being the god of the forge
and hercules is like nah dude this is more important
and hephaestus gives in because he is a massive pussy
so hercules goes and finds eryx and is like
cow plz
and eryx is like make me
and hercules is like how about i fight you for them
and eryx does not realize what a bad idea it is to say yes to this
this is like trying to win a pie eating contest against the fucking bermuda triangle ok
so hercules makes a deal
if eryx wins, he gets to keep the cow
if eryx loses, he has to give back the cow
AND give up his kingdom to hercules
so he compounds his bad decision with a really shitty bet
like
best case scenario
he gets a cow
worst case scenario he gets his ribcage crushed and then hercules takes everything he loves
hercules of course wins
and is like you know what i am a little too busy to take your kingdom right now
how about i have one of my sons pick it up later
and eryx is like youre bluffing
you dont have any sons
you murdered your sons when hera made you trip balls
and hercules is like dude
i am motherfucking hercules
you think i cant make more kids
just give me the goddamn cow
so he packs all the cows back into his weird goblet boat
and starts sailing again
and is almost at Mycenae when hera is like SHIT
if he completes this labor
i might actually have to keep my word and FORGIVE HIM
for touching my tit that
ONE
FUCKING
TIME
we cant have that
ok i know what i’ll do
ill send some flies to bite the cows
so they run away
to EVERYWHERE IN EUROPE
so she does
and hercules just goes ahead and tracks down every single one of those fucking cows
and he grabs them all at once probably
and busts into mycenae like
EURYSTHEUS YOU BETTER NOT TURN THESE FUCKING COWS LOOSE
I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL SLURP FROM YOUR SPINE LIKE A CRAZY STRAW
and eurystheus is like fine fine
i promise i wont set them free
i’ll just SACRIFICE THEM TO HERA
BAHAHAHAHA
so he does that
and hercules is like you asshole
well at least im done with all my labors now
and eurystheus is like haha i didnt tell you?
two of those labors dont count
the hydra one cause you got help
and the stables one because im a huge asshole
so you get to do two more
BONUS LABORS
have fun
so labor ten complete
but two more labors added
so pretty much like
negative two completions
or negative one?
i dont know how math works im just telling a fucking story about muscles ok

so bonus labor 1 is pretty cool
basically hercules has to go grab some apples
they are golden apples actually
and they only grow in this one garden
and first of all no mortal knows where it is
and second of all
even if you do find it the apples are guarded
by a DRAGON with a HUNDRED HEADS
and also some nymphs called the hesperides
and the apples are called the golden apples
OF THE HESPERIDES
dude honestly i think if anyone in that garden can lay claim to those apples
it is the DRAGON
with the HUNDRED GODDAMN HEADS
not some sissy-ass nymphs
but thats the way it is i guess
so hercules comes up with a pretty good plan
which is he just starts wandering around
all over the world
hoping to just randomly run into it
and then when that inevitably fails
he goes and hits up this sea diety
nereus
and just grabs his fucking throat and is like TELL ME WHERE THE GARDEN IS
and nereus is like how about instead i turn into an OCTOPUS
and hercules is like NO
and nereus is like HOW ABOUT A FUCKING LION OR SOME GOATS
and hercules is like NO
and nereus is like HOW ABOUT A HOT CHICK
and hercules is like THAT WILL JUST MAKE ME CHOKE YOU MORE
LIKE I CHOKED MY WIFE
and nereus is like fine ill tell you
and he tells him
and then hercules keeps on going
he runs into this dude Antaeus
GUESS WHOSE SON HE IS
you got it
POSEIDON
this one is tricky because in order to crush him
hercules has to actually lift him off the ground
cause since antaeus’ dad is the god of earth and sea
touching the ground juices him up
ultimately though
hercules picks him up and smashes his ribcage like some fucking saltines
and then he keeps on truckin’
and he runs into
gasp
ANOTHER ONE OF POSEIDON’S SONS
Busiris
who actually manages to capture him
but only for like 10 minutes
because then hercules escapes
and kills him
maybe poseidon just has too many sons is the problem
and he is looking for a creative way
to get rid of some sons
and so he just tells his kids
hey guys you know what would make a great fathers day gift
murdering hercules
no matter what the problem is
the next dude hercules runs into is prometheus
now at this point prometheus has been chained to a rock
for 30 YEARS
getting his liver eaten out by eagles EVERY DAY
except when hercules shows up
he kills the eagle
just like prometheus told Io he would all those years ago
he just reaches out and snaps its neck like a wishbone
and prometheus is like holy shit
why did no one do this before
hey man thanks
wanna know how to get the apples of the hesperides
cause see
you cant go get them yourself
youll get raped by the dragon
and hercules is like sure tell me
and prometheus is like well you just have to get atlas
the dude who holds up the earth
to go get them for you
see he hates holding up the earth
and the hesperides are his kids
so you can totally get him to go
if you just hold up the earth for him for a little while
and hercules is like uh ok
and prometheus is like hey do you think you could
maybe like
release me from these chains
and hercules is like nope too busy
so he finds Atlas
who is holding up the entire world
i am not sure what he stands on though
but yeah hercules is like dude
can you tell me how to get into the garden
and atlas is like nope sorry
but actually you know what i can do
is if you would just hold the entire world for a second
i’ll go over and grab some apples for you
and hercules is like wait why dont you just put the world down
like rest it on whatever you are standing on
and atlas is like duh because it would roll
so hercules says ok and takes over holding the world
and atlas runs off to get some apples
and then he comes back with the apples
and hercules is like dude the entire world is pretty heavy
i am literally holding everything right now
i need you to appreciate that
and atlas is like oh i appreciate that alright
i appreciate it so much i am going to let you keep doing that for a while
maybe just like
FOREVER
and i will go give the apples to eurystheus
and hercules is like WHAT
DUDE
this was NOT the deal
and atlas is all IM MAKING IT PART OF THE DEAL
and hercules is like fuck fine
well i didnt know i was gonna be holding the world for all eternity when i got up this morning
so i forgot to put on my special world-holding shoulderpads
and atlas is like oh shit really
well i guess i can hold the world for you while you get those on
and he does
and then hercules is like haha psyche asshole enjoy an eternity of debilitaing hell
and runs off
with the apples
but when he gets to mycenae
he finds out that
since the apples belong to the gods
eurystheus doesnt get to keep them
hercules has to immediately go and give the apples to athena
so she can take them back to the garden
so once again
no one benefits
no one is happy
and another labor is done

so now hercules is pretty cautious
before eurystheus gives him another labor hes like
hey eurystheus
that labor counted right
you arent gonna give me any weak shit
about how you didnt get to keep the apples so i have to get new ones
or like
that atlas got the apples for me so i have to do it again
because man
im seriously considering giving up on all this labor bullshit
and just going back to my old career
of strangling innocent people to death
and eurystheus is like no man its cool its cool
just do this one last labor and we are set
all i need you to do is go grab me cerberus real quick
he should not be hard to find
he is always in the same place
AT THE GATES OF THE UNDERWORLD
ok for those of you who dont know what cerberus is
cerberus is like the worst thing ever
got cloned three times
and then the clones got stapled to each other
and each of the clones has a rabid dog head
and is covered in live snakes
and instead of a tail
what does this motherfucker have
but a dragon
yes
a dragon
so this is what hercules has to just nip out and get
for eurystheus
i mean on top of this is the small detail
that no one gets to go into hades and then come back out of hades
unless you are zeus
or hades wants to sleep with you
or you are orpheus
or odysseus
or odysseus’ men
or you ask really nicely
really with every one of these myths i read
hades gets less and less intimidating
dude does not run a tight ship
which is why hercules just finds some cave in Thrace
and walks down that cave until he hits the underworld
like come ON
if I was the king of hell i would probably patch that shit up
anyway he’s not sure if he’s gonna be able to get out again
so before he goes in he gets religion
so if he is stuck there it will at least be somewhere nice
and he just struts down into hades
beating the shit out of ghosts
all the way down
til he gets to hades and persephone
and is like hey guys
can i take your massive murderdog real quick
seriously you wont even miss it
eurystheus is just gonna make me bring it back anyway
and hades is like yeah sure no problem
all you gotta do
is overpower cerberus
WITH YOUR FISTS
and hercules is like psh
dude
i rip MOUNTAINS in half
so he goes and finds cerberus
and is like hey lets do this
and puts all three of cerberus’ heads
in the ULTIMATE HEADLOCK
and does not let go
not even when cerberus’ tail
which let me remind you is a dragon
whirls around and bites him in the chest
nope he just keeps on holding on
until cerberus is like fuck
FINE
lets go to mycenae
and hercules carries the dog all the way there
and eurystheus shits himself so hard
his unborn great grandchildren shit themselves
there is just a whole brown festival
going on in his pants
and he is like SWEET FUCK
JUST TAKE THAT THING AWAY
and hercules is like well am i done with the labors
and eurystheus is like YES YES SURE YES
and hercules is like ok then
and takes cerberus right back to hades
after basically having emasculated the fuck out of the thing
and then goes on with his life
secure in the knowledge that he has killed a lot of sentient beings over the past few years
in order to atone
for killing three or four sentient beings this one time
and also for touching a nipple

so without any dudes to murder anymore
he gets bored
and he marries some chick named Deianira
and then one day they are out walking around
and they see a river
and for some reason they need to cross this river
probably because hercules does not understand
that fording a fucking RIVER is hard for some people
so he is just basically gonna wade across
and meanwhile his wife is like what the fuck do i do
and this centaur shows up like hey
hey
my name is nessus
i will carry you across safely
even though i bet your husband could do that
or at least chuck you across
anyway hop on my back
so she does
and he gets to the middle of the river
and is like oops change of plans
how about instead of taking you to the other side
i rape you
probably the centaurs were still pretty pissed off at hercules
for murdering like 80 of them
over some booze
so hercules continues his trend
of shooting centaurs with poison arrows
and hits that fucker in the heart
and they drift to shore
and before hercules can come over nessus is like
hey
hey lady
did you know that my blood is a magical elixir
that has the power
to make your husband never cheat on you ever
so here just take some of my blood real quick
and then if you ever think hercules is cheating on you
just smear some inside all his clothes
it will be great
trust me
not like i just tried to rape you or anything
and deianira is like ok sure
and takes some blood
and sure enough some time later
deianira is like hm my husband is a musclebound international hero
i bet he is probably getting some tail
other than my tail
i should use this totally legitimate elixir i found
and she smears it on hercules’ cape
and he puts it on
and is like dear god woman did you put HYDRA POISON in my CLOTHES
because you see
there was hydra poison in nessus’ blood
because there was hydra poison on hercules’ arrows
because there was hydra poison in the hydra
and hercules dipped the arrows in the hydra
just a little review cause i know this myth is pretty long
anyway hercules is in terrible pain
but he cant die
cause like
remember
hes immortal
so he is like shit shit shit
and he gets all his friends together and is like
hey guys do me a solid
set me on fire until none of me remains
and they are all like sure no problem
and then zeus takes him and turns him into a constellation
and he gets a new wife
named Hebe
who is not a fucking dumbass who poisons her husband
although to be fair
she is also the daughter of zeus and hera
so you know
little bit of incest
but you know actually i was pretty surprised to find out who her parents were
because i just did not expect
that zeus would ever have any kids with his wife
anyway hercules and hebe live happily ever after
just bangin’ and prolly having babies with like
three arms and speech impediments
and he teaches the world a valuable lesson
which is that if your parents are gods you can pretty much do anything you want
and that all problems in life can be solved by brute strength
even problems caused by brute strength
in fact especially those problems

the end

Talking about Dionysis reminded me of something

it reminded me that Dionysis is a shitty name
and I should actually be calling him Bacchus
because i like it better and it is easier to write
but it also reminded me about this one time
when Bacchus woke up from a drunken stupor
to find his foster father missing
cause see
Bacchus would not stand for having a foster father
who was not some kind of alcoholic
and also a satyr
and so naturally the two of them just get shitfaced together
like all the time
and Bacchus doesn’t even need to worry about being hung over
cause his foster father
is also his schoolmaster
and is also like i said an alcoholic
so hes gonna be just as hung over
his name is Silenus by the way
anyway this particular day Bacchus wakes up
and Silenus is not there
because he got real hammered and wandered off
and passed out in a rose garden
which happened to belong to this king
named Midas
now midas is a pretty good king
and i will tell you why
it is because when he finds some drunk satyr passed out in his rose garden
he does not get all butthurt about it
and call the guards and shit
instead he invites the guy inside
and makes him some sandwiches
and lets him chill out and nurse his EPIC HANGOVER
for TEN DAYS
at which point he gives him a ride home
to Bacchus’ place
and Bacchus is all DUDE
NICE
YOU BROUGHT MY DAD BACK
you want a beer?
and Midas is all no thanks man i gotta drive home
and bacchus is like shit well in that case how about
I GRANT YOU ANY WISH
and Midas is like hm ok
well i guess the one thing i don’t really have enough of right now
is ludicrous riches
so how about everything i touch turns to gold
and bacchus says alright done have fun
and midas DOES
he IMMEDIATELY starts touching shit
like some rocks
and some twigs
turnin’ everything into gold
and he goes home
and bacchus and his foster dad go off to get trashed again
and probably get lost
and end up granting some more ridiculous wishes
because that is how they do
anyway midas gets home and is like GENTLEMEN
PREPARE ME A MARVELLOUS FEAST
and so all his servants set out this massive feast for him
like more food than he can possibly eat
so delicious he can’t even stand it
and so he picks up this big ol’ leg of mutton
but before he can put it in his mouth
IT TURNS INTO GOLD
and he is like OH NO
well at least i can still get drunk
and he picks up his wine glass
which turns to gold obviously
and he downs his wine
only when it goes into his mouth it also turns into gold
and probably chokes him a little
maybe he even throws up in his mouth a little
but if he does
that shit TURNS TO GOLD
AWESOME
so king midas is pretty hungry and thirsty
and on top of that picking little gold flakes out of his teeth
and his beard too probably
you cannot be a king without having a beard
anyway he can’t think of anything to do about this shit
so he goes and just starts turning everything in his house into gold
because gods dammit if he is gonna starve to death
at least he is gonna die wealthy
and he gets so caught up in this
that he does not notice his daughter come into the room
and his daughter loves him so much
that she just wants to surprise him with a BIIIIG HUG
only she is the one who gets surprised
CAUSE HER ASS GETS TURNED TO GOLD
not just her ass her whole body
also her clothes
also she is not the only one who is surprised
midas is pretty fucking surprised too
because he has just accidentally killed his daughter
but also made her like a billion times more valuable
who needs kids when you have solid gold statues
of your kids
but midas doesn’t see it that way
so he starts crying
and his tears turn into gold
which is incredibly uncomfortable
and just makes him cry more
but he gets ahold of himself and is like BACCHUS
HEY
CAN YOU FIX THIS SHIT FOR ME
and bacchus is like what oh shit
what have you done man
what is it with you mortals always petrifying your daughters
and starving to death and shit
and midas is all come on man help me out
and bacchus is like ok well i guess what you can do
is go bathe in this river called Pactolus
and that will solve your problems
so Midas does that
and it takes away his superpower
while simultaneously turning all the sand in the river gold
but does nothing to fix the fact
that Midas’s daughter is made of gold
so its like you know when you are eating a food you really like
and then you get the flu
and you vomit nonstop for like nine whole days
and at the end of that horrible intestinal hurricaine
suddenly you do not like that food anymore?
ok so imagine your favorite food is gold
and instead of vomiting your daughter is dead
now you understand how midas feels
so he moves to the country
and kind of abandons his entire kingdom i guess?
can you do that?
well anyway he does that
and becomes a follower of this god Pan
who is a satyr
and is in charge of playing music on some pipes
and theatrical criticism for some reason
and Midas gets taught to play music by Orpheus
you remember that guy right
so then one day Pan is talking shit about Apollo
and saying how he can totally play better music than that guy
so apollo shows up and is like bring it
and pan definitely brings it
he is playing some seriously rustic tunes
and Midas is all clapping his hands and singing along
but then Apollo plays some music
well he doesnt even really play
he just pretty much hits his lyre once
like he is just getting READY to play a song
and the judge just immediately gives him the win
and everyone there is like ok right on
good job apollo
except for one dude
and that dude is midas
midas is like what the fuck man
he didn’t even play a song
try not to choke on that dick guys
and Apollo is all HOW DARE YOU
I am going to give you
DONKEY EARSSSSSSSS
and bam midas suddenly has donkey ears
he gets super embarassed
and hides his ears under a massive turban all the time
but of course his barber knows his secret
because even living out in the country
midas is too regal to cut his own hair
and he swears the barber to secrecy
but the secret is TOO GREAT AND IMPORTANT
FOR ONE MAN TO BEAR
and so the barber does the only sensible thing
and digs a hole in the ground
and whispers the secret into it
and then buries it
but then a bunch of reeds grow out of the dirt
and start whispering the secret everywhere
like “king midas has donkey ears”
even though it is totally none of their business
and that is why i dont give a shit what anyone says
you can’t trust dirt
and reeds are fucking assholes

THE END

so i feel like i have not been focusing enough on Zeus’s dick lately

lets change that
by talking about this one time
when zeus was just cruisin around
pickin’ mortal women to bone
and he sees this priestess named Semele
in one of his temples
sacrificing this bull
and then swimming naked in a river
because she got all covered in blood
so zeus
who is an eagle right now
is like WHOA BABY
GOTTA GET ME SOME OF THAT
and immediately starts having an affair with her
now hera finds out about this
as she always does
i mean like first of all
after the number of women zeus has slept with
you would think he would learn to like
cover his tracks a little bit?
second of all why is hera still his wife
i mean is it that
he is like
so incredibly unfaithful
that it wraps around and he is actually a good husband?
anyway hera finds out about this shit
and instead of divorcing her husband
she decided to prank him
so she goes down to earth and finds Semele
and is like hey i am zeus’ wife
and semele is like SHIT DON’T KILL ME
and hera is like ha ha ha im not going to kill you
i am fine with my husband’s infidelity for some reason
in fact i just wanted to let you know
that he and i have way better sex
than you and him
and Semele says i dunno man we have some pretty epic boner adventures
and hera says oh honey you dont even know
next time you two are doing the monster mash
ask him to stick it to you like he sticks it to ME
so semele says hmm ok
you can’t possibly have any ulterior motives for telling me this
i’ll do it
so next time she and zeus get busy
she is like hold on there bad boy
make love to me like you make love to your wife
and zeus is like aww man way to kill the mood
if i did that you would explode
and semele, thinking that he is speaking figuratively
is like come on handsome i can take it
and anyway i totally won’t believe you’re zeus
unless you do this
and zeus says ok i guess
it is pretty important to me for people to acknowledge my godhood
and he turns into lightning
and sets her on fire
and she explodes
and zeus is like aww dammit
i knew this was gonna happen
now i gotta save the baby i put inside her
especially since i’m pretty sure my wife is gonna try and eat it or something
so zeus grabs the baby
as it flies out of its mother’s exploding corpse
and thinks real fast and sews it up in his thigh
and then after a few months of walking very awkwardly
zeus goes and hides in a cave
and gives birth to this baby out his thigh
and this baby is none other
than dionysis
the god of drinking so much you give your grandfather fetal alcohol poisoning
and he grows up
and he goes and frees his mom from hades
and makes her a goddess
with a different name for some reason
(Thyone)
maybe so hera wouldn’t go catfight her ass
so basically what this story teaches us
is that in ancient greece
they hadn’t invented divorce yet
because otherwise hera would have zeus paying child support
on like NINE MILLION KIDS

The End

I cant believe it took me so long to get to this one

So there’s a guy Sisyphus, right
He’s this king
really rich and powerful
basically because he is the number one asshole
in the whole damn world
like he will invite people over to his house
and then instead of providing them with delicious steaks
he murders them
he also does shit like seduce his niece
even though he is totally rich enough to buy every kind of whore
what is up with that
at that point you are just being a dick for the sake of being a dick
so anyway it is this kind of behavior
that earns him a pretty bad reputation in some circles
like for example with Zeus
who one days gets fed up with this tomfoolery
and sends Thanatos
who is the personification of death
to drag Sisyphus’s ass down to tartarus
which is like …
it’s like worse than hades i think
like double-hell?
anyway Thanatos goes and gets sisyphus
and he is going to chain him up in tartarus forever
when sisyphus goes hold on man
i don’t get how these chains work
can you show me
by demonstrating ON YOURSELF
and thanatos
who is also the personification of retard
goes ok
and chains himself up
and then is like hey ok that’s how they work unlock them now
but sisyphus does not respond
because he is already back up on earth with booze and whores
or booze and his niece
anyway thanatos stays chained up for a bit
which means that no one can die
so sisyphus is able to pass off his assery
as some kind of humanitarian bullshit
until ares interferes
because see
ares gets sick of not being able to kill dudes in combat
like suddenly war is no fun anymore
because he is chopping off dudes’ heads
but they are all putting them back on
and walking around
and drinking and celebrating the fact
that they get to continue living
really it sounds to me like valhalla
which just goes to show
ares would have made a shitty viking
but yeah he gets bored of not being able to murder people
this is real. this is part of the myth
this is not like when i make up bullshit about zeus getting his dick wet
this is actually a true historical fact about ares god of war
he is a huge asshole
canonically
so what he does
is he goes down to double-hell
and he lets thanatos go
and makes him promise to start making people die again
and so of course pretty much the first thing thanatos does
is he goes after sisyphus
but sisyphus is ready for him
cause he probably figured this would happen eventually
so right before he dies
he goes to his wife and says hey honey sup
and his wife goes sup
and he goes you know what you should do for me
because i’m your husband and you have to do what i say
and his wife says what
and sisyphus says you should throw my naked lifeless corpse
into the town square
that is what i want you to do
and his wife says k
so sisyphus dies again
and gets dragged down to hades
and meanwhile his wife goes corpsechucking in the middle of town
and sisyphus gets really pissed off all of a sudden
because really he was TESTING his wife all along
to see if she loved him enough to disobey him
and bury him properly
so he flips out
and he begs persephone
(who always seems to be down in hell
during the stories
i feel like she is sneaking down to hell for quickies
although it does not seem to me
that hades would be very good in bed
but on the other hand he is zeus’s brother
so there you go)
he begs persephone to let him go back up to earth
to scold his wife for being such a bitch
and persephone feels sorry for him
and says k
BIG
FUCKING
MISTAKE
i mean he goes up to earth and he scolds the shit out of his wife
that much he does
but then immediately he goes HAHA I FOOLED YOU FUCK YOU
and just goes right the fuck on living
like a dick
of course forgetting the fact
that he has already been killed TWICE
a fact that is reaffirmed
when hermes shows up
and just grabs sisyphus
and drags him back to hades
FOR THE THIRD TIME
he probably tried to convince them to let him go back up again
by saying like
look ill pay you
or look over there an orgy
or look ill let you sleep with my whores
or at least my niece
but the gods are having none of it
not even persephone
not sure if she’s even here at this point
but no
instead of letting sisyphus live
they let him push a boulder up a hill
forever
and every time he gets it to the top
it falls back down to the bottom
and he has to start all over again
although i’m not sure WHY he keeps doing it
no one actually MAKES him do it
they just give him this boulder and this hill
and say go for it
and he just keeps on truckin’
i guess he feels bad or something?
so basically what this story is telling us
is that assholes live three times as long as you ever will
unless you too are an asshole
in which case you will live the same amount of time
but when you die you will push a rock up a hill forever

the end