Category Archives: Greek/Roman

Jason is basically worthless

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Still working on that rap guys
keep your pants on
no one wants to see your grotesque hairy legs

SO!

today’s myth is brought to you by the letter a
for ARGONAUTS
which is the name
for a group of dudes
(or “NAUTS”)
who sailed on a ship called the ARGO
which was named after a dude Argus
who coincidentally made that boat
and named it after himself
because he was apparently pretty proud of it

but wait
wait
lemme fill you in on some backstory right quick
because the main character of our story
is this dude Jason
whose main claim to fame
is being popped out of he right vag
at the right time
seeing as he is the son of this king named Ioclus
who got deposed by his asshole brother Pelias
who hera has a massive problem with
because he apparently honors every single god
EXCEPT FOR HER
So apparently in Pelias-land
it is extremely important
to make sure that every god likes you
EXCEPT THE GODDESS OF REVENGE

now as we’ve seen before
hera is a pretty vindictive lady
so she sets about making sure Jason is a hero
so he can eventually kill his uncle or whatever
oh yeah and Pelias totally wants to kill Jason by the way
for exactly this reason
but Jason’s mom fools the shit out of him
by being like OH WHOOPS MY BABY DIED
I AM SO SAD
NO NEED TO FACT-CHECK MY STATEMENT
LOOK AT THESE TEARS THEY ARE THE GENUINE ARTICLE
and then later Jason lives with a centaur for a bit
and then starts doing adventure stuff

so basically the first adventure Jason has
is he is on his way to go kill his uncle
when he comes to this wicked brutal river
and there is this old lady on one side
all like please sonny will you ferry me across this here waterstreet
and jason is like sure no problem
do i get a merit badge or some shit
and the old woman is like nope you just get to almost drown
because i am secretly hera
also super heavy
also you are going to lose a sandal in the river
and Jason is like sounds great let’s do it

so Jason finally shows up to Pelias’s place
like hey dude
i hear you have something that belongs to me
it’s called my kingdom
I would like that right now please
and Pelias is like what
you don’t even have both shoes
how am I supposed to take you seriously
when you can’t even operate a pair of shoes
here come have dinner with me little dumbass

so they start boozin’ it up together
and Pelias is like so you want to be king eh
and Jason is like fuck yeah
and Pelias is like well you know
kings have to deal with all kinds of problems
can you help me solve a problem
and jason is like sure
and pelias is like okay so
there’s this guy
in my court
in fact i’m eating dinner with him right now
I wish he would go away
and then die
if you were in my position what would you do
and jason is like hmmmm
well I guess I’d send him on a suicide mission to go get the golden fleece
it is this worthless artifact
that only an idiot would agree to go after
and Pelias is like hey do you wanna go get the golden fleece for me?
and Jason is like DO I?!
YESSSSSSSSSS

so then he goes out and get that boat built and everything
and athena helps out with making the mast
such that it has a weird human voice and whispers useless secrets
so great job athena
and meanwhile Jason goes out
and assembles an all star team
of BASICALLY EVERY HERO EVER
to be on his doomboat
seriously
he’s got Hercules
and Theseus
and Orpheus
and Peleus
and Bellerophon
and Atalanta
and like a dozen others I’ll prolly add later
this right here
this could be a table of contents for my blog

anyway all these dudes
(and one dudette)
are stupidly gung ho about this death mission
because basically this is what you do when you’re a hero
time and time again you drag your naked ass into the butcher shop
and you slap your giant cock and balls down on the cutting board
and you look that butcher in the eyes
and you DARE HIM to pick up that knife
or in atalanta’s case I guess you put your tits on the cutting board?
someone else’s dick maybe?
the parallel is unclear
BUT WHAT IS IMPORTANT IS THESE GUYS ARE ON A FUCKING SUICIDE ADVENTURE

so stop number 1
is an island populated entirely by women
where they remain for several weeks
for no very clear reason
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
I know I keep coming back to Atalanta
but i kind of feel bad for her in this situation
although I guess first of all she was a dedicated virgin at this point
and second of all even if she wasn’t
she’s basically got VIP seating
on the carnival cruise of sausage
so things are working out pretty ok for her

anyway after that sexy little detour
they go to this place called Samydessus
but the king
Phineas
is not too jazzed to see them
because his castle is suffering
from an acute harpy infestation
which basically means
that every day
around mealtime
a whole bunch of ugly screaming birdwenches
swoop down from the rafters
screaming and shitting all over everything
but that’s fine
because two of the argonauts can fly for no good reason
so they chase off the harpies
and then everything is awesome again

and as thanks
phineas tells them about an upcoming booby trap
hehe booby
that is just these two massive rocks
that clap your ship to pieces
so basically like that shitty trap from every platformer ever
but in real life
in the ocean
and the solution?
chuck a bird through first
sacrifice the shit out of that fucker
and by doing this they manage to get through
and the ship is only slightly crushed

so after all this sex and bullshit
the argonauts finally get to Colchis
where the golden fleece is
but there is a problem
see there’s this king
Aeetes
who is convinced that this golden fleece belongs to him
because it is in his kingdom
and he has a dragon guarding it or whatever
so when Jason shows up like hey gimme dat fleece
the king is like sure no problem
all you gotta do for me is a couple household chores
go yoke those bulls over there
and plow my fields
and plant these seeds
by the end of today
PS the bulls breathe fire and hate you

but see luckily for Jason
Hera has strongarmed slutgoddess Aphrodite
into making one of Aeetes’ daughters
(Medea)
Fall head over junk for Jason’s butcher block bound mansausage
and what’s more
Medea happens to be a pretty sweet sorceress
so she is like hey Jason
I’ll make you an asbestos elixir if you suck my tits
and Jason is like I CAN’T LOSE

so he rubs asbestos all over his body
and the bulls cannot harm him
and he plows the field with them
and then scatters the seeds all over the place
oh wait did i say seeds
I meant DRAGON TEETH
HOW COULD HE HAVE MISTAKEN THESE FOR SEEDS
anyway whereas seeds turn into things like plants and fruit
dragon teeth turn into armies of angry warriors
bent on your destruction
so that’s an immediate problem
except not really
because Medea gives Jason some pretty sweet psychological advice
which is hey throw a rock at one of those guys
and Jason does
and he hits a dude in the head
and that dude makes the natural assumption
that one of his friends threw a rock at him
and kills his friend
which just leads to a massive bloodbath circlejerk
and the day is saved
raising the question
WHERE ARE THE OTHER ARGONAUTS
I mean come on
this is a motherfucking dream team right here
in fact
if you took a dream team
pounded them into liquid
churned that liquid into the heavy whipping cream of the crop
and spread that shit all over lady luck’s naughty bits
you would not have a more complete hero experience
than the one present on board the good ship Argo
and yet at the first sign of actual combat
the conflict is quickly reduced to an arms race
between a bunch of teeth
and a rock

so anyway Aeetes is pretty pissed about this
but he just smiles and is like
great job Jason and also my daughter
guess I have to give you the golden fleece now
(psst Medea i’m totally not going to give him the fleece
i’m just going to kill him
i can trust you with this information yes?)
at which point medea is like
(psst Jason
my dad wants to kill you
wanna go get us some golden motherfucking fleece?)
and jason is like why are we whispering
yeah let’s fucking do it

so they go to the sacred grove with the fleece in it
which is guarded by a dragon by the way
whole lotta dragons in this myth
anyway jason is like oh will you look at that
according to my sundial
it is SWORD O’CLOCK
BYAAAAAAA
but medea is like shh honey
i know you are all about swords and bad decisions
but how about you let me handle this
and then she just rubs a sleeping potion on a dragon
and jason grabs the fleece
and they get on the boat
with all the other heroes
who have probably just been getting blackout drunk this whole time
and they sail back home
and then Jason immediately dumps medea for some whore
provoking all kinds of nastiness

so the moral of the story
is you don’t need common sense or better judgement
when you have divine favor and disposable women

also I bet you are muttering to yourselves
what the fuck is a golden fleece?
well that, my friends
is a story for another time

THE END(?)

The daughters of Minyas provide me with the perfect opportunity for a RECAP

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Okay so guys first of all
remember a couple days ago
when i said you should look to the left
for some reason
i actually meant look to the right
i was trying to trick you
i was talking about that little link over there
that says A SMORGASBORD OF MYTHOLOGY
but it’s ok because it wasn’t ready then
and it’s still not totally ready now
but it is at least more ready
anyway go click it or something
and i will let you know when it is finished

SO
ORGIES

alright so this myth
takes place back in the days
right after bacchus was born
when a lot of people still refused to believe
that there was an actual god
of getting drunk and partying nonstop until you vomit rainbows
and so basically he had to prove he was a god
by killing a bunch of dudes and turning the rest into animals
i like to think he was not totally into this
and was just kind of like dammit guys
i just wanna have a fucking party
and if i have to kill half of you
and turn the other half into dolphins
SO HELP ME I WILL DO IT

so anyway there’s this orgy going on
where all the women everywhere
worship bacchus by ditching work and fucking each other
and sometimes rippin’ off dudes’ faces
it is kind of incredibly sweet
but there are these chicks
the daughters of Minyas
who are determined to totally buzzkill the party
they are like hey
let’s stay in our house all day
and not give our servants the day off
and just weave shit
and talk about how much better we are than the orgy people
because we worship athena
the goddess of not having fun sexy times
also weaving

so this is exactly what they do
and meanwhile
to pass the time
or maybe just to drown out the orgy sounds
they start telling stories
they tell some pretty sweet stories
like they tell the story of pyramus and thisbe
and that one about hephaestus pranking ares
and the one where the sun falls in love with some chick
and also the one about where hermaphrodites come from
and then they run out of stories or something
and bacchus is like WELL LADIES
I WAS ENJOYING YOUR STORIES
AS A BACKDROP TO ALL THIS SEX I’M HAVING
BUT IT LOOKS LIKE IT IS TIME FOR YOU TO TURN INTO BATS

so then all the chicks are not chicks
they are bats
and they go screeching all the fuck over everywhere
proving once and for all
that if anyone ever invites you to an orgy
you better ACCEPT THAT INVITATION

the end.

Tantalus: Yet another bastard

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(Guys look over to the left
I am actually organizing this blog guys
it is totally crazy)

I can’t believe i didn’t do this one before

Ok so Tantalus right
fuck where do I even start with this guy
basically he’s this king of a place called Sipylus
which is practically an anagram of syphilis
so you know this guy is all class

anyway Tantalus starts moving in the right circles
and he makes a bunch of friends who are gods
and one night the gods are like dude come over
we’ll have a feast
it’ll be awesome
btw it’s a potluck

so Tantalus is like fuuuuuuck
i wanna make a stew
but I’m all out of meat
I KNOW
I’LL USE MY SON PELOPS
BRILLIANT
so he cuts up his son
and he boils him and makes soup
and then brings a big pot of filicide
to the gods’ party
all like SOUP’S ON BITCHES

but see here is the thing he forgets
is that these people are GODS
they have POWERS
THEY KNOW WHAT IS IN YOUR SOUP
THEY KNOW WHAT IS IN ALL THE SOUP
so when tantalus shows up like would you like to eat some murder
all the gods are like WHAT
GROSS
EW
WHAT THE FUCK MAN
THERE ARE STORES THAT SELL MEAT
ARE YOU
ARE YOU REALLY THAT LAZY?
LIKE
MURDEROUSLY LAZY?
and tantalus is like whoops you got me
my bad
but you guys can for sure bring him back to life
so it’s totally fine and i’m forgiven
right?
and the gods are like dammit fine

so they gather up all the chunks of Pelops
and put them in a sacred cauldron
and somehow magic reverse-boil them into a living dude
except WHAT’S THIS
PELOPS IS MISSING A SHOULDER
this is because Demeter
was so stressed out over her missing daughter persephone
that she was totally oblivious to all the cannibalism going down
and just ate pelops’s shoulder straight up not giving a shit
so the gods are like gr so annoying
hey HEPHAESTUS
and Hephaestus is like WHAT
and they are like make this guy a new shoulder out of ivory
so that happens
and then pelops turns out to be super hot
and then poseidon starts banging him up on mount olympus
but then zeus kicks him out
because he is pissed off at Tantalus still
because after the party
they find out tantalus stole a bunch of booze and stuff
also a gold dog
although actually he did not steal that from the gods
he stole that from his asshole friend Pandareus
who stole it from the gods
so this dude is basically just maxing out the fucked-up-ometer
so hard it shoots steam and gets rabies

so at this point
the gods are like why are we even friends with this guy
why did we ever invite him to any parties
why didn’t we just kill him instead
well it’s never too late for murder
so they kill him
and put him in Tartarus
which (if you recall) is basically double-hell
and they put some delicious grapes right over his head
and fill the shithole he’s standing in with tasty water
all the way up to his chin
but when he tries to grab the grapes
the grapes are like PSYCHE
NO GRAPES FOR YOU
and the water is basically the same brand of dick
so he is always hungry and thirsty
also i think there is a rock hanging over his head or something

so the moral of the story is basically just don’t be an asshole
except gods and stuff get away with being assholes all the time
so i think the REAL moral that tantalus illustrates
is don’t be an asshole THREE TIMES IN THE SAME DAY

the end.

Worship Bacchus OR ELSE

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Alright let’s see if i can do this before i pass out

so remember Tiresias?
in this myth he is up to his old tricks again
his old tricks being
to tell people bad things are going to happen to them
and then they happen
in this case he is talking to some dude named Pentheus
now i can pretty much guarantee
that Pentheus is not a name you are gonna see in any other myths
because the first thing that happens in this myth
is tiresias is like oh hey pentheus
you refuse to worship bacchus and then your face gets torn off
and Pentheus is like FUCK THAT
and literally picks up tiresias and throws him
PHYSICAL VIOLENCE AGAINST BLIND PEOPLE:
THE IDEAL REBUTTAL

so then tiresias leaves
and pentheus goes about the thirsty work
of ceaselessly being a dick
seriously this guy is such a big dick
his pubes are are forest of microscopic penises
it’s gross
ovid doesn’t write about that aspect of his character
but i know these things
but anyway basically what he does
is he sees all his soldiers going off to party with bacchus
and he is like FUCK THAT MURDER HIM INSTEAD
and the guys are all like Pentheus
hey
dude
we would much rather party
and Pentheus is like TOUGH TACOS TITWIZARDS
TIME TO GET TO WORK

so all pentheus’ dudes go out reluctantly trying to kill bacchus
and when they finally get back
they don’t have bacchus at all
they just have some dude
and pentheus is like hey who the fuck are you
and this dude tells a story
he is like I am a priest of bacchus
because one time
i was on a boat
and we found this kid on an island right
and this kid was WASTED
like so drunk
his skin cells were increasing the alcohol content of the surrounding air
by peer pressure
and i was like hm
this dude seems pretty fucking incompetent and self indulgent
HE MUST BE A GOD

so i told everyone he was a god but for some reason they didn’t believe me
and then they had a mutiny for some reason
i guess cause they wanted to rape this kid or something
and they were like hey little boy where you headed
and he was like whoa what the fuck
who are you people
what am i doing here
why is there a boat
the last thing i remember was trying really hard not to fuck a horse
anyway can i get a ride to Naxos

so all my sailor buddies are like SURE KID HOP ABOARD
and i start driving towards Naxos
but then they are like no
fuck that
i guess they wanted to take his clothes and stuff
but then it was ok because Bacchus
(that’s who the kid was by the way)
put a bunch of lions and shit on the boat
which made everyone jump overboard
and then they turned into like barracudas or some shit
i dunno many of the details honestly
because bacchus and i got obliterated on some kind of spiced wine after that
anyway now i’m one of his priests
pretty crazy huh

and pentheus is like YEAH
PRETTY CRAZY
GETTIN’ TORTURED ASSHOLE
but no sooner do they chain up this priest
when all his chains break for no reason
and then Pentheus is like FUCK THIS I’M GOING TO SEE BACCHUS MYSELF

so he starts walking in the direction of the massive party
the one bacchus is holding
the female only party that happens every once in a while
and he starts to get a little nervous
but he is not gonna let a little thing like nerves
get between him and his suicidal determination
so he shows up at the party
and the first person to see him is his mom
which must have been SO EMBARASSING
especially when she ripped his head off
while his sisters tore off his arms
this is some dusk til dawn shit that happens right here

and why do they do it?
because they are tripping balls on something
and think he’s a boar i guess
because the natural response to a wild boar is to tear its face off
with your hands
i have no fucking clue what these chicks are on
but it’s not just wine i can tell you that

so at first glance
you might be tempted to say that the moral of the story
is don’t do drugs
but pentheus didn’t do drugs and look where that got him
no the moral of the story is
try not to be the only one NOT on drugs
because that is when you are at a profound disadvantage
you need to take all the drugs to be safe
think about it like mutually assured destruction
but with PCP

The end.

Boats are Dangerous

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ok so Ceyx

(kind of sounds like sex
if you pronounce it right)
he is this dude
who gets all worried and shit
because this other dude Peleus
hears about some crazyass wolf
eating the fuck out of a bunch of cows
on some island somewhere
this is the kind of thing you get upset about in ancient greece
they do not have party politics at this point i am pretty sure

anyway ceyx decides he’s gotta go see some fucking oracle
not the oracle at delphi
a different one
but in order to go see this oracle
he has to go on a boat
and his wife Alcyone is like NO DONT DO IT
TOTALLY GONNA DIE MAN
and ceyx is like no its cool
and Alcyone is like oh ok
so the ceyx gets on a boat
and it pretty much immediately sinks
like maybe a day later or something
the water turns black and there is a fucking whirlpool
seriously what the fuck
i accept that the gods are responsible for all these things
and that being the case
why they gotta be like that?

so meanwhile Alcyone is being painfully oblivious back home
knitting fucking sweaters and shit
and like
burning incense to juno
all like hey woman get my husband back alive k
and juno is listening to this shit like fuuuuuuck
listen bitch there’s nothing i can do
dude’s dead
he fucking drowned ok
but alcyone can’t hear her
over all her knitting

so finally juno hits up her main chick Iris
and is like Iris
go down to that dude hypnos
GOD OF SLEEP
and be like hey send a dream to alcyone
to tell her her husband’s dead
and alcyone is like sure no problem

so she shows up down in slumbertown
and is like hey hypnos
and she has to yell at him for like a solid decade
before that dude wakes up
and he is like yawn hey
what’s good
and iris is like nothing
nothing is good
i need you to tell this chick that her husband is dead
and hypnos is like sure let me get morpheus

so hypnos goes and wakes up morpheus
who is the god of pretending to be people in your dreams
which i think is a sweet job
but that is immaterial
anyway morpheus goes and shows up in alcyone’s dream
like hey hey hey it’s me ceyx
your husband
i’m dead
get used to it
and then Alcyone wakes up like WAAAAAAAH HUSBAND
FUCK ARE YOU DEAD OR SOMETHING
I GUESS YOU MUST BE OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD THAT DREAM

so then the next morning
she goes out walking on the shore
or like the cliffs or whatever
for some reason in all these myths
i always have the same mental image of some cliffs
that all the ships depart from for some reason
even though you can’t hitch a ship to some fucking cliffs
call it artistic license
for my mind’s eye or whatever
anyway she’s hanging out somewhere
being sad
when all of a sudden a body rolls up on the coast
and she is like oh fuck
is that
yeah that’s my husband
and she runs over to the body
all sad and stuff
and she is SO SAD
she turns into a bird
but that doesn’t make her any happier
and in fact
even as a bird
she is SO
SO SAD
that her grief turns CEYX into a bird also
and they go fuck and cry or something forever

so the moral of the story is
when conventional medicine fails
try turning into a bird

the end.

Zeus Versus Werewolves

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Alright so ZEUS

he’s chilling up on mount olympus
after making a whole bunch of seasons and shit
and i guess he hears a rumor or something
about how everyone on earth sucks?
so he is like NAW IT CAN’T POSSIBLY BE TRUE
HOWSABOUT I ASSUME MORTAL FORM AND FIND DAT SHIT OUT

so zeus goes ahead and becomes a mortal for a bit
and miraculously
DOES NOT BANG ANY HOT CHICKS WHILST DOING SO
see i guess this was back in the old days
before zeus had time to develop his powerful buttthirst
instead what he does
is he goes around like hey guys
are you all assholes
and everyone is like YES WE TOTALLY ARE
and zeus is like dammit really
and they are like WATCH LET US PROVE IT
WE WILL RAPE AND MURDER EACH OTHER
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
and zeus is like i’m gonna keep walking is that ok

so then he ends up in the kingdom of this dude Lycaon
who is king shit of being unpleasant
and zeus shoes up in his big hall or whatever
and he’s like hey
you know there’s a god here right now
not saying it’s me or anything
but
you know
he is at the very least
a good friend of mine
WINK WINK WINK GOD DAMMIT

So Lycaon is like
pretty sure you aren’t a god dude
watch ima prove it
hey guys kill this dude in his sleep
also boil a bunch of other dudes and serve them to this guy
seriously it will be great
i call it
THE ULTIMATE PRANK

so of course zeus gets IMMEDIATELY SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT
and he blows everyone up with a thunderbolt
and Lycaon is like shit shit shit
time to get the fuck out of here
only now he is a wolf all of a sudden
and instead of running away
he starts mauling all his sheep
and everyone else’s sheep
and a bunch of people probably as well
basically just maintaining the same level of being an asshole
that he stuck to throughout his whole life
this is a guy who is committed to sucking

so then zeus is like GRR SO MAD
GONNA KILL ALL HUMANS
and the other gods are like wait
who will worship us then
come on this shit is important
and zeus is like WHATEVER I’LL MAKE NEW PEOPLE
THEY’LL TOTALLY SUCK LESS
GUYS DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS
IT IS THUNDERBOLT OCLOCK

so he picks up his thunderbolts
and he is about to turn earth into an electric murder carnival
when he is like hold on
the heat of everything catching on fire at once
might set olympus on fire
FUUUUUUUUUCK
so he puts his lightning bolts away
and resolves to probably not murder everyone

so net result:
Lycaon gets to be a sweet wolf
world not destroyed
moral of the story?
if you run into a god
either don’t piss them off
or piss them off AS HARD AS YOU CAN

the end.

Zeus grants stupid wishes

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Alright guys i know you are itching for a myth
the way a scab itches for some sweet calamine lotion
and i am going to give you one
but since i just drove from pittsburgh to new york city
it is going to be a short myth
and then i am going to fall face down into this couch i am looking at

ok

so Aurora right

she’s some bullshit useless goddess
who happens to have a son fighting in the trojan war
this is not remarkable
EVERYONE has a son fighting in the goddamn trojan war
it is like HEY MOTHERS
DO YOU HAVE SOME EXTRA SONS YOU NEED SENSELESSLY BUTCHERED
TRY THIS WAR

but anyway her kid Memnon dies
due to a common hazard of the trojan war:
achilles
specifically a spear thrown by achilles
and once he is dead
his mom is all BOO HOO HOO I AM SO SAD MY SON IS DEAD
I AM SUCH A USELESS GODDESS WHY DIDNT I SAVE HIM
but instead of like
getting revenge on achilles
like some other much less worthless goddess would have done
aurora decides to go crying to Zeus
all like ZEUS
I KNOW I’M BASICALLY THE AQUAMAN OF THE GREEK PANTHEON
BUT I GIVE GOOD HEAD SO CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR
and zeus is like i’m listening
and Aurora is like give my son at least some honor
and zeus is like sure ok
can we move on to the blowjob phase of this transaction

so then
right when Memnon is getting cremated
a HUGE AMOUNT OF SMOKE happens
and it fucking blots out EVERYTHING
and then
and then
it TURNS INTO BIRDS
WHAT
WHAT IS THIS
BIRDS?
WHY IS IT BIRDS ALL OF A SUDDEN
WHO THE FUCK KNOWS
IN THE LIGHTNING ADDLED BRAIN OF ZEUS
APPARENTLY BIRDS = HONOR
ok so those birds divide into 2 groups
and then they beat the shit out of each other for a bit
and then they land
and they become known as the daughters of memnon
apparently because he died too early to have real daughters
and then every year they come back to the same place
and peck the fuck out of each other again
it is like a tradition
a very brutal pointless tradition

so the moral of the story
is if you are going to have a goddess for a mom
try to have a less shitty one than aurora
one that can save your life in battle
instead of turning your smoking corpse into some angry birds

THE END

Don’t fuck with Latona

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7

Okay so puffs

sorry to bust your balls like that
about wanting some greek myths
buddy
i like greek myths too
and to prove it to you
here is a greek myth

alright so there is this chick Niobe
she is an utter priss festival
all strutting around
vehemently denying
that her shit stinks
she is the queen on some island or something
man everybody in greece seems to have been
like a queen
or else some kind of king
or satyr
or some shit
there were like NO REGULAR PEOPLE
at ALL
anyway one day this chick Manto
the daughter of Tiresias
goes running through Niobe’s city screaming OH SHIT GUYS
TIME TO WORSHIP THE GODDESS LATONA
SHE FEELS INADEQUATE FOR SOME REASON
SO GET ON THAT

so everyone starts worshipping the everloving bajeezus out of latona
like making wreathes
and dancing around
and doing all kinds of shitty craft projects and whatnot
and Niobe shows up like WHAT THE SHIT IS THIS
YOU GUYS ARE WASTING TIME WORSHIPPING THIS BROAD
WHEN YOU COULD BE WORSHIPPING
ME

so niobe launches into this long
clearly prepared speech
about how much better she is than latona
like how her parents are all gods
or else people who hung out with gods
like Tantalus
although actually honestly
like i said
everybody in greece at this time
was chilling with all manner of gods
anyway then she is like HEY LATONA
YOU ONLY HAVE TWO KIDS
I HAVE FOURTEEN
LET ME DO SOME MATH FOR YOU
FOURTEEN
EQUALS SEVEN
TIMES TWO
I HAVE SEVEN TIMES MORE CHILDREN THAN YOU
MY VAGINA IS INFINITELY MORE DISTENDED
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU CODHOLES DOING WORSHIPPING LATONA
WHEN YOU COULD BE MAKING SACRED MACARONI PICTURES
FOR MY GAPING BABY CHUTE

so everybody is like fuckdamn woman
we’ll stop
we’ll stop
sorry
don’t eat us with your cavernous vag
and niobe is like damn right

ok now guys
it is a historical fact
that niobe did indeed have seven times more kids
than Latona
however what Niobe is overlooking here
is that Latona’s two kids
are APOLLO AND ARTEMIS
GUYS
EACH OF THOSE KIDS
IS WORTH LIKE
SIXTY KIDS
AT LEAST
THAT CHANGES THE MATH SLIGHTLY
so of course Latona
upon hearing that niobe is hosting an all-you-can-eat hubris buffet
calls her kids over and is like hey
hey
can we fuck niobe over
i really want to fuck niobe over
how should we fuck niobe over guys
and apollo is like LESS TALKING MORE FUCKING OVER
and ZOOM the laser death train leaves the station

what follows is one of those dramatically bloody action sequences
that really makes me wish ovid had gotten to direct die hard
because basically what happens
is apollo shows up where all niobe’s 7 sons are out exercising
and kills them all with arrows
in the most horrendously brutal ways
like one guy gets an arrow all the way through his throat
and does a triple sowcow over the front of his chariot
to get hooffucked by angry horses
and two sons are wrestling
so SHOOP
apollo just pins those guys together with an arrow
and so on and so forth
murder murder murder
until one of them is like PLEASE GODS STOP MURDERING
and apollo is like ok
WHOOPS
looks like i already let go of the arrow
sorry dude
so that one dies too

so then niobe sees what has happened
and so does her loving husband
who of course immediately kills himself
and niobe runs outside to the pile of mutilated flesh
that used to be her sons
actually bruising her arms from hugging them so hard
guys hugs are not usually brutal
but hugs where you injure yourself are BRUTAL TO THE MAX
and niobe is like WAAH WAAH WAAH WHAT THE FUCK LATONA
ALL I DID WAS INSULT YOUR LACK OF KIDS
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO MURDER ALL MY KIDS
OH WAIT
I STILL HAVE SEVEN DAUGHTERS
I STILL WIN
HAHAHAHAHA BITCH WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT

guys
when gods have just demonstrated their ability
to kill seven of your children in as many minutes
it is not a good idea to remind them
about the other seven children you still have
so at this point artemis shows up
and kills all seven of niobe’s daughters
with a lot less pizazz than apollo
but still, pretty sweet
like they all just stop breathing basically

so at this point niobe is like DAMMIT
COULDN’T YOU HAVE AT LEAST LEFT ME 3 KIDS
SO I COULD KEEP FEELING SUPERIOR TO YOU
and latona is like NOPE SUCK IT
so then niobe starts crying
and she doesn’t stop crying
until she turns into marble and teleports to the top of a mountain
seriously that is how hard she cries
and actually the stone keeps crying even to this very day

so parents
remember:
when it comes to having kids
it is not quantity that is important
but whether your kids can kill everyone else’s kids

the end.

Life sucks with half a penis

Posted on by
2

OK LETS DO THIS

so there is this dude
he is the son of hermes
and Aphrodite
yeah
that chick gets AROUND
additionally
that chick is really bad at coming up with names
and so is hermes
so what they do
is they take their names
and chop them up
and make a retard soup out of them
and call their son hermaphroditus
i think you can already tell where this story is going

so one day this kid hermaphroditus is walking through the woods
he has been doing this for a fat while
because when you are the son of two gods
you are pretty set for life
and can just do what you damn well please
like march around rome with your dick in your hands
humming the national anthem
i met a homeless guy like that in rome actually
although i am not sure he was the son of any gods
definitely a hermaphrodite though
also he kind of smelled like poop

ANYWAY Hermaphroditus is tooling about in the forest
when he comes to a pool
like
a super sweet pool
lots of really awesome water in this pool ok
and also in this pool
is a super hot nymph
who is too fucking lazy to go hunting with Diana
(yeah i know i’m mixing greek and roman names
but that’s the way ovid does it
so if you wanna go ahead and fly to italy
and dig up the bones of the greatest poet of all time
and fuck him right in the skull
again and again until your gentials are coated in splinters and bonepowder
be my guest
otherwise shut your hole)
she just sits by the pool all day
bathing
and getting out
and bathing
and trying on clothes
and combing her hair
and looking at herself in the water
and bathing
which all serves to make her
totally boneable
but kind of a diva

so this nymph looks up and sees hermaphroditus dicking around
and she is like HOLY SHIT
I WANT TO CUT ME OFF A PIECE OF THAT
REHEAT IT IN A CONVECTION OVEN
SPRINKLE SOME CINNAMON ON IT
AND THEN RUB IT ON MY NAUGHTY PLACES
HEY BOY WHAT DO YOU SAY

and hermaphroditus is like uhhhh
and this nymph is like BOY THE DAME WHO NURSED YOU WAS PRETTY LUCKY
I’D SURE LIKE TO HAVE YOU SUCK ON MY TITS
seriously
you know normally i kind of adlib the pickup lines in these myths
but that is straight up what this broad says
basically
then she is like MARRY ME IMMEDIATELY FOR GUILT-FREE BANGING
and hermaphroditus is like GO AWAY
I AM CONFUSED BY ALL THESE FEELINGS
and the nymph is like ok fine
i’ll leave you alone
and immediately goes and hides in some nearby bushes

so hermaphroditus
being of course a whole goddamn retard convention
instantly rips off his clothes and goes swimming in the lake
like OH I BET THAT HORNY NYMPH ISN’T WATCHING ME OR ANYTHING
and not only does he go swim in the lake
he also slaps himself a bunch
and starts flailing around in the water
like some kind of special mating dance for idiots

of course at the sight of the boy’s pendulous junk
the nymph is like OH SNAP
IT IS PARTY TIME
AND THE PARTY IS IN HERMAPHRODITUS’S PANTS
OR ACTUALLY
SINCE HE IS NOT WEARING PANTS
JUST HIS CROTCH I GUESS
HEY HERMAPHRODITUS PARTY IN YOUR CROTCH

and she jumps out of the foliage
and rapes him in the water
again and again
except he has the presence of mind to keep his dick out of her
which is really disappointing for her
but she just keeps right on dryhumping him
or i guess wethumping him
fwap fwap fwap
but finally she gets fed up with this shit
and is like HEYYY GODDSSSSSS
IF I CANT BONE THIS GUY
AT LEAST MELD OUR BODIES INTO A HORRIBLE MULELIKE HALFBREED
and the gods are like BAM
MOST INTERESTING PRAYER WE GOT ALL DAY
GRANTED

so then hermaphroditus suddenly realizes
that his life has an acute case
of good news/bad news
good news:
the nymph who is raping you is nowhere to be found
bad news:
you now have exactly half a penis
and half a vag
how did this happen
so he gets super pissed
and is like HEY GODS
SINCE I’M HALF A MAN NOW
HOW ABOUT ANYONE WHO STEPS IN THIS POOL BECOMES HALF A MAN TOO
and the gods are like WELL TODAY IS THE DAY FOR GRANTING ASININE PRAYERS
YOU GOT IT BUDDY
so now if you step in that pool
which is called salmacis fyi
you get super weak
although your penis does not actually come off

so the moral of the story is
having gods for parents can be sweet
but it’s not going to stop a hot nymph
who wants to evaporate half your dangly bits
and replace them with hers
so if you have god parents
consider becoming an emancipated minor

the end.

Your FACE posted late.

Posted on by
2

Alright so yeah I’m like ten hours late on this
but sometimes there is not even any cell phone receptions
when you are sleeping next to a rock
shaped like a ghost
in the middle of godforsaken Utah
i bet half of you are still up from thursday anyway

so

You know Venus right

Remember how she and mars used to bang
Until Vulcan found out
And dropped a fucking net on her?
Well guess how Vulcan found out about that shit?
THE FUCKING SUN GOD
Phoebus or whatever
Yeah
The sun was rollin through the sky
SPYING ON MARS AND VENUS HAVING SEX
Think of that the next time you take a piss outside
Sun’s checkin’ out your dick my friend
Checkin out your dick

So obviously venus thinks this is pretty creepy
And she is like you know what I’m going to fuck over pheobus now
Cause he fucked me over
By watching me fuck over my husband
So BAM
Phoebus falls head over asshole for this chick Leucothoe
What a fucking obnoxious name by the way
Anyway Phoebus is so fucking in love with this chick
(she is no slouch by the way
her mom is like the hottest chick ever
and she is hotter than her mom)
that he neglects ALL his duties
rising early
setting late
sometimes just getting drunk and not showing up at all
failing hard and often
and also neglecting all his hos in different area codes
like for example this broad Clytie
which I think is another pretty lame name just as an aside

anyway finally phoebus can’t take it anymore
and he is like I MUST GO TO YOU MY LOVE
and he disguises himself as Leucothoe’s mom
all coming into her room like HELLO HONEY
LET ME GIVE YOU A MOTHERLY KISS ON THE FOREHEAD
HEY SERVANTS WE HAVE PRIVATE BUSINESS TO DISCUSS
MY DAUGHTER AND I
PLEASE LEAVE
So all the servants leave
And Phoebus is like hey
haven’t you always wanted to have sex with your mom
and leucothoe is like what no ew
and phoebus is like haha just kidding this is the sun god right here
open up them legs
I control the sun

And leucothoe is understandably skeptical
And phoebus is like BITCH I AM THE SUN GOD DAMMIT
And leucothoe starts to get pretty scared
And phoebus is like OH BABY YOUR FEAR IS SEXY
ALLOW ME TO SHOW YOU MY TRUE FORM
And he turns into a giant ball of fire

Now I know what you’re thinking
No leucothoe does not catch on fire
Although that would be totally sweet
She is actually so impressed by this big-dick display
That she is like OH SHIT TAKE ME NOW
So they bang

But see Clytie finds out about this
And because she is a vindictive ho-clown
She decides to tell EVERYONE
ALL ABOUT IT
TWICE
ESPECIALLY LEUCOTHOE’S DAD
Now leucothoe’s dad is what we call a huge asshole
As soon as he finds out about this shit
He gets super pissed off
I dunno about you
But if I just found out my daughter was boning the SUN
I would be impressed
But no this dude just gets angry
And apparently the way he expresses his anger
Is by BURYING HIS DAUGHTER ALIVE UNDER HEAVY SAND
And phoebus is like oh shit fuck what
And tries to burn the sand away
But leucothoe suffocates to death first
So good job on that
And then phoebus gets super sad
And everyone has to deal with a dim mopey-ass sun for a bit
And Clytie is for some reason terribly surprised
That this prank does not get her back into phoebus’s good graces
So she sits down
And does not move or eat or drink
Subsisting on nothing but dew and her own tears
Literally that is what she eats
Watching the sun go through the sky every day
Until she goes blind
Or actually
No
Until she turns into a sunflower
Yes that is what happens

Anyway the moral of the story is if you’re the sun you shouldn’t have any problems picking up chicks
So get on that

The end.