Category Archives: Japanese

Frogs are Debilitatingly Unaware of Their Own Anatomy

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4

Ok so first of all
do you like the new layout
I got tired of picking colors
so i just picked my favorite color:
milk

okay now let’s talk about some fucking FROGS

so we’ve all agreed by this point that animals can talk right?
right
good
okay
so there are these two frogs
one of them lives in Osaka
the other one lives in Kyoto
in case you have not guessed these are JAPANESE FROGS
which are basically identical to american frogs
except they speak japanese
because you see
as we have already established
animals can definitely talk

so these frogs right
they get LUDICROUSLY BORED
sitting in their ponds
ribbiting all the fuck over everything that crosses their paths
so one day
as if with A SINGLE UNIFIED MIND
both frogs are like hey
i need to get the fuck out of this city
it’s running me ragged man
and the Osaka frog is like I WANNA GO TO KYOTO
and the Kyoto frog is like I WANNA GO TO OSAKA
if they had internet they could have arranged a house swap
or at least like
a stanky pond swap
but unfortunately japan does not start providing internet to animals
until at least the industrial revolution

SO OFF THEY GO
here is the problem
FROGS SUCK AT TRAVELING
i mean
Kyoto and Osaka
are FIFTY-SIX KILOMETERS APART
that’s like FOUR HUNDRED AMERICAN MILES
imagine trying to walk that far
okay
now imagine trying to walk that far
but you are about as big as one of your feet
also your primary method of locomotion is jumping repeatedly
also you are a FUCKING FROG
and the corn on top of that shit casserole
is that right smack dab between kyoto and osaka
IS A FUCKING MOUNTAIN
so these frogs are hoppin and hoppin
and basically making themselves miserable
and finally they get to the top
at exactly the same time
and they are both like WHAAAAAAAAAAAAT
NO WAY
NO FUCKING WAY MAN
and the Osaka frog is like what the fuck are you doing here man
and the Kyoto frog is like im going to Osaka what are you doing
and the Osaka frog is like no shit man i’m from Osaka and I’m going to Kyoto
and the Kyoto frog is like dude what the fuck I’m from Kyoto
we totally should have arranged a house swap or something
too bad we are animals and do not have internet
so they shoot the shit for a little while
and they are both like damn dude
this has been a pretty shitty journey so far
wish we were taller
so we could see Osaka and Kyoto from here
to tell whether it’s worth going the rest of the way or not
OH SHIT WAIT
THERE’S TWO OF US
IF WE STAND ON OUR HIND LEGS
AND THEN STAND ON EACH OTHERS’ SHOULDERS
WE CAN TOTALLY SEE WHATS UP

so that is what they do
except here is the problem guys
frogs are in NO WAY designed to make human pyramids
that is why they are called HUMAN pyramids
not frogstacks
not only do they have spindly weakass legs
but their eyes
are ON TOP OF THEIR HEADS
so what happens
is they climb up on top of each other
and then their eyes are looking straight back the way they came
and they are both like what the fuck
Kyoto is exactly like Osaka
Osaka is exactly like Kyoto
what a fucking ripoff
let’s go home

so they go home
and never get to see sweet foreign vistas and whatnot
so please
take a lesson from these frogs
and just take the next couple of minutes
to make sure that you know
EXACTLY where your eyes are on your head

the end

Okay I Knew the Japanese Were Fucked Up, But Seriously?

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4

Alright couple of items of business
first of all
as you can see
i suck at colors
what color should this website be
also!
I finally finished that fucking SMORGASBORD OF MYTHOLOGY
up at the top of the page
all the myths are indexed by origin over there so check it out

Anyway Kappas, right

what the fuck are these things
why do they exist
apparently they are related to monkeys
but when was the last time you saw a monkey
with a concave skull
such that it could hold water in the top
and not just any water mind you
MAGICAL water
that must NEVER BE SPILLED
oh yeah also they are yellowish green
have scales
live in the swamp
AND DRINK BLOOD
pretty straightforward, right?
WRONG
because guess how they drink blood guys
THEY DRINK IT OUT YOUR ASS
YESSIR
These are creatures
that subsist
ON ASSBLOOD
in fact according to tradition
whenever the japanese found some dude in the swamp
drowned to death with a distended rectum
they’d just be like welp i guess a kappa did that
GUYS
I DON’T SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN SWAMPS
BUT WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW A GUY
WHO HAD DROWNED TO DEATH WITH A DISTENDED RECTUM
WHY WAS THIS SUCH A COMMON OCCURRENCE IN JAPAN
THAT THEY NEEDED TO MAKE UP A REASON FOR IT?
anyway so one time
this kappa is skulking about
looking for some tasty assblood to guzzle
when he sees a cow
and he is like awesome
I’ll FIST IT
so he starts fisting this cow, right
presumably in preparation for assvampirism
but the cow freaks out
like you do when someone shoves their fist up your ass
and breaks off the kappa’s arm at the shoulder
at which point i guess he decides to cut his losses
and just get the fuck out of there
but he’s not about to just leave his arm in some cow’s ass
so the next day
he goes and hits up the farmer who owns the cow
like hey
HEY
gimme back my arm
and the farmer is like make me
and the kappa is like I would but i seem to be missing my murdering arm
and the farmer is like well guess you’re shit out of luck
unless you promise to stop fisting everyone’s cows all the time
also children maybe
and the kappa is like fuck fine
and leaves everyone alone forever
in fact he actually PROTECTS everyone from the other less civilized kappas

so the moral of the story is
stay the fuck out of japan
unless you want to die of a combination of drowning
and anal blood loss

the end.