Candide is like Candid, but with an E at the end and an entirely different meaning

Hey guys what is up

if you are in Japan then the answer is probably horrible tidal waves
which is why i think i ought to repost this thing that another guy posted
which is this:

you can donate $10 to the Red Cross by texting “REDCROSS” to 90999.

so do that
If you can spare 16 bucks for one of my dumb shirts
you can spare 10 bucks to rescue japanese people from beneath a FLAMING WALL OF WATER
okay now let’s hear about the aftermath of FICTIONAL earthquakes
well i mean actually the earthquake in candide was a real life earthquake
but you know what i mean
VIDEO:

PS the guy who posted that thing i copied (or girl, i dunno) runs this website
which has stolen HOURS OF MY TIME
and since some of you claim i have stolen hours of YOUR time
maybe this person has stolen hours of YOUR TIME
BY PROXY
THINK ABOUT IT

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The Inferno, God dammit

So if you were/are an english major/complete loser
you have probably had a conversation with your friends/imaginary friends
where you all try and remember what all the circles are in hell
and you CANNOT FOR THE LIFE OF YOU REMEMBER
wanna know why?
BECAUSE ALL THE CIRCLES HAVE CIRCLES IN THEM

NOW YOU KNOW

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Don Quixote is like the Napoleon of Doing Stupid Shit (part 2)

Alright so

when last we left our heroes
you know what fuck that
no one in this story is a hero
you could not be less heroic if your job was throwing hammers at orphans
basically Don Quixote was being a dumbass and Sancho Panza was helping
and it occurred to me last night that if I spend an exhaustive amount of time
talking about every stupid thing Don Quixote does
we will be here INDEFINITELY
so here is a stupid shit rundown
courtesy of my FISTS
because that is what i have decided to type with today

so Sancho wakes up
and Don Quixote is like QUICK HELP ME BEAT UP THESE MONKS
and Sancho is like why
and Don Quixote is like WHATEVER I’M CRAZY GET USED TO IT
and Sancho is like welp i guess i better steal everyone’s clothes
and then a dude ruins Don Quixote’s ear but whatever he doesn’t need those
not like he ever listens to ANYONE
then he beats the shit out of more innocent dudes
and sancho is like island plz?
and Don Quixote is like NOT QUITE
and sancho is like fuck what about the po po
i am not going back to jail
and Don Quixote is like DUDE I’M A FUCKING KNIGHT
I’M SO FULL OF RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE
IF A COP TRIED TO ARREST ME
TEN COPS WOULD ARREST HIM
AND THEN SET HIS FAMILY ON FIRE

so then they sleep outside some more
and then meet some goatherds
and sancho gets trashed
and then some dude shows up like LOL MY FRIEND DIED FROM GETTING REJECTED TOO HARD
LETS ALL GO TO HIS FUNERAL AND CALL THE CHICK WHO REJECTED HIM A HUGE BITCH
and Don Quixote is like THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR CHIVALRY
but then when they show up
it turns out that the dead guy was just a total pussy
and the chick who rejected him is pretty chill
it’s not her fault she has huge tits
that all the dudes wanna motorboat SO BAD IT KILLS THEM

so that chick leaves after telling everybody off
and Don Quixote follows her
to see if her or her tits need any help
but then instead his shitty horse ends up trying to fuck some other horses
and the dudes who own the horses are like man what the hell is this
is some kind of moldy skeleton trying to do the hokey pokey on our legitimate living horses
get this thing away from here
and Don Quixote is like DID SOMEBODY SAY TIME FOR VIOLENCE?
but it turns out no one said that
and furthermore that Don Quixote is really shitty at violence
so he and sancho get their everythings broken
and lie on the ground for a while
and eventually decide they should probably find an inn
or as Don Quixote calls it
A CASTLE?!

but shit is fucked up
because Don Quixote thinks the inkeeper’s daughter wants to bang him
but really it is the daughter’s hunchbacked maid
but actually that chick just wants to bang some other dude
who is staying in the same ROOM as Don Quixote
and that dude gets upset
and then the chick hides in sancho’s bed
so then the dude attacks Sancho
and the inkeeper is like WHAT WHAT WHAT
and VIOLENCE ENSUES
and a POLICE OFFICER APPEARS
and then Don Quixote is like hey tinydick asshole how about i RUIN YOUR SPINE
AND SUDDENLY IT IS DOUBLE VIOLENCE JACKPOT

but it’s okay
because then Don Quixote refuses to pay for his stay in the inn
wait that doesn’t make it ok
that makes Sancho get tossed in a blanket by the inkeeper and his dudes
although actually that sounds like a lot of fun
but that doesn’t stop Sancho from bitching about it FOR THE REST OF THE BOOK

but the fun doesn’t stop there
because suddenly
Don Quixote sees more things
and Don Quixote’s default response to seeing things is to ATTACK THOSE THINGS
the things in question happen to be some sheeps
he thinks they are knights i guess
and so he murders like 7 of them
before the shepherds knock out his teeth with rocks
and then he’s like hold on Sancho
let me make a potion for us out of some trash and dirt i found
and then they drink it
and Sancho vomits
and he’s like hey Don Quixote lemme see how many teeth you lostOH GOD YOU VOMITED IN MY EYES

so quick recap:
after about 3 or 4 days on the road
these dudes have managed to get robbed
(oh yeah i forgot to say they got robbed)
severely beaten
and covered in vomit
THERE IS SO MUCH SUCCESS IT IS GIVING ME SCABIES JUST THINKING ABOUT IT

so then Don Quixote is maybe i should cut back on the violence
so the next time he runs into some innocent priests
he basically just brutally injures ONE of them
instead of all of them
and then sancho robs them
and then they go pass out in a valley

BUT BEFORE THEY PASS OUT
Sancho tells the SHITTIEST STORY POSSIBLE
it is about a shepherd or something
and Don Quixote keeps interrupting him
and then in the story the shepherd has to take all these sheep in a boat
and Sancho is like MAKE SURE YOU COUNT ALL THE SHEEP DON QUIXOTE
and Don Quixote is like fuck dude i don’t give a shit about the sheep
just tell the end of the story
and Sancho is like HOW MANY SHEEP ARE THERE MOTHERFUCKER
and Don Quixote is like I really have no idea
and Sancho is like WELP GUESS IM NEVER GONNA FINISH MY STORY THEN
THE END

wait wait not the end
Don Quixote has not exhausted his stupid meter yet
in fact by the time we get to the end of this travesty
Don Quixote will have maxed his stupid bar so hard
he will be able to do some kind of stupidity limit break
where he flies like sixty feet in the air
and then does a flip
and then takes a dump in his helmet or something

speaking of helmets the next thing Don Quixote does is steal one from a poor person
except it isn’t a helmet it’s just a bowl
but Don Quixote turns it into a helmet through the power of HALLUCINATIONS
and then uses some leftover hallucinations
to convince himself to release a whole bunch of CONVICTED FELONS ON A CHAINGANG
and those dudes beat the shit out of him and Sancho
and then rob them
although honestly i don’t know what they have left to steal
these dudes have been beaten and robbed so much already
and anyway the rest of their possessions are covered in vomit

but regardless Sancho starts freaking out
because you know
they’re CRIMINALS now
and he’s like FUCK LET’S FLEE TO THE MOUNTAINS
so they do
and what do they see but SOME CRAZY ASSHOLE LEAPING THROUGH THE WOODS BUTT NAKED
cause he didn’t get to bang some chick he liked
cause his shitty friend stole her
and Don Quixote is like aw hell no
is someone trying to out-crazy me?
I AM NOW ALSO NAKED AND LEAPING THROUGH THE FOREST
ALSO BEATING MY FACE AGAINST TREES
TAKE THAT
PS sancho take a letter to my fair Dulcinea
tell her i’m crazy now
and Sancho is like fuckkkk that’s going to take forever

but luckily on his way to complete this shitty mission
Sancho runs into Don Quixote’s old friends the priest and the barber
and he’s like DUDES
I NEED YOUR HELP
DON QUIXOTE IS TOTALLY FUCKING BALLSACK SHITHOUSE NUTBASKETS
and the priest and the barber are like oh shit
stop the presses
and sancho is like seriously dudes
his crazy is starting to impinge on my good times
and they are like ok fine
one of us will dress up as a damsel
and be like hey Don Quixote come save us
and then we will lead him home ok?

SO THIS IS WHAT THEY PROCEED TO DO
but then when they get to the mountains
they run into some chick named Dorothea
who is all butthurt cause she got abandoned
by the same dude who stole crazy mcnakedpants’ sex target
WHAT AN ODD COINCIDENCE
and the priest or the barber or whatever
is like shit girl
you are an actual woman
whereas i am only dressed as a woman
here
put on this dress
let’s go fool an idiot
so they do that
and Dorothea isn’t very good at it
but it’s okay because Don Quixote is even less good at BEING IN TOUCH WITH REALITY
so he agrees to follow them back to town
and so does nakedpants
who i guess i should start calling Cardenio now cause he just put on some pants
and they weren’t even nakedpants or anything
he decides to come along cause Dorothea tells him that the chick the other dude stole
still has total ladyboners for him

SO THEY ALL CLIMB OUT OF THE MOUNTAINS TOGETHER
and where do they end up?
THE SAME FUCKING INN DON QUIXOTE WAS AT BEFORE
Spain just does not have any other inns
pretty sure
and the Inkeeper is like aw fuck
it’s that crazy guy again
maybe we should burn all our books about knights
wait no that’s a stupid plan that will never work
in fact how about instead we READ SOME OF THEM OUT LOUD

so the priest reads a story about these dudes Anselmo and Lothario
it is basically about how Anselmo goes to Lothario and is like dude
make my wife cheat on me with you
and Lothario is like naw
and Anselmo is like come on
and Lothario is like shit well ok
and then bones the dudes’ wife and they run away together
and the moral of the story is maybe don’t hire your best friend to fuck your wife?

ANYWAY BACK TO THE REAL STORY
DON QUIXOTE IS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SOME WINESKINS
dammit i wish we hadn’t gone back to the real story
i guess he thinks the wineskins are giants
but then again
he thinks EVERYTHING is giants
so that’s unsurprising
BUT SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS THAT IS SURPRISING:
THE DUDE WHO STOLE CARDENIO’S WOMAN SHOWS UP
ALONG WITH THE WOMAN HE STOLE
SUDDENLY EVERYONE IS REUNITED AND IT IS GREAT
THEY ARE ALL TOTALLY GOING TO GET MARRIED TO THE RIGHT PEOPLE NOW
THANK YOU DON QUIXOTE FOR BRINGING US ALL TOGETHER
WITH YOUR STUPID SWORD AND YOUR STUPIDER IDEAS ABOUT HOW TO USE YOUR STUPID SWORD

but that is not the end of the ridiculous stream of people who show up here
because while Don Quixote is busy claiming the inn is enchanted
and yelling about how great it is to be a knight
a dude and a chick show up from MOORELAND
I MEAN ALGIERS SORRY
yea basically the dude wants to get the chick baptized and then marry her
cause he was in prison and she dropped some money on his head
BUT THAT IS NOT ALL MY FRIENDS
BECAUSE HERE COMES THE ALGERIAN DUDE’S LONG LOST BROTHER WHO IS A JUDGE
ALSO HIS SUPER HOT DAUGHTER CLARA
seriously
are there no other inns in spain?
anyway then it turns out some asshole has been following Clara around
singing love songs through her window like a total stalker
so she decides to get married to him
and WHOA LOOK AT THAT 4X MARRIAGE COMBO
3 MILLION POINT STUPID MODIFIER
LEVEL UP
so yeah then there’s some more violence
i don’t even fucking remember why at this point
and then the cops show up
and they’re like holy shit there’s that dude who released all those felons
GET HIM
and everyone is like dudes
chill out
look at this guy
he is covered in vomit standing on his shitty horse
yelling about how the pan he is wearing on his head is the legendary MAMBRINO’S HELMET
you do not want a guy like this shitting up your nice prison
he pleads insanity ok?
so the cops are like fine
and leave
and then the barber and the priest knock out Don Quixote
and put him in a cage
and drag him back home
and the whole time Don Quixote is totally convinced he is enchanted
which is his default assumption about anything and everything
and they eventually get him back home
and the stays there for a while
until he busts out again for another MONUMENTAL CAVALCADE OF BULLSHIT
but that shit is in book two
which i will do AT A LATER DATE

so the moral of the story
is if you have lost your true love
and you are thinking about going crazy/killing yourself
chill the fuck out for a second
and just try and locate a violently delusional psychopath covered in kitchenware
your true love will not be far away

THE END.

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Don Quixote Stupids His Way To Success (Part 1)

Alright so first of all
I want to thank invincible sex god Brett Mansaw
for paying me money to tell one of my favorite stories ever
second of all
I want to actually tell the story

Jesus christ Don Quixote

first off I guess I should tell you
that the dude who is widely credited with writing this story
is a huge buttface liar
who pretends he just FOUND this shit lying around somewhere
and is basically just faithfully copying it down
BULLSHIT
ANCIENT SCRIBES DID NOT CHRONICLE NEARLY THIS MUCH VOMIT AND DUMB
i mean actually they did
but still
I call bullshit

but anyway this is a story about the craziest motherfucker in the galaxy
his name is Don Quixote like I said
and his MO is to ride into situations on a shitty horse
and just injure as many people as he can before someone knocks his teeth out
HERE IS HOW HE GETS STARTED WITH THE DOING THAT:

basically he’s just this really rich dude
with nothing to do
and a huge library full of stories like these
so pretty quick his mind just does a shithouse swandive into the crazy dumpster
and he wakes up one day like OH SHIT I’M A KNIGHT ERRANT
WHY AM I ONLY REALIZING THIS NOW?
so he gets on a worthless fucking horse
named Rocinante
and he puts on some armor that has been in his family for generations
back when there were people in his family who could be trusted with sharp things
and he makes a new visor for his helmet out of like plywood
and OFF HE GOES

so the first thing he does
is he shows up at some inn
and he sees a couple of whores
and he is like oh look
what a lovely pair of princesses
hey princesses what is up
and they’re like oh shit looks like someone crashed the crazybus into the idiot boat
oh well it’s not every day a dude DOESN’T try and co-opt us for a loveless threesome
let’s feed him dinner
and then during dinner Don Quixote is like OH FUCK
I FORGOT TO GET KNIGHTED
and he runs over to the inkeeper like FUCKING KNIGHT ME ASSHOLE
and the inkeeper is like uh
you got any money?
and Don Quixote is like NOPE
and the inkeeper is like fuck dude
try having some fucking money sometimes
and Don Quixote is like CAN’T
TOO BUSY BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR CUSTOMERS
IN THE NAME OF THIS PEASANT CHICK I KIND OF HALF MADE UP

oh yeah
i forgot to tell you
right at the outset Don Quixote decides he has to have some dame to worship
and to send all his defeated enemies to and whatnot
so he picks a farmer chick he had a crush on like way back in the day
and he changes her name to Dulcinea
not sure what her name was originally
probably something like Dumple or Frank
but NO TIME FOR ANY MORE EXPOSITION DON QUIXOTE IS FIGHTING NOW

so the inkeeper gets so freaked by the violence
that he is like whoa whoa dude
come over here stop murdering let me knight you right quick
it requires an elaborate ritual that involves you not killing my customers
ok now get the fuck out of here
and Don Quixote gets the fuck out of there

and he starts going home to try and get some money and shit
and on the way he sees some kid getting whipped by some dude
who is his boss
and is like hey dude stop beating that kid
and the boss is like I SWEAR I WILL STOP ON MY HONOR AS A KNIGHT
and Don Quixote is like sounds good
but JOKE’S ON HIM
THAT DUDE WASN’T A KNIGHT
actually joke’s on the kid
he gets whipped hardcore

then Don Quixote tries to attack some merchants for basically no reason
falls off his horse
gets the shit kicked out of him
and one of his servants finds him a few days later and brings him home
RESOUNDING SUCCESS

so now Don Quixote is back home
passed the fuck out in his room
meanwhile his friends the barber and the priest show up
and start raiding his library
with the help of his niece
who just wants to burn everything
and actually everyone kind of wants to burn at least SOME books
to prevent Don Quixote from executing a 2x lunacy combo
except the priest is kind of a huge nerd
so he keeps seeing books and being like OOP GOTTA KEEP THIS
but eventually they settle on a huge pile of books to burn
and then they wall up the entrance to the library
and then when Don Quixote wakes up they are like OH FUCK A SORCERER DID IT

GUYS
IF YOU ARE TRYING TO KEEP HIM FROM RUNNING AROUND PRETENDING TO BE A KNIGHT
DON’T TELL HIM A WIZARD KILLED HIS BOOKS
HE IS PROBABLY GOING TO GO LOOKING FOR THE WIZARD
and yes
predictably that is exactly what the man does

except this time he is not content to just go alone
no
he needs someone to pick him up when he inevitably faceplants in the dirt
so he gets this poor farmer dude Sancho Panza
who is pretty much just a bulging sack of greed
held together with a little bit of cunning and a WHOLE LOT OF STUPID
and he is like hey Sancho
howsabout you leave your wife to come have crazytime with me
and eventually I will hook you up with a sweet island
and Sancho Panza is like WHERE DO I SIGN
and Don Quixote is like NO TIME FOR THAT I HAVE TO KILL THESE GIANTS
and Sancho Panza is like NO YOU IDIOT THOSE ARE WINDMILLS
and Don Quixote is like THEY WERE GIANTS A FEW MINUTES AGO
I TOTALLY SAW THEM
CLEARLY A WIZARD WAS INVOLVED
NOW I AM INJURED BUT WHATEVER IT’S COOL
then they sleep outside because they’re lost/morons

actually when i say they sleep
i mean Sancho sleeps
Don Quixote doesn’t sleep
or put food and water in his mouth
basically he is a robot that eats sanity and shits violence
but less cool than that sounds
anyway at least one of them goes to sleep

and the rest is going to have to wait til Saturday
because this book is fucking LONG
like it is a sextuple-decker failure sandwich with all the trimmings
and my jaw is only so wide my friends
ONLY SO WIDE

demonstrably NOT the end.

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THE GODDAMN INFERNO

Oh shit I forgot I was totally gonna thank the awesome people who made my blog better
first of there is the fucking brilliant fantastic S. MELVILLE
who made this thing and wrote this thing and this thing
and also made this whole website look amazing
and ALSO my good buddy Amauri Siegel
who just illustrated THIS MYTH (about halfway down the page)
and is illustrating MORE OF THEM RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND
anyway my throat works so here is me yelling

I will NEVER run out of hats.

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Romeo and Juliet Are Doing It Wrong

Alright so love right

we already know it makes people do some pretty wild shit
but who could have suspected
that the wildest shit of all
would be done by a couple of thirteen year olds
with ready access to swords and poison
oh that’s right
EVERYBODY

but lemme back up real quick
no use skipping to the end
my girlfriend always gets mad at me when i do that
or she would
if I HAD a girlfriend
how do you think i have time to write all these myths guys
anyway yeah what we are dealing with in this story
is there are two noble royal rich as fuck houses
the Capulets and the Montagues
now the main trait of the Capulets
is that they really fucking hate Montagues
and the Montagues are more or less defined
by the unusual extent to which they hate the capulets
remove this and the ENTIRE POWER STRUCTURE WOULD CRUMBLE
seriously these dudes hate each other a whole lot
like one time a bunch of Capulets are walking down the street
and one of them just happens to nibble on one of his fingers
in the direction of some fucking Montague
BAM
STREETFIGHT
so that should give you an idea of the kind of bullshit we’re dealing with

now the prince is sick to fucking death of this tomfoolery
so he makes a law that is like hey guys
next dude to perpetuate this age-old rivalry
GETS SKULLFUCKED RIGHT THE FUCK OUT OF TOWN
so that puts a damper on the rampant murdering
FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES

meanwhile there is this dude Romeo
he is the son of Mister Montague himself
and he’s totally pining the shit out of himself over some broad named Rosaline
who the fuck is she
could be anyone
remember
ROMEO IS THIRTEEN YEARS OLD
ROSALINE COULD BE A GODDAMN WASHING MACHINE FOR ALL WE KNOW
HE HAS PRETTY MUCH JUST DISCOVERED HE HAS A PENIS
SLAP A PAIR OF TITS ON A FUCKING BICYCLE
AND IT SUDDENLY BECOMES PRIME WIENER-RUBBING REAL ESTATE
so Romeo’s homie Benvolio gets on his case about it
like dude come on get over this bitch she’s not worth it
I can get you like fourteen or fifteen different varieties of laid man
a whole exotic box of chocolates full of sexual hijinks
bro i am such an excellent wingman
that if you were to duct tape one of me to each arm
you would ACTUALLY BE ABLE TO FLY
AND I WOULD GET YOU LAID IN MIDAIR
look man i have a plan
see Capulet is having this sweet masquerade ball
and as we all know the hottest chicks
are the ones who would straight up murder you if they knew who you were
so how about we put on some really absurd masks
and get our freak on with some bad decisions
and romeo is like FINE BUT I’M NOT GOING TO ENJOY IT

but it turns out Romeo is wrong about this
in fact romeo being wrong about things is going to kind of be a running theme
because see Romeo has been at this party all of SIX SECONDS
when he falls head over pubes for this masked chick
and they take off their masks to start making out
and HOLY SHIT IT’S JULIET
DAUGHTER OF MISTER CAPULET
HOW COULD THINGS GET ANY MORE CONVENIENTLY DRAMATIC
also where the fuck is Benvolio during all this
isn’t the whole point of having a wingman
so that you don’t end up doing shit like
going home with some kind of transvestite tyrannosaur
or THE DAUGHTER OF YOUR FATHERS’ BLOOD RIVAL?
my current theory
is that Benvolio was using all his wingman powers on himself
and probably getting his dick sucked by a rotating lazy susan COVERED IN HOT CHICKS
then he probably fucked the lazy suzan because it had a girls’ name
BENVOLIO: Perhaps the only person who comes out ahead in this play?

anyway Romeo totally forgets about Rosaline
which I guess is a good thing
but it is balanced out by an incredibly bad thing
which is that now he is in love with a chick
who HE CANNOT BE SEEN WITH UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH
of course this doesn’t stop romeo
from jumping the walls around Juliet’s house
and serenading her with all this poetic bullshit
about how she is like the sun
or some light that breaks the window over there or something
to be honest I don’t really understand shakespeare very well
anyway Juliet is so turned on by this shit
that she is like OH SHIT LET’S BONE
BUT WAIT
FIRST LET’S LEGITIMIZE IT WITH MARRIAGE

whoa
slow down there soggypants
MARRIAGE?
YOU LITTLE SHITS HAVE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR TWO DAYS
PERHAPS I DO NOT HAVE A LOT OF FAITH IN THE POWER OF LOVE
BUT I FEEL LIKE TWO DAYS
IS A SHORT MOTHERFUCKING TIMEFRAME FOR MARRIAGE
you sure you guys wouldn’t rather like
go steady for a little while?
seriously all you assholes know about each other
is that you both like smooching
and that your romance is FOOLHARDY AND DANGEROUS
but no worries guys
here comes Friar Lawrence
enabling ALL your bad teenage decisions
because he thinks getting these fucks married
might make peace between the goddamn hatfields and mccoys over here
BOY IS HE WRONG

see no sooner have Romeo and Juliet gotten secretly married
then Juliet’s cousin Tybalt finds out that Romeo crashed that mask party
and decides to go fuck his shit up
pause for a second
does anyone else think Tybalt sounds like a brand of dogfood?
anyone?
ok unpause
so Tybalt
who I envision as Biff from back to the future
is like hey McFly
how about i stab you for trespassing on my fucking party
and Romeo is like dude I’m kind of your cousin in law now
it would be pretty gauche of me to murder you
and Tybalt is like ARE YOU SAYING YOU COULD TAKE ME
and romeo is like dude chill out i am trying to get my bone on over here
and Tybalt is like RAAAAAAAAA
and finally Romeo’s OTHER buddy Mercutio
who is like several years older than basically everybody else
but for some reason hangs out with all these shitty people
shows up like dammit
Romeo
why you gotta be such a pussy
now I’VE gotta stab this guy with swords
AND THEN IT IS FIGHT TIME
but Romeo does not want it to be fight time
so he jumps right in the middle of the fight
distracting his friend long enough
for his friend to get gutstabbed by Tybalt
and that pisses off romeo so much that Romeo kills Tybalt
and then with his dying breath Mercutio is like
I hope you guys all get aids

so remember when I said the Prince made that law about murdering?
well Tybalt is dead so he can’t get punished for shit
SO IT LOOKS LIKE ROMEO IS THE ONLY GUY WHO GETS FUCKED OVER
yeah he kind of gets exiled on pain of death
but not before spending a night boning up a secret righteous storm
with bad-decisions barbie over here
hey Friar Lawrence
great job bringing peace and everything
dick

so meanwhile Juliet is bummed all the way out
and her dad interprets this as a burning desire
to get married to some asshole named paris
GUYS
NO ONE NAMED PARIS IS A QUALITY HUMAN BEING
HISTORY HAS SHOWN THIS
anyway Juliet is like shit i can’t tell my dad
what is really going on
I need some kind of stupid and desperate plan
and Friar Lawrence is like hm
stupid desperate plans are my specialty
here
drink this poison I made
it will only kill you for 2 days
then you will wake up in a creepy cemetery
and we can send a letter to romeo to let him know to pick you up
and everything will be great and nothing will suck
WHAT COULD GO WRONG

so Juliet chugs poison and dies
(TEMPORARILY)
(FOR NOW)
and Friar Lawrence sends the messenger to get Romeo
but apparently Friar Lawrence has shitty messengers
because before the messenger gets there
some other messenger arrives
and is like hey dude
Juliet’s dead
and Romeo is like OH FUCK
THERE GOES MY REASON FOR LIVING
and he buys out the local poison warehouse
and then goes to Juliet’s tomb
where he finds that asshole paris hunched over her dead body
prolly fondling her boob
and so Romeo kills that guy
and then he drinks poison and dies
because you see
only chumps settle for diamonds
if you really want to show her you love her:
MURDER-SUICIDE

so Juliet wakes up literally like a minute later
due to the magic of THEATRICAL TIMING
and she is like aw fuckbucket
now I gotta kill myself for realsies
so she does that
with a knife this time
making her officially more manly than her boyfriend
or wait I’m sorry
HUSBAND
or shit I mean
FUCKING RETARDED CORPSE

so the moral of the story is
the secret to any good relationship
is communication

BUT THAT IS NOT ALL MY FRIENDS AND NEIGHBORS
because the whole point of my telling this myth today
was as a very roundabout way
of asking this classy dame Paige
if she would be willing
to give a shot to an equally classy dude
named Nick

NOW PAIGE
READ/LISTEN TO MY WORDS VERY CLOSELY:
YOUR HYPOTHETICAL ROMANCE WITH NICK WILL NOT
I REPEAT
WILL NOT
BE ANYTHING LIKE ROMEO AND JULIET’S SEX DISASTER
in fact
i’m pretty sure the purpose of me telling you this
is to illustrate for you the exact OPPOSITE
of what going out with this Nick guy is gonna be like
and just for the record I checked this guy’s background for you
he does not have any swords
and his lips are refreshingly free of poison
also I’m pretty sure he’s not 13
because a thirteen year old would not be able to afford my services
either that
or he is an extremely financially secure thirteen year old
in which case i suggest riding that money train
all the way to the money train station
so seriously
trust a love expert
START SMOOCHING NOW THERE IS NO TIME TO WASTE

The end.

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