Holy shit what the fuck is wrong with Spring-Heeled Jack

He’s this guy
well really more of a creature actually
who starts showing up in England around 1837
about the same time the telegraph is invented actually
guys wikipedia is great
anyway spring-heeled jack
is this thing
that can jump like fifty feet in the air
and wears a coat
with what is basically spandex underneath it
and he wears metal claws on his fingers
and also he has glowing red eyes
ARE YOU SCARED YET

you will be when i tell you what he does
basically
he jumps in front of carriages and scares the drivers
and then they crash
the end

wait WHAT?
you’ve got glowing eyes and you can jump inhuman heights
and you restrict yourself to doing shit
that could be just as easily accomplished
by a bottle of whiskey in the passenger seat

NO NO WAIT GUYS I’M SORRY
it turns out spring heeled jack does other shit too
scary shit
like he jumps out of alleys
for surprise makeout and clothes-ripping sessions
with random ladies
okay this is actually pretty creepy
although it kind of reeks of fanfic if you ask me

alright so I’m willing to maybe admit this dude is kind of a threat
i know i’d like to be able to walk down the street
without some dude ripping my shirt off and sticking his tongue in my mouth
some day…
some day…
but guess what guys?
pretty soon everyone starts saying spring-heeled jack
is just some dude
who a bunch of rich dudes made a bet with
that he couldn’t dress up like a demon
or a bear
(yeah at one point he shows up in some dude’s yard
dressed as a bear
and chases him for about an hour
before giving up and climbing back out of his yard)
or a ghost
and then proceed to make himself a public menace
by invading homes and literally scaring women senseless
so basically this dude is a one-man precursor
to reality television

OR IS HE?
see
if there is one thing I know about ordinary dudes
it is that no matter how poor their judgement is
or who bets them to do what to who
they DO NOT SHOOT FIRE OUT OF THEIR MOUTHS
whereas spring heeled jack?
that is exactly the kind of shit he is all about
like there’s this one time
this dude comes up to this chick Jane Alsop’s door
like HEY HEY WE CAUGHT SPRING HEELED JACK
FOLLOW ME OUT TO THE DESERTED ALLEYWAY WHERE WE CAPTURED HIM
and Jane is like DURR OKAY LEMME JUST LEAVE MYSELF TOTALLY VULNERABLE REAL QUICK
at which point the dude
who
– BIG SURPRISE –
is spring-heeled jack
proceeds to breathe BLUE FIRE AT HER
and do his half-assed limp dick molestation routine
and then jump away

OH WAIT DID I SAY HE DID THIS ONCE
NO HE DOES THIS SHIT TWICE
the second time is a lot lamer
in that he is just sort of standing in an alleyway
and some chicks walk by
and then he breathes fire in one of their faces
and then BOING BOING BOING
gets the fuck out of there
i feel like this dude is starting to lose his edge

but that is not the kicker
no no no
see a few years later
there is this military base in a place called Aldershot
and there is this guard on duty right
and he sees this weird dude walking towards his post
and he is like hey man
what the fuck are you doing here
and the man doesn’t say shit
just keeps walking closer
so the guard starts shooting him
which solves nothing
i guess because spring heeled jack is invincible
and then he walks right up next to the soldier
and SLAPS HIS FACE SEVERAL TIMES

OKAY GUYS
I KNOW I SAID DERAILING CARRIAGES WAS LAME
BUT THAT AT LEAST KILLED PEOPLE
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
THIS SHIT IS SO LAME
IT HAS TO GET WHEELED AROUND ON WHEELCHAIRS
WITH WHEELCHAIRS FOR WHEELS
BECAUSE THE WHEELCHAIRS THEMSELVES ARE LAME
IT IS JUST THIS MASSIVE PYRAMID OF LAME WHEELCHAIRS
SUPPORTING THIS BLOATED DISPLAY
OF SUPERPOWERED DICKERY
ROLLS OF FAT ALL SPILLING OVER THE ARMRESTS
GETTING CAUGHT IN THE BUSTED WHEELS
FURTHER INCAPACITATING THE PATHETIC ROLLING JUNKYARD
OF SHEER CONCENTRATED LAME
WHEELING DOWN ENGLISH STREETS AND ALLEYWAYS

and after that mentions of him kind of start to wind down
and eventually he stops being mentioned altogether
i guess because the idea of an evil spirit
whose sole purpose is to smack you upside the head
and/or rip your clothes and breathe nonlethal fire at you
is kind of unexciting after the first TEN FUCKING MINUTES

so yeah basically
the moral of the story
is some people are just dicks
and some people just have superpowers
and it is when these two subsets of the population collide
that we get the most truly pointless bullshit

the end.