ok so Ceyx

(kind of sounds like sex
if you pronounce it right)
he is this dude
who gets all worried and shit
because this other dude Peleus
hears about some crazyass wolf
eating the fuck out of a bunch of cows
on some island somewhere
this is the kind of thing you get upset about in ancient greece
they do not have party politics at this point i am pretty sure

anyway ceyx decides he’s gotta go see some fucking oracle
not the oracle at delphi
a different one
but in order to go see this oracle
he has to go on a boat
and his wife Alcyone is like NO DONT DO IT
TOTALLY GONNA DIE MAN
and ceyx is like no its cool
and Alcyone is like oh ok
so the ceyx gets on a boat
and it pretty much immediately sinks
like maybe a day later or something
the water turns black and there is a fucking whirlpool
seriously what the fuck
i accept that the gods are responsible for all these things
and that being the case
why they gotta be like that?

so meanwhile Alcyone is being painfully oblivious back home
knitting fucking sweaters and shit
and like
burning incense to juno
all like hey woman get my husband back alive k
and juno is listening to this shit like fuuuuuuck
listen bitch there’s nothing i can do
dude’s dead
he fucking drowned ok
but alcyone can’t hear her
over all her knitting

so finally juno hits up her main chick Iris
and is like Iris
go down to that dude hypnos
GOD OF SLEEP
and be like hey send a dream to alcyone
to tell her her husband’s dead
and alcyone is like sure no problem

so she shows up down in slumbertown
and is like hey hypnos
and she has to yell at him for like a solid decade
before that dude wakes up
and he is like yawn hey
what’s good
and iris is like nothing
nothing is good
i need you to tell this chick that her husband is dead
and hypnos is like sure let me get morpheus

so hypnos goes and wakes up morpheus
who is the god of pretending to be people in your dreams
which i think is a sweet job
but that is immaterial
anyway morpheus goes and shows up in alcyone’s dream
like hey hey hey it’s me ceyx
your husband
i’m dead
get used to it
and then Alcyone wakes up like WAAAAAAAH HUSBAND
FUCK ARE YOU DEAD OR SOMETHING
I GUESS YOU MUST BE OTHERWISE I WOULDN’T HAVE HAD THAT DREAM

so then the next morning
she goes out walking on the shore
or like the cliffs or whatever
for some reason in all these myths
i always have the same mental image of some cliffs
that all the ships depart from for some reason
even though you can’t hitch a ship to some fucking cliffs
call it artistic license
for my mind’s eye or whatever
anyway she’s hanging out somewhere
being sad
when all of a sudden a body rolls up on the coast
and she is like oh fuck
is that
yeah that’s my husband
and she runs over to the body
all sad and stuff
and she is SO SAD
she turns into a bird
but that doesn’t make her any happier
and in fact
even as a bird
she is SO
SO SAD
that her grief turns CEYX into a bird also
and they go fuck and cry or something forever

so the moral of the story is
when conventional medicine fails
try turning into a bird

the end.