don’t go thinking this is gonna happen all the time
but sometimes maybe I will do a thing
where I just write something that is not a myth and post in on saturday
or do SOMETHING
I don’t know
but today I really just have something I need to get off my chest
it is about boats

guys I think the airplane metaphor for sex is way overplayed
wingman?
come on
where does a wingman even go
does he have to hold on to the wind of the supersonic jet that is your sexuality?
DOES NOT SOUND FUN
and you know what happens when you set yourself up with airplane imagery, right?
You get SHOT DOWN
and then you CRASH AND BURN
why would you take an already difficult and dangerous situation:
BONING
and staple it to basically the most highly dangerous form of transport
that you could POSSIBLY IMAGINE
might as well call your wingman your DYNOMITE TRAIN CONDUCTOR
or ELITE SPACESHIP JET FIGHTER ROBOT DROIDPAL
and I mean
while those both sound sweet
they do not leave you open to high probabilities of sexytimes
Piloting an elite spaceship jet fighter is HARD guys
and when it comes to sexytimes
the only thing that should be hard
is your PENIS
or someone else’s penis depending on if you are a guy or a girl or a gay dude
or maybe SEVERAL PENISES if you’re into that
or maybe no penises at all if you’re into THAT
look I don’t know
the common denominator is penises, though

and see on the other hand, boats are great
boats are super sexy
they have naked chicks on the front of them sometimes
and they go on the ocean
which everyone knows moves in a manner similar to sex
see also: the sea is a harsh mistress
also
huge, throbbing masts
also
if you fall out of a boat YOU DON’T NEED A FUCKING PARACHUTE TO NOT DIE IMMEDIATELY
YOU NEED SOME WOOD
OR A SMALLER BOAT
OR BASICALLY JUST ANYTHING AT ALL THAT DOESN’T SINK
AND DID ANYONE CATCH THAT I JUST SAID WOOD?
COME ON GUYS
your chances are way better with boats is what i’m saying
plus, consider this:
the mile high club is old news
anyone can buy a plane ticket and get all steamy in a cramped bathroom
full of 1-ply toilet paper and broken dreams
but what about the TWENTY THOUSAND LEAGUES UNDER THE SEA CLUB
no i’m not talking about a club for people who have read that book
Shit, I never read that book
I spent the time I would have spent reading that book
getting laid in a SUBMARINE

so as you guys may know
I have already suggested a number of helpful alternatives
to our current aerocentric set of sex metaphors
for starters, we can replace wingman with poon sextant
and for a handy feminine alternative
something that the current SEXIST AIRPLANE SYSTEM does not allow for
we get titcaptain
also titstrolabe
with me so far?

okay, but see those are just the basics.
there’s a whole lot of nautical instruments out there
and the more of them we sexualize
the larger our arsenal of sexy sea terms becomes
or should I say be-CUMS
no
okay so anyway
let’s see
first we’ve got the terms that need no reworking
I’m talking about things like First Mate, Bulk Head, Poop deck
and I Like The Cut of Your Jib
but if we really want to make this work we’ve got to get creative
so for the discerning sexophile
looking to get “nauti” with some “seamen”
we’ve got the SpyglAss
the Main MAsst
the CutlAss
and the all-important CumpAss
or Cum-pass
although I don’t know how many situations you’re going to be in
where you really need to pass some cum around
maybe this goes hand in hand with that multiple penises thing I talked about earlier

but guys
nautical sexy talk is more than just finding the word ass buried inside other words
(much like a pirate buries treasure on a secret island
or like an ass-pirate buries treasure in a secret ass)
nautical sexy talk is a LIFESTYLE
don’t ask if they want to come back to your place
ask if they want to come back to the captain’s quarters
or if you’re feeling frisky
the captain’s hindquarters
Break the ice with “what’s kraken?”
and when that doesn’t work, bid them goodbye with a “sea you later.”
Take the time to find out what you really WOULD do with a drunken sailor
THE POSSIBILITIES ARE AS VAST AS THE BOUNDLESS HORIZON OF THE OCEAN HERSELF
AND LIKE, SIX TIMES AS SEXY
but I’m tired now, and I figure I’ve given you plenty to work with
so arm the cannons and hoist those masts, mateys
WE’VE GOT A WHALE TO CATCH

no wait that sounded wrong.