Alright so ZEUS

he’s chilling up on mount olympus
after making a whole bunch of seasons and shit
and i guess he hears a rumor or something
about how everyone on earth sucks?
so he is like NAW IT CAN’T POSSIBLY BE TRUE
HOWSABOUT I ASSUME MORTAL FORM AND FIND DAT SHIT OUT

so zeus goes ahead and becomes a mortal for a bit
and miraculously
DOES NOT BANG ANY HOT CHICKS WHILST DOING SO
see i guess this was back in the old days
before zeus had time to develop his powerful buttthirst
instead what he does
is he goes around like hey guys
are you all assholes
and everyone is like YES WE TOTALLY ARE
and zeus is like dammit really
and they are like WATCH LET US PROVE IT
WE WILL RAPE AND MURDER EACH OTHER
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
and zeus is like i’m gonna keep walking is that ok

so then he ends up in the kingdom of this dude Lycaon
who is king shit of being unpleasant
and zeus shoes up in his big hall or whatever
and he’s like hey
you know there’s a god here right now
not saying it’s me or anything
but
you know
he is at the very least
a good friend of mine
WINK WINK WINK GOD DAMMIT

So Lycaon is like
pretty sure you aren’t a god dude
watch ima prove it
hey guys kill this dude in his sleep
also boil a bunch of other dudes and serve them to this guy
seriously it will be great
i call it
THE ULTIMATE PRANK

so of course zeus gets IMMEDIATELY SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT
and he blows everyone up with a thunderbolt
and Lycaon is like shit shit shit
time to get the fuck out of here
only now he is a wolf all of a sudden
and instead of running away
he starts mauling all his sheep
and everyone else’s sheep
and a bunch of people probably as well
basically just maintaining the same level of being an asshole
that he stuck to throughout his whole life
this is a guy who is committed to sucking

so then zeus is like GRR SO MAD
GONNA KILL ALL HUMANS
and the other gods are like wait
who will worship us then
come on this shit is important
and zeus is like WHATEVER I’LL MAKE NEW PEOPLE
THEY’LL TOTALLY SUCK LESS
GUYS DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS
IT IS THUNDERBOLT OCLOCK

so he picks up his thunderbolts
and he is about to turn earth into an electric murder carnival
when he is like hold on
the heat of everything catching on fire at once
might set olympus on fire
FUUUUUUUUUCK
so he puts his lightning bolts away
and resolves to probably not murder everyone

so net result:
Lycaon gets to be a sweet wolf
world not destroyed
moral of the story?
if you run into a god
either don’t piss them off
or piss them off AS HARD AS YOU CAN

the end.

Alright guys i know you are itching for a myth
the way a scab itches for some sweet calamine lotion
and i am going to give you one
but since i just drove from pittsburgh to new york city
it is going to be a short myth
and then i am going to fall face down into this couch i am looking at

ok

so Aurora right

she’s some bullshit useless goddess
who happens to have a son fighting in the trojan war
this is not remarkable
EVERYONE has a son fighting in the goddamn trojan war
it is like HEY MOTHERS
DO YOU HAVE SOME EXTRA SONS YOU NEED SENSELESSLY BUTCHERED
TRY THIS WAR

but anyway her kid Memnon dies
due to a common hazard of the trojan war:
achilles
specifically a spear thrown by achilles
and once he is dead
his mom is all BOO HOO HOO I AM SO SAD MY SON IS DEAD
I AM SUCH A USELESS GODDESS WHY DIDNT I SAVE HIM
but instead of like
getting revenge on achilles
like some other much less worthless goddess would have done
aurora decides to go crying to Zeus
all like ZEUS
I KNOW I’M BASICALLY THE AQUAMAN OF THE GREEK PANTHEON
BUT I GIVE GOOD HEAD SO CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR
and zeus is like i’m listening
and Aurora is like give my son at least some honor
and zeus is like sure ok
can we move on to the blowjob phase of this transaction

so then
right when Memnon is getting cremated
a HUGE AMOUNT OF SMOKE happens
and it fucking blots out EVERYTHING
and then
and then
it TURNS INTO BIRDS
WHAT
WHAT IS THIS
BIRDS?
WHY IS IT BIRDS ALL OF A SUDDEN
WHO THE FUCK KNOWS
IN THE LIGHTNING ADDLED BRAIN OF ZEUS
APPARENTLY BIRDS = HONOR
ok so those birds divide into 2 groups
and then they beat the shit out of each other for a bit
and then they land
and they become known as the daughters of memnon
apparently because he died too early to have real daughters
and then every year they come back to the same place
and peck the fuck out of each other again
it is like a tradition
a very brutal pointless tradition

so the moral of the story
is if you are going to have a goddess for a mom
try to have a less shitty one than aurora
one that can save your life in battle
instead of turning your smoking corpse into some angry birds

THE END