desperate sweaty thankyou
to human machinegun Dirk “Manshanks” Killkinson
for hooking me up with money to tell this incredibly brutal myth
and also giving me an incredibly sweet title for this post
PS if someone has a copy of the Tain lying around and wants to send it to me
that would be great because i am sick of trying to research this shit on the internet

OH FUCK IT’S CUCHULAINN TIME AGAIN

ARE YOU GUYS READY?
ARE YOU HOLDING ONTO YOUR ASSES?
BECAUSE AT ANY MOMENT CUCHULAINN MAY REACH OUT OF YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN
AND HAND THEM TO YOU
ALL OF YOU
ALL THE ASSES

okay so first of all you gotta know a little backstory
cause there are these two swineherds right
they belong to these two different gods who don’t really matter
but they hate each other SO MUCH
they keep turning into animals and beating the shit out of each other
you know
instead of herding swine
don’t give your swineherds superpowers guys
this is the kind of shit that happens
productivity goes WAY DOWN
anyway they turn into birds or whatever
and then they get careless and some cows eat them
and thus are born these TWO REALLY SWEET BULLS
there is a white one and a brown one
and the brown one gets took by the king of Ulster
(ulster is where Cuchulainn is currently hanging out by the way)
and the white one gets taken by this chick Medb
who rules the kingdom of Connacht
except the bull is sexist
and decides it would rather belong to Medb’s husband
which is problematic because apparently in Celtic households
whoever has more money makes the rules
and Medb has a very shiny diamond dildo she’s been forcing her husband to sit on
not about to lose that privelege
so she is like OY
KING OF ULSTER
I AM OFFERING A FULL CONTACT CRASH COURSE ON MY UPPER THIGHS
COST: ONE MAGIC BROWN BULL
and the king of Ulster is like SHIT YESSSS
but then a couple of his guys overhear a couple of Medb’s guys
like haha joke’s on that asshole
if he said no we were just gonna take the bull anyway
and the king of Ulster is just like FUUUUUUUCK THAAAAAAAAAT
and Medb is like ok fine
hurry up and pull out already so i can declare war on you
AND THEN WAR BEGINS

but shit is basically as sour as possible for the people of Ulster
because due to some hilarious curse
all of the warriors in the whole damn place
are laid up with ultimate menstrual cramps
because they pissed off some sorceress or whatever
so Medb is like VICTORY IS ASSURED
but actually
victory is not assured
because remember
Cuchulainn is chilling in Ulster right now
and Cuchulainn is IMMUNE TO MENSTRUAL CRAMPS
OBVIOUSLY
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT
WHEN CUCHULAINN STARTS GETTING THOSE CRAMPS
HE JUST REACHES IN AND PULLS THEM STRAIGHT OUT OF HIS ABDOMEN
AND THEN GUTPUNCHES THEM UNTIL THEY TURN INTO GUNS
AND THEN HE SHOOTS THE POPE
JUST IN CASE

so cuchulainn is literally the ONLY DUDE IN THE WHOLE KINGDOM
who can do anything about this incoming invasion
but whoops
he kind of forgets
and starts having a bunch of sex
but then he remembers because SUDDENLY HERE COMES AN ARMY
and he is like it’s cool guys i got this
and just goes ahead and challenges EVERYONE IN THE ARMY TO SINGLE COMBAT
ONE AT A TIME
AT A RIVER
BECAUSE HE IS CUCHULAINN AND FUCK EVERYBODY
oh man i don’t think i ever told you guys
Cuchulainn has FOURTEEN FINGERS AND FOURTEEN TOES
ALSO FOURTEEN PUPILS
WHY FOURTEEN PUPILS?
BECAUSE TWO PUPILS IS NOT ENOUGH TO WITNESS THE SHEER QUANTITY OF HOMICIDE HE COMMITS
but anyway so the army of Connacht keeps sending across dudes
and Cuchulainn keeps murdering them
and this goes on for a WHILE
some people say that this is part of that story but i say fuck those people
but anyway finally Cuchulainn gets INJURED
and he is lying down injured and Connacht is advancing
and he watches a bunch of fucking little kids from Ulster
just charge at that whole army and get MASSACRED
and then Cuchulainn is like wait a second
I have two options here
I can lie here like bleeding
like a PUSSY
OR
I CAN TRANSFORM INTO A MUTANT KILLING ENGINE THAT SPITS FIRE AND BLEEDS ON PURPOSE
I CHOOSE OPTION B
and this is when the warp spasm happens

yes my friends
there is a thing in this legend
called the warp spasm
and it is like a combination of footage from transformers
voltron
and an american werewolf in london
NOW WITH MORE BLOOD
let me give you a rundown of what occurs

okay so first of all
his legs turn backwards
I have no idea how this is an ingredient for a successful murder rampage
but apparently you need your knees on the same side as your butt
also your feet and shins apparently
i guess to make room for the FIST-SIZED KNOTS OF MUSCLE THAT ARE NOW ALL UP THE FRONT
but that’s just babyshit compared to what happens to his face
in fact the muscles on his temples actually turn into knots THE SIZE OF BABYHEADS
and they are all moving around and flexing
and then one of his eyes just gets sucked all the way back into his head
until it disappears
and then the other one pops out and just hangs on his fucking face
I have no idea how being totally blind helps with murderous rage
but i guess apparently it does
also his mouthskin peels back all the way to his fucking ears
and his lungs and his liver start camping out in his throat
along with a WHOLE BUNCH OF FUCKING FIRE
oh yeah
and now BLOOD IS SHOOTING OUT OF HIS SKULL
STRAIGHT UP
JUST A FUCKING GEYSER OF BLACK BLOOD
FIFTY FEET IN THE FUCKING AIR
MY FRIENDS
IF SALVADOR DALI AND MAGRITE GANG RAPED STEPHEN KING
AND STEPHEN KING HAD A BABY
WHICH H.P. LOVECRAFT THEN ATE
AND SHAT INTO A VAT OF RADIOACTIVE HATE LOCATED IN THE SKULL OF OPTIMUS FUCKING PRIME
THE RESULT WOULD BE SLIGHTLY LESS TERRIFYING THAN WHAT CUCHULAINN IS DOING HERE
oh yeah so then he kills about five hundred people
in the cloud of black bloody mist issuing from his OWN FUCKING SCALP
also he duels some dudes and there is some honor bullshit
which ultimately just results in some dude purposefully withdrawing from the army
and leaving Cuchulainn to hatefuck a bloody canyon through all his cohorts

so at this point the army of Connacht kind of realizes that there are two options
stay here and get killed
or run away and still probably get killed
but at least not have to look at the unholy blood festival Cuchulainn has become
so they start running the fuck away
along with Medb
but BAM
right at this very moment
MEDB GETS HER PERIOD
KAPOW
NATUREBULLET TO THE COOTER
and she is like OWWW WHAT THE FUCK GOD
and Cuchulainn runs up like BITCH GONNA KILL YOU
WAIT
NO
KILLING WOMEN IS WRONG
THERE IS APPARENTLY EXACTLY ONE BRUTAL THING I WILL NOT DO
AND THAT IS KILL WOMEN
EVEN THOUGH I’M PRETTY SURE I’VE KILLED WOMEN BEFORE
so he lets her go
and he just goes back to murdering the dudes stupid enough to stay behind
and eventually the armies of Ulster get over their magic menstrual cramps
and run out of the castle and butcher whoever is left over
and no one ever bothers their stupid brown cow again

so the moral of the story is
fuck plastic surgery
the uglier you are
the badder your ass

THE ENDDDDDDDD