Since it’s Halloween in a couple minutes
i figured i’d tell you a SPOOKY TALE.
It’s about big pharma.

Ok so there are these two dudes
Utterson and Enfield
(don’t worry
there will be more dudes)
and these dudes are walking through London
and they see this shitty door
and Utterson is like “Wow, what a shitty door”
and Enfield is like “I know, right?
One time I saw a shitty dude go into that shitty door.”
And Utterson is like “Ooh tell me more.”
So Enfield is like “Okay well it was 3AM
and I was coming home from a party
and I’m all alone on this street when I see this girl running
and coming towards her from the opposite direction is this dude
just strutting down the street
and the two of them run into each other because they’re dumb I guess
and then the dude
just calmly WALKS OVER HER FACE
THIS GIRL IS TEN YEARS OLD
BRO STOMPED ON A TODDLER.
Also, he looks like a dick
I can’t explain exactly why, he just does.

“So I grab him and I’m like dude
you put your feet on a child’s face
you have to give her money for that
and he’s like sure, whatever
and then he leads me to this shitty door
the one we’re looking at right now
and he goes in and comes back out with a fat check
signed by a famous and important dude
whose name i won’t mention because I’m a gentleman.
WTF though, right?”

and Utterson is like “Yeah, seriously.
What was that jerk’s name, though?”
and Enfield is like “Edward Hyde. Why?”
And Utterson is like “OH BALLS I KNOW WHO THE RICH DUDE IS.”
BACKSTORY:
Utterson is a lawyer
and he is besties with this doctor named Henry Jekyll
who made Utterson draw up this insane will
that just said “Hey if I die
OR DISAPPEAR FOR ANY REASON
give all my money and whatnot to MISTER EDWARD HYDE.”
and at the time Utterson was like “Dude who is this Hyde guy
is he your gay lover?
I mean it’s cool if he is
we all have gay lovers around here
that’s what “bachelor” is code for in these parts
but like
I don’t think it’s a good idea to leave him ALL your money
no matter how good his dick tastes”
and Jekyll was just like “FUCK YOU YOU’RE NOT MY DAD.”

And Jekyll is right
Utterson is not his dad
(although wouldn’t that be a crazy plot twist?)
so Utterson lays off
until he finds out that Mister Hyde is a child-stomping chode
at which point he decides maybe he IS Jekyll’s dad
and starts camping out by the shitty door every night
just WAITING for Hyde to show up
and finally he does
and Enfield is right
he really DOES look like a dick
in fact he looks like such a dick
it’s his only defining trait
dudes keep seeing him all over the city
and when asked to describe him they’re all like “Well he’s kind of small
and he just looks like a dick
like, there’s nothing specifically wrong with his face or anything
it’s just like if teabagging was a face you could have
that’s the sort of impression you get when you look at this dude’s face.
then he punches you in your face and teabags you.”

anyway it turns out this shitty door is a back door to Doctor Jekyll’s lab!
GASP!
So Utterson goes to Jekyll and he’s like “Ok bro
I don’t know if you know this
but that Hyde guy you left all your money to?
He’s a guy who stomps children in the face
he’s a child-stomper
also he looks like a dick.”
and Jekyll is like “Haha oh that guy
he’s a rascal, alright
but don’t worry
I’ve got EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL.
WINK.”
Guys
can you think of one single time
when you have EVER FOUND A WINK REASSURING?
I feel like I only get winked at by people who are trying to sex my butt or sell me drugs
winking has become a tool of the creepy and the lawless.
we need to take back the wink, my friends
next time someone holds the elevator door for you
don’t just thank them
thank them and WINK
and then be stuck in the elevator with them for several floors.

Anyway, Utterson somehow manages to be reassured by Jekyll
and drops the whole thing FOR A YEAR
at which point the only female character in the entire story
calls the police and tells them mister hyde just beat some random dude to death
with a cane
in the middle of the street
and when I say random
I mean this guy walked up to mister hyde and was like “Hey
do you know the way to the post office?”
and Mister Hyde was like “I KNOW THE WAY TO THE *DEAD* OFFICE
WINK”
and then clubs him lifeless
with DOCTOR JEKYLL’S SWEET-ASS WALKING CANE.
Then he straight up disappears.

So Utterson goes over to Jekyll’s place
and he is like “I am your best bro and also your lawyer
and as such I just want to say
YOU HAVE TERRIBLE TASTE IN FRIENDS.”
and Jekyll is like “I know dude I know
Ed Hyde is a problem machine
but don’t worry
he’s gone now
for good.
WIIIIIIIIIINK.”
and Utterson is like “Well the last time you winked at me it was a disaster
but you winked way harder this time so okay.”

And for a while, shit goes back to normal
Jekyll invites everyone over for dinner parties and it’s great
but then all of a sudden he stops having parties of any kind
and in London at this time that is a SERIOUS PROBLEM
so Utterson keeps trying to go hang out
but Jekyll just keeps being like NOPE STAY AWAY
until finally Utterson gives up and is like “Welp
I guess that’s why my momma always told me never to make friends with crazy people.”

But then one day Jekyll’s butler shows up at Utterson’s house
and he’s like “AAAAAA DUDE
JEKYLL IS BEING WEIRD AND IT’S FREAKING US OUT
ACTUALLY I DON’T EVEN THINK HE’S AROUND ANYMORE
I THINK MISTER HYDE KILLED HIM
AND IS NOW HIDING IN HIS LABORATORY
PRETENDING TO BE HIM.”
and Utterson is like “FUCK YEAH LET’S RAMBO THAT LITTLE DICKBOAT OUT OF THERE”
and the butler is like “ROAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAR”
(in my head a lot of the great classics turn into Rambo about 3/4 through)

So they bust in
and Mister Hyde is in there
but he’s just like “NOOOOO” and kills himself
and they’re trying to figure out what he did with Doctor Jekyll
but they can’t figure it out because all the doors are locked
so finally they give up and start reading his mail
which is when they find this letter to Utterson
like
“Dear Utterson
You are in my will now instead of mister Hyde.
Okay, now I’m going to tell you some TOTALLY INSANE SHIT
so before continuing
you should read the letter our mutual friend sent you
you know, the doctor we always used to hang with
who delivered you a letter only to be opened in the event of my death
and then died
after he and I abruptly stopped being friends.”

So Utterson reads the letter and it’s like
“Ok dude, Jekyll and Hyde are the same person
try to act surprised
Hyde showed up at my house one night and made me make him these drugs
and then he took them and turned into Jekyll
and I was like dude
this is exactly why I stopped hanging out with you.”

So then Utterson reads Jekyll’s letter and it’s like
“Yeah dude I’ve been Hyde the whole time
basically what happened
was I realized that I wanted to be a good dude
but I also wanted to party harder than a voltron made of rockstars
and it’s hard to do both of those things and still be virtuous
so I made a drug that turns me into ultimate party douchebag
AKA Mister Hyde
so I could get it all out of my system and then be virtuous the rest of the time.
Mister Hyde is pure evil
because partying is evil and we know this.
Then I made another drug to turn me back into boring-ass Doctor Jekyll
but the problem is
being a jerk-faced partylord is WAY MORE FUN
so I kept doing it all the time
and then the antidote stopped working
and I just started going into beast mode at random times
just like, whenever
and then I killed that dude
and now I’m basically fucked
because Hyde is scared shitless of the police
and I don’t wanna go to jail either
so we’re just hiding in my lab
steady running out of drugs
(even though Hyde could prolly take all my money and move to Florida or something
dunno why he doesn’t do that
but I prolly shouldn’t let him read this in case he figures it out.)
but uh … at least you get all my money?”
And he’s right, and Utterson is rich forever.

So the moral of the story
is that friends don’t let friends do science.

The end.