I was in a record shop today
the record shop was also an arcade
I found a record entitled “So-and-So’s Waggish Tales”
and I am somewhat of a connoisseur of waggish tales
so I picked that shit up
and here is what I found:

So there’s this kid Peter
he does not give a FUCK
he lives in this crazy wolf-infested forest
and decides that today is a good day to just go blithely walking around
all over the place
totally leaving his gate open and everything
and since the gate is open
his duck also busts out the house
like QUACK QUACK QUACK TIME FOR SOME BAD DECISIONS
and then the duck jumps in the pond
and runs up on some other kind of bird
and the two of them immediately throw down
the little bird is like BITCH
WHAT KIND OF BIRD ARE YOU IF YOU CAN’T EVEN FLY?
and the duck is like DOUBLEBITCH
WHAT KIND OF BIRD ARE YOU IF YOU CAN’T EVEN SWIM?
I’LL TELL YOU WHAT KIND
A VERY DRY BIRD
VERY
VERY
DRYYYYYYY
and while the two of them are busy arguing
a cat tries to roll up and pounce on the little bird
but peter is like HEY BIRD LOOK OUT
and the bird flies into a tree
and the duck swims into the middle of the pond
and the cat is left sitting at the bottom of the tree like hm
this basically sucks
and the bird is like HAHA TWATSHANKS LOOKS LIKE GRAVITY STRIKES AGAIN

so this goes on for a while
and then Peter is like shut the fuck up guys my grandpa is coming
and grandpa mcgee comes running out like PETER YOU WORTHLESS BARGE OF TITS
WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT BLITHELY WANDERING AROUND IN THE MEADOW?
THIS FOREST IS TEEMING WITH WOLVES
TEEMING WITH THEM
GET BACK INSIDE RIGHT NOW
and peter is like pshaw
I ain’t afraid of no wolves
but he goes inside anyway because he does not want to get smacked
leaving the birds to continue hiding from the cat

but no sooner does peter go inside
then the wolf arrives
like hey guys there’s a party in my stomach and you guys are invited
and everyone is like HELL NO WE KNOW ABOUT WHAT HAPPENS AT THOSE PARTIES
and the cat climbs the tree
the bird stays the hell away from the cat
and the duck apparently has an idiot fit and jumps OUT OF THE POND
and starts running from the wolf on spindly little duck legs
so he gets eaten
OBVIOUSLY
and then peter comes back outside like oh snap
time to be all courageous and whatnot
so he climbs to the top of this big stone wall he lives behind
and from there he hops into the tree
with a whole ton of rope
and he’s like okay bird
now’s your chance to not suck a whole lot
go down there and fly around the wolf’s head til he gets dizzy and passes out
and the bird is like sure ok
so he goes down there and starts baffling that carnivore
and meanwhile peter fashions a noose out of the rope
but no
he doesn’t do the rad thing and just straight hang that wolf right there
no instead he loops the noose around the wolf’s tail
and hoists him up into the tree
predator style
and then some hunters come out of the woods
firing their weapons indiscriminately
and peter is like WHOA GUYS WHOA
first of all
there are people here that you are sort of shooting at
second of all
we can make WAY MORE MONEY by selling this wolf to the zoo
help me do that instead of doing your job
and the hunters are like uh ok
and then everyone takes the wolf to the zoo
including the grandfather
who is none too happy about any of this
because he is old and that is his job
oh and also apparently the wolf has a really faulty digestive tract
because the duck is still totally alive inside his stomach
quacking and causing a ruckus
but it’s not like anyone cuts him out or anything
no
they just leave him in there to die

so the moral of the story
is if you have someone in your life who is a constant danger/nuisance
don’t kill them
killing is wrong
sell them to the zoo

THE END