Hey guys I SAID larges and extra larges are back in stock
DID YOU NOT HEAR ME

anyway here’s a short myth that I think we can all relate to

so once upon a time there is this dude named Oeneus
but this story isn’t about him
because despite the fact that Dionysis totally goes out of his way
to provide this dude with THE FIRST GRAPE VINE
Oeneus just proceeds to sit right down
and fail to produce ANY BOOZE WHATSOEVER
so the burden of this epic discovery falls to this other dude
his name is Icarius
not Icarus
that’s a different dude

but yeah Icarius totally invents him some wine
and he’s like oh man I have all this booze
and NO FRIENDS TO SHARE IT WITH
but hey
I hear shepherds like getting fucked up
HEY SHEPHERDS
and the Shepherds are like YEAH?
and Icarius is like HERE DRINK THIS STUFF I MADE
and the shepherds are like FUCK YEAH FREE DRINKS

but guys
it turns out no one has ever gotten drunk before
and these shepherds get so balls-over-beard plastered
that they are like OH FUCK I THINK WE GOT BEWITCHED
BETTER KILL THE DUDE WHO GAVE US FREE DRINKS
so they do
then they sober up and they’re like oh right
murder
that’s a crime or something
TIME TO MAKE LIKE SHEPHERDS AND HERD OUR SHEEP THE FUCK OUT OF HERE

so they bury Icarius under a pine tree
but unfortunately for them Icarius’s dog has been watching THE WHOLE TIME
but he doesn’t maul them or anything
no
that would be too simple
instead he goes and leads Icarius’s daughter Eragon to the body
and then digs up the corpse
presumably to freak her shit out
or because he thinks dead bodies are cool
dogs are weird
but anyway Eragon’s immediate rational response is to hang herself from the tree
and also pray to the gods
that random Athenian chicks continue to get hung from this tree all the time
until someone avenges Icarius’s death
and the gods are like sure ok

here’s the problem
no one other than the gods heard that shit
and the gods are really terrible at PR
so basically what happens
is chicks just keep showing up hanging from this pine tree
and no one has any clue why
it’s a spooky murder mystery
except the culprit is incompetence
but finally the Oracle at Delphi gets off her ass and is like hey
maybe someone should avenge Icarius?
what are you staring at guys
sometimes I can totally be straightforward and helpful sometimes
just not very often

so basically they track down the shepherds and hang them
and then people stop getting hanged for no reason
and in fact they all have this huge annual wine party from then on
where girls get shitfaced and swing from trees
happily reliving the memory of how a bunch of girls got murdered one time
and it’s great as long as you don’t think about it too much

so the moral of the story
is don’t give booze to shepherds
it’s like giving a mouse a cookie
except the mouse will fucking stab you

THE END