OH DAMN I FORGOT TO WRITE A MYTH YESTERDAY

ARE YOU OKAY GUYS
ARE YOU DOING ALRIGHT?
whatever
here’s a myth now instead

so there’s this dude wisakedjak
sometimes anglicized as whiskey jack
but that’s needlessly confusing
cause this dude has nothing to do
with whiskey
and in fact was around WAYYYYY before whiskey
he’s this trickster god
who happens to be tight with the creator
at least according to Algonquin mythology

so basically
the creator makes the world
and is likey hey wisakedjak
dude
i am so fucking tired
how about you handle everything else now
like teach everyone what roots are good to eat
and keep them from killing each other and shit
you know
everything i am actually personally responsible for doing

so wisakedjak is like sure ok
and proceeds to do the exact opposite
of everything the creator says
as in
he feeds everyone poison and goes around starting fights
and the creator wakes up from like a ten-year bender
and is like whooooooaaaaa dude
stop
stop doing that
what did i tell you to do
i’m pretty sure it wasn’t that
you best clean up your act
or i’m gonna kill everybody
and ruin everything
and then you’ll be bored

so wisakedjak calls bullshit
and just goes right on doing what he was doing
except like NINE TIMES HARDERRRR
he is running up to dudes like
HEY
HEYYYYYYY
SEE THAT GUY OVER THERE
HE KILLED YOUR PARENTS
HE KILLED YOUR DOG
HE KILLED YOUR HOUSE
MURDER HIM
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and he just keeps doing this
until the earth is literally saturated with blood
there is nowhere for all this blood to go
it’s pretty upsetting
so at this point the creator shows up again like whoa
WHOAAAAAAA
THAT’S IT
EVERYBODY DIES

so then everything floods
and the only things left alive
are wisakedjak
even though he is almost the entire problem
plus an otter
a beaver
and a muskrat
no fish apparently
because i guess this water is poison maybe?

so wisakedjak sits in the water with his animal pals
crying and feeling sorry for himself
when all of a sudden he has an idea
he’s like DUDES
I CAN’T CREATE ANYTHING
BUT I CAN INFINITELY EXPAND
ANYTHING THAT HAS ALREADY BEEN CREATED
GUYS I NEED SOMEONE TO GO DIVE DOWN
AND GET ME SOME OF THE OLD EARTH
SO I CAN MAKE AN ISLAND
HEY CREATOR IS IT OK IF I DO THIS?

and the creator is like sure you can make a new world
as long as you use all the material i wasted on the old world
I don’t wanna have to buy a bunch of new dirt and shit
so wisakedjak is like OTTER
YOU’RE SO BRAVE
GO DO IT
AND I’LL MAKE SURE YOU ALWAYS HAVE FISH TO EAT

so otter dives down
and comes back up
with NO DIRT AT ALL
and then he tries again
with the same result
and he tries a third time
and fucks up AGAIN
and is too weak to dive anymore
and wisakedjak is like wow dude
wow
i am pretty fucking disappointed
ok beaver
your turn
if you bring me some dirt
i will build you a house
so beaver dives
and fails
dives
and fails
and is pretty fucking tired at this point
but wisakedjak is like come on pussy
if you get me some dirt
i will also give you a wife
so beaver tries one more time
and almost drowns
and finds no dirt whatsoever

so finally wisakedjak turns to the muskrat
and he’s like alright man
i have no faith in you whatsoever
but hell
give it a shot
and if you make it i’ll give you infite roots to eat
plus rushes to make a house out of
plus a wife
and you’ll have like
a billion babies
come on man i’m counting on you

so muskrat dives
and he comes up
and he has
NO DIRT
so he tries again
and he’s gone for a while
and he comes up real tired
and he still has no dirt
but here’s the important thing:
he SMELLS like dirt
so wisakedjak is like dude you are so close
try one more time
so the muskrat dives down
and he’s gone for a LOOOOOONG time
and everyone is like shit
is he alive
and then they see some bubbles
so they reach in and pull out the muskrat
who is pretty much dead
but he has just a little bit of dirt with him
which wisakedjak turns into an island
and they finally get to stop sitting in the water

and then in the following days wisakedjak finds some bones
and makes animals
and he makes trees out of some wood
and then the creator is like dude you know what
you don’t get powers anymore
you just get the power to lie like a motherfucker
so wisakedjak just uses that power as hard as he can
for ever and ever
starting by failing to ever reward the muskrat

proving once and for all
that animals
are stupid and easy to manipulate

The End