So in honor of thanksgiving just having happened
I thought I’d do a little story
from the arabian nights
because fuck you guys I can do what I want

So there’s this dude
Kamar Al Zaman
and Kamar al Zaman is more than just a dude with an awesome name
he’s a dude with an awesome name who is a PRINCE
and Prince Kamar Al Zaman has been doing some reading
and all of his reading has convinced him
that getting married is a sucker’s game
(mainly because Arabian writers of the time had some opinions about women)
but his dad is not on board with this never-getting-married scheme
because of the very real problems inherent in a patrilineal monarchy
so when his son is like NEVER GETTIN MARRIED
the sultan goes to his advisor and is like AHHH WHAT DO I DO
and the advisor is like chill out dude
just ask him again

so the sultan goes and asks his son to get married again
and his son is like DUDE
HAVE YOU EVEN READ THESE BOOKS I AM READING?
WOMEN ARE OBJECTIVELY HORRIBLE
WHY WOULD I WANT TO SIGN A CONTRACT THAT MAKES ME PERMANENTLY HAVE TO BE CLOSE TO ONE
and the king is like son
there is a reason those books are not picture books, is all i’m gonna say
and his son is like WHATEVER DAD YOU DON’T CONTROL ME

so the sultan goes back to his vizier and is like okay dude
what’s the plan
and the vizier is like take it easy dude
all you gotta do is ask him AGAIN
but this time
do it in front of a WHOLE BUNCH OF PEOPLE
then he will be too embarrassed to say no

so that’s what the king does
he invites all his friends over and then he tells his son to come in
and he’s like hey son, any idea when you’re gonna start getting married?
and his son is like GOD, DAD
I ALREADY TOLD YOU:
WOMEN ARE HORRIBLE SOUL-VAMPIRES
PLUS
YOU ALREADY ASKED ME THIS SAME FUCKING QUESTION TWICE
AND I TOLD YOU MY ANSWER TWICE
WHAT ARE YOU, SIMPLE?

so obviously the sultan’s plan to embarrass his son has totally backfired
and he does the only thing he can do in the situation
which is to put his son under house arrest in a tower as punishment
because if your problem is that your son isn’t marrying anybody
the only logical solution is to wall him away in a tower far from ALL WOMEN
unless …
unless the plan is to make him so lonely and horny that he will welcome soul vampirism as an antidote
in which case
nice one, king

whatever the king’s plan is, we don’t get a chance to come out
because this is about when genies start showing up
the prince has cried himself to sleep
and he’s lying in bed
when this genie comes in
just cause genies like breaking into houses and shit
and she’s like WHOAH
HOLY SHIT
THIS HAS GOT TO BE
THE HOTTEST SLAB OF MAN-BACON I HAVE EVER LAID MY MAGICAL EYES ON
IF I HAD A DONG IT WOULD HAVE JUST TAKEN OUT THAT STONE WALL THERE WITH A PROJECTILE ERECTION
I GOTTA GO TELL THE OTHER GENIES

so she’s flying along
while visions of hot dudes dance in her head
when she runs face-first into another genie coming from China
and she’s like HEY GENIE FRED
GENIE FRED
I JUST SAW THE SEXIEST HUMAN IN THE WORLD
and Genie Fred
(not actually his name)
is like no
you did not
because the hottest human in the world is over in china
and you seem to be coming from exactly the wrong direction

so naturally the two genies get into a huge fight over this
and finally the first genie takes the second genie down to the prince’s room
and she’s like eh? eh?
and fred is like yawn
I mean
he’s pretty hot and everything
but I’m not really into dudes
this chick I just saw in china
(who, conveniently, has been locked up by her parents after refusing to marry)
was so bo-damn-dacious
she might just turn you gay
and the female genie is like well I have always wanted to be gay
let’s roll

so they go check out the Chinese princess
whose name is Budur
and opinions are similarly split
so they decide that the only way to settle this
is with a side-by-side comparison

normally this would be a problem
but in this case genies are involved
so they grab the prince
and they bring him to china
and they put him in the princess’s bed with her
and they look at them side by side
but they STILL can’t agree on who’s hotter
but they have an idea:
they’re gonna wake up one of these two hotties at a time
and whoever is more excited about the other’s bod
that’s the one who loses

so they wake up the prince first
and he is naturally very excited to be in bed with a total babe
so he’s all caressing her
and murmuring all manner of sweet nothings into her ear canals
but he keeps himself kind of under control
because he’s a nice dude at heart
and he doesn’t feel right about getting all rapey on the prettiest girl in the universe

but then the genies knock him out
and wake up the princess
and the first genie
well, she’s really hypercompetitive
so what she does is she turns into a flea and bites Budur right on her inner thigh
which Budur apparently mistakes for sexual arousal
and so has none of the rape-related qualms harbored by her male counterpart
she’s all grinding on him
and making out with his asleep face
and putting her signet ring on his finger
IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN
until finally the genies are like okay enough go back to sleep

the winner is pretty clear at this point
so having settled that matter
they pick up the prince and take him back to his castle
and the two lovers wake up in the morning like AAAAA WHERE IS MY HOTNESS

I mean, don’t worry
eventually they figure out who each other are
even though they don’t have the internet or anything
and it’s great and heartwarming
but it’s also fucking boring
so let’s just leave it there

because see what’s really important to remember here
is that women find insect bites to be highly arousing
so fellas
maybe don’t wash those filthy bedsheets after all
TRUST ME