Alright so a bunch of people wanted me to do this one
but it was unstoppable love torpedo Sylvester “Suspense Wizard” Studsington
who pushed me over the edge
by appealing to my GREED
so here goes nothing
fuck that who am i kidding
here goes EVERYTHING

Oh my fucking god have you heard about this Gilgamesh guy

seriously you get like two paragraphs into this shit
and parts of your brain are already hemorrhaging testosterone and steroids
because of the sheer manliness that is boiling off the page
and BRUTALIZING YOUR FACE AND NECK LIKE A BOBSLED FULL OF PUNCHES
and by the time you get to the end of the first fucking tablet
your entire mind is a hulking mass of furious distended tissue that FEARS NO MAN
seriously they actually describe Gilgamesh
as a dude who is “perfect in awesomeness”
THOSE ARE ACTUAL WORDS THEY USE TO DESCRIBE HIM
and also in order to even FIND the story of this dude
it says you’ve gotta basically bust balls-first into a temple
pull out PART OF THE FUCKING WALL
and then grab the twelve stone tablets
on which some righteous motherfucker has CHISELED THIS WHOLE MURDERFEST
then you just gotta hope that the badassery within does not LASER YOUR FACE OFF
oh also his dad is some dude and his mom is a goddess who bangs him SO HARD
that Gilgamesh is TWO THIRDS GOD AND ONE THIRD HUMAN
THAT’S RIGHT
they do the wango bango with SUCH FURIOUS DEDICATION
THAT THEY DESTROY MATH

but here is the problem guys
gilgamesh is such an unbelievable badass
he cannot comprehend how people can be ANY LESS BADASS THAN HE IS
so he makes all the dudes in the city he is king of
constantly do feats of strength and shit
and they all get really tired and cranky
and also there is a law that Gilgamesh gets to fuck everyone’s wives
THE BEST KING

so this goddess named Eiru
or Aruru depending on where you read this shit
but i’m gonna use Eiru because Aruru sounds JUST A LITTLE TOO DUMB
anyway Eiru hears everyone complaining
they are like hey Eiru
hey
can you make a dude who is a bad enough dude to cockwrestle Gilgamesh
because we are worried that if you do not
Gilgamesh will fuck us to death
and Eiru is like WELL I WAS WONDERING WHAT TO DO WITH THIS ROCK I HAVE
BOOM
NOW IT IS A PERSON
ENJOY

so this dude that Eiru creates is called Enkidu
and he has so much hair
THAT HIS INDIVIDUAL HAIRS MUST EACH BOOK SEPARATE APPOINTMENTS WITH HAIRDRESSERS
or they would
if he EVER FUCKING SHAVED
but as it stands he is basically just cousin it
if cousin it had the ability to TEAR YOU IN HALF AND THEN FEED YOU TO YOURSELF
that would have made that show WAYYYY more interesting
but anyway yeah Enkidu basically just runs screaming through the forest
chilling with animals
assraping bears
until one day some pussyass hunter sees him
drinking water with all his sweet animal pals
and the hunter is like OHHH FUCCKKKK
JUST SHAT MYSELF
IT IS UNLADYLIKE TO HUNT WITH SHIT IN ONE’S PANTS
I MUST POSTPONE TIL TOMORROW
and this happens for THREE FUCKING DAYS
until finally the hunter gets so freaked out
he goes running to his dad or something
like DADDY THERE IS A HAIRY MAN AND I AM AFRAID
HOLY SHIT WHY IS THIS GUY A HUNTER
ALL HE SEEMS TO BE HUNTING UP
IS NEW WAYS TO TOTALLY EMBARASS HIMSELF
but the dude he is whining to is like holy shit chill out asshole
just go hit up Gilgamesh for one of his whores
and then get Enkidu to fuck that whore
and he will lose all his animal magnetism
it is proven science fact that this is how things work

so that is exactly what the hunter does
and Gilgamesh hooks him up with the an exceedingly legitimate ho
seriously this bitch is comely as FUCK
and he brings her back to the ol’ watering hole
and she sees Enkidu
and Enkidu sees her
and Enkidu is like TITS OR GTFO
and the chick
(whose name is Shamhat by the way)
is like I CHOOSE THE TITS OPTION
and then they bang for SEVEN DAYS STRAIGHT
and at the end all Enkidu’s animal pals get scared and run away
probably because they have never seen a dude slam the sausagesocket
for SEVEN SOLID DAYS
at which point Shamhat makes Enkidu a sandwich
and then is like hey come meet my husband/owner
they live in a time before women’s lib
it is important for you to remember this

so they go back to Gilgamesh
and on the way Enkidu helps out some shepherds
by murdering some lions
but then he actually gets to Gilgamesh’s kingdom
where Gilgamesh is right in the middle of trying to bang some dude’s wife
and Enkidu shows up like dude what the fuck are you doing
HOW ABOUT WE KUNG FU FIGHT
OR AT LEAST SOME KIND OF FIGHT
THE KUNG FU IS NEGOTIABLE
BUT THE FIGHTING PART IS SORT OF A STICKING POINT FOR ME
and Gilgamesh is like YESSSSSSSSSSS
and they proceed to fistfuck each others’ faces for HOURS
at which point they are both just like ow
fuck
wanna be bffs?
AND THUS IS BORN THE GREATEST FRIENDSHIP OF ALL TIME
I AM NOT A SCIENTIST BUT THIS MAY BE WHY WOMEN LIVE LONGER THAN MEN

so their first act as ULTIMATE BESTIES
is to walk like all the way across the known world
to fuck up the mystical guardian of some ancient tree
the guardian is not a bad dude or anything
he’s really basically just the ancient magical equivalent
of those fucking hippies that chain themselves to live oaks and whatnot
except he has INTESTINES all over his face
and his breath is a combination of DEATH and FIRE
SERIOUSLY THAT’S WHAT IT SAYS

anyway Gilgamesh and Enkidu skip off towards this sacred cedar tree
literally HOLDING HANDS
GUYS
I don’t think i’ve ever read a myth before
where two radical dudes were SUCH BOSOM BUDDIES
IT WOULD BE SICKENING IF IT WERE NOT SO TOTALLY GNARLY
and they walk for LEAGUES AND LEAGUES AND LEAGUES
and Gilgamesh keeps getting shitfaced every night
and then waking up in the middle of the night like ENKIDU I HAD A BAD DREAM
IT WAS ABOUT VOLCANOS OR FIREBREATHING BIRDS OR LIGHTNING OR SOMETHING
and Enkidu is like naw dude that is actually a good dream
those are totally sweet and appropriate things to dream about
it means we are going to kill humbaba
one might even call it
THE BEST DREAM?!
THIS HAPPENS FOR FIVE NIGHTS
BUT THEN THEY FINALLY FIND HUMBABA’S FOREST
oh yeah i think Humbaba has some kind of aura of death and paralysis of some shit?
but whatever i think they just flex their muscles and give each other a pep talk
and any danger is TOTALLY NEUTRALIZED
so then Humbaba pops out like sup
and then this god Shamash
(he is the sun god apparently)
who has basically been hooking up Gilgamesh this whole time
is like not much dude
just thought i’d drop by and attack you with ALL THE WINDS
seriously dude
there are thirteen fucking winds
I had no idea there were that many
there’s the ones you would expect
like north wind south wind east wind west wind
and then there’s like
blizzard
and storm
and sandstorm
which are apparently all seperate winds
and then shit really flies off the handle
and we get into like
whistling wind
ice wind
demon wind
and just straight up bad wind
what the fuck is bad wind?
how can wind be objectively bad
is it a wind that just goes out of its way to ruin ice cream cones
and like
remove wigs at inappropriate times?
because if so
i hereby petition to change its name to HILARIOUS wind
anyway yeah all those winds show up
and gather around Humbaba in an aetherial bukakke throwdown
and Humbaba CANNOT MOVE AT ALL
so Gilgamesh gets his sword out
and he is all ready to chop off Humbaba’s head
when humbaba is like WHOA DUDE CHILL OUT
I WILL TOTALLY GIVE YOU ALL THE WOOD YOU CAN HANDLE
WE ARE IN A FOREST
THERE IS WOOD FUCKING COMING OUT OF OTHER WOOD
YOU DO NOT NEED TO MURDER ME FOR THIS SPECIFIC TREE
and Enkidu is like FUCK THAT DON’T LISTEN TO HIM
MURDER MURDER MURDER
and Humbaba is like DUDE ENKIDU COME ON MAN
WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU GUYS
and Enkidu is like LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER ALL THIS HILARIOUS WIND
HEY GILGAMESH HURRY UP KILL THIS DUDE I GOTTA TAKE A PISS
IN HIS MOUTH

so finally Gilgamesh just murders Humbaba
and then jacks his head
and is like YES EXCELLENT
NOW I CAN USE THIS TREE TO MAKE A DOOR
I DON’T NECESSARILY HAVE ANYPLACE TO PUT THE DOOR
BUT YOU KNOW
NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’RE GONNA NEED A REALLY HUGE DOOR
so they chop down the tree
and they make a raft
and AWAYYYY THEY GO

so they get back home
and they are enjoying this sweet door
and also each other’s company
because they are SUCH GOOD BUDDIES
when Ishtar has to just come along and fuck it all up
(Ishtar is the goddess of basically everything worth doing
sex war and babies
i don’t mean that you should do babies though
that is gross/illegal)
she is like HEY GILGAMESH
I HAVE THIS GAPING HOLE IN MY BODY
I’M PRETTY WORRIED THAT IT MIGHT JUST START SHOOTING OUT MY ORGANS OR SOMETHING
PRETTY DANGEROUS
I HEARD YOU HAD SOMETHING ABOUT THE RIGHT SIZE TO PLUG THIS HOLE
I BELIEVE IT IS YOUR PENIS?
and Gilgamesh is like WHOA BITCH SLOW YOUR ROLL
YOUR TITS ARE EXCEEDINGLY FINE
BUT I AM AWARE OF A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED HISTORY
AND HISTORY TELLS US THAT EVERY DUDE YOU HAVE EVER BANGED
HAS ENDED UP EITHER ON FIRE OR TURNED INTO SOME KIND OF DWARF
[obligatory joke about fucking gold]
SO UH
I’M SURE THERE ARE RODS APLENTY IN THIS KINGDOM OF MINE
GO NUTS
JUST STEER CLEAR OF MINE
MY NUTS I MEAN

and ishtar gets SOOOO ANGRY
she goes back up to godtowne
and she is like HEY GUYS
GILGAMESH REFUSED TO STUFF MY MUFF
GIVE ME THE BULL OF HEAVEN I AM GOING TO RUIN EVERYTHING
yeah apparently they just keep this fucking bull around
in case they need to ruin everything
and the other gods are like NAW BITCH
and Ishtar is like IF YOU DON’T LET ME I WILL THROW A FIT
IT MAY INVOLVE ZOMBIES
and the gods are like fuck fine
but for some reason this is going to ruin the harvest in Gilgamesh’s kingdom
for SEVEN YEARS
and Ishtar is like whatever
and she drags the bull down to earth

so the first thing the bull does
is kill like several thousand people
then eventually Gilgamesh sees it
and he and Enkidu are like BEST BUDS TAG TEAM MURDERCYCLE YEAH!
(somebody draw that please
i don’t know what it looks like but i’m sure it’s awesome
maybe there is a rainbow and maybe the rainbow is MADE OF BLOOD)
anyway they handle the bull to pieces in a matter of seconds
and then steal its horns
which are made of lapis lazuli
which pretty much EVERYTHING in this poem is made of by the way
and then they high five so hard that another thousand or so people die
but that is okay because FRIENDSHIP

BUT ALL IS NOT WELL MY FRIENDS
usually it is Gilgamesh who has all the dreams
but tonight it is ENKIDU’S TURN TO HAVE THE DREAMS
he dreams that the gods are all sitting around talking
and they are like fuck man
Enkidu and Gilgamesh are a two-man meat grinder for all our best abominations
this should maybe stop?
also maybe Shamash needs to stop helping them?
and Shamash is like shit sorry guys
how about I make it up to you by killing one of them
and the gods are like ok but which one do we kill
we can’t kill Gilgamesh his name is in the title
oh shit wait HOW ABOUT ENKIDU
yeah that works

so then Enkidu wakes up like THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY TO INTERPRET THIS FAVORABLY
WAAAAAH I’M GONNA DIE
FUCK EVERYONE
and then he gets real sick and he dies
he doesn’t even get to go down in a super metal way or anything
and then Gilgamesh gets SUPER SAD

now guys
we all know about the nine stages of grief or whatever
but those are for CHUMPS
Gilgamesh’s grieving process has different steps:
1 – cry about it
2 – make everyone else cry about it
3 – seek immortality
TRY THIS THE NEXT TIME YOUR CAT DIES

so gilgamesh goes running around all the fuck everywhere
and he does this shit for so long he explodes his clothes
and has to beat animals to death and rip off their skin so he’s not naked
or really just because he feels like it
and he talks shit to some scorpion dudes
who let him walk through a mountain
and the sun is like chasing him kind of
and he walks for twelve “double hours”
so twenty four hours i guess
and then he sees a garden made out of jewels and shit
wait did he just wander into that cave from aladdin?
oops no no he didn’t
because then he emerges out the other side
and he finds THE WATERS OF DEATH
YESSSS
wait hold on
if I was seeking immortality
the waters of death would NOT BE THE FIRST PLACE I LOOKED
but anway there is an inn there
but the inkeeper chick is freaked the fuck out
because Gilgamesh LOOKS LIKE A GODDAMN PSYCHOPATH
but eventually he threatens her enough that she tells him how to get across the water
and then he threatens the fuck out of the guy who can get him across the water
but in the process he breaks all the stone giants that can actually cross the water
cause it is the waters of DEATH remember
this is not the kind of water you fuck around with
so then Gilgamesh has to go make more boat supplies
but then finally THEY ACTUALLY START SAILING

so they get to the other side
which is where Gilgamesh was trying to get apparently
i have no idea how he figured out where this place was
but there’s this dude there called Utnapishtim
and he’s like whoa who the fuck are you
and Gilgamesh is like I’M GILGAMESH MOTHERFUCKER
MY BEST PAL DIED SO NOW I WANNA BE IMMORTAL
HOOK A BROTHER UP?
and Utnapishtim is like seriously?
you’re fucking shitting me right?
that has got to be the most weaksauce reason anyone has given me to do anything EVER
but anyway let me tell you my life story

SUMMARY:
UTNAPISHTIM IS NOAH
EXCEPT HE SAVES A LOT MORE HUMANS
AND EVERYONE DRINKS A LOT MORE BOOZE
AND THEN HE GETS TO BE IMMORTAL AFTERWARDS THE END

so after he finishes his story
Utnapishtim is just like so you see my friend
i got to be immortal
but it was a fuckton of work
and frankly i don’t think the gods are down to do that shit again
you may want to just step the fuck off and die like a man
in fact i think that is exactly what you should do

but joke’s on Utnapishtim because GILGAMESH GOT SO BORED HE FELL ASLEEP
but actually joke’s on Gilgamesh
because Utnapishtim just uses this as more proof Gilgamesh shouldn’t be immortal
and rubs his face in it by baking a ton of bread and putting it next to his face
so that when he wakes up SEVEN DAYS LATER
he sees all this moldy bread and he is like ew gross
guess i’ve been asleep for a while huh
and Utnapishtim is like PRAAAAANKED

so then Gilgamesh is like man ok
i guess i’m just gonna mope on home now
and Utnapishtim feels kind of bad about it and is like wait dude
there is a plant at the bottom of the ocean
if you eat it it will make you young again
you should get that shit
and Gilgamesh is like YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE
and then he ties some fucking rocks to his feet
and sinks himself to the bottom of the ocean
(again
i do not see this as the behavior of a dude
who is trying to not die)
and he gets this plant
and he’s like SWEET BEANS
TOTALLY GONNA TEST IT ON SOME OLD DUDES WHEN I GET HOME
but then he stops to take a bath
and a snake steals it
and then eventually he gets old and dies
miserable and alone
or maybe content and surrounded by whores
the epic is not clear on this part

so basically
Enkidu wouldn’t have died
if that chick hadn’t boned him and then made him take a shower
and Gilgamesh would’ve had eternal youth
if he hadn’t stopped for a fucking bath
so the moral of the story
is hygiene is for mortals

THE END.