Ok so someone
and I honestly don’t know who it is
mailed me a brand new copy of Bulfinch’s Greek and Roman Mythology
who are you?
how did you get my address?
how did you get so awesome?
so yeah I’m gonna be telling a myth from that
in hopes of persuading this mystery benefactor not to stalk me to my house

So King Minos right?

you remember him no doubt
he’s the kind of dude who when his wife fucks a cow
responds by exiling the cow
imprisoning the baby in a labyrinth
then extorting the countryside into feeding his son LIVE HUMAN BEINGS for DECADES
so Minos is what we in the business call a serious motherfucker
although perhaps that title is better reserved for oedipus
whatever

so one day Minos runs out of dudes to wantonly destroy
so he’s like I know
how about I go wage war on this dude Nisus
he’s a king he probably has SOMETHING i can steal
so he rolls on over to Nisus’s crib
and he’s like yo man bout to take your kingdom
and Nisus is like HAHA JOKE’S ON YOU ASSHOLE
MY KINGDOM CAN NEVER FALL AS LONG AS I HAVE THIS SWEET PURPLE WEAVE IN MY HAIR
and Minos is like SERIOUSLY?
fuck
I was expecting a lot of things
but a magic purple hair extension was not one of them

so Minos proceeds to camp out in front of Nisus’s castle
and kill a bunch of dudes in the process
but see what he doesn’t know is that every day he is getting spied on
by this chick Scylla
who is Nisus’s daughter
she is chilling out in a tower overlooking Minos and his dudes
like DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN
I WANNA HIT THAT LIKE A METEOR MADE OF TITS
but HOW?!
he’s sort of besieging my city right now
man you know what?
fuck it
fuck my city
I need to get LAID

so what she does
is she sneaks into her dad’s room at night
and she cuts out his magic cranial accessory
and she runs out to Minos’s army like YO MINOS I HEARD YOU LIKED KINGDOMS
SO I SHAMELESSLY BETRAYED MY FATHER
WANNA BONE?
and Minos is like EWWWW
WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?
I DON’T WANNA GET WITH NO FATHER-BETRAYER
BOUT TO STAB YOU NOW BITCH HOW ABOUT THAT
still totally gonna take the kingdom though
and Scylla is like FUCK YOU I AIN’T GONNA GET STABBED
so she jumps into the water
and starts trying to hitch a ride home on one of Minos’s boats
but then her dad shows up
except it’s not her dad it’s an EAGLE that USED TO BE HER DAD
I guess his hairstyle was the only thing keeping him from being a bird?
anyway he swoops down and mauls the shit out of her
and then SHE turns into a bird
so I guess
zombie birds?

but so anyway the moral of the story
is before you betray your kingdom to get with someone
make sure you are at least marginally bonable in your own right
because even a free kingdom may not be enough
to make them overlook your butterface

THE END.