What up dweebs
I hope your yesterday was good
and contained exactly the right amount of genital contact
based on your personal preferences
and also I hope you touched a butt
BUT ENOUGH SMALL TALK
it has come to my attention
that many of you don’t even know what yesterday was ABOUT
and NOT just because you all have drinking problems
so let me tell you what Valentine’s day is all about my friends
it is all about murder

Right so we’re in Ancient Rome
I know it doesn’t look like it
I know it looks like your computer
but stop fucking questioning every step of this process
i am trying to tell you a story and you are being very rude
anyway there’s this emperor named Claudius
and he’s got an army
but the army is like 85% weenies by volume
and he is trying to get them hyped to go die for him
so he’s like “hmm
what do some of the angriest shittiest dudes I know have in common?
A complete disregard for others …
possible glandular problems …
Segways, but I can’t afford to buy enough of those
OH I KNOW
THEY’RE ALL SINGLE
Okay from now on soldiers aren’t allowed to get married.
WAR:
SOLVED.”

It seems like this rule would make dudes just quit the army
thus ending war forever
but it is doubtful that Claudius had a noble endgame here
also military service was pretty mandatory
so instead of a bunch of blissed-out ex-soldiers getting their dicks touched
you have a bunch of pissed off soldiers glumly touching their own dicks
AND THAT’S WHERE SAINT VALENTINE COMES IN

Okay yeah I know what that sounds like
and no, Saint Val didn’t touch anybody’s dick
they used to disqualify you from sainthood for shit like that
I don’t know why
I for one would love a couple openly gay saints up in the pantheon
No, Valentine sees all these soldiers and their blued-up balls
and he’s like “THIS IS TOTALLY UNCOOL
YOUNG MEN SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET MARRIED WHENEVER THEY WANT
ESPECIALLY RIGHT BEFORE THEY GO OFF TO WAR
TO GET KILLED AND LEAVE THEIR TEENAGED BRIDES IN A WORLD OF PAIN
SOMETHING MUST BE DONE”
and it turns out it’s really easy to marry people to each other
so Valentine just does that a lot
becoming the Ancient Roman equivalent
of a Las Vegas Elvis impersonator
for lots of horny teens.

Obviously Claudius finds out about this
because even though the marriages are secret
what the fuck is the point of a secret marriage
so Claudius arrests Saint Valentine and is like “dude
could you stop marrying my soldiers to people all over the place?
also while you’re at it could you stop being Christian?
thaaaaanks”
and Valentine is like “What no”
and Claudius is like “Oh shit okay I guess go die then”

So Valentine’s in jail now
and he’s bored so he starts talking to his jailer
and it turns out the jailer has a daughter who is blind
and Saint Valentine is like “Oh dude that sucks
I’m gonna die soon and I have all these godbuxx saved up
so how about I just use those to cure your daughter’s blindness?”
and the jailer is like “Whoa, thanks dude!
I do not deserve this literally at all!
Anyway it’s morning now and we have to behead you
thanks for everything!”

But the V-man does one last thing before he dies:
he sends that daughter a nice card with some flowers
and he signs it “From Your Valentine”
which is a weirdly romantic thing for a saint to do
but I guess he figured he was about to die
so he might as well put it out there.

Yeah then he died
and everybody more or less forgot about him
until his holy day turned out to be a convenient excuse
to fuck each other’s brains out once a year
or shoot a bunch of rival bootleggers
depending on your profession.

Anyway the moral of the story is pretty obvious:
get a job guarding political prisoners
apparently the fringe benefits are amazing.

The end.