Fuck you guys it’s greek myth time

So there’s this chick telethusa
which sounds like the name of some cthonian internet service provider
and she is married to some asshole who got her knocked up
and one day he calls her over like hey honey
umm
i hate to say this
but if you squirt a girlchild out of your womb I am going to have to kill it
goddd this is soooo awkward
and Telethusa is like NO SHIT DICKWEED
but actually she stops halfway through the sentence because of UNBEARABLE LABOR PAIN

cuz see here’s the problem
Telethusa is pretty sure she is gonna have a girl
so basically her husband just walked up to her like GONNA MURDER YOUR BABBY LOL
but it’s ok
because then she passes out
and pretty much the ENTIRE EGYPTIAN PANTHEON shows up
seriously
Osiris is there
and Anubis also
now i know what you’re thinking
WAAH I THOUGHT THIS WAS A GREEK MYTH
shut up asshole
look it’s fine
Io is also there
and Harpocrates
who is basically just the stolen Greek version of Horus
so that’s sort of a compromise
basically i have no idea what the fuck Ovid thinks he’s doing right now
but anyway io is like hey Telethusa
chill out
your babby’s gonna be fine
I guarantee it
and then immediately the baby is like FUCK THIS I’M OUT OF HERE
and Telethusa is like OW MY PELVIS
AND A BABBY IS BORN

so Telethusa’s husband comes in like hey is that a girl or a boy there
remember
if it is a girl i am going to kill it
so answer carefully
and Telethusa is like TOTALLY JUST GAVE BIRTH TO A MAN
and her husband is like SWEET
WON’T EVEN BOTHER TO CHECK
guys this is like when i came across the border from Oregon into California
and they were like hey do you have any foreign fruits or vegetables or anything
and i was like nope
and they were like EXCELLENT
WELCOME TO CALIFORNIA
and then me and my mobile marijuana farm/killer bee hatchery
rolled right across the border unmolested
THAT IS WHAT THIS IS LIKE
WHAT A SHITTY SYSTEM

anyway Telethusa has to commit to this lie pretty hard
so she raises her little girl
(who her husband names Iphis btw)
as THE ULTIMATE MAN
and by the ultimate man i mean a little girl dressed up as a little boy
anyway Iphis is pretty good looking or whatever
and so this chick Ianthe totally falls in love with her
thinking she is a dude
and the feelings are totally mutual
except Iphis is totally aware of her pesky vagina
actively cockblocking all possible marital funtimes
although i guess cockblocking is a wrong word
because there are no cocks involved
and in fact the acute cock deficit is the root of the problem
maybe cocklacking?
i think i want to stop using the word cockblock altogether
in favor of meatdefeat
but that’s another issue entirely

anyway Iphis spends a lot of time bitching about how unnatural her love is
like she actually has the proverbial balls to claim
that what she wants to do to Ianthe is worse than when that chick fucked that bull
and then gave birth to a MAN-EATING WERECOW
then she briefly entertains the idea
of contracting daedalus to make her a wax strapon
then she’s like no that’s stupid
how about I whine to the gods about it
OR HOW ABOUT YOU INVENT SCISSORING YOU DUMB BITCH
but anyway she’s like yeah hey egyptian gods and also Io
and also some other greek god who is actually a stolen egyptian god
remember how you told my mom you would totally hook me up
well now would be the time to do that
and BAM
INSTANT DONG
and then she (he?) goes and bangs the shit out of Ianthe
thus proving once and for all
that if god is actively hindering your same sex sexytimes
you are clearly praying to the wrong gods
because real pantheons bestow PENISES

THE END