So there’s this dude named Humpty Dumpty
NO HE IS NOT AN EGG
WHERE IN THE RHYME DOES IT SAY HE’S AN EGG, HUH?
NOWHERE
oh yes, some people say it’s a riddle
and the answer is “he’s an egg”
WELL RIDDLE ME THIS:
FUCK YOU

so this dude is sitting on a wall
he is wasted like a handjob on a paraplegic
probably because his name is slang for a really gross brandy cocktail
but whatever the reason
he falls off this wall
and he SHATTERS

Here’s what I think
I think a wizard did it
I think a wizard was sick of Humpty’s shit
his boisterous ways and his dumb name
and he hit him with a freeze ray
knocked him off the wall
and KA-SPLANK
turned Mister Dumpty into a mosaic-in-waiting
PUT THAT IN YOUR HISTORY BOOKS
NERDS
fuck, first put the original rhyme in history books
then replace it with mine
problem solved, let’s move on

so to make matters worse
all of the king’s horses have escaped
they are stampeding through the town
the king has had to assign ALL OF HIS MEN to apprehend the dumb beasts
so they all come gallumphing down the alley
grinding Humpty’s frozen giblets into even smaller giblettes
and then they’re all like whoa whoa
what the fuck
did someone let a wizard in here
god damn
it’s okay, though, it’s okay
we can fix this

no they cannot
primarily because horses and manservants are NOT DOCTORS
and even if they were
this dude shattered
and superglue won’t be invented for another ten years or whatever
I don’t even know why they’re trying
probably the men see that the horses have stopped for a minute
and they are just using this as a distraction to get the animals back under control

anyway that’s the end
a drunk man dies
a bunch of horses live
fair trade
but I think we all learned a valuable lesson
which is don’t fuck with wizards
they became wizards for a reason
and that reason was so you would not fuck with them

the end