Cry Me a River Why Don’t You?

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Today’s myth comes courtesy of avenging super-angel
Gabriel “Celestial Heat Laser” Langston Hughes
it is about how when people are sad they turn into jerks

So there’s this hot chick

oh my god she is so hot
her left breast alone is completely off the Scoville scale
and her right breast is like getting slimed with a dumptruck full of magma
and taken all together
her perfect perfect body has the capacity to melt your face off
like you’re a nazi in raiders of the lost ark
except instead of your face it’s your penis
and instead of melting it
well I mean I think you can extrapolate
and if you don’t have a dick, you’ve still got problems
cause this chick’s red-hot gorgeosity cuts through heterosexuality LIKE BUTTER

so yeah she’s not ugly
and so as a result of her marked lack of ugliness
she is attracting guys left and right
like moths to a really hot chick
but whenever a guy tries to get up ons
she’s like EW GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MOTH
I AM ONLY GOING TO MARRY THE HOTTEST DUDE AROUND

and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
here comes the hottest dude around
he is so hot
that the convection zone created above his head causes birds to burst into flame
melts clouds and heat-lances airplanes
he is the sole cause of global warming
this guy is a sexy, sexy disaster is what i’m saying
and not only that
he is a total badass
like he refuses to ride a horse that is not TOTALLY BATSHIT INSANE
and if his horse ever becomes, like, sane or reasonable
he just gives that horse away and goes and ropes him THE MOST RIDICULOUS HORSE
also he’s rich
he’s a rancher or something
and in the immortal words of Mister Gabriel Langston Hughes,
he is canvassing for vaginas.

So Maria sees this hunk of white hot man magma
– or mangma as we call it in the biz –
and he not only melts her icy heart
he fucking VAPORIZES IT
and she’s like DAMN I NEED A NEW HEART
BETTER FIND ME A HUSBAND THAT CAN AFFORD HEART REPLACEMENT SURGERY
AND IS ALSO REALLY GODDAMN SEXY
RANCHER AHOYYYYYYYYYY

so Maria proceeds to win the Rancher’s heart by being a huge bitch
basically by ignoring him all the time and refusing his gifts
which has the paradoxical effect of making him fall TRIPLEBONERS IN LOVE WITH HER
and pull out ALL THE STOPS trying to get up ons
and then they get married
kind of out of spite, it sounds like
and they have a couple kids
but as time goes on
Rancher McHotpants seriously starts to lose interest in his bonerdacious wife
he starts disappearing for like months at a time
and when he comes home he only really wants to talk to his kids
he doesn’t even look at his wife’s sizzling body perfection
and finally ONE DAY
while Maria is out walking the kids
the Rancher pulls up next to them in a big fancy convertible carriage
along with a BRAND NEW MEGAHOT BABE
and he’s like hey children what’s up
gonna go ahead and keep ignoring your mom while talking to you
oops time’s up, gotta go bang my new wife
ZOOM

so now Maria is standing there
with all her kids
and she’s like you know what guys
fuck this
fuck ALL of this
and she drags all her kids down to the river
and just starts chucking them in
one after the other
maybe she is just trying to quench their budding hotness
before it causes any more problems
but honestly I think it is more likely that she is just trying to drown them
but no sooner has she thrown all her kids into the river
than she comes to her senses and is like OH FUCK MY KIDS ARE IN THE RIVER
WHAT DO I DOOOOO
and she starts trying to chase them down and catch them
but how the fuck does she expect to do that?

so yeah her kids die
and then she dies
and everyone buries her and it’s sad
except then the same night they bury her
everybody starts hearing this really obnoxious crying
and they see this woman in a white funeral gown running up and down the river
bawling her eyes out
except those aren’t regular tears
those are GHOST TEARS

so yeah, now Maria
AKA La Llorona
AKA Miss Cryingpants
hangs out by the river in New Mexico
and when she sees kids she does her best to chokeslam them and then steal them
presumably to replace her missing children
but also because that is just the kind of shit ghosts do

so the moral of the story is:
dudes
when you have just done everything in your power to piss off your wife
try not to leave her unsupervised with the children
while you go on a rowdy sexcapade with your new fling
and ladies
don’t cut off your children to spite your husband
he’s probably too busy with his rowdy sexcapade to even notice

THE END.

Geese Are Jerks

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this myth comes courtesy of deadly sniper/barrister
Nate “Bullseye” Lawthrower
it is about a dizzying series of mistakes

so there’s this little girl
she lives in russia
but for some reason her family is in NO WAY DESTITUTE
this feels like maybe the first russian story of any sort
where no one has to live on nothing but grim misery and stale crusts of wretchedness
but i guess stranger things have happened
FOR EXAMPLE:
one day this little girl’s parents go out for the day
they’re like goodbye daughter, we love you
make sure to keep an eye on your little brother so he doesn’t get stolen
and the little girl is like WHATEVER
and her parents are not gone THREE SECONDS
before she stows him on the front lawn and takes off running through the woods

so of course her little brother gets stolen
by GEESE
OBVIOUSLY
and the little girl comes back from her dumb idiot adventure and is like WHOA
WHERE DID MY LITTLE BRO GO
IT IS ALMOST AS IF MY GROSS NEGLIGENCE HAS CONSEQUENCES
oh wait nevermind I totally know who did this
it’s those damn thieving geese
they’ve been hanging around town lately
congregating in alleyways
leering at women
snapping their fingers and starting dance battles
these are clearly unsavory geese and OH SHIT LOOK
THERE THEY GO FLYING INTO THE FOREST RIGHT THERE
so of course she takes off after them

but seeing as she is a dumb little girl who is trying to chase GEESE
she quickly loses them in the forest
but all is not lost
because what does the little girl find
but a STOVE
a TALKING STOVE
and the girl is like oh hey stove do you know where my bro is at?
and the stove is like I WILL TELL YOU
BUT YOU HAVE TO EAT MY DELICIOUS BREAD FIRST
and the girl is like ew no
I have a gluten allergy
and the stove is like fine, suit yourself

so the girl keeps walking
and pretty soon she sees an apple tree
and since everything everywhere can talk ALL THE TIME
she’s just like hey apple tree
where the geese at?
and the apple tree is like FIRST YOU GOTTA EAT MY APPLES
and the girl is like ew no
those apples do not look farm fresh organic to me
and the tree is like what are you talking about
I am a tree in the middle of the fucking woods
and the girl is like DON’T ARGUE WITH ME YOU TREE
TREES DON’T GET TO HAVE OPINIONS
and she keeps walking

so pretty soon she comes across a river of milk
obviously
and the river of milk has banks made of pudding
seems to me like this would be a perfect time to abandon the quest for the brother
and just live in eternal bliss next to a river made of pudding
but instead the girl is like hey river
where the geese at?
and the river is like I WILL ONLY TELL YOU IF YOU EAT MY PUDDING
and the girl is like geeze
what is with all these inanimate objects begging me to eat them
is there a fetish in these woods or something?
seriously
and she keeps walking

and what does she find?
she finds a hedgehog
and she’s like hey hedgehog
where the geese at
please don’t ask me to eat you
and the hedgehog is like what?
dude the geese are like right over there
I’ll totally show you
what, did all the creepy inanimate objects try to impose their eating fetish on you?
happens all the time

so they go find where the geese went
and it turns out they went to BABA YAGA’S HOUSE
you know, the one with the chicken legs and a big ‘ol twank living inside
so the girl just rolls straight up to the house
snatches her brother
who is actually having a super good time playing with golden apples
and starts running
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED?

NO
because now the geese are chasing them
and the geese have already demonstrated
that they can fly faster than these dumb kids can run
so the girl and her bro are in kind of a tight spot
but luckily now is when they run headfirst into the milk river
and the girl is like QUICK, MILK RIVER
HIDE US
and the river is like ARE YOU GONNA EAT DADDY’S PUDDING?
and the girl is like SURE WHATEVER
and she eats some pudding
and the river hides them
and then they gets out and starts running again
and the geese are catching up
and they run into that apple tree
like QUICK, APPLE TREE
SAVE US FROM THESE JERKS
and the apple tree is like boy I would love to
but I have all these apples that are remaining woefully uneaten
and the girl is like FINE I WILL HUMOR YOUR APPLEJACK BULLSHIT
and she eats an apple and then the tree grows a million new branches
and protects them from the geese
but see then they need to bust out again
and keep running home
and now the geese are seriously right the fuck up on their heels
and it is at this moment
that they run smack dab into that magic talking stove
like HEY CHILDREN JUMP INSIDE ME
ALL I ASK IS THAT YOU EAT THIS BREAD I MADE
and the girl is like GLUTEN ALLERGY BE DAMNED
ALSO DANGEROUS HEAT-CONDUCTING DEATH CHAMBER BE DAMNED
and she eats the bread and jumps into the stove with her bro
and the stove slams shut
conspicuously fails to roast them alive
even though everyone agrees that would be TOTALLY HILARIOUS
and also 100% justified
and then eventually the geese get bored and go home
and meanwhile the girl and her bro rush back to their house
just in time for their parents to get home
and never have to find out how worthless and incompetent their daughter is

so the moral of the story
is never turn down free food
it saves time, and protects you from angry geese

THE END.

Life Sucks When You Don’t Have Hands

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This fairytale I am about to tell you
comes courtesy of some chick named Scarlett Messenger
seriously that’s her name
I couldn’t make up a name that sweet if I tried
it’s like she’s probably running around right now
delivering scarlet messages to absolutely everybody all the time
but anyway yeah here’s a weird story:

so there’s this miller

he’s mega poor
all he’s got is his mill
and an apple tree directly behind the mill
so one day he’s out in the forest chopping some wood
and this old man comes up to him like HEY
WHY YOU WASTIN’ TIME CHOPPING WOOD
I CAN MAKE YOU RICH BEYOND YOUR WILDEST DREAMS
ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS GIVE ME WHATEVER IS BEHIND YOUR MILL
and the miller is like seriously?
SWEET
all I got back there is some damn apple tree
it’s not suspicious at all that you made the request so general
and did not ask specifically for my apple tree
LET’S SHAKE ON IT
MAYBE SIGN A CONTRACT IN BLOOD
I DUNNO
and the old man is like HAHAHA SWEET
I WILL BE BACK IN 3 YEARS TO COLLECT MY PAYMENT
maybe you guys didn’t guess
but this old man is actually SATAN
OH SHIT

so the miller goes home
and his wife is like hey honey
what’s with all these vast riches that suddenly appeared in our house for no reason
and the miller is like oh funny story actually
I met satan and I promised him whatever was behind out mill
in exchange for vast riches suddenly appearing in my house
sweet deal right?
and his wife is like YOU IDIOT
OUR DAUGHTER WAS PLAYING IN THE YARD WHEN YOU MADE THAT DEAL
WHAT THE HELL

so the daughter finds out about this obviously
and spends the next few years being pious as fuck
and then when satan comes back
she draws a chalk circle around herself
and washes up real good
and satan gets there and he’s like OH DAMN
I CAN’T TAKE THIS GIRL AWAY
SHE IS TOO CLEAN
YOU THERE, MILLER
RESTRICT HER ACCESS TO BATHING WATER AND I WILL RETURN TOMORROW
OTHERWISE I WILL TAKE YOU INSTEAD
and then he leaves
and instead of doing the sensible thing and just taking a shower himself
the miller restricts his daughter’s access to baths for 24 hours
and then satan comes back
but see the problem is that the girl has cried into her hands SO HARD
that they are 100% DISINFECTED
and he’s like dammit man
now you gotta cut off your hands
and the miller is like uh sorry daughter
looks like I gotta cut off your hands
this totally hurts me more than it hurts you
and then he cuts off her hands
and satan leaves
and when he comes back the next day
the girl has cried onto her stumps SO HARD
that her FUCKING STUMPS ARE CLEAN
and at this point Satan is like you know what
fuck this
i’m leaving
and the miller is like sah-weet!
hey daughter
now we can live in luxury forever, right?
right?
and the daughter is like dude
you cut off my fucking hands
I’m out of here

so she starts walking
and pretty soon she sees this big garden surrounded by a moat
and she’s so hungry
but she can’t cross the moat
so then suddenly an angel comes down and dries up the moat with fire breath
and then leads her into the garden and helps her grab pears with her mouth
and the gardener sees this and he’s like what the fuuuuuck
and he tells the king
and the king is like uhh bullshit my friend
and the gardener is like if you don’t believe me then stay and watch tonight
so the king does
and he sees this chick
and he’s like hey girl what’s with the no hands?
and the girl is like well basically
my life sucks real bad and my dad is an asshole
and the king is like oh man
I suddenly want to marry you
I don’t even know why

so they get married
and the king makes some hands for her out of silver
which is pretty useless but it’s a nice gesture
and then he goes off to war
and he tells his mom to take good care of the girl if she ends up being pregnant
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
pretty soon she ends up being pregnant
but see Satan is not done fucking with this girl
because when the grandmother sends a message to the king
Satan makes the messenger fall asleep
and then replaces the message that says “Congratulations! It’s a boy!”
with one that says “Congratulations! It’s a HORRIBLE CHANGELING YOU SHOULD KILL IT”
but the king just reads the message and is like well
that’s weird
but i’m not gonna get all butthurt about it
and he sends back a message to that effect
but satan swaps it out AGAIN
so that instead of saying “Tell my son I say hi”
it says “KILL my son and cut out his EYES”
and the grandmother is pretty pissed about that
so instead of killing the kid
she kills a baby deer
and cuts out ITS eyes
and then is like hey queen girl
you should get the fuck out of here
NOW

so the queen gets the fuck out of there
and she goes into the woods
and she finds a place that says “ALL TRAVELERS WELCOME”
and she’s like sweet
perfect
just what I need
so she walks up to the door and a PURE WHITE VIRGIN COMES OUT
I don’t know it is obvious that she is a virgin
maybe she has a big V written on her face in lipstick or something
but anyway it turns out she’s an angel
and she has been specifically sent to give this chick a secret hideout
so she proceeds to hide out there for SEVEN YEARS
until the king comes home from the war
and he’s like hey mom
where’s my wife and son
and the gramma is like uh
you told me to cut out the kid’s eyes and tongue?
and the king is like WHAT?
NO.
SATAAAAAAAAAAAN!
and then he gets on his horse and rides absolutely everywhere
until he finds the cabin that says ALL TRAVELERS WELCOME
and he goes inside
and the pure white virgin is like hey guess what
your wife is here
also her son
whose name is “Filled-With-Grief”
pretty emo if you ask me
and then the queen busts out like HEY HUSBAND WHAT’S UP
and the king is like WHAT THE FUCK WHY DO YOU HAVE HANDS
because oh yeah
the queen was so pious and godly and stuff for seven years
that her FUCKING HANDS GREW BACK
and she’s like oh
you don’t believe it’s me, huh?
well here’s those useless shitty silver hands you made me
and the king is like oh
awesome
i guess it really is you
and then they live happily ever after
along with their son whose name is still Filled-With-Grief

so the moral of the story
is try not to name your kids during post-partum depression
it is a recipe for disaster

THE END.

JESUS CHRIST FINALLY

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Hey so it turns out that recording a video about jesus
while you are being forced by police to remain in constant motion
is harder than I thought
so I had to go home and catch up on some sleep
and do a video the old fashioned way

Seriously though, guys
the protesters occupying the space in front of the Federal Reserve here in Chicago are getting royally screwed. They can’t sleep there, they can’t store their stuff, in theory they can’t even sit down, and there’s not a decent spot for them to move to as far as I can see short of giving up the occupation altogether. The only solution I can see is if we get enough people out there that the cops can’t stop us all from setting up camp. So if you live in Chicago, and you’re sick to death of a select few evil bastards making millions by doing nothing more than sucking the lifeblood out of the American economy and buying out politicians, get down to Jackson and Lasalle and occupy already. If you don’t live in Chicago, find the occupation nearest you and do whatever you can to contribute. And don’t think living outside of the US is any excuse. There are occupations going down fucking EVERYWHERE. Who knows, I might even show up and tell you a story.

but yeah, here’s the video:

let’s beat the shit out of some moneylenders together, guys.

God: Male Chauvenist, or Just a Huge Asshole?

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Dude this is so rad
thanks to all yall who sent me approximately eighteen hojillion requests
these will keep me entertained/busy for a while
BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN YOU CAN STOP SENDING REQUESTS
seriously
this shit cuts down on my research time
which is helpful because I am in school

so this particular myth
comes to us from this cool lady who helped me make chili in Syracuse one time
(that’s right guys
if you help me make chili you jump to the front of the line)
her name is MEGA BULLDOZER LIGHTNINGSTEIN
this story predates the bible
but it is sort of about stuff that happens in the bible
so I guess it is like
reverse fanfiction?
like maybe the whole bible is a massive labyrinthian product
of this myth’s fan forums?

OKAY
so you remember the book of Genesis, right?
that’s the one where there’s a garden
and Adam is in it
and then he’s bored so God makes him a sex slave out of one of his ribs
but hold on there, cowboy
because before Eve
there used to be a different chick
her name was Lilith
and she was not made out of anybody’s ribs except her own
because originally
when god was making people
he decided to just go for broke and make man and woman at the same time
both out of the same dirt
if you think about it, that makes a lot more sense than what he ended up doing
but see here’s the problem
when you are made out of the same constituent materials as somebody else
as opposed to one of their ribs
you start to harbor problematic delusions of equality
and this manifests itself pretty quickly
as an argument over what position Adam and Lilith are gonna have sex in
see Adam wants to do it missionary style
he honestly cannot see this shit happening any other way
and Lilith is like Adam honey
let me give you a lesson in body mechanics:
that is pretty much the worst way we could possibly choose to have sex
short of standing on our hands on top of a bed of hot coals
and at least that would be interesting
plus i don’t want to get dirt on my back
so i am afraid we are going to have to have some girl on top sex
and Adam is like FUCK NO BITCH GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR
and Lilith is like alright well if you’re gonna be deliberately bad at sex
there’s really no reason for me to hang out here anymore
peace
and then she abruptly flies away
and Adam is like aw dammit what am I gonna do now?
GODDDDDDD
and God is like WHAT?
and Adam is like LILITH RAN WAY AND SHE SAID I WAS DELIBERATELY BAD AT SEX
and God is like WELL FUCK THAT
HOW ABOUT THIS:
I WILL SEND SOME ANGELS TO LET HER KNOW THAT SHE CAN EITHER COME BACK
OR HAVE 100 OF HER CHILDREN DIE EVERY DAY
and Adam is like okay sounds good

so God sends some angels to go get Lilith
and when they find her she’s floating in the middle of the red sea
and the angels are like hey Lilith
are you gonna come back to the garden of Eden?
and Lilith says that depends
is Adam still gonna be really bad at sex?
and the angels are like yeah
probably
and Lilith is like well then no
and the angels are like WE’RE GONNA DROWN YOU IN THE SEA
and Lilith is like no you aren’t
come on
how about instead I become responsible for sudden infant death syndrome
but I add a special exclusionary clause
for kids who are wearing amulets with your faces on them?
and the angels are like well that does appeal to our egotism
SOLD
oh also 100 of your children have to die each day
and Lilith is like oh whatever
I plan on having MORE THAN ENOUGH SEX TO MAKE THAT WORTHWHILE
and the angels kind of shrug their shoulders and go home
and God makes Adam a new wife out of one of his ribs
this time without all the pesky free will
and that dumb skank proceeds to doom all of humankind forever
by eating an apple just because a snake told her to

so the moral of the story
is do not be hesitant to try new things in bed
the fate of the world may hang in the balance

THE END

Eshu Elegba gives Zeus a run for his money

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Still occupying chicago
Still haven’t made that video
It’s in the works though
just be patient
you guys would probably be really amused
if i told you how i got this bible I’m reading
BUT THAT IS NOT THE STORY I’M TELLING
THE STORY I’M TELLING IS ANOTHER STORY ABOUT PROFESSIONAL CLEVERDICK EXTRAORDINAIRE
ESHU ELEGBA
(by the way guys I am seriously fiending for some myth suggestions
so please suggest me some myths)

So let me tell you some facts about Eshu Elegba’s dick
FACT ONE:
Eshu Elegba’s dick has been at times referred to as
“The mythic humanizer of sex”
which was coincidentally also my nickname in college
FACT TWO:
there is a poem about Eshu Elegba’s dick that goes something like this:
ESHU’S PENIS IS HUGE
ONE TIME HE USED IT TO MAKE A BRIDGE
BUT IT BROKE IN HALF
ALL THE TRAVELERS DROWNED
my question here
is whose bright idea was it do walk across a giant dick bridge in the first place
BUT ANYWAY

having a large penis is not all fun and games guys
because it also leads to UNRULY BONERS GOING OFF ALL THE TIME
decapitating seagulls
skewering the international space station
let me give you an example:

so Eshu is traveling with his bro and his sis
they are pretending to be some wandering minstrels in a funeral procession
and they come across three chicks
who they proceed to murder
FOR NO REASON
okay
so far this sounds pretty reasonable
but so then what Eshu does
is he sneaks off with the corpses
has sex with them
has sex with his mother in law
then tops off this quadruple-decker sex sundae by having sex with a local princess
this princess is the daughter of king Metonofi
whose entire kingdom is completely impotent
because earlier Eshu flew over with a crop duster full of dick-don’t-work spray
and the king gets so fucking excited when he learns his daughter is pregnant
he is like ESHU
GREAT WORK
AS A REWARD
HOW ABOUT PICK SOMEONE AND HAVE SEX WITH THEM
IT CAN BE ANYONE
and Eshu is like duh
what do you think I’ve been doing
honestly I am not even that jazzed about the idea of spending valuable sex time
deciding on someone to have sex with
how about i just go back to fucking everything everywhere
in reverse alphabetical order
and the king is like okay well fair enough
how about I also declare you to be the intermediary between worlds?
and Eshu is like okay sounds fair
does that job involve any actual work though?
I predict that I will be pretty busy having sex basically all the time forever
so I hope it doesn’t involve any work
and the king is like oh Eshu you so crazy
thanks for knocking up my daughter
and Eshu is like who did what now?
nevermind I see something vaguely hole-shaped over there I’m gonna investigate

so the moral of the story
is if you find that you’ve killed someone
the safest course of action is to just fuck everyone in a twelve mile radius
you might even get sweet prizes

THE END.

No Video Tonight Guys

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I have been occupying Chicago for the better part of the last 48 hours
(actually more like two months but you know what I mean)
and while I have done the reading necessary to do the next Jesus video
I have not actually been at my computer long enough to record one
and I have slept even less than I have been at my computer.
I hope to record the next video on the street tomorrow in front of the fed
and you can enjoy wacky jesus hijinks then
(also this will not effect regular posts, I promise)
meanwhile
what the fuck are you guys doing reading this shit?
GET OUT THERE AND OCCUPY SOME SHIT.

Eshu Elegba: Okay, This is Getting Kind of Freaky

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Here’s a short one, cause I gotta get downtown and join this shit
(there is probably one in your neighborhood too
so if you feel like shit’s fucked up and you wanna do something about it
maybe give this a shot)

anyway you guys already know who Eshu is

he’s that big dick with the psychedelic hat
but i don’t think you realize how literal the “big dick” part of that description is
see one day Eshu decides he’s going to get him some prophecies
so what he does is he climbs this big palm tree
and on top of the tree sits this chick named Gbadu
she is the PERSONIFICATION OF DIVINATION
and she has SIXTEEN EYES
and they are all closed
to everything except THE FUTURE
which is a really inefficient use of sixteen eyes if you ask me but whatever
so basically what Eshu does is he gets a handful of palm nuts
and uses them as a pattern
which he then uses to open all sixteen of Gbadu’s eyes in sequence
which i guess teaches him something about the future
but is that enough for Eshu?
Of course not
he’s sitting up on top of a palm tree with a hot psychic lady
and ALL HER EYES ARE CLOSED
so what does he do?
he sexes the bajeezus out of her is what he does
then he climbs down the tree and sexes the bajeezus out of her daughter
So obviously this pisses off Gbadu a whole lot
so she calls the god police
which is actually this chick Mawu-Lisa
and Mawu Lisa is like HEY ESHU
HAVE YOU BEEN SEXING ALL THE WEIRD PSYCHIC CHICKS?
and Eshu is like nuh uh not me
and Mawu-Lisa is like TAKE OFF YOUR PANTS
and Eshu is like oh sweet bout to get some more sex
(i guess totally forgetting that Mawu-Lisa is his MOM)
and he drops his pants
and SPROING
HERE COMES ESHU’S RAMPANT DONG
PLOWING WHOLE FIELDS AND COCKSLAPPING TOWNSHIPS AS IT UNFURLS
and Mawu-Lisa is like son
that looks like a dick that has just been banging psychic chicks
and Eshu is like aww you got me mom
and Mawu is like Eshu you have been a very naughty boy
I am going to curse you
with PERMANENT ERECTIONS
and Eshu is like wait what?
you’re cursing me with eternal sexytimes?
Uh
okay
and Mawu is like WAIT WAIT YOU’LL ALSO NEVER BE SATISFIED
and Eshu is like too late already started banging Gbadu again
and Gbadu is like hey quit it
and Eshu is like YOU HEARD MY MOM
IF YOU GOT A PROBLEM TAKE IT UP WITH HER
so basically no one except for Eshu is happy ever again

So the moral of the story
is while it may be prudent to fight fire with fire
it is never a good idea to fight rapists with viagra

THE END.