Okay, Queens

this story has at least two of them
no wait
three I think
whatever
the point is the first queen is really shitty at weaving
for one thing
she does it outside in the snow during winter
for another thing
she stabs the shit out of her finger on the spindle and starts bleeding everywhere
jesus guys
these spindles are a goddamn public menace
but yeah she sees all this blood all over the goddamn snow
and she’s like I WANT MY KID TO LOOK LIKE THAT
so BAM
she suddenly has a baby and then dies
AMBUSH PREGNANCY

but it’s okay
because this baby is SUPER HOT
her name is snow white
i guess in honor of her dumb mom’s dumb decisions
but then it’s not okay
because snow white’s dad decides to marry some wretched piece of shit stepmother
OF COURSE
and this skank bank is apparently all about being super pretty
in fact she is so all about it that she has this fucked up mirror that can talk
and i guess keeps an eye on where all the hot chicks are at
so that every night she can stand in front of the mirror like YO
MIRROR MIRROR
MADE OF GLASS
WHO IS THE CHOICEST PIECE OF ASS
and the mirror is like
IT’S YOU OKAY
LEAVE ME ALONE
seriously the mirror does not manage to bust a single rhyme in this whole story
but so this goes on for quite a while
seven years actually
until one day the stepmother rolls in like
MIRROR MIRROR
IN MY ROOM
WHO HAS ALL THE VA VA VOOM
and the mirror is like
WELL I MEAN YOU’RE PRETTY HOT AND EVERYTHING
BUT I AM ACTUALLY KIND OF INTO YOUR SEVEN YEAR OLD STEPDAUGHTER
and the stepmother is like WHAT
STUPID PEDOPHILE MIRROR
NOW I GOTTA MURDER MY STEPDAUGHTER
but she doesn’t want to get blood all over her new manicure
so actually she hires an extremely unreliable woodcutter to do it
presumably because he has an axe already so that’s one less thing to think about

so the woodcutter takes snow white out into the woods
and then he’s like hold still let me murder you
and she’s like WAAH NO COME ON
and he’s like well you are pretty hot
how about i let you run away and get eaten by wolves instead
and snow white is like sounds good
and off she goes
and then while the woodcutter is standing there
a boar just comes charging out of fucking nowhere
and the wood guy proceeds to cut its fucking face off
then tear out its lungs and liver
SERIOUSLY I AM NOT MAKING THAT PART UP
THE WOODCUTTER: DEFINITELY THE BEST CHARACTER IN THIS CARNIVAL OF FAILURE

but so the woodcutter brings the lungs and liver back to the queen
all like here is some proof i killed that chick
and also that i am manly enough to rip out someone’s fucking lungs
and the queen is like MM LUNGS MY FAVORITE
and proceeds to STEW AND EAT THEM
THINKING THAT THEY ARE THE LUNGS OF A SEVEN YEAR OLD CHILD
WHAT THE FUCK LADY
JUST WHAT THE FUCK

meanwhile snow white is wandering through the woods
you know
starving to death
when all of a sudden she finds a house
which as we know
is ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN
so she runs inside
and she finds seven tiny plates on a tiny table
and seven tiny chairs
and seven tiny beds
so she’s like hm
i heard about that dumb bitch goldilocks
but these plates are way too small to belong to bears
whoever owns this house
i can totally take them
so she eats all the food
then sleeps in all the beds
and finally
once she’s 100% passed the fuck out
some dwarves show up
seven dwarves to be exact
and they are like what the fuck where is our food
why did we leave it out on the table when we were going to be out mining all day
why is there some chick sleeping in all our beds
maybe we should murder her
no wait she’s too hot to murder
fuck
i guess we’re all sleeping together tonight

so the dwarves all pile up in one bed while snow white sprawls over the rest of them
and then in the morning she wakes up like HOLY SHIT DWARVES
and the dwarves are like don’t make any sudden moves
we have pickaxes
the only reason we’re not fucking you to death right now is you are seven years old
also not made of gold
but we came up with a plan while we were spooning last night
which is how about you clean our house and make all our meals
and in exchange
uh
you can sleep here or whatever
and Snow White is like sounds great!
so that is what they do

but meanwhile
Bitchingstein don Crunk is back in her castle
yelling at her reflection
all like MIRROR MIRROR
OH SO SHINY
WHAT’S THE RANKING OF MY HINEY
and the mirror is like UH
PRETTY SURE WE ALREADY WENT OVER THIS
YOUR STEPDAUGHTER IS ACTUALLY STARTING TO FILL OUT
AND LET ME TELL YOU
WOW
and the queen is like AAAAAAAAAA NOW I GOTTA MURDER THAT HO AGAIN
so she comes up with a brilliant plan
which is to disguise herself as a poor person
and hike all the way to the dwarves’ place
(the mirror has gps by the way)
and then when the dwarves are out mining gold and then fucking it
she comes up to the door like OY
IS ANYONE IN THERE
I AM SELLING REALLY PRETTY CORSETS
and snow white is like CORSETS
SIGN ME UP
and she lets the queen in and the queen is like here
let me put this one on for you
and then she pulls it SO TIGHT that all snow white’s organs shoot into her brain
and she passes out
and the queen is like HAHAHAHA I WIN
and leaves
and then of course the dwarves come home and take off the corset and she’s fine
and they’re like hey so Snow White
you might want to stop opening the door to sketchy strangers
and Snow White is like yeah i guess you’re right

so MEANWHILE
Bitches Oshaugnessy is back at her castle
staring at her fucking skeezy stalker mirror
all like MIRROR MIRROR
SO LEGIT
DO I HAVE THE NICEST TITS?
and the mirror is like WELL
YOUR TITS ARE PRETTY NICE
BUT I AM REALLY A LOT MORE INTO THE TITS OF YOUR STEPDAUGHTER
I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO GO KILL HER
BUT I’M GLAD YOU DIDN’T
BECAUSE THEN WHO WOULD I STARE AT IN THE SHOWER
YOU?
PSH
YOU’RE OLD
and the queen is like FUCK EVERYTHING
I NEED TO KILL THAT LITTLE TWANK ONCE AND FOR ALL
so she comes up with the perfect plan:
make a poison comb
disguise herself as THE SAME OLD WOMAN
and then hike back to dwarfhaus

so she knocks on the door
and Snow White is like hey so i’m not really supposed to let you in anymore
and the queen is like yeah i understand that
but hey look at this shiny comb
and Snow White is like DO COME IN
COMB THE SHIT OUT OF MY HAIR
and then the queen combs Snow White’s hair and Snow White dies
BUT LUCKILY HERE COME THE DWARVES
they take the comb out of her hair
and she comes back to life
because apparently that is how poison works
and they’re like hey uh
Snow White?
remember how we suggested you might want to not let people into the house
because they might be trying to kill you?
remember how it already happened once
and it just happened again?
maybe you should try being just a little more careful?
and Snow White is like yeah yeah for sure no problem

MEANWHILE
back at the castle
the queen is in front of her mirror
doing her evening striptease/ego trip
MIRROR MIRROR
IN A FRAME
FOR WHOSE VAGINA DO MEN AIM
and the mirror is like IS THIS A TRICK QUESTION
LOOK I TOLD YOU
I’M INTO YOUR STEPDAUGHTER
EVERYONE IS INTO YOUR STEPDAUGHTER
SHE’S LIKE AT LEAST TWELVE NOW
TOTALLY BANGABLE
I WISH THIS MIRROR HAD A PENIS ON IT
I COULD HAVE SWORN YOU WERE TRYING TO KILL HER OR SOMETHING
WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT?
and the stepmother is like RRRRRRRR
IT’S PEANUT BUTTER MURDER TIME
and she goes into her evil laboratory
and she mixes up some ULTRAPOISON
and she uses it to make an ULTRAPOISONOUS APPLE
and then she dresses up as the SAME FUCKING HAG
and makes the SAME FUCKING TREK
to the SAME FUCKING HOUSE with Snow White in it

so she rolls up to the door
and Snow White is like no way jose
the dwarves said I’m definitely not supposed to let anybody inside
plus i think you already tried to murder me two times
or at least prank me
but if you were just trying to prank me those were not very good pranks
they were less like pranks and more like attempted murder
and the queen is like WELL I GUESS I’M GOING TO HAVE TO EAT THIS DELICIOUS APPLE
ALL
BY
MYSELF
and Snow White is like NO WAIT
GIVE ME HALF
and the queen is like SURE
but the trick is
SHE ONLY POISONED THAT HALF OF THE APPLE
so she eats her half and she’s fine
but snow white eats her half
LIKE AN IDIOT
and FUCKING DIES
AGAIN
at which point the queen runs back to her mirror
all like MIRROR MIRROR
I HAVE A GUN
TELL ME I’M THE FAIREST ONE
and the mirror is like SHIT MAN FINE
YOU’RE THE HOTTEST THING SINCE LAVA BURLESQUE
BE COOL BE COOL

so then the dwarves arrive like hey snow white do you have our dinner AWW MAN
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?
AGAIN?
AGAIN WITH THIS SHIT?
BOY I GUESS THE PRETTY SUCKED THE SMART RIGHT OUT OF HER HEAD HUH?
I MEAN SERIOUSLY
HOW MANY TIMES DID WE WARN HER ABOUT THIS SHIT
HOW MANY TIMES?
NOW WHO THE FUCK IS GOING TO COOK US DINNER
COME ON BITCH WAKE UP
but it’s no use
she’s not waking up this time
she ate a poison apple
she is dead for real
so they decide they have to have a funeral
but at the same time
they also decide that she is too sexy to bury
so they make her a glass coffin
and they keep it above ground on top of a hill
presumably waiting for the sun to team up with some maggots and explode her body
but guess what
THAT NEVER HAPPENS
it never happens for so long that guess who shows up
TIME’S UP
A FUCKING PRINCE SHOWS UP
he’s just wandering through the woods
like princes do
when he’s like WHOA THERE
A PERFECTLY PRESERVED HOT CHICK IN A GLASS COFFIN
WHO’S BEEN READING MY FETISH NOTEBOOK?
and he rolls into the dwarves’ place like sup guys
can i take your sexy coffin lady?
and they’re like sure whatever
so he starts trying to drag the coffin away
but WHAT DO YOU KNOW
LOOKS LIKE HE IS SHITTY AT CARRYING THINGS
because he drops the coffin and it falls all over everything
glass explodes everywhere
everyone is bleeding and it’s great
it’s like one of those timeless comedy sequences
where they knock gramma’s ashes off the mantlepiece
only grandma’s ashes are a hot chick
but guess what guys
apparently this hilarious fall
manages to dislodge the apple core
which was apparently blocking Snow White’s windpipe FOR SEVERAL YEARS
wait hold on
was this apple even actually poisoned?
or was it just a regular apple
and the queen figured snow white was too dumb to eat it right?
jury’s still out
and nope
the prince does not wake snow white up by kissing her
he wakes her up by failing
but that doesn’t stop these two idiots from getting married
nor does it stop them from inviting snow white’s bitch of a stepmother to the wedding
and the stepmother gets the invitation
and she’s like should i go
it might be awkward
seeing as I tried to kill this chick four times
and one of those times I ACTUALLY SUCCEEDED
but whatever
a party’s a party
so she shows up
and everyone’s like SURPRISE
WE MADE YOU SOME SHOES OUT OF BURNING HOT IRON
PUT THEM ON AND DANCE UNTIL YOU DIE
and so that happens and everyone is very pleased with themselves forever

so the moral of the story
is if you are trying to kill someone
don’t mess around with this apple bullshit
use a knife
or i guess molten hot dance shoes

THE END

Okay so there’s this prince right

A PRINCE YOU SAY?
NO SHIT
yes my friends there is definitely a prince
and the way you can tell he is a prince
is that he is a total picky-as-fuck asshole brigade all rolled into a single dickweed burrito
see he is trying to find the perfect princess right
but he has a really weird definition of princess
whereas most people might define princess as
“daughter of a king”
this twank tank defines princess as
“any woman with a supernaturally oversensitive spine”
he is so intent on his mega retarded alternate dictionary that he devises a princess test
basically you gotta come in and take a nap in his house
but not just any nap
THE ULTIMATE NAP
by which i mean a nap on top of TWENTY FUCKING MATTRESSES
that is too many mattresses my friends
if I had that many mattresses I would not waste any time sleeping on them
i would build an impenetrable mattress fortress and NEVER SLEEP AGAIN
but anyway underneath this carnival of comfort
the prince places a SINGLE
FUCKING
PEA
and if the would-be princess doesn’t bitch about it in the morning
bam
no marriage
no you know what
that’t not brutal enough
and i’m sure you guys are gonna come rushing in with some alternate version where like
everyone gets face-raped by orangoutangs or the sun explodes and there’s incest
so fuck it
pre-emptive revision
if you don’t feel the pea you get fed to bears
so everyone is getting fed to bears left and right
limbs are flying all over the place
it’s great
when all of a sudden it starts raining
this is not important it is just so the next princess can make a dramatic entrance
all like KASLOOSH
I AM A TOTALLY LEGIT PRINCESS
I KNOW I AM KIND OF MOIST RIGHT NOW AND COVERED IN DEAD LEAVES
BUT I CLEAN UP REAL GOOD I PROMISE
PLEASE AT LEAST GIVE ME A PLACE TO CRASH FOR THE NIGHT BEFORE I GET FED TO BEARS
and the prince is like alright whatever
my bears are pretty hungry
get on the mattress pile
so she does
and then in the morning he’s like well how did you sleep
and the chick is like TERRIBLE
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU PUT IN MY BED
IT’S LIKE I WAS SLEEPING ON A GUN THAT SHOOTS EXPLODING JACKHAMMERS
WHAT KIND OF SHITTY HOST ARE YOU
YOU’RE A PRINCE RIGHT?
LIKE I HEARD YOU WERE A PRINCE
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS CAN’T YOU EVEN AFFORD TWENTY MATTRESSES THAT DON’T SUCK?
YOU’RE PATHETIC
YOU’RE WORSE THAN PATHETIC
IF SHIT COULD SHIT
YOU ARE WHAT IT WOULD SHIT ON
and the prince is like hooray let’s get married

so ladies
the moral of the story
is be a huge bitch all the time
riches await

THE END

Guys I have a confession to make
I am not exhaustively researching these fairytales
i pretty much have this one book and i am using the versions in this book
what i am saying is your alternate versions in the comments are greatly appreciated
also
anyone who is not reading the alternate versions in the comments:
sucks to be you i guess

OKAY SO THERE’S THIS PIECE OF SHIT MILLER

not the miller from the canterbury tales
he is a piece of shit too
but he at least has the redeeming quality of telling rad stories
no
this guy is just 100% grade A prime ground asshole
one day he decides to go talk to the king
and he’s like hm
i’m just a piece of shit miller
how do i make myself seem important?
oh I know
LYING
so he rolls up on the king’s throne room like OY
MY DAUGHTER CAN SPIN STRAW INTO GOLD
PS: I DO NOT THINK ABOUT THE CONSEQUENCES OF MY ACTIONS
JUST PUTTING THAT OUT THERE
and the king is like oh man
i have a fuckton of straw
and also a fuckton of gold but you know what they say
until you can swim in a pool full of gold like scrooge mcduck
you are not a real king
BRING YOUR DAUGHTER IN HERE
and the miller is like uh sure ok
are you gonna pay me to use her or anything?
and the king is like NOPE
and the miller is like shit well this went bad pretty fast

so he brings his daughter to the king
and the king locks his daughter in a room
mercifully fails to rape her
PROBABLY
and then is like OK
THIS ROOM IS FULL OF STRAW
I WANT THAT STRAW TO BE GOLD IN THE MORNING OR I WILL KILL YOU
THAT’S RIGHT
YOU
NOT YOUR SHITTY LYING FATHER
YOU ARE GOING TO PAY FOR EVERYONE ELSE’S MISTAKES
and the daughter is like well that seems fair
then the king leaves and she starts crying

so around midnight
the door unlocks and some weird sketchy looking dwarf rolls in
probably wearing all kinds of needlessly pointy clothing
hats and shoes and whatever
grinning like a goddamn grin machine
and he’s like hey gurl
i herd u needed sum straw spun in2 gold
i can do this
i am a dwarf and as a dwaf it is very useful to know how to make gold from straw
you know
so i can fuck it
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
but ok so first order of business
what are you gonna give me if i do this
and the girl is like uh
how about my necklace
and the dwarf is like DONE
and then he sits down and has a motherfucking gold party on that spindle
lotta fairytales about spindles i guess
but yeah the king shows up in the morning and the dwarf is gone and he is like
WHOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
alright i am going to make you do this AGAIN

so he locks this chick in a BIGGER room
full of MORE straw
and is like goodnight
make this straw into gold
i’ll most likely kill you in the morning
and then the dwarf shows up like DID SOMEBODY SAY GOLD
and the girl is like here you can have my ring
and the dwarf is like SOLD
and in the morning the king comes back like OH SNAP
BUT I STILL DON’T HAVE ENOUGH GOLD
EVEN THOUGH I AM KING OF AN ENTIRE FUCKING CONTRY
so he puts her in a BIGGER room with MORE straw
and he’s like HERE’S THE DEAL
IF YOU FUCK UP
STILL GONNA KILL YOU
BUT IF YOU WIN
YOU GET TO MARRY ME
DING DING DING DING
and the girl is like oh awesome
i get to marry this homicidal goldophile
what a great incentive
but i guess the better incentive is not getting killed so i kinda gotta do this

so the king leaves and the dwarf shows up like NEED SOME MORE GOLD?
and the girl is like that would be nice yeah
but i am out of things to pay you
and the dwarf is like that’s cool
just promise me your firstborn child
no big deal
and the girl is like sure whatever i don’t need kids anyway
and then the dwarf sits down and makes a fuckton more gold
and the king comes in in the morning like OK FINE
LET’S HAVE SEX

so they do
frequently
and then this chick
who i will from now on refer to as the queen
gets pregnant
barfs out a baby
and then this fucking dwarf shows up like CHILD PLEASE
NOT LIKE THIS IS UNPRECEDENTED
THIS HAPPENS CONSTANTLY IN THESE KINDS OF STORIES
and the queen is like what
i totally forgot about that shit
HOW DO YOU FORGET THINGS LIKE THIS
THEY ARE PRETTY BIG THINGS
but hold on my friends
have you noticed that so far
no one in this fairytale has a name?
they still have the one name alotted per fairytale
and they haven’t used it up
WELL THAT IS ABOUT TO CHANGE
because the little dwarf is like alright
i’ll give you three days
and if you can guess my name in those three days
you can keep your fucking baby
not even entirely sure what i plan to do with the baby honestly

so the queen makes the most out of these three days
she sends messengers all the fuck up over everywhere
just collecting bigass lists of names
and then the dwarf shows up every night
and the queen is like IS YOUR NAME BRADLEY?
KYLE?
VAMPIRELLA?
HULK?
CHEWY?
BODEGA?
NANCY?
BELLBOTTOMS?
FRANK?
and the dwarf is all nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope nope
so then day TWO happens
and it goes much the same way
except that the queen tries all the weird as fuck names
all like IS YOUR NAME TYRANNOSAURUS SEX?
PUNCH ROBOT MCGEE?
TITS DELIRIOUS?
SHORTRIB?
SPINY NORMAN?
COWSHIT DOUGLAS?
and the dwarf is like nope(6)
and then day THREE happens
but see day three is when the investigation gets its big break
because super early in the morning some messenger stumbles in
all like hey
so i had pretty much given up on this stupid quest
but then i just happened to be wandering through the mountains
when i came upon some dude dancing around a fire
freestyling
all like CHECK IT OUT
I STEPPED TO THE QUEEN BOUT TO TAKE HER BABY
SHE SAID CAN I KEEP IT AND I SAID MAYBE
YOU CAN TRY TO GUESS MY NAME BUT I KNOW THAT I’LL STILL WIN
CAUSE WHAT MOTHERFUCKER’S GONNA GUESS RUMPLESTILTSKIN
OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
so uh
yeah
try rumplestiltskin maybe?

so that night the dwarf shows up
and the queen is like IS YOUR NAME CACTUS?
HOBART?
OH WAIT I KNOW
RUMPLESTILTSKIN?
and the dwarf is like AWW FUCK
WHO THE FUCK TOLD YOU
TOTALLY SHOULDN’T HAVE MADE THAT FACEBOOK PROFILE HUH
OH BALLS I AM SO ANGRY NOW
so he does the sensible thing
he stomps on foot so hard it goes all the way into the ground
and then he tries to grab his other foot
and use it to pull himself out of the ground
but that is not how this shit works
so instead he TEARS HIMSELF IN HALF
METALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
and then the queen lives happily ever after and no one fucks with her ever again

so the moral of the story
is consider developing ludicrously unrealistic expectations for your children
it will encourage dwarves to appear and grant them wishes

THE END

Boy it must be great to be rich AND magical huh

the reason I say this
is because of this story i am about to tell you
which is about some rich as fuck king and queen
who happen to also be mega impotent/sterile
until one day the queen is taking a bath and crying about her broken womb
and this frog jumps out of the bath like RIBBIT RIBBIT YOU GON GET PREGNANT
and then what do you know
chick gets pregnant
perhaps the frog living in her bathtub had something to do with this?

but no
in nine months the queen does not pop out a hideous frogbaby
she actually pops out a normal human baby
a baby who she names Briar Rose
(have you guys noticed
that only one person is allowed to have a name per fairytale
except in hansel and gretel but whatever they’re siblings)
and the king is so excited about this
even though he is probably wondering if it is even his kid
that he decides to have a MASSIVE PARTY
and invite EVERYONE
probably even that frog that lives in his wife’s bath
but of all the people he invites
he ESPECIALLY invites all these wise women who live all over the damn place
and when I say wise women
what i really mean
is Wise Women
these women are not the ordinary kind of wise
nor are they the ordinary kind of women
probably a better name for them would be something like uh
WITCHES
but it’s cool
these witches are not naughty by nature
in fact
if you invite them to your dinner parties
they might even grant your babies SWEET WISHES
so that is the king’s clever plan here

except OH NO WHAT IS THIS
looks like they don’t have enough solid gold plates for all thirteen Wise Women
so they have to not invite one
but that’s cool because thirteen is an unlucky number anyway right?
YUP
but the problem is it is still unlucky if you don’t invite all thirteen
in fact it is more unlucky
because during the party
while the twelve witches who got invited are busy granting sweet baby wishes
like “you gon be super hot”
and
“you gon be mega virtuous”
and “blah blah blah tits”
the thirteenth witch shows up like BAZOOM ASSHOLES
I WASN’T INVITED SO NOW I AM RUINING YOUR PARTY
JUST LIKE ERIS IN GREEK MYTHOLOGY
OR LOKI IN THE FUCKING LOKASENNA
WHAT THE FUCK GUYS DON’T YOU READ ANYTHING HOW COULD YOU NOT SEE THIS COMING
and then she goes ahead and shits in everyone’s milk
by cursing Briar Rose to prick her finger on a spindle when she’s 15 and then die
and then she leaves
she doesn’t even shout any insults or anything
what a fucking buzzkill

but it’s okay because there is still one other wise woman
who has not used up all her wishjuice yet
so she uses her powers to downgrade the death part of the curse
to “hundred year sleep”
which i guess is the best she could do
not sure why but i guess she is a witch so she understands this stuff better than me

anyway then all the wise women leave and everyone goes about their business
apparently their business is to set fire to every spindle in the kingdom
so that there will be no spindles for Briar Rose to get fucked by
GUYS
IT’S A MAGICAL FUCKING CURSE
IT’S GONNA HAPPEN NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO
JUST LIKE IN OEDIPUS REX
AND WITH DANAE
AND WITH CUCHULAINN
SERIOUSLY DON’T YOU PEOPLE FUCKING READ ANYTHING?
so yeah when this chick turns fifteen
she just stumbles into some random room in the castle
and there’s some old crone chilling in there just spinning shit
and briar rose
who has never seen a fucking spinning wheel before
is like WHOA WHAT IS THIS THING
and the old woman is like IT IS A SPINNING WHEEL
WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME INJURE YOURSELF ON IT
and Briar Rose is like WOULD I
here’s the thing guys
if you grew up your whole life under the shadow of some prophecy
that was like YOU ARE GOING TO PRICK YOUR HAND ON A SPINNING WHEEL THING
would you maybe be a little paranoid about spinning wheels?
at the very least
wouldn’t you probably be a little careful
when picking up and examining THE FUCKING SPINDLE
maybe you would
but briar rose sure as shit doesn’t
she all but breaks her face running across the room to impale herself on that spindle
and then WHABOOM
she falls asleep
and WHABOOM
everyone ELSE in the castle falls asleep
wait hold on
that wasn’t part of the deal
what the fuck witch you don’t get to just go adding bullshit clauses to your spell
shit’s a MAGIC SPELL
not a magic fucking suggestion
shit i mean even the fire falls asleep
fire doesn’t even sleep
what bullshit is this
and then on top of that
a fuckton of brambles suddenly grow around the castle
SERIOUSLY
THAT DOESN’T EVEN HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING

so okay
everyone’s asleep
covered in brambles
great
but that’s not the end of the story
AS USUAL
apparently all the princes heard
that there were not enough princes in the last 2 myths
so they all lined up and started flinging themselves bodily into the brambles around the castle
FOR A HUNDRED YEARS
until finally some special prince shows up
all like i’m sure i will not get murdered like everyone else
and GUESS WHAT
HE’S 100% RIGHT
THE BRAMBLES MOVE OUT OF HIS WAY
AND TURN INTO FUCKING FLOWERS
why?
is he magic?
is he pure of heart or something?
exceptionally pretty
NOPE
IT’S JUST BEEN A HUNDRED YEARS SO IT IS TIME TO WAKE UP NOW
I GUESS ALL THOSE OTHER PRINCES JUST HAD SHITTY TIMING
WAY TO GO EVERYONE GOOD JOB
NO ONE IS SPECIAL EVERYONE SUCKS

so this prince just strolls on in
comes up on hotpants mcprincess all asleep in the spindle room
and is like oh man i wanna break me off a piece of that
marinate it in a brown sugar and vinegar reduction
slow roast it at low temperature
and then fuck the shit out of her

several hours later he kisses her and she wakes up
all like man my ass hurts who are you
let’s get married
and then everyone else wakes up too and they all live happily ever after i guess
except that everyone they knew before they went to sleep is dead
pretty depressing but that’s the risk you run living in a fucking fairytale

so the moral of the story
is if your friends are having a baby shower
maybe you should buy them some extra plates
extra plates could have prevented all of this shit

THE END

guys you are buying shirts too fast
i am already starting to kind of run out
and i am sick of fucking making these things
so what i am going to do
is once these sell out (there are 2 smalls left and one of them is grey
also 3 Large, 3 XL, and 3 Med)
i am going to just suck it up and screenprint like a hundred of these
so there is going to be a period where I am not going to be shipping out any shirts
i will let you know when that is

BUT ANYWAY

Wow this Jack guy is an asshole

seriously
I’ve written well over two hundred of these myths
from like six hundred different cultures
over a year or so
and in that time i’ve come across a lot of assholes
but i don’t think any of them were quite so greedy, lazy, and needlessly cruel
as this festering little beershit with no last name
this is his story:

so jack lives with his mom in bumfuck poortowne, England
and they are pretty bumfuck poor
they are selling all of their possessions one at a time
just to be able to afford BREAD
and they are poor already so it’s not like they have a ton of possessions to sell
so pretty soon they run out of shit
all they have left is a cow named Milky White
yep
they put more effort into naming the damn COW than they did with the MAIN CHARACTER
although honestly Milky White is not that clever of a name
that’s like naming your best pig Bacon O’Shaugnessy
except less creative actually because MILK IS WHITE
but anyway eventually the cow’s udder breaks
and they’re like fuck it
guess we gotta sell this piece of shit
and Jack
who is too young (read: lazy) to work
is like MOM I TOTALLY GOT THIS
LEMME RIDE THE COW TO TOWN AND I WILL GET TONS OF MONEY FOR IT
and his mom is like i’m too poor to go outside so go for it

so jack gets on this cow and he’s like YAHH TRICK YAHHH
and he’s riding to town when he passes a butcher
and the butcher’s like OY KID
WHERE YOU GOIN WIV DAT COW
(Myths RETOLD! NOW WITH ACCENTS)
and Jack is like uh i’m try’na sell this bitch
and the butcher is like man it’s a long way to the market huh
how about i save you the trip by swindling you out of your cow RIGHT NOW
and Jack’s like sounds good tell me more
and the butcher is like ok i’ve got these five beans right
i will give you those for my cow
but these are not just any beans
these beans are MAGIC
and jack is like MAGIC?!
I WISH I HAD MORE COWS
and he runs home with these beans and no cow

so imagine you are the mom
you trusted your lazy piece of shit son to do ONE THING
ONE THING
and he comes home with a handful of beans and a big fat idiot grin on his idiot face
so obviously you pimp smack him so hard his face teleports to next tuesday
toss his idiot beans out the window
then send him to bed without food
because remember
YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FUCKING FOOD
this is what happens
this is good parenting and it is the only thing i agree with in this WHOLE TALE

but what happens next just pisses me right off
because jack wakes up in the morning and GUESS WHAT
THE BEANS HAVE GROWN INTO A GIANT BEANSTALK GOING ALL THE WAY UP TO HEAVEN
OR AT LEAST ENGLAND’S CLOSEST EQUIVALENT TO HEAVEN:
A CLOUD CITY INFESTED WITH EVIL GIANTS
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE JACK WHAT HAVE YOU UNLEASHED ON THE WORLD?
but so obviously this has a really catastrophic effect on Jack’s ego
also his morals and his decision making calculus
because see
he has just been rewarded for making a shitty stupid decision
at least if you consider a bridge to a land full of massive cannibals a reward
and if you are a person who routinely makes shitty stupid decisions
as Jack does
a reward is probably exactly what you consider this to be

so of course jack just jumps directly out of his window and onto the beanstalk
and he climbs it all the way up to Giantstowne
and immediately some fairy appears next to him like OY
THAT GIANT WHO LIVES IN THAT CASTLE OVER THERE?
HE KILLED YOUR DAD
YOUR MOM IS SWORN TO SECRECY
ANYTHING YOU DO TO THIS GUY IS TOTALLY JUSTIFIED
and of course jack takes this claim at face value
why?
because EVERY GROUNDLESS, IDIOTIC THING HE HAS BEEN TOLD SO FAR HAS BEEN TRUE
but here’s the thing
FAIRIES LIE
ALL THE TIME
HOW THE HELL WOULD JACK’S DAD EVEN GET UP HERE
THIS SHIT IS MORE EXCLUSIVE THAN A GATED COMMUNITY
YOU ACTUALLY NEED TO BE A FUCKING IDIOT TO EVEN TRY COMING UP HERE
although if his dad did find some stupid way up to cloud city
i guess we know where Jack got his idiot genes

but that is neither here nor there
remember jack didn’t get dinner last night
so he’s pretty hungry
he decides that the thing to do
is just roll straight up to the castle of the giant who apparently killed his dad
and ask for breakfast
perhaps this is how his dad died
just a thought
but anyway he’s a lucky motherfucker because instead of running into the giant
he runs into the giant’s wife
who is also a giant
but not quite as bitey as her husband
and she’s like sure whatever you can come have breakfast
but if my husband catches you he’s gon’ fuck you up
and Jack is like whatever man

so Jack has a fat breakfast but then they hear the giant coming
and the giantess is like OHHH SHITTTT
QUICK
HIDE IN THIS GIANT TEAKETTLE
so Jack hides
and then the giant enters
rapping
like YO
SKIBBITY BEBOP A REBOP SCOOBY-DOOD
I FEEL LIKE SOME ASSHOLE’S BEEN EATING MY FOOD
I’LL GRIND HIS BONES AND FLESH TO PASTE
I’VE GOT A WEIRD IDEA OF HOW BREAD SHOULD TASTE
and his wife is like nope no one here but us giants
and the giant is like OK WHATEVER
GONNA EAT A WHOLE TON OF MEAT
NOW I WANNA COUNT MY MONEY
WIFE
BRING ME MY MONEY
so his wife brings him two bigass sacks of gold
and the giant starts counting it
but i guess there are sheep on the coins because then he falls asleep
and jack is like OH MAN
NOW’S THE TIME TO ABUSE THE GIANTESS’S HOSPITALITY
and he jumps out of the kettle
snatches up the sacks of gold
and makes tracks for the goddamn beanstalk
the giant doesn’t even wake up until Jack is like 2 towns over

ok now riddle me this:
Jack is supposed to be too young to work
but he is clearly fit enough to lift TWO ENTIRE SACKS OF GIANT GOLD
AND RUN WITH THEM
GET A REAL FUCKING JOB YOU CRIMINAL
but anyway yeah with their stolen gold jack and his mom are officially rich
there is no record of jack asking his mom if his dad was killed by the giant
presumably because he’s afraid she’ll say no
and his thievery will no longer be morally justified
oh yes
there is definitely more thievery

so Jack and his mom don’t have to worry about food or anything anymore
they are rich as fuck
but Jack cannot stop thinking about fucking over that giant
so one day he climbs up the beanstalk again
and he rolls up to the giant’s castle
and the wife is there again
but she doesn’t recognize him
because he’s dressed like the fucking pimpmaster general
and he’s like hey
can i get some breakfast up in here
and she’s like what does this look like
a goddamn breakfast nook
the last kid who came by looking for breakfast ROBBED OUR HOUSE
and Jack is like look at me
do i look like I need to rob your house
and the giantess is like good point
welcome to breakfast

so jack eats some breakfast
and then they hear the giant coming
and the giantess is like QUICK
INTO THE KETTLE
so in he goes
and then the giant comes in like YO
FLIBBITY BLIP BLAP A BOBBITY BLOUSE
WOMAN I TOLD YOU TO GUARD THE DAMN HOUSE
I’LL ROAST THIS POOR FUCK ON THE END OF MY SWORD
BECAUSE HUMANS ARE THE ONLY MEAT WE CAN AFFORD
and his wife is like CHILL OUT MAN THERE ARE NO HUMANS HERE AT ALL
and the giant is like SERIOUSLY?!
fine whatever
and he sits down and eats a TON of food
and then he’s like WOMAN
BRING ME MY MAGIC CHICKEN
and his wife brings in the magic chicken
and the giant is like HEY MAGIC CHICKEN
LAY ME AN EGG
and it does and it is an egg made of GOLD
and the giant is like LAY
and the chicken is like MORE GOLD
and the giant is like LAY
and MORE GOLD
and then the giant falls asleep for basically no reason at all
what is he out doing all morning that makes him so tired at fucking breakfast time
but anyway Jack again takes this as his cue to fuck everything up
he jumps out of the kettle
grabs the hen
and runs down the beanstalk and back home
thus needlessly adding to their already stupid amount of riches

so time passes
and jack and his mom have so much money they don’t even know what to do with it
they are trying to grow flowers in it and shit but it is not working
because that is not what gold is for
gold is not really for anything
other than making certain kinds of wires and shit
and these people are too dumb for technology
but anyway jack gets bored and he’s like you know what
i know we already have more money than we could ever possibly need
but i just got this new diamond encrusted watch
and because this is the goddamn middle ages and watches don’t even fucking work
it only displays one time
and that time
is time to go fuck over some giants again

So Jack climbs up the beanstalk for a third time
but this time he figures the giant lady might not be too happy to see him
seeing as he has taken advantage of her hospitality TWO TIMES now
so instead he sneaks in through the back way and hides in the oven
now i know what you’re thinking
and no
no one turns on the oven with jack inside and burns him alive
even though they should
no he just stays perfectly safe and cozy in there while the giant comes home like YO
SHIMMY SHIMMY YAH AND HOW YOU DOIN’
SOME DICK’S IN MY CRIB AND MY LIFE IS RUINED
YOU NEED TO GET BETTER ‘BOUT GUARDING THE DOOR
FUCK, WE LIVE IN A CASTLE, HOW’D WE GET THIS POOR?
and his wife is like seriously this time I have no idea what you’re talking about
I know we sat down and had a discussion about bringing strangers into the house
but you gotta believe me i honestly didn’t let anyone in this time
CAN’T YOU SEE
THESE ROBBERIES ARE DESTROYING OUR MARRIAGE
and the giant is like bitch I will destroy YOU
he’s in the kettle isn’t he
i’m gonna look in the kettle
but NOPE!
JACK IS NOT IN THE KETTLE THIS TIME
HE OPTED FOR THE MORE DANGEROUS OPTION AND LIKE USUAL IT WORKED OUT PRETTY WELL
so the giant is like fuck this
it’s not even like we’ve got anything worth stealing left anyway
woman
please bring me my magic harp that sings songs
it is the one thing we still have that brings me some comfort and joy
so the giantess brings in the harp
and the giant is like sing me a lullaby harp
and then the harp sings a mega sweet lullaby and the giant passes out
OF COURSE
and Jack is like YESSS
I BET I CAN SELL THIS THING FOR AT LEAST TWENTY BUCKS
and he busts out of the oven and grabs the harp

ALRIGHT
let’s try and contextualize this a little bit
what jack is doing right now
would be like if you invited someone into your house
and they walked out with your computer and your TV
then they came by later
and you invited them into your house again for some reason
and they stole all your credit cards and cleaned out your bank account
and then
while you were struggling to make rent payment and dig yourself out of debt
this same person came back
broke into your house in the middle of the night
and STOLE YOUR FUCKING IPOD
I don’t even have an ipod and this pisses me off

but this harp isn’t about to stand for this shit
see as soon as Jack picks up the harp
it just starts screaming OY
OY
GIANT
WAKE THE FUCK UP
IT’S THAT LITTLE SHIT’S BEEN STEALING ALL YOUR STUFF
and the giant is like WHAAAAAAAT
and he starts chasing after jack
this is it
this is his moment
is jack finally going to have consequences for his actions?
NOPE
he makes it all the way to the beanstalk
and he slides down
and the giant starts climbing down after him like FEE FI FO FUM
WHY THE FUCK DIDN’T I CHECK THE HOUSE DIRECTLY AT THE BOTTOM OF THIS BEANSTALK
and jack gets to the bottom
and chops down the beanstalk
and the giant falls like several miles out of the sky
probably crushing a lot of the surrounding neighborhood
and jack and his mom live happily ever after

so the moral of the story is
if you have some magic beans
i don’t care how much you want a cow
hold onto those fucking beans
you can’t help but use them better than this jack asshole

THE END.

Gonna be a slight delay on new shirt orders gettin’ shipped
cause I gotta make em all
but I GUESS YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT AREN’T YOU

okay so poor people right

this story is brimming with poor people
if I had to make a pie chart of this story
it would be like
66% POOR PEOPLE
16.5% UNSPEAKABLE EVIL
16.5% DUCKS
no princes anywhere in sight
which doesn’t mean there aren’t any princes lurking around in the forest
there are probably like fifty or sixty of those dudes roaming around
offering people slippers and fucking chicks in the hair
but they are not what the story is about

no my friends
this story is about a poor woodcutter dude
and his poor woodcutter wife
and their poor woodcutter children
who are the only people in this whole goddamn story lucky enough to have names
they are called Hansel and Gretel
to clarify
Hansel is a boy
Gretel is a girl
they just have really asexual names is all

but yeah like i was saying
everyone is mega poor
they are pretty low on breads
and papa woodcutter gets kind of worried
he’s like oh no what happens when we run out of breads
and his wife
(who is the biggest twankbank within a hundred miles
which doesn’t seem that hard in the middle of a forest
until you consider that they live within walking distance of a FUCKING WITCH)
is like here let me pitch you this idea i had
how about
we take our kids into the woods
and we abandon them in the woods
and the husband is like what
no
and the wife is like look if I starve to death who is gonna give you blowjobs
and the husband is like INTO THE WOODS WITH YOU KIDS

but luckily for hansel and gretel
they both have hunger induced insomnia
i mean normally that is not a very lucky thing
but in this case it means that they already know what’s up
so Hansel is like don’t even trip sis i got this
and he runs outside in the middle of the night
and he stuffs a bunch of rocks in his pockets
and Gretel is like Hansel now is not the time for rock collecting you fucking nerd
and Hansel is like shhhh i have a plan

so the next day the mom puts on her bitch cape and starts yelling her kids to death
all like WE ARE GOING INTO THE WOODS TO CHOP WOODS
YOU GET SOME BREAD AND THEN WE ARE TOTALLY NOT GOING TO ABANDON YOU
but Hansel is too clever for her
as she and dad are leading them to their dooms
he keeps hanging back
because he is pretending to hallucinate his pet cat on the roof of their house
but really he is dropping pebbles to mark their way home
FUCKING BRILLIANT RIGHT?
so then the parents build a fire for their kids
and the kids take a nap
and the parents run off home to bone

okay here’s a question
how did the parents find their way home
and not expect their kids to find their way home too
could it be that the parents are also dropping pebbles?
are there just pebbles all the fuck everywhere?
who knows?
the point is then hansel and gretel wake up and follow hansel’s pebbles home
at which point the mom is like FUCK YOU KIDS WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN
and the dad is like oh man thank god you’re back i feel so bad
not bad enough to have not done it but still
pretty bad
and then Hansel and Gretel go to bed
and the mom is like YOU KNOW WHAT WE MUST DO
and the husband is like have more sex?
and mom is like NO WE HAVE TO ABANDON THEM AGAIN
and the husband is like fuck what is it with you and abandoning our kids
why don’t we just eat them how about that
kill two birds with one stone
but the birds are kids
and the wife is like HONEY THIS IS NOT THAT PART OF THE STORY YET
and the husband is like oh
ok
abandonment it is

but hansel and gretel are listening in AGAIN
and hansel is like haha what fucking idiots
i’ll just go out and get more rocks OH SHIT THE DOOR IS LOCKED
no no wait it’s cool i have a plan
it’s a really shitty plan but don’t worry it will totally work

so the next day the mom is like COME NOW CHILDREN
TOTALLY NOT GONNA ABANDON YOU AGAIN
and hansel and gretel are like yeah whatever
and the mom gives them a little bit of bread
presumably to strengthen the lie that they are just going on a family outing
and then Hansel proceeds to crumble the bread in his pocket
and try and do a repeat of last time
all hanging back pretending he sees his pet pigeon on the roof
HOW MANY PETS DOES THIS KID HAVE
AREN’T THEY LIKE FUCKING STARVING TO DEATH?
IT SEEMS TO ME LIKE BEFORE YOU ABANDONED YOUR FUCKING KIDS IN THE WOODS
YOU MIGHT PUT SOME THOUGHT INTO EATING THEIR PETS
but anyway yeah he drops bread crumbs
all the way from his house to the middle of the woods
and then their parents build a fire and they fall asleep and their parents run away
and then hansel wakes up and he’s like gretel
see i handled this
there’s totally a trail of breadcrumbs back home
OH WAIT
BIRDS ATE THEM
COME ON ASSHOLE
YOU ARE IN A FOREST FULL OF BIRDS
BREAD CRUMBS ARE EXACTLY WHAT YOU FEED TO FUCKING BIRDS
THAT’S LIKE TRYING TO MARK YOUR WAY OUT OF A BEAR CAVE
WITH A TRAIL OF STEAKS
actually that’s even worse because then the bear would follow you and eat you also
BUT ANYWAY
so they’re mega ultra fucked
wandering around the woods starving to death
totally unable to remember how to get home
proving that they are dumber than their parents and thus deserve to die
but then SUDDENLY
here comes a house made ENTIRELY OF CAKE
well not entirely
there are obviously parts that are not made of cake
like the parts that are made of CANDY
and so of course hansel and gretel start eating the candy house
even though who else would live in a candy house other than pedophiles
oh that’s right
witches
witches live in candy houses all the time
that’s practically all they ever do
seriously have these kids never read hansel and gretel?
but anyway then the witch comes out like OH HELLO BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN
COME EAT MORE FOOD INSIDE MY PEDOPHILE HOUSE
and they do
but then all of a sudden the witch slaps some handcuffs on hansel
all like WHABAM I LOVE EATING LITTLE BOYS
and then she locks him in a cage and makes gretel her slave
the end

no just kidding that’s not the end even though that would be sweet
basically the witch keeps feeding hansel trying to make him fat
but then when she comes by and asks him to stick out a finger to see how fat he is
he sticks out some chicken bone he found
and she is all ARE YOU ANOREXIC YOUNG MAN
EAT MORE FOOD
and this goes on for FOUR WEEKS
and that entire time gretel never manages to come up with a plan for killing her
until finally the witch is like fuck this
you are eating all my food and i am not getting to eat you or anything
it’s dinner time i don’t care how skinny you are
HEY GRETEL COME WARM UP THE OVEN FOR ME
so gretel turns on the oven and it gets super hot
like fire is coming out of it any everything
and the witch is like HEY GRETEL CLIMB INTO THE OVEN REAL QUICK AND SEE IF IT IS HOT
and Gretel is like seriously?
you are about to kill and eat my brother
you expect me to crawl into a stove that is clearly full of fire
now would be a good time to come up with some clever plan to kill you huh
so she racks her brain and then she’s like UH
WHAT IS OVEN?
and the witch is like you fucking idiot
here let me show you what i want you to do
and she goes ahead and CLIMBS INTO THE FUCKING OVEN HERSELF
at which point Gretel slams it behind her
and watches her burn like a goddamn psycopath
and then she’s like well that was easy
and she releases hansel
and then they loot the witch’s house
which is apparently chock full of PRICELESS PEARLS AND DIAMONDS
WHAT THE FUCK WAS SHE DOING OUT IN THE WOODS IN A CANDY HOUSE
SHE COULD HAVE JUST BOUGHT CHILDREN TO EAT
man these kids are lucky
they apparently ran into the STUPIDEST FUCKING WITCH ON EARTH

but so they load up their pockets with priceless treasures
and then they start heading home
because suddenly they know the way home
i guess four weeks of forcefeeding and slave labor jog your memory?
and eventually they come to a river they can’t cross
but they see a duck
and they’re no fools
they know how to talk to birds
so they’re like YO DUCK
I KNOW YOU’RE ALL COOL AND YOU DON’T GIVE A FUCK
BUT WE’RE TRY’NA GET HOME AND WE’RE A LITTLE BIT STUCK
WE JUST COOKED AN OLD WOMAN AND WE ATE HER LIVER
SO GET YOUR ASS UP AND SWIM ACROSS THIS RIVER
and the duck is like OHHHHH SNAPPPPPPP
and it carries them across the river
and then they get home
and their mom is dead because she’s a bitch and that’s what happens
and their dad is super happy to see them
because now he’s not gonna get blowjobs either way
and he’d rather have his kids and no blowjobs than no kids AND no blowjobs
and then they start chucking priceless treasures all over the house
like HOLY SHIT DAD WE’RE RICH
and they never have any problems ever again forever

so the moral of the story is
if your family is having financial troubles
you should definitely abandon your kids in the woods
because either they will die or they will return with unimaginable riches
win-win

THE END.

I AM OUT OF GREY SHIRTS GUYS
MAKING GREYISH BLUE ONES NOW BECAUSE I THINK THOSE ACTUALLY LOOK THE BEST
THE COLOR I AM REFERRING TO LOOKS LIKE THIS

THEN WHEN I RUN OUT OF THOSE I WILL PICK A NEW COLOR
I CALL THIS
THE CIRCLE OF LIFE

okay so anyway there’s this pregnant chick

she’s wearing maternity clothes and getting odd cravings and whatnot
pretty standard pregnant shit
but this is a fairy tale so she also lives next door to a witch
and also this witch has a MEGA SWEET GARDEN
seriously there is a wicked hurricaine of like beets and tomatoes
sitting around being lush as shit up in this garden
but the lushest shit of all
is this patch of lettuce
but it is not just any lettuce my friends
it is some kind of crazy superlettuce called RAPUNZEL
now i know what you’re thinking
you’re thinking HOLY SHIT
ISN’T RAPUNZEL THE NAME OF A CHICK IN SOME FAIRYTALE?
WHAT A COINCIDENCE
you need to calm down my friend
you’re embarrassing yourself

but anyway this pregnant chick is staring out her window into the witch’s garden
and she starts coveting the SHIT out of that rapunzel over there
she’s like OH MAN I WANT SOME OF THAT SO BAD
I COULD LIKE
MASH IT UP IN A TUB OF BEN AND JERRIES ICE CREAM
THROW SOME BREAD AND BUTTER PICKLES ON TOP OF THAT SHIT
BAM
FIVE STAR FUCKING CUISINE
i’m sorry if I seem like i am being really harsh on pregnant ladies
but the point I am TRYING to make
is that this particular pregnant lady is EXTREMELY UNREASONABLE
she is so extremely unreasonable
that when the rapunzel does not immediately teleport into her stomach
she decides that she is going to die
and so she just sits right down and starts dying
all sullen and shit
and then her husband walks in like WHOA STOP DYING AT ME WOMAN
and she’s all WAAAAH I WANT SOME SPECIAL LETTUCE OR I AM GOING TO SAD MYSELF TO DEATH
and the husband
who is as dumb as his wife is unreasonable
is like well I guess my only option here is to steal it from my neighbor
you know
THE FUCKING WITCH
not like there are lettuce stores or seeds I can plant or anything
no
this witch’s garden is the single source of rapunzel IN THE ENTIRE GODDAMN UNIVERSE

so the husband goes ahead and jumps the witch’s fence
grabs a handful of lettuce
and jumps out
and he brings it to his wife who has all her salad shit READY AND WAITING
and she eats that shit up
and he’s like awesome now I can go to sleep
but NOPE
NOPE
WIFE WANT MORE RAPUNZEL
so he goes out to steal some more vegetables
but WHAT DO YOU KNOW
i guess the witch installed an alarm system or something
because when the dude shows up to get the lettuce she is all NOPE
and he is like come on my wife is being so unreasonable help a brother out
and she’s like ok you can have as much lettuce as you want
BUT I GET YOUR FIRSTBORN CHILD
and the husband is like SWEET
FEWER RESPONSIBILITIES
and the deal is sealed
and then later the wife gives birth to a baby
and the witch teleports into the room
all like THIS BABY IS NAMED RAPUNZEL NOW
YOINK
just like merlin in that other story

so then the witch does the sensible thing
which is put baby rapunzel in a tower
with no doors or stairs or anything
just a window like 20 stories up
which rapunzel is supposed to let her MASSIVE HAIR down out of
every time the witch wants to come up
which sounds kind of painful/repulsive
and also begs the question
how did she get up there in the first place?
clearly the witch can’t fly
or she wouldn’t be wasting her time CLIMBING SOME FUCKING HAIR
did she just like throw her really hard when she was a baby
or use one of those barrels from donkey kong or what?
i mean can’t she teleport?
didn’t we establish that?
why is she wasting her time with all this hair all over the place
hair is just a glorified bundle of problems
silky smooth problems

anyway one day the prince is walking all over the woods
what prince, you ask?
the fucking prince ok
every fairytale has one
if he is not mentioned directly then he is probably crouched in the bushes somewhere
bein’ princely
but yeah he’s princing around when he hears rapunzel singing some sweet tunes
and he is like OH MAN I LOVE SINGING
WHERE IS THE SOURCE OF THIS NOISE I WANT TO PUT MY DICK IN IT
and he finds this tower and he’s like aw fuck how am i supposed to get up there
if only there was one of those barrels from donkey kong
but then he hides behind a tree and the witch shows up
all like RAPUNZEL RAPUNZEL LET DOWN YOUR BRAIDS
OR I WILL GIVE YOU DOUBLE-AIDS
and she climbs up and probably molests her stepdaughter a bit
and then leaves
and the prince is like ohhhhhh
so he runs up to the tower like
RAPUNZEL RAPUNZEL LET DOWN YOUR HAIR
I MUST ESCAPE AN ANGRY BEAR
and it’s like BOOM
AND SOME HAIR COMES OUT
and the prince climbs it all nimble and shit
and he gets up to the top and he’s like well hey
and Rapunzel is like what’s that
and the prince is like oh that’s my dong
and Rapunzel is like what’s it for
and the Prince is like it’s for sexing
and Rapunzel is like oh
uh
and the prince is like I CLIMBED YOUR HAIR WITH MY DICK IN MY HANDS
DON’T MAKE ME LEAVE HERE WITH A FOOT IN YOUR ASS
so they have sex and it’s great
and then the prince is like man
i would like to have this sex on a regular basis
how about we climb down your hair and you come back to my place
and rapunzel is like you are forgetting something
you are forgetting that the hair is attached to my head
how the fuck am i supposed to climb down
and the prince is like oh uh
i’ll bring you a ladder?

so the prince leaves
and the next day the witch shows up
all like RAPUNZEL RAPUNZEL LET DOWN YOUR DREADS
OR I’LL GRIND YOUR BONES TO MAKE MY BREAD
OH SHIT WRONG STORY
but she gets up to the top and Rapunzel is like hey so
how come it takes so much longer to haul you up
than it takes to haul up my secret lover who you’re not supposed to know about
and the witch is like WHAAAAAAAAT
THAT’S IT
CUTTING OFF ALL YOUR HAIR
TELEPORTING YOU TO THE DESERT
FUCK THIS FUCK EVERYTHING
and then she ties the hair to the windowsill and waits for the prince to show up
WAIT
WHY DIDN’T RAPUNZEL DO THAT
SHE TOTALLY COULD HAVE CLIMBED DOWN HER OWN HAIR
but i guess spending your whole life inside a tower
does not make you great at problem solving

anyway then the prince shows up with a ladder
he sees the hair already waiting for him
and he climbs up
only to have the witch jump out like SURPRISE ASSHOLE
and he’s all like FUCK THIS I’M NOT GOING BACK TO JAIL
and he jumps out of the window and happens to land in some brambles
it’s okay though because he manages to break his fall
WITH HIS EYEBALLS
and then he goes blind obviously
so he just starts wandering all over the place
bumping into trees CONSTANTLY
rocky and bullwinkle did a pretty good version of this actually

but so eventually the prince somehow manages to get to the desert where rapunzel is
i guess because he wants sex SO BAD that he learns SONAR
and he meets up with Rapunzel
who is now raising their two love children
and she sees him all blind and shit and she runs over and cries on him SO HARD
that the tears get in his eyes and unblind him
and then he takes her back to his kingdom and they live happily ever after i guess

so the moral of the story
is fuck laughter
misery is the best medicine

THE END.

Oh hey guys
you bought a bunch of norse crisis flowchart shirts recently
(thanks by the way)
so i’m almost out of grey ones
in fact I am out of grey ones in most sizes
bout to do a new run
this time in weird flecky blue
because this short asian chick showed up at a concert in my dreams and told me to
I AM RUNNING THIS WEBSITE AND I WILL RUN IT THE WAY I WANT

Okay so Cinderella right?

WRONG

ain’t no cinderella assholes
bitch is called Ashputtle and that is the way things are
I can understand the confusion though
both names start with a synonym for charcoal
and end with some babyshit nonsense
but I think ashputtle does a better job
of capturing the abject misery of this chick’s life
so we’re sticking with that

okay so Ashputtle
she has got to have the shittiest dad in the history of both dads and shit
and there is a long and storied history of both of these things
her mom is pretty rad though
but OOPS GUESS WHAT
in the first paragraph of this story HER MOM GETS SICK AND DIES
she’s all lying on her deathbed like honey i will watch over you from heaven
ain’t nothing bad gonna happen to you shhhhh
and then she dies

here’s the thing though
MOMS LIE
no sooner is her leprotic corpse in the ground
then the dad starts banging this new twank with a couple of shitty people for kids
these shitty people are also hot chicks so it kind of balances out
but not for Ashputtle who basically gets shat on by the whole family from then on
actually that is when she gets the name ashputtle
everyone is like HEY ASHPUTTLE
WHY DON’T YOU GO PUTTLE AROUND IN SOME ASHES
ALSO:
WASH OUR DISHES
GET OUR WATER
COOK OUR FOOD
OH YOU’RE DONE WITH YOUR WORK?
NO YOU’RE NOT TAINTFUFFLE
PICK THESE LENTILS OUT OF THE ASHES
HIYAAAAAAA
I’m pretty sure the dad has just entirely forgotten he has a biological daughter
because here is the thing about biological daughters
you feel kind of gross when you try to sleep with them
whereas he has two guilt free hot chick pseudodaughters
as a result of this new marriage
think about it from his perspective
THREE SMOKIN’ VAGINAS FOR THE PRICE OF ONE
AND THE PRICE IS REAL LOW
BECAUSE LOVE IS FREE
wait what am i saying love is not involved in this at all nor is it free
this guy is a really awful person is what i’m trying to say
oh yeah also ashputtle doesn’t get a bed she just sleeps in ashes
in order to be inkeeping with her whole theme i guess

so anyway one day the dad goes out to town
and he’s like hey hot daughters do you want gifts
and they are like PRETTY DRESSES AND BOYS
and then he’s like hey ashputtle what do you want
and asputtle is like uh
just give me the first branch that knocks your hat off on the way home
not like you’d spend more than zero dollars on me anyway
and the dad is like tru dat

so he comes home with pretty dresses for his hot daughters
and a broken stick for his real daughter
and ashputtle takes the stick and immediately plants it by her mom’s grave
and it grows into a tree because she cries on it so much
i think it’s a laurel tree?
if it isn’t i am officially editing the story to say it is
anyway some doves come and live in that tree and they grant her wishes apparently

but so one day there is this bigass party at the king’s house
cause his son is trying to find some trick to bang
and the hotdaughters are like HEY HEY HEY LET’S GO
and ashputtle is like can I come
and the stepmother is like NAW GIRL YOU UGLY
and ashputtle is like PLEEEEEEEEEEASE
and the stepmother is like fine
but only if you can pick this entire pot full of lentils out of the ashes
in TWO HOURS
BWAHAHAHAHAHA
so ashputtle sits down for some serious beancounting
but then she has an idea
she’s like OY
ANIMAL PALS
GET IN HERE AND HELP ME WITH THIS SHIT
so her two birdpals bust in
and they bring along all of THEIR birdpals
and in like an hour all the lentils are well and truly sorted
so she goes back to her stepmom like ok I did it
can i go to the dance
and her stepmom is like what?
no
you’re still ugly
probably even uglier now actually
tell you what
if you can pick TWO pots of lentils out of the ashes in ONE hour
you can go
WHABAM

so Ashputtle summons her animal pals ONCE AGAIN
and they can understand english for some reason still
and they sort all this shit QUADRUPLE TIME
so that it all gets finished in LESS THAN HALF AN HOUR
and she goes back to her stepmother like eh?
eh?
and the stepmother is like NOPE STILL UGLY
HAHAHAHA ULTIMATE PRANK
and then she high fives her evil daughters and they go to the dance

so meanwhile ashputtle goes to her sadness tree on her mom’s grave
and she’s all like hey birds
I know you are probably tired from picking up lentils all day
but if I bust a sweet rhyme for you will you get me a dress?
and the birds are like BOOM PSH BOOM BOOM PSH
and ashputtle is like yo
I need sweet duds for to cover my breasts
so would you birds please go out and get me a dress
and the birds are like YESSSSSS
and they go and they come back with the pimp daddy of all ball gowns
and ashputtle puts it on and probably washes her face or some shit
and OFF SHE GOES TO THE PARTY

okay so plot twist
turns out ashputtle was hot all along
she just needed a shower
she shows up to this dancey party and the prince is all SPROING
OH MAN GOTTA STOP MAKING SOUND EFFECTS FOR MY PENIS IT IS A BAD HABIT
ANYWAY GURL LEMME DANCE UP ON YOU N SHIT
so they dance ALL NIGHT
and every time some other dude tries to cut in
the prince is like BITCH GET AWAY SHE’S MINE
but then at the end of the night ashputtle is all tired
so her intelligent solution is to just run the fuck away
and hide inside a dovecote
what a dovecote is I don’t know
but I am assuming it is a bigass box made out of doves
(thank you in advance for correcting me in the comments)
that’s right guys
there’s no midnight stipulation
there’s no pumpkin carriage or any of that nonsense
Disney invented all of that shit
to justify a totally stacked broad RUNNING AWAY FROM A DUDE WHO SHE IS MEGA INTO
BECAUSE HOW ELSE DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT
OH SHE DOESN’T WANT HIM TO KNOW SHE’S ACTUALLY HER SISTERS’ BITCH
BIG DEAL YOU’RE ABOUT TO BE QUEEN CHILL THE FUCK OUT
but so she runs away
and the prince is like WHERE DID SHE GO
OY
DUDE OVER THERE
(he happens to be talking to Ashputtle’s dad by some weird coincidence)
COME BUST OPEN THAT BOX OF DOVES FOR ME
USE AN AXE IF YOU HAVE TO
so they bust it open
BUT ASHPUTTLE IS NOT THERE
SHE SNUCK OUT THE BACK BECAUSE APPARENTLY THESE THINGS HAVE BACKS
and when they get home she is already at home
changed back into her old dress
sleeping in the ashes like usual

oh but so apparently this party is a three day thing
so the next day they leave ashputtle home alone again
and they go to the party
now let me tell you what I would have done in this situation
I would have immediately set the house on fire
then put on my sweet dress and gone to the party
fucked the shit out of the prince and not had any problems ever again
and that’s exactly what ashputtle does
minus the fire or the boning
she just goes back to her mom’s grave and she’s like BIRDS
A BEAT IF YOU PLEASE
and the birds are like BOOTS CATS BOOTS CATS BOOTS CATS BOOTS CATS
and she’s like yo
I didn’t know this party was a multi-day thing
so could you please hook me up with some wearable bling
and the birds are like OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
and they leave and they come back with THE ILLINEST DRESS
which ashputtle puts on and then quickly runs to the party

so this party is basically a shot for shot remake of yesterday’s party
except instead of hiding in the ruined dovecote
Ashputtle runs and hides in a mega sweet pear tree
and the prince is like HEY RANDOM DUDE
CHOP THIS TREE DOWN
WITH AXES IF NECESSARY
jeeze dude chill out
but so they chop down the tree but ashputtle IS NOT THERE
she climbed the tree over the palace walls and ran home
and when everyone else gets back she is changed back into her shitty grey gown
sleeping in ashes as per usual

SO THE NEXT DAY IS PARTY 3: THE PARTENING
and it goes much the same way as parties 1 and 2
the stepsisters go out
the birds are like BOW WAP BOW wikiwiki
and Ashputtle’s like GET ME A DRESS FROM PHARAOH’S TOMB
THAT’LL SUCK THE PRINCE’S DICK FROM ACROSS THE ROOM
and the birds are like AWWWWWWW SHIIIIIIIIIT
and they come back with a dress that is like if you stapled dresses 1 and 2 together
then shot them with a sex gun
dipped them in goldbatter
and then had someone make a really sweet dress because those dresses are ruined now
and then she goes to the party
and she dances with the prince and then runs away
but the prince is too clever for her this time
see he coated all the steps in the palace with TAR
DUDE THAT IS A LAWSUIT WAITING TO HAPPEN
but all that actually happens is Ashputtle has to leave 1 of her shoes behind
and the prince finds it and he’s like aww yiss
this will make finding her SOOOO EASY
not like i’d recognize her face or anything
because I was busy staring at her tits for the past three nights
OBVIOUSLY

so the next day the prince goes romping all over town
trying to find a chick whose foot fits in this shoe
and for some reason the VERY FIRST PLACE HE GOES is ashputtle’s house
i guess cause he hears that is where hot chicks are at
but anyway he goes in and he’s like i’ve got this slipper does it fit anyone
and the older stepsister is all let me try
so she takes it into the back room
and her foot is totally too big
so her mom is like dude
dude
cut off your toe
totally worth it
and the daughter is like i dunno
and her mom is like DO IT OR I’LL FUCKING CUT YOU
so she cuts off her toe and stuffs her foot in the shoe
hobbling out trying to ignore the pain
and the prince is like WOO GOT IT ON MY FIRST TRY
LET’S GO HONEY
and they drive away in his carriage
but on the way they pass that laurel tree from earlier
and the birds are sitting in like YO
HER FOOT’S TOO BIG AND HER FOOT’S TOO WIDE
UNLESS YOU WANT A SASQUATCH TO BE YOUR BRIDE
and the prince looks down and blood is literally SPURTING OUT OF THE SHOE
and he’s like WHOA WHOA WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
WE’RE GOING BACK TO YOUR HOUSE AND I AM GETTING A DIFFERENT WIFE WITH CLEAN FEET

so he goes back to the house
and he’s like got any more daughters
and the mom is like YUP
and so she takes the shoe into the back room with her other daughter
and HER foot doesn’t fit
so the mom is like ok honey i’ve got a clever plan
he noticed when your sister cut off her toe so here’s what we’re gonna do
we’re gonna cut off your HEEL
NO ONE WILL BE THE WISER
and the daughter grits her teeth and does it
and stumbles outside dizzy from blood loss
and the prince is like WOO ALRIGHT LET’S GO LET’S DO THIS
and they ride away in the carriage
but they pass the birds again and the birds are like YO YO YO
THE BITCH BE LYIN’ CAN’T YOU SEE
HER FOOT’S OUT OF PLACE LIKE A DICK IN A TREE
i am imagining these birds as the beastie boys by the way
anyway then the prince looks down and blood is spurting ALL THE WAY UP THIS CHICK’S LEG
and the prince is like HOLY SHIT HOW DID I NOT NOTICE THIS
GOD DAMMIT DRIVER TURN AROUND
MORE BULLSHIT IS HAPPENING

so they get back to ashputtle’s house and he’s like yo
quit fucking around
do you have any more daughters
and the stepmother is like nope
just some ugly strumpet who sleeps in ashes and we beat her with brooms
and the prince is like SEND HER IN
so ashputtle comes out
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
THE SHOE FITS HER PERFECTLY
EVEN THOUGH IT WAS STOLEN FOR HER BY SOME FUCKING BIRDS
THESE BIRDS HAVE AN EYE FOR FASHION LET ME TELL YOU
so then the prince is like alright is your foot bleeding or anything
no?
good
LET’S GO
and they drive by the laurel tree and the birds are all
IT’S BEEN A LONG STORY AND WE’RE SICK OF WAITING
GET BACK TO THE CRIB AND START SEXCAPADING
and that is exactly what they do
but only after a longass wedding
which the stepsisters show up to
only to have their eyes pecked out by those fucking magic doves
and everyone lives happily ever after

so the moral of the story is
if birds are not doing your bidding
it is because your flow is not sick enough

THE END.

Alright it’s decided

I am officially on a fairytales kick right now
that is what I am doing
I’m gonna dig into my Grimm books some time in the next few days
but i figured I’d start out with a pretty perfect story
it is perfect because it involves breaking and entering
little kids getting murdered
and best of all
BEARS

that’s right
it’s motherfucking GOLDILOCKS time up in this bitch

alright so Goldilocks right
she’s got to have one of the stupidest names of all time
what the fuck was wrong with parents in fairytale times
it’s like they just named their kids after the first fucking thing they saw
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
SNOW WHITE
COWSHIT DOUGLAS
okay that last one wasn’t real
but anyway Goldilocks is running through the forest
trying to escape her shitty name
when all of a sudden BOOM
here’s a bear’s house come looming out of nowhere

now when the fairytale says bear house
we all know that what they really mean is DARK-ASS CAVE
bears do not live in houses
not even these bears
i mean these are pretty remarkable bears but living in a house?
fuck that
grow some thumbs assholes
then maybe you can take out a goddamn mortgage

but anyway
Goldilocks rolls up on this sweet bearhouse
prolly with a sign out front that says BEAR HOUSE
or maybe just some dead bodies
and she’s like this looks like a job for
BURGLARY
so she busts out a window and she jumps inside
and starts running around putting things in her mouth
seriously
the first thing she does is she sees some porridge on the table
PORRIDGE
fucking WARM-ASS BREAKFAST CEREAL
left untouched on the table
clearly a trap left by the bears
so they will have something to get furious about
when they come home and someone has eaten it
what other explanation is there
you are bears and you build a house
you build tables and chairs
you make porridge
THEN YOU LEAVE TO GO GET SOME REAL FUCKING BEAR FOOD
SALMON AND BEES AND SHIT
THAT IS WHAT YOU DO WHEN YOU ARE A MAGIC BEAR
TRUST ME I KNOW ALL ABOUT THIS SHIT

anyway there are three bowls of porridge
and she burns the shit out of her mouth on one of them
and then another one is too cold
and the third one is great
so not only is she a thief but she’s a picky bitch
anyway then she’s all bloated so she has to go sit down
so she finds some chairs
and she’s like THIS CHAIR IS TOO HARD
THIS CHAIR IS TOO SOFT
I’M GONNA DO A CANNONBALL INTO THE THIRD CHAIR AND BREAK IT BECAUSE FUCK THIS
and then she’s tired from ruining all this property so it’s naptime

now a normal person would go back home for naptime
but Goldilocks is not a normal person
she’s a fucking sociopath
she’s one of those people who breaks into your house when it’s getting fumigated
and just hangs out eating your sandwiches until she dies from the poisonous gas
you come home from vacation all sunburned
and here is this twitching eight ear old girl on your couch
cartoon network is still playing on your television
sandwiches all stuffed into her gaping maw

ANYWAY
Goldilocks goes upstairs and starts sitting on beds
OHHH THIS ONE IS TOO HARD
THIS ONE SUCKS TOO MUCH
THIS ONE OVER HERE IS GREAT
and she passes the fuck out
AND THIS IS WHEN THE BEARS CHOOSE TO ARRIVE
you stand there and try to tell me they didn’t plan this
three bears show up at this house and they make a big show of going over the carnage
oh man she ate all our nutritious porridge
oh man she fucked up all our chairs
GOOD THING WE DON’T EAT PORRIDGE OR SIT IN CHAIRS
hm i wonder if when we go upstairs we will find someone sleeping in one of our beds
HMMMMM
oh by the way I guess I should mention
that the bear who gets fucked over the most
the one whose porridge gets 100% consumed
and whose chair gets broken
and whose bed Goldilocks is at this very moment sleeping in
is the BABY BEAR
yeah
Goldilocks has actually TAKEN FOOD FROM A BABY
MASTER CRIMINAL OF THE FUCKING CENTURY RIGHT HERE
but anyway yeah they go upstairs
and they make a show of checking all the beds
and WHAT’S THIS
HERE’S GOLDILOCKS SLEEPING IN THE BABY BEAR’S BED
and she wakes up and there are bears all the fuck everywhere
like BITCH
DIDN’T YOU SEE THAT MOVIE WITH THE GUY IN THE MOUNTAINS
WHERE HE GETS EATEN BY BEARS AND SHIT
I THINK IT WAS CALLED CITIZEN KANE OR SOMETHING?
and Goldilocks is like ROOOOOOOSEEEBUUDDDDDDDD

now this is where tellings of this tale tend to diverge
you see some people say Goldilocks jumped out of her bed and fucking ran for her life
actually when i say some people I mean everybody
everybody says that
but everybody is WRONG
you wake up in the body of an eight-year-old surrounded by bears
and YOU try and make a daring escape
fuck no
bitch gets eaten
as well she should
and the bears live happily ever after
having reset their cunning human trap

so the moral of the story is
taking candy from a baby is easy
i do it all the time
but taking porridge from a bear baby?
TOTALLY FUCKING DIFFERENT

THE END.