Don Quixote is like the Napoleon of Doing Stupid Shit (part 2)

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Alright so

when last we left our heroes
you know what fuck that
no one in this story is a hero
you could not be less heroic if your job was throwing hammers at orphans
basically Don Quixote was being a dumbass and Sancho Panza was helping
and it occurred to me last night that if I spend an exhaustive amount of time
talking about every stupid thing Don Quixote does
we will be here INDEFINITELY
so here is a stupid shit rundown
courtesy of my FISTS
because that is what i have decided to type with today

so Sancho wakes up
and Don Quixote is like QUICK HELP ME BEAT UP THESE MONKS
and Sancho is like why
and Don Quixote is like WHATEVER I’M CRAZY GET USED TO IT
and Sancho is like welp i guess i better steal everyone’s clothes
and then a dude ruins Don Quixote’s ear but whatever he doesn’t need those
not like he ever listens to ANYONE
then he beats the shit out of more innocent dudes
and sancho is like island plz?
and Don Quixote is like NOT QUITE
and sancho is like fuck what about the po po
i am not going back to jail
and Don Quixote is like DUDE I’M A FUCKING KNIGHT
I’M SO FULL OF RIGHTEOUS JUSTICE
IF A COP TRIED TO ARREST ME
TEN COPS WOULD ARREST HIM
AND THEN SET HIS FAMILY ON FIRE

so then they sleep outside some more
and then meet some goatherds
and sancho gets trashed
and then some dude shows up like LOL MY FRIEND DIED FROM GETTING REJECTED TOO HARD
LETS ALL GO TO HIS FUNERAL AND CALL THE CHICK WHO REJECTED HIM A HUGE BITCH
and Don Quixote is like THIS SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR CHIVALRY
but then when they show up
it turns out that the dead guy was just a total pussy
and the chick who rejected him is pretty chill
it’s not her fault she has huge tits
that all the dudes wanna motorboat SO BAD IT KILLS THEM

so that chick leaves after telling everybody off
and Don Quixote follows her
to see if her or her tits need any help
but then instead his shitty horse ends up trying to fuck some other horses
and the dudes who own the horses are like man what the hell is this
is some kind of moldy skeleton trying to do the hokey pokey on our legitimate living horses
get this thing away from here
and Don Quixote is like DID SOMEBODY SAY TIME FOR VIOLENCE?
but it turns out no one said that
and furthermore that Don Quixote is really shitty at violence
so he and sancho get their everythings broken
and lie on the ground for a while
and eventually decide they should probably find an inn
or as Don Quixote calls it
A CASTLE?!

but shit is fucked up
because Don Quixote thinks the inkeeper’s daughter wants to bang him
but really it is the daughter’s hunchbacked maid
but actually that chick just wants to bang some other dude
who is staying in the same ROOM as Don Quixote
and that dude gets upset
and then the chick hides in sancho’s bed
so then the dude attacks Sancho
and the inkeeper is like WHAT WHAT WHAT
and VIOLENCE ENSUES
and a POLICE OFFICER APPEARS
and then Don Quixote is like hey tinydick asshole how about i RUIN YOUR SPINE
AND SUDDENLY IT IS DOUBLE VIOLENCE JACKPOT

but it’s okay
because then Don Quixote refuses to pay for his stay in the inn
wait that doesn’t make it ok
that makes Sancho get tossed in a blanket by the inkeeper and his dudes
although actually that sounds like a lot of fun
but that doesn’t stop Sancho from bitching about it FOR THE REST OF THE BOOK

but the fun doesn’t stop there
because suddenly
Don Quixote sees more things
and Don Quixote’s default response to seeing things is to ATTACK THOSE THINGS
the things in question happen to be some sheeps
he thinks they are knights i guess
and so he murders like 7 of them
before the shepherds knock out his teeth with rocks
and then he’s like hold on Sancho
let me make a potion for us out of some trash and dirt i found
and then they drink it
and Sancho vomits
and he’s like hey Don Quixote lemme see how many teeth you lostOH GOD YOU VOMITED IN MY EYES

so quick recap:
after about 3 or 4 days on the road
these dudes have managed to get robbed
(oh yeah i forgot to say they got robbed)
severely beaten
and covered in vomit
THERE IS SO MUCH SUCCESS IT IS GIVING ME SCABIES JUST THINKING ABOUT IT

so then Don Quixote is maybe i should cut back on the violence
so the next time he runs into some innocent priests
he basically just brutally injures ONE of them
instead of all of them
and then sancho robs them
and then they go pass out in a valley

BUT BEFORE THEY PASS OUT
Sancho tells the SHITTIEST STORY POSSIBLE
it is about a shepherd or something
and Don Quixote keeps interrupting him
and then in the story the shepherd has to take all these sheep in a boat
and Sancho is like MAKE SURE YOU COUNT ALL THE SHEEP DON QUIXOTE
and Don Quixote is like fuck dude i don’t give a shit about the sheep
just tell the end of the story
and Sancho is like HOW MANY SHEEP ARE THERE MOTHERFUCKER
and Don Quixote is like I really have no idea
and Sancho is like WELP GUESS IM NEVER GONNA FINISH MY STORY THEN
THE END

wait wait not the end
Don Quixote has not exhausted his stupid meter yet
in fact by the time we get to the end of this travesty
Don Quixote will have maxed his stupid bar so hard
he will be able to do some kind of stupidity limit break
where he flies like sixty feet in the air
and then does a flip
and then takes a dump in his helmet or something

speaking of helmets the next thing Don Quixote does is steal one from a poor person
except it isn’t a helmet it’s just a bowl
but Don Quixote turns it into a helmet through the power of HALLUCINATIONS
and then uses some leftover hallucinations
to convince himself to release a whole bunch of CONVICTED FELONS ON A CHAINGANG
and those dudes beat the shit out of him and Sancho
and then rob them
although honestly i don’t know what they have left to steal
these dudes have been beaten and robbed so much already
and anyway the rest of their possessions are covered in vomit

but regardless Sancho starts freaking out
because you know
they’re CRIMINALS now
and he’s like FUCK LET’S FLEE TO THE MOUNTAINS
so they do
and what do they see but SOME CRAZY ASSHOLE LEAPING THROUGH THE WOODS BUTT NAKED
cause he didn’t get to bang some chick he liked
cause his shitty friend stole her
and Don Quixote is like aw hell no
is someone trying to out-crazy me?
I AM NOW ALSO NAKED AND LEAPING THROUGH THE FOREST
ALSO BEATING MY FACE AGAINST TREES
TAKE THAT
PS sancho take a letter to my fair Dulcinea
tell her i’m crazy now
and Sancho is like fuckkkk that’s going to take forever

but luckily on his way to complete this shitty mission
Sancho runs into Don Quixote’s old friends the priest and the barber
and he’s like DUDES
I NEED YOUR HELP
DON QUIXOTE IS TOTALLY FUCKING BALLSACK SHITHOUSE NUTBASKETS
and the priest and the barber are like oh shit
stop the presses
and sancho is like seriously dudes
his crazy is starting to impinge on my good times
and they are like ok fine
one of us will dress up as a damsel
and be like hey Don Quixote come save us
and then we will lead him home ok?

SO THIS IS WHAT THEY PROCEED TO DO
but then when they get to the mountains
they run into some chick named Dorothea
who is all butthurt cause she got abandoned
by the same dude who stole crazy mcnakedpants’ sex target
WHAT AN ODD COINCIDENCE
and the priest or the barber or whatever
is like shit girl
you are an actual woman
whereas i am only dressed as a woman
here
put on this dress
let’s go fool an idiot
so they do that
and Dorothea isn’t very good at it
but it’s okay because Don Quixote is even less good at BEING IN TOUCH WITH REALITY
so he agrees to follow them back to town
and so does nakedpants
who i guess i should start calling Cardenio now cause he just put on some pants
and they weren’t even nakedpants or anything
he decides to come along cause Dorothea tells him that the chick the other dude stole
still has total ladyboners for him

SO THEY ALL CLIMB OUT OF THE MOUNTAINS TOGETHER
and where do they end up?
THE SAME FUCKING INN DON QUIXOTE WAS AT BEFORE
Spain just does not have any other inns
pretty sure
and the Inkeeper is like aw fuck
it’s that crazy guy again
maybe we should burn all our books about knights
wait no that’s a stupid plan that will never work
in fact how about instead we READ SOME OF THEM OUT LOUD

so the priest reads a story about these dudes Anselmo and Lothario
it is basically about how Anselmo goes to Lothario and is like dude
make my wife cheat on me with you
and Lothario is like naw
and Anselmo is like come on
and Lothario is like shit well ok
and then bones the dudes’ wife and they run away together
and the moral of the story is maybe don’t hire your best friend to fuck your wife?

ANYWAY BACK TO THE REAL STORY
DON QUIXOTE IS BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF SOME WINESKINS
dammit i wish we hadn’t gone back to the real story
i guess he thinks the wineskins are giants
but then again
he thinks EVERYTHING is giants
so that’s unsurprising
BUT SOMETHING ELSE HAPPENS THAT IS SURPRISING:
THE DUDE WHO STOLE CARDENIO’S WOMAN SHOWS UP
ALONG WITH THE WOMAN HE STOLE
SUDDENLY EVERYONE IS REUNITED AND IT IS GREAT
THEY ARE ALL TOTALLY GOING TO GET MARRIED TO THE RIGHT PEOPLE NOW
THANK YOU DON QUIXOTE FOR BRINGING US ALL TOGETHER
WITH YOUR STUPID SWORD AND YOUR STUPIDER IDEAS ABOUT HOW TO USE YOUR STUPID SWORD

but that is not the end of the ridiculous stream of people who show up here
because while Don Quixote is busy claiming the inn is enchanted
and yelling about how great it is to be a knight
a dude and a chick show up from MOORELAND
I MEAN ALGIERS SORRY
yea basically the dude wants to get the chick baptized and then marry her
cause he was in prison and she dropped some money on his head
BUT THAT IS NOT ALL MY FRIENDS
BECAUSE HERE COMES THE ALGERIAN DUDE’S LONG LOST BROTHER WHO IS A JUDGE
ALSO HIS SUPER HOT DAUGHTER CLARA
seriously
are there no other inns in spain?
anyway then it turns out some asshole has been following Clara around
singing love songs through her window like a total stalker
so she decides to get married to him
and WHOA LOOK AT THAT 4X MARRIAGE COMBO
3 MILLION POINT STUPID MODIFIER
LEVEL UP
so yeah then there’s some more violence
i don’t even fucking remember why at this point
and then the cops show up
and they’re like holy shit there’s that dude who released all those felons
GET HIM
and everyone is like dudes
chill out
look at this guy
he is covered in vomit standing on his shitty horse
yelling about how the pan he is wearing on his head is the legendary MAMBRINO’S HELMET
you do not want a guy like this shitting up your nice prison
he pleads insanity ok?
so the cops are like fine
and leave
and then the barber and the priest knock out Don Quixote
and put him in a cage
and drag him back home
and the whole time Don Quixote is totally convinced he is enchanted
which is his default assumption about anything and everything
and they eventually get him back home
and the stays there for a while
until he busts out again for another MONUMENTAL CAVALCADE OF BULLSHIT
but that shit is in book two
which i will do AT A LATER DATE

so the moral of the story
is if you have lost your true love
and you are thinking about going crazy/killing yourself
chill the fuck out for a second
and just try and locate a violently delusional psychopath covered in kitchenware
your true love will not be far away

THE END.

Don Quixote Stupids His Way To Success (Part 1)

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Alright so first of all
I want to thank invincible sex god Brett Mansaw
for paying me money to tell one of my favorite stories ever
second of all
I want to actually tell the story

Jesus christ Don Quixote

first off I guess I should tell you
that the dude who is widely credited with writing this story
is a huge buttface liar
who pretends he just FOUND this shit lying around somewhere
and is basically just faithfully copying it down
BULLSHIT
ANCIENT SCRIBES DID NOT CHRONICLE NEARLY THIS MUCH VOMIT AND DUMB
i mean actually they did
but still
I call bullshit

but anyway this is a story about the craziest motherfucker in the galaxy
his name is Don Quixote like I said
and his MO is to ride into situations on a shitty horse
and just injure as many people as he can before someone knocks his teeth out
HERE IS HOW HE GETS STARTED WITH THE DOING THAT:

basically he’s just this really rich dude
with nothing to do
and a huge library full of stories like these
so pretty quick his mind just does a shithouse swandive into the crazy dumpster
and he wakes up one day like OH SHIT I’M A KNIGHT ERRANT
WHY AM I ONLY REALIZING THIS NOW?
so he gets on a worthless fucking horse
named Rocinante
and he puts on some armor that has been in his family for generations
back when there were people in his family who could be trusted with sharp things
and he makes a new visor for his helmet out of like plywood
and OFF HE GOES

so the first thing he does
is he shows up at some inn
and he sees a couple of whores
and he is like oh look
what a lovely pair of princesses
hey princesses what is up
and they’re like oh shit looks like someone crashed the crazybus into the idiot boat
oh well it’s not every day a dude DOESN’T try and co-opt us for a loveless threesome
let’s feed him dinner
and then during dinner Don Quixote is like OH FUCK
I FORGOT TO GET KNIGHTED
and he runs over to the inkeeper like FUCKING KNIGHT ME ASSHOLE
and the inkeeper is like uh
you got any money?
and Don Quixote is like NOPE
and the inkeeper is like fuck dude
try having some fucking money sometimes
and Don Quixote is like CAN’T
TOO BUSY BEATING THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR CUSTOMERS
IN THE NAME OF THIS PEASANT CHICK I KIND OF HALF MADE UP

oh yeah
i forgot to tell you
right at the outset Don Quixote decides he has to have some dame to worship
and to send all his defeated enemies to and whatnot
so he picks a farmer chick he had a crush on like way back in the day
and he changes her name to Dulcinea
not sure what her name was originally
probably something like Dumple or Frank
but NO TIME FOR ANY MORE EXPOSITION DON QUIXOTE IS FIGHTING NOW

so the inkeeper gets so freaked by the violence
that he is like whoa whoa dude
come over here stop murdering let me knight you right quick
it requires an elaborate ritual that involves you not killing my customers
ok now get the fuck out of here
and Don Quixote gets the fuck out of there

and he starts going home to try and get some money and shit
and on the way he sees some kid getting whipped by some dude
who is his boss
and is like hey dude stop beating that kid
and the boss is like I SWEAR I WILL STOP ON MY HONOR AS A KNIGHT
and Don Quixote is like sounds good
but JOKE’S ON HIM
THAT DUDE WASN’T A KNIGHT
actually joke’s on the kid
he gets whipped hardcore

then Don Quixote tries to attack some merchants for basically no reason
falls off his horse
gets the shit kicked out of him
and one of his servants finds him a few days later and brings him home
RESOUNDING SUCCESS

so now Don Quixote is back home
passed the fuck out in his room
meanwhile his friends the barber and the priest show up
and start raiding his library
with the help of his niece
who just wants to burn everything
and actually everyone kind of wants to burn at least SOME books
to prevent Don Quixote from executing a 2x lunacy combo
except the priest is kind of a huge nerd
so he keeps seeing books and being like OOP GOTTA KEEP THIS
but eventually they settle on a huge pile of books to burn
and then they wall up the entrance to the library
and then when Don Quixote wakes up they are like OH FUCK A SORCERER DID IT

GUYS
IF YOU ARE TRYING TO KEEP HIM FROM RUNNING AROUND PRETENDING TO BE A KNIGHT
DON’T TELL HIM A WIZARD KILLED HIS BOOKS
HE IS PROBABLY GOING TO GO LOOKING FOR THE WIZARD
and yes
predictably that is exactly what the man does

except this time he is not content to just go alone
no
he needs someone to pick him up when he inevitably faceplants in the dirt
so he gets this poor farmer dude Sancho Panza
who is pretty much just a bulging sack of greed
held together with a little bit of cunning and a WHOLE LOT OF STUPID
and he is like hey Sancho
howsabout you leave your wife to come have crazytime with me
and eventually I will hook you up with a sweet island
and Sancho Panza is like WHERE DO I SIGN
and Don Quixote is like NO TIME FOR THAT I HAVE TO KILL THESE GIANTS
and Sancho Panza is like NO YOU IDIOT THOSE ARE WINDMILLS
and Don Quixote is like THEY WERE GIANTS A FEW MINUTES AGO
I TOTALLY SAW THEM
CLEARLY A WIZARD WAS INVOLVED
NOW I AM INJURED BUT WHATEVER IT’S COOL
then they sleep outside because they’re lost/morons

actually when i say they sleep
i mean Sancho sleeps
Don Quixote doesn’t sleep
or put food and water in his mouth
basically he is a robot that eats sanity and shits violence
but less cool than that sounds
anyway at least one of them goes to sleep

and the rest is going to have to wait til Saturday
because this book is fucking LONG
like it is a sextuple-decker failure sandwich with all the trimmings
and my jaw is only so wide my friends
ONLY SO WIDE

demonstrably NOT the end.

God Damn spelled backwards is almost Mad Dog, Which makes sense because I’m sure the Inferno is full of those

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Hey metafilter what’s up
I see you like myths
good thing I forgot to wear a shirt today
otherwise I wouldn’t have been able to record THIS:

Sometimes I worry that God never had any really good ideas for hell
and he just sort of waited for Dante to come along
and then copied all the shit he came up with
it’ll suck if that turns out to be what happened

The Holy Grail is Exciting. Galahad is Not.

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Quick announcement my friends:
I am still going to post all the Arthurian myths
that have been requested thus far
but i’m not going to be taking any more arthurian requests
cuz i am working on some secret special project nonsense now
EXCITING
(I will still take requests for other shit though just to be clear)

Alright so when last we left our heroes

Percival was a retard
Lancelot was a masochist
Galahad was the chosen one
and Bors was less important than everyone else
EXCELLENT
SHALL WE CONTINUE?
YES

so Lancelot gets back to camelot
and Arthur is like whoa fuck
welcome back dude
let’s have a feast
but Sir Kay busts into the room like NOT SO FAST ASSHOLE
ONE TIME WHEN YOU WERE SUPER DRUNK
YOU MADE A PLEDGE
THAT YOU WOULD NEVER EAT DINNER ON SUNDAY
UNTIL YOU HAD SOME KIND OF LUDICROUS ADVENTURE
and Arthur is like oh fuck
guess we can’t eat because of my shortsighted drunken oath

but then RIGHT ON CUE
here comes some dude like hey guys
a bigass stone just appeared in the moat
AND GUESS WHAT
it has a SWORD in it
did merlin do this?
seems like his M.O.
fuck no merlin hasn’t gone anywhere near these assholes in YEARS
he’s off getting his dick sucked by pterodactyls in the prehistoric or some shit
who knows
he’s merlin
he does what he wants

anyway they all go out to see this sword
and there is a big plaque on it
like HEY ONLY THE BEST KNIGHT EVER CAN PULL ME OUT
PS IF YOU TRY TO PULL ME OUT AND FAIL
IMA STAB YOU LATER
so Arthur is like hey lancelot
you’re the best knight ever right?
go pull out this sword
and Lancelot is like fuck no
I have a REALLY ABYSMAL SELF IMAGE
also i don’t want to get stabbed
and Arthur is like shit well if Lancelot can’t do it
then no one can
hey Gawain see if you can do it
and Gawain
who has a habit of agreeing to EVERY SHITTY PROPOSITION
is like yeah sure
and he tries
and predictably fails
and arthur is like BALLS
now you’re gonna get stabbed dude
…
hey percival try and pull out the sword
and Percival is like DUR OK
and he ALSO fails
and arthur is like DOUBLE BALLS
ok well this counts as an adventure let’s have dinner

but no sooner do they start having dinner
then BAM Galahad shows up
and oh yeah i forgot to tell you
there’s this seat at the round table
that no one is allowed to sit at
because if you sit in it it sets you on fire
dunno why they keep it around honestly
but anyway when galahad shows up the chair is like HEY GALAHAD SIT ON ME
BEEN WAITING FOR YOU A LONG TIME BUDDY
so galahad sits right there
smack dab next to his absentee father actually
and then not only that but suddenly THE GRAIL SHOWS UP
GUYS WHY ARE THEY EVEN LOOKING FOR THIS THING IT IS JUST FOLLOWING THEM AROUND
and it gives everyone their favorite food
and then leaves
and Gawain
who of all the knights of the round table
is the dude who knows how to party the hardiest
is like DUDES
WE TOTALLY GOTTA GET THIS FUCKING GRAIL
OUR FEASTS WILL BE THE BOMB DIGGITY
and everyone is like shit yeah let’s do this
and Arthur is like no wait guys don’t leave me alone aww
well at least hang out long enough for Galahad to try drawing that sword
you know
from that stone?
and Galahad is like oh yeah i kinda know all about that shit
i actually brought a scabbard for it
no sword just a scabbard
i’m Galahad
you are going to have to get used to this kind of behavior from me
and he goes outside and takes the sword
and it is not very exciting at all
and then arthur is like shit well that was a buzzkill
HEY GUYS LET’S HAVE A TOURNAMENT
and Galahad refuses to wear a shield for some stupid reason
and then just straight handles everyone
all the way to the ground
except for Percival and Lancelot who just stay the fuck away
and Arthur is like well that was boring
alright guys I guess it’s grailtime
man i’m gonna be so lonely
PS pretty sure most of you are going to die on this quest
so uh
bye?

so then Galahad suits up and heads out
still without a shield
and pretty soon he comes across some monastery or something
and he is kind of tired
or at least his horse is tired
Galahad doesn’t get tired
he just gets progressively more perfect
anyway he goes into the monastery
and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
TWO OTHER KNIGHTS OF THE ROUND TABLE ARE THERE
including world champion stupid-name-haver
sir Bagdemagus
and Galahad is like hey guys what are you doing here
and Bagdemagus is like DUDE THERE IS THIS SWEET SHIELD HERE
EVERYONE WHO WEARS IT EITHER DIES OR GETS MAIMED
TOTALLY GONNA WEAR IT
so the monks show them the shield
and they are like dudes
if you are not the best knight ever
this shield is just gonna rain a whole world of pain on you
and Bagdemagus is like WELL I OBJECTIVELY KNOW
THAT I AM NOT THE BEST KNIGHT EVER
STUDIES HAVE SHOWN THIS
BUT FUCK IT I’MA WEAR IT ANYWAY
and Galahad is like ok dude i’ll just wait here
you know
for your corpse to get brought back and then i’ll take the shield
cause it’s mine
i mean duh that’s why i’m not wearing a shield
and Bagdemagus is like ARRIGHT DUDE SEE YOU IN A BIT

so Baggy-d gets like ten feet outside the monastery when a knight shows up
like HEY ASSHOLE LET’S FIGHT
as you do
and then IMMEDIATELY RUINS BAGGY’S SHIT
and is like dude that shield really clashes with your EVERYTHING
go give it to Galahad
and then Galahad is like alright well that was predictable
and Bagdemagus is like ERK DYING

CUT TO LANCELOT AND PERCIVAL
they’re just wandering through the woods
suddenly Galahad shows up
but
true to custom
no one knows who anyone else is
so they all start trying to beat the shit out of each other
except galahad doesn’t try
he just succeeds
and he hits Percival in the head real hard with his sword in the process
PROPHECY
FULFILLED
and then some hermit shows up like hey lancelot you kinda suck now huh
and then Galahad gets the fuck out of there
and Lancelot goes off to cry alone in the forest

so he’s in the forest
he passes out
some dude comes and steals his armor while he’s asleep
he goes to confession to try and convince god to give it back
and god gives it back
but then lancelot just proceeds to get unhorsed
again and again
by progressively less skilled knights
until he starts to feel REALLY shitty
guess god has a new favorite dude now?

MEANWHILE PERCIVAL
he is walking off his galahad induced concussion
when he finds a boat covered in black silk
his evil alarm should be going off at this point
but it is not
because remember
he is an idiot
so he gets on the boat and there’s a chick there
and she’s like hey Percival wanna fuck?
and Percival is like only if you get me drunk first
so she does
but then at the last second he remembers that Jesus hates sexytimes
and he crosses himself
AND THE WHOLE BOAT EXPLODES
CONVENIENT
and then the chick turns into a witch and is like DAMN YOUUUU
and flies away
at which point a WHITE boat shows up
and percival is like ok well this seems safe
and he gets on THAT boat and it sails away
guys if I were an evil witch
i would probably set myself up in a white boat
because no one seems to suspect white boats of ANYTHING
anyway then a few minutes later Sir Bors finds that same boat
as a result of his shitty god-trials
and he’s like oh shit hey percival what’s good
and Percival is like
EVERYTHING

Meanwhile Galahad is riding through the woods
winning at all things ever
seriously
this dude wins at so many things in such a short period of time
not even MALORY bothers to say what they were
and Malory fucking talks exhaustively about EVERYTHING
i mean normally Lancelot can’t even scratch his fucking balls
without Malory composing an eight page long sentence about it
but somehow Galahad manages to bore EVERYONE
WITH THE SHEER MAGNITUDE OF HIS SUCCESS
so after he does this for a while
he rolls up on a castle
and he sees a bunch of knights hanging out outside
I guess siegeing the fuck out of it?
it is not clear from the information given what they are actually doing there
anyway Galahad sees all these dudes and is like WELP
GUESS I BETTER HIT THEM WITH SWORDS
so he rides by
and he smacks some guys off their horses
and then swordslaps some asshole in the helmet REALLY HARD
and that asshole?
HE IS SIR GAWAIN
BOOM
PROPHECY
DOUBLE-FULFILLED
and then Galahad rides away before anyone can figure out what’s happening
so basically
Galahad’s main role so far
has been to show up just long enough to seriously wound his sworn comrades
then ride away as fast as he can
SPORTING AS FUCK
anyway then he finds that white boat the other dudes are on
also Percival’s sister shows up
she’s like yo percival what’s good
and Percival is like
AS I WAS JUST TELLING MY PAL BORS:
EVERYTHING

so the boat just starts magically taking them somewhere
and they land next to a castle
and some knights come out like
HEY
WELCOME TO SHITTY CASTLE
I SEE YOU HAVE A WOMAN
GONNA NEED HER BLOOD REAL QUICK
and the three knights are like aw hell no
and proceed to murder the fuck out of all the other dudes
ALL DAY
until the dudes from the castle are like ok
we get it
you are great at killing
we still need that blood though
seriously we have a chick in here that is dying
she needs virgin blood all over her face
and Percival’s sister is like fuck it whatever
and Percival is like SIS
THAT IS GOING TO KILL YOU
and Percival’s sister is like dude look
it’s either this or go back home and embroider for the rest of my shitty life
this right here
this is the most metal way that I can hope to die
i’m going for it
so she does
and then probably her blood fails to heal the other chick
BECAUSE THAT IS NOT HOW MEDICINE WORKS
PEOPLE ARE NOT VAMPIRES

anyway then they drag Percival’s sister’s body back onto the boat
and the boat sails them to some castle where the grail is
and they staple a note to her boob for Lancelot to find later
and they go inside to check out this grail shit

MEANWHILE LANCELOT STAYS FAILING
but i guess he finally abuses himself enough
by wearing an uncomfortable shirt and repeatedly apologizing to god
that god is finally like UGH SHUT UP FINE
and the boat shows up with the dead chick in it
and Lancelot climbs aboard and finds the note
like lol we found the grail tough tits lancelot
and he’s like aw damn
maybe i can still make it in time to see the grail a little?
so the boat takes him to the same castle
and he climbs out and he goes to the door
and there are some lions but they aren’t really a problem
and he gets to the door to the hall where everyone is chilling with the grail
BUT HE CAN’T GO INSIDE
THERE IS A SWORD AND IT IS LIKE NO LANCELOT FUCK YOU
and Lancelot is like dammit sword
at least move out of the way so i can see the grail a little bit
I am trying to get a good photo for my vacation slide show
and the sword is like HOW ABOUT INSTEAD I KNOCK YOU OUT FOR A MONTH
and lancelot is like well that works too i guess
and he wakes up a month later and goes home
and makes more sex mistakes with Guenevere

MEANWHILE Bors Percival and Galahad roll out with the grail
and IMMEDIATELY get arrested by some shitty king
but it’s okay because they have the grail
which apparently has the power to turn dungeons into party city
they are in jail for years but it doesn’t even matter
and finally the king dies and he calls them all up like dudes
i am so sorry about that shit
and now i am dead
and everyone is like fuck who should be king
oh
how about GALAHAD
He’s great at everything why didn’t we think of this to begin with
so Galahad is king
but only for like ten minutes
because then Jesus and God and Joseph of Arimathea and Zeus and David Bowie show up
like hey Galahad come up to heaven
make sure to bring the grail
and Galahad is like I THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK
so they beam him up to heaven
and Percival is like AW BALLS
and dies of sadness in a monestary
and Bors is like well shit
better go back to Camelot and make sure my uncle isn’t making any sex mistakes
and then the kingdom is like well shit
who’s gonna be king now?
and then they probably get murdered by the Saxons
and nobody gets to see the grail ever again
ESPECIALLY not Gawain

So the moral of the story
is you can achieve the impossible
if you just believe
but honestly it isn’t worth it
because you have to like never have sex or anything
plus as soon as you achieve the impossible
your friend with leukemia is just going to grab it and ascend to heaven

THE END

It’s your birthday! Let’s talk about murder and slavery.

Posted on by
4

fuck it I might as well just post it
i posted it several hours ago by accident anyway
and it’s like 10AM in sweden so LET’S DO THIS
BONUS POST GUYS

cause guess what
right now
somewhere in sweden
a dude named Isak is turning FIFTEEN YEARS OLD
IT IS THE YEAR FORETOLD IN PROPHECY
AND BECAUSE OF THIS IT IS TIME FOR MORE NORSE MYTH

I actually had some trouble picking a myth for this
because see in norse mythology
pretty much the only time anyone important gets born
is right at the fucking beginning
and then later when loki fucks Angrbothe
and she poops out a wolf and the world serpent and HELL
and then that other time when loki fucks a horse
and gives birth to a mutant horse
and I’ve already DONE all of those
so this is the closest I could get to some birth related shit:

alright so Thor

he is a dude who is romping and stomping pretty much 26 hours out of every 24
so WHERE DOES HE FIND TIME TO GO TO THE GROCERY STORE?
ANSWER:
he doesn’t
he just murders the goats that pull his chariot
eats them
then IMMEDIATELY RESURRECTS THEM WITH MJOLNIR
so they are getting born like SEVERAL TIMES A DAY
THAT IS SO MANY BIRTHDAYS MY FRIENDS
oh yeah
forgot to tell you guys
Mjolnir can resurrect shit now?
also i guess put the meat back on bodies?
because i mean i can’t imagine it would be very humane
to just keep resurrecting goats
into an endless hell of fleshless torment
then again thor isn’t very humane
but he DOES like meat
so same difference
REMEMBER GUYS
THIS IS THE CLOSEST THING I COULD FIND TO A BIRTH MYTH
AFTER SEARCHING FOR ABOUT AN HOUR
THE KILLING-TO-BIRTH RATIO IN THIS PANTHEON
IS PRETTY FAR IN FAVOR OF THE KILLING

ANYWAY
one day thor is just tearing around the countryside
beating the shit out of mountains and showing rivers who’s boss
when he is like FUCK
i am kind of tired
better just barge into some random house and demand to sleep there
HEY GUYS WHAT’S GOOD
MIND IF I STAY IN YOUR HOUSE
PS
I CAN RIP YOU APART USING JUST TWO OF MY PREHENSILE TREE-TRUNK-SIZED PUBIC HAIRS
and the family who lives in the house is um yes
stay as long as you want

so thor gets ready to crash out
but then he thinks to himself
fuck
maybe i am kind of abusing the hospitality of my gracious hosts
in fact
pretty sure that’s exactly what i’m doing
HEY GUYS WANNA HELP ME EAT SOME GOATS?
and everyone is like WE THOUGHT YOU’D NEVER ASK
so they all settle down to eat them some goats
prolly thor has to resurrect the goats like 5 or 6 times
seeing as he has a track record of DEVOURING ENTIRE FEASTS BY HIMSELF
and they all just keep on eating
but what Thor did not count on
is that one of the kids in this house is a fucking moron
cause see there’s this dude Thialfi
who is like man these goats are delicious
but not as delicious as THE INSIDES OF THEIR BONES I BET
YUM
and he breaks open a bone and he sucks out the marrow
and it actually prolly tastes fairly shitty cause he only breaks one bone
and then thor goes to resurrect his goats and WHAT DO YOU KNOW
ONE OF THEM HAS A BROKE-ASS LEG
and he is like THIALFIIIIII
YOU ARE MY SLAVE NOW FOREVER
and Thialfi is like bummer
and then he kind of has to follow Thor around
while Thor does stupid shit until Ragnarok

So the moral of the story is
don’t suck the marrow out of goat bones
why the fuck would you even do that?
the delicious part is the meat part
plus eating the meat part does not get you enslaved to a thunder god forever

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ISAK

Sir Bors is just Batshit Insane

Posted on by
2

Oh holy shit guys

I totally forgot
about the least important knight
out of ALL the knights that get to see the holy grail
honestly that’s still not that bad though
considering there are only four dudes who get to see it
and one of them is Galahad and that was kind of a foregone conclusion
so i’m gonna put off telling the actual graily part for ONE MORE DAY
and instead tell you about SIR BORS

so this Bors guy
I mentioned him before
he’s Lancelot’s nephew
the one who gets Lancelot to stop being a little baby
and come murder dudes and fuck Arthur’s wife instead
and he is also the dude who shows up at Elaine’s castle
right after Lancelot leaves the first time
and sees the holy grail for a quick second
and then trips balls
and hallucinates a bunch of leopards fighting dragons and junk

BUT THAT IS NOT ALL MY FRIENDS
he is also the dude who makes the most STUPIDLY STRICT OATH
in the name of finding the grail
here is the story of THAT shit

so basically
right at the beginning
when all the dudes start setting out to look for the grail
Bors goes to a church and is like hey god
only gonna eat bread and water from now on
also gonna wear a super uncomfortable shirt
only sleep on the floor
and bang no women WHATSOEVER
(i mean he wasn’t getting laid to begin with but still)
and god is like I LOVE SUFFERING
YOUR REWARD:
HALLUCINATIONS
so that’s why he sees all those dragons and shit
but with great power comes A WHOLE LOT OF POINTLESS BULLSHIT
because god resolves to test the fuck out of him
or maybe it’s satan that does that
it is a VERY FINE LINE MY FRIENDS

so the first test
is Bors has to rescue this damsel
you know
like you do
and then the dude who is keeping the damsel is like BITCH IMA KILL YOU
and Bors is like FUCK
KILLING IS SUDDENLY AGAINST MY RELIGION
BETTER JUST BEAT THIS GUY WITH THE FLAT OF MY SWORD TIL HE GIVES UP
so that works
TEST ONE: PASSED

but the next test sucks significantly more
because like ten minutes later
Bors is riding through the woods
and he sees TWO SHITTY THINGS HAPPENING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS
one thing is a chick being chased by a knight who is gonna bone her
and the other one is his best bro Lionel getting BEAT BY THORNS
he only has time to save one or the other
so what does he do
he chooses the maiden
which understandably pisses off his brother Lionel
BECAUSE THIS IS A TEXTBOOK VIOLATION
OF BROS BEFORE HOS
but I guess god doesn’t see it that way
because test number two is considered a RESOUNDING SUCCESS

then the god gets bored and cranks the shittiness knob up to 11
because the next thing that happens
is this priest runs up to Bors
like DUDE
THERE’S A CHICK IN THAT TOWER OVER THERE
IF YOU DON’T HAVE SEX WITH HER RIGHT NOW SHE IS GOING TO DIE
and Bors is like that sounds incredibly fishy
but i’ll see what I can do
uh
AS LONG AS IT DOESN’T INVOLVE SEX IS WHAT I MEAN
so he follows the priest to the tower
and there is a chick in there
and she’s like yeah basically i need your cock
or I die
pretty simple
and Bors is like um sorry toots I kinda made an oath to god?
and the chick is like COME ON MAN PASS THE CANOLIES
I’M LITERALLY DYING OVER HERE
and Bors is like nup
and the chick is like IF YOU DON’T BANG ME I WILL JUMP OFF THIS BALCONY
and Bors is like that’s gonna really suck for you
i mean you’re not gonna get laid
and THEN you are also going to be dead
double whammy
and the chick is like HOW ABOUT TWELVETUPLE WHAMMY ASSHOLE
IF YOU DON’T USE YOUR PENIS ON MY RIGHT NOW
I AM ALSO GOING TO PUSH MY TWELVE LADYSERVANTS OFF THE BALCONY
and Bors is like has anyone ever told you you come on kind of strong?
and the chick is like FUCK THIS IMA TURN INTO DEMONS
THIS WAS ALL A TEST BY THE WAY AND YOU PASSED
so that’s THREE wretched experiences courtesy of god
but at least they are SUCCESSFUL wretched experiences

but number four is the real doozy
because this is when the whole bros before hos thing
really comes to bite him in the ass
see his bro Lionel survives the whole getting beat with thorns thing
and when he wakes up from his pain coma
he is like BORSSSSSSSS
(even though bors TOTALLY found his body after he passed out from pain
and brought him to a monastery to recover)
anyway he tracks Bors down
and he is like HEY DUDE
DO YOU KNOW THE ALPHABET?
and Bors is like kind of
why?
and Lionel is like WHICH LETTER COMES FIRST
B OR H
and Bors is like uh it’s B right?
and Lionel is like CORRECT
SO TELL ME SPERMCLOWN
HOW IS IT
THAT YOU CAN POSSIBLY JUSTIFY
PLACING HOS
BEFORE BROS?
THIS SHIT IS CODIFIED IN THE FUCKING ALPHABET
THERE IS A PROTOCOL
and Bors is like dude chill out
and Lionel is like DON’T TELL ME TO CHILL OUT
I WILL DO THE OPPOSITE OF THAT
TIME TO REMOVE YOUR SKULL
and then a hermit shows up like hey no don’t do that
so lionel KILLS HIM
OBVIOUSLY
I MEAN WHAT ELSE DO YOU DO TO HERMITS
and then another one of the round table dudes shows up like hey quit it
doesn’t matter who he is
cause Lionel KILLS HIM TOO
but first he chases him around for a while
while shitty mcworthlessknight is like hey
hey stop it
hey Bors why aren’t you helping me
i was trying to save your life dude what the fuck
and Bors is like it’s this whole no killing thing
it’s a really restrictive rule when you are a knight
and then Lionel comes back over like alright dude
i think i’ve killed everyone in a ten mile radius
i think we are alone now and i can kill you
and Bors is like don’t do it man
we are bros remember
i mean shit
my name is an ANAGRAM of bros
and Lionel is like you should have thought of that BEFORE you gave priority to hos
but just then
GOD finally decides to show up
and he’s like dudes just stop fighting
this is profoundly stupid
even I think it’s stupid
and stupid shit is pretty much all I ever do
like for example:
this whole fiasco
it was my fault
gonna go ahead and put an end to it now if you don’t mind
and then Bors gets on a pure white boat he found just now
and sails away to find the grail
leaving Lionel to feel like shit forever

so the moral of the story
is some people prefer bros
and some people prefer hos
but in the end
everybody just gets arbitrarily tortured by god

the end.

THE GODDAMN INFERNO

Posted on by
11

Oh shit I forgot I was totally gonna thank the awesome people who made my blog better
first of there is the fucking brilliant fantastic S. MELVILLE
who made this thing and wrote this thing and this thing
and also made this whole website look amazing
and ALSO my good buddy Amauri Siegel
who just illustrated THIS MYTH (about halfway down the page)
and is illustrating MORE OF THEM RIGHT THIS FUCKING SECOND
anyway my throat works so here is me yelling

I will NEVER run out of hats.