John Henry was a Steel-Drivin’ Man

Posted on by
8

(For a dramatic reading of this myth: YOUTUUUUUBE)

Guys i want to call your attention to something

dont you think it’s weird
that of all the myriad ethnic groups
we have shoehorned together in this great nation
our predominant mythological tradition
is tied to a bunch of ancient dead dudes
whose religion no one even worships anymore?

guys

why do we know so many greek myths guys
if you grow up in sweden
they make you learn norse myths
straight up that is something you have to do
because the swedes
DESCENDED FROM THE NORSE
I AM NOT EVEN ONE EIGHTEENTH GREEK GUYS
WHY DO I KNOW ALL THESE GREEK MYTHS

now i am not denying greek myths are super sweet
there is nothing better
if you want to watch a bunch of asshole children
fuck and kill each other
but i feel like it is my duty as an american
to raise awareness
of some motherfucking AMERICAN MYTHOLOGY UP IN HERE

so here goes

NOW JOHN HENRY WAS A STEEL-DRIVIN’ MAN
do you guys know what that means
that means that he was a dude who worked on a railroad
and his job
was to KILL MOUNTAINS
now the way he did this
was some poor sonofabitch named Little Bill
would hold a steel drill in place against the rock
while john henry BEAT THIS SHIT OUT OF IT
WITH A TWENTY POUND HAMMER
and Bill had to keep turning the drill after every strike
and eventually the drill would get dull
so he had to swap it out
for another drill
that someone would hopefully hand to him about that time
and then they would bring the old drill to a blacksmith
so the blacksmith could fix it
and then bring it back
to bill
so he could switch it out
AGAIN
and meanwhile John Henry’s hammer
is just whistling right past Bill’s junk
or face
or ribs
or wherever he had to hold the drill
in order to make sure the rock was getting brutalized in the right direction
And john henry
for his part
just has to heft a fucking TWENTY POUND HAMMER
over and over again
with perfect accuracy
all day
through solid rock
never stopping
never getting tired
under constant threat of rockslides and disfigurement

so this is this guy’s job

now john henry works for a pack of rat bastards
called the C&O railroad company
i know they are rat bastards
because one day john henry’s railroad team
rolls up on this big fucking mountain
it is a big enough mountain
that it is named Big Bend mountain
so the railroad crew is all like welp
better get ready to go around this mountain huh
and the stupid motherfuckers from C&O
are like NOPE
GOIN’ THROUGH THE MOUNTAIN
STRAIGHT THROUGH
IT IS ONLY LIKE A MILE AND A HALF THICK
YOU GUYS LIKE HAVING JOBS RIGHT
SO DO IT

so they do it
most of these guys are freed slaves
so they don’t exactly have their pick of employment opportunities
this goes double for John Henry
who is not only a freed slave
but also an UNSTOPPABLE BADASS WHO NEVER QUITS
so every day all the steel-drivers go to work
and they fling themselves mercilessly at this mountain
and like 20 people die
and get buried in shallow graves outside the tunnel
people are dying left and right
and up and down
and pretty much any direction you can die in
but john henry just keeps abusing that stone
making a solid ten foot tunnel every day
AT LEAST

so, you know, great for him
but all his friends are still dead
and the dicks at C&O are getting impatient
so when this travelling salesman shows up
all like HEY GUYS I HAVE A STEAM POWERED DRILL MACHINE
IT WILL DRILL THE FUCK OUT OF THIS MOUNTAIN NO PROBLEM
they are like SIGN US UP
and by the way all you people who work for us are fired
ESPECIALLY JOHN HENRY

now john henry is the kind of man
who takes no guff from anybody
it is unreal how little guff this man takes
like if there is a great big pile of guff by the side of the road
and john henry walked by
that pile would remain completely undisturbed
because he would take none of it
so when he sees this guff coming his way
like a shitstorm rockslide avalanche of guff
he just sidesteps that shit
and is like hey travelling salesman
i bet i can drill harder
better
faster
and stronger than your pussyass machine
and the travelling salesman is like YOU’RE ON

so the next day John henry lines up next to this machine
along with his trusty shaker Little Bill
and TWO TWENTY POUND HAMMERS
and they get to work

now this steam drill
is pretty fast
it is like CHUFF CHUFF CHUFF BITCHES
but meanwhile John henry is pretty fast too
all like WAM BAM CLANK DING MOTHERFUCKER
i dont know what hammers sound like
anyway the drill and john are pretty much neck to neck
maybe the drill is even doing a little better
but then it gets STUCK
it gets jammed in a hole in the rock
and john henry just goes grunting and flailing and sweating
FOUTEEN FEET INTO THE HEART OF THAT MOUNTAIN
BAM CLINK CACHANG POW BOOM PEW PEW PEW

so final score:
newfangled steam drill
nine feet
one man armed with nothing but sweat and gumption
and two twenty pound hammers:
fourteen feet
oh wait
did i forget to mention
that since john henry was using two hammers
he drilled TWO HOLES
while the steam drill only made ONE
so really the score was nine to TWENTY FUCKING EIGHT

yeah
but then bad news guys
john henry puts down his hammers
and dies
because he just hammered that rock so hard
he gave himself a fucking stroke
it doesnt say in the ballad
but i like to think
that his last words
were something like

…damn right

anyway then he was dead
so i think they end up using the steam drill anyway
although they have to cancel work for like a week
because everyone is convinced john henry’s ghost lives in the tunnel
also later on
it turns out that the tunnel is notoriously unstable
and it ends up collapsing a ton of times
but none of that matters
because the real hero of this story
is Little Bill
who held two drills
right next to his body
against a solid stone wall
while an absurdly muscular dude
repeatedly charged towards him
flailing two twenty pound hammers
and he kept holding those drills
and turning them
and shaking out the stone debris
and switching out the drills when they got dull
FOR THIRTY FIVE MINUTES
AND TWENTY-EIGHT FEET
and also
lived through the whole thing
didn’t have a stroke
or even shit himself in panic
so let’s hear it for little bill
real American hero

The End

(Coming Thursday: Paul Bunyan)

Why am I awake

Posted on by
10

Wanna hear something gross?

so there’s this king Pandion
he’s the king of athens
(damn right kids
haven’t told a greek myth in a WHILE
fingers started to get kinda itchy)
and he’s really shitty at wars
which i guess isnt the worst thing to be shitty at
but still it means
that when athens goes to war
he has to hit up this other king Tereus
and be like yo Tereus
i hear you are the son of Ares
come win this war for me

so Tereus wins the war
pretty much with no problem at all
and Pandion is like oh damn
i guess i have to get you some kind of reward huh
and Tereus is like no shit

now Pandion has two daughters
Philomela and Procne
he had them with his wife Zeuxippe
who is also his aunt
talk about family efficiency
or you know
INCEST
so anyway Pandion does not give a three-legged fuck about his daughters
so he is like hey Tereus
do you like women
here
have my daughter Procne
go nuts

that last part might have been Pandion’s fatal mistake
because what tereus does
is he takes that instruction to go nuts pretty literally
see he marries Procne alright
and has a kid with her
Itys
and time passes and Procne starts to miss her sister
and Tereus is like well alright honey
lemme just go on back to athens
and bring your sister back for a visit

so he shows up in Athens all like
hey Pandion i know i already have one of your daughters
lemme borrow your other one for a quick second
and pandion is like i dunno
seems like that would give you a dangerous monopoly
over ALL MY DAUGHTERS
also i might need that one
what if I go to a wedding and forget to bring a gift
or i’m at a superbowl party
and they’re like pandion you forgot the spinach dip
and then i need to be like its cool you can have my daughter
Tereus you need to think about these things
being a king is hard
you need lots of daughters

but Tereus is like look dude i’m not asking for myself
your other daughter has been giving me no end of shit
about seeing her sister
so you’re gonna have to hook it up ok
because otherwise
i am not going to have any daughters of my own
get it
get it
and then he starts crying
like COME ON MAN LET MY WIFE SEE HER SISTER
SHE IS SO SAD
and Pandion is like ok i guess
here take my daughter Philomela

So Tereus starts going back home
to bring his wife’s sister
to see his wife
so they can catch up on old times

with me so far?
good

so Tereus takes philomela to a cottage in the forest and rapes her
he rapes her over and over
and when she complains
he cuts out her tongue
because PLOT TWIST
apparently he was madly in love with Philomela all along
i dont know about you guys
but the way i show my love
is always with a combination of rape and disfigurement
he actually cuts out her tongue
because she is really insistent on telling her sister
about this shit
and in the original poem it’s really really gross
like her tongue flops around on the floor for like
a solid minute
and then Tereus is like OH LOOK AT THE TIME
IT’S RAPE O’CLOCK AGAIN
oh man i just reread the myth
and it says around this point that Tereus is “warm for wenching”
which is either the best or wost euphemism
for RAPEHUNGRY
that i have ever seen

anyway then Tereus leaves Philomela in the woods
with a 24 hour guard around her house
and goes back to Procne
and Procne is like hey where’s my sister
and Tereus starts crying
he is expert at crying
and is like OH MAN I WENT ALL THE WAY TO ATHENS
AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW
YOUR SISTER WAS ALREADY DEAD
WHAT A TRAGEDY/COINCIDENCE
and Procne is like why do you smell like rape
and Tereus is like uh new cologne

so Procne goes into mourning for like a year
and meanwhile Philomela is busy in her little cottage
weaving a tapestry
that basically just says
HEY
HEY
TEREUS RAPED ME AND CUT OUT MY TONGUE
over and over
and when she gets done
she gives it to an old woman
and she uses SIGN LANGUAGE
to tell the woman to bring it to Procne

so procne gets the tapestry
and she reads it
and is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT
but she doesn’t say that out loud
only in her mind
because she is too full of grief
and also VENGEFULNESS
instead she waits for that special time of year
when all the women get to go out into the woods
to worship bacchus
i guess because bacchus is throwing a sweet party in the woods
and he doesnt want no sausagefest

anyway procne finds her sister’s cottage
and breaks her loose
and sneaks her back into the palace
and when they both get there they sit down like hm
Tereus is the ultimate wretched excuse for a human being
what can we do to teach him a lesson
and Procne is like OH I KNOW
FILICIDE
HEY ITYS
and itys comes bounding in
like hello mother what do you need
i will do anything for you because i love you so much
and Procne is like
STAND OVER HERE WHILE MY SISTER AND I STAB YOU TO DEATH
and Itys is like ok

so they stab him to death
and cut off his head
and make a pie
and Procne gives it to Tereus
and Tereus is like mm this tastes like my son
what’s in this
i want to share it with my son
bring him in ok
and Procne is like OH ITYYYYSSSS
and Philomela walks in holding his severed head like WHAT
it is just like if you have ever seen rocky horror picture show
that scene where frank n furter pulls off the tablecloth
and meatloaf is there under the table
with a big chunk cut out of him
gross
meatloaf used to be pretty good
but i saw him on american idol a couple years ago
and he sucks now

ANYWAY then Tereus is like oh shit I’ve been pranked
BITCH IMMA KILL YOU
and Procne and Philomela are like O NO YOU DONT
and the start running
and they run SO HARD
they turn into BIRDS
Procne turns into a nightengale
basically so she can be sad forever
and Philomela turns into a Sparrow
cuz sparrows are mute
and Tereus
not to be outdone
turns into a houpou
which is a bird which is constantly saying the greek word
for WHERE
WHERE
GOD DAMMIT WHERE

by the way guys
as far as i can tell from the internet
what i just did there was the first good retelling of that myth
since OVID
guys i dont think you realize how disappointing the internet is sometimes

anyway where was i
oh yeah the moral
man where do i fucking start
Pandion is an asshole for giving away all his daughters
and then Tereus is an asshole for raping them
and then even procne and philomela turn out to be assholes
when they KILL PROCNE’S SON AND FEED HIM TO HIS FATHER
so i guess the moral is
if you have to be like anyone in this story
be like Itys?
except then you get eaten by your dad

oh well can’t win em all

The end.

I am about to BLOW YOUR MIND

Posted on by
4

Okay so there’s this stonecutter

being a stonecutter is a pretty shitty job
what you do
is you go to a mountain every day
and you cut off pieces of it
and then you haul the pieces to town and sell them
or make shit out of them or whatever
it is tiring
and boring
and it pays a combination of jack and shit

now this stonecutter
he is acutely aware of how much his job sucks
and one day he goes into town
and he sees this wealthy nobleman
getting carried by on his sedan chair
by a bunch of sweaty peasants
blowing air kisses to all the hot bitches
just generally having a good time
and the stonecutter is like
maaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnnnn
that nobleman is SOOOOOOO powerful
his life must be awesome
I wish that I was a nobleman

and BAM
he’s a nobleman
what the fuck right?
suddenly he’s being carried through town
in his sedan chair
sweaty peasants all groaning under his weight
hot bitches all hiding from his air kisses
and it starts to get really hot in the sedan chair
the nobleman is sweating buckets
through his expensive silk robes
and he is like dag yo
what is powerful enough to make ME
THE MIGHTY NOBLEMAN
SWEAT OUT SO MUCH GODDAMN WATER?
and he looks outside the sedan chair
up into the sky
and sees the SUN
beating down on him
and is like ohhh that’s what it is
because apparently he is an idiot

but then he takes it one step further
he stares at the sun
and is like MAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNN
the sun SURE IS POWERFUL
I wish I was the sun

BAM
He’s the sun
now an ordinary man would prolly be like
WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK
but this man is just like
HAHAHA HOW DO YOU LIKE ME NOW BITCHES
raining down blinding radiance on all the peasants
scorching all the hot bitches
until suddenly
he finds that there is something between him and the earth
he can no longer make everyone’s life an unspeakable hell
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK IS SO POWERFUL
THAT IT CAN BLOCK THE RAYS OF ME
THE MIGHTY SUN?
and then he actually THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A SECOND
and realizes that it is a cloud

so the sun goes MAAAAAAAAAAaaaaAAAAAAaaaaAAAN
clouds must be SOOOO powerful
I wish I was clouds

BAM
CLOUDS MOTHERFUCKER
weather forecasts change overnight
from partly cloudy
to MOTHERFUCKING CLOUDS UP THE HELL RIGHT NOW
CLOUDS IN YOUR VILLAGE
RAIN ON YOUR PARADE
CLOUDS IN YOUR MOTHERFUCKING ROOM
BITCH THERE ARE SO MANY CLOUDS
EVEN THE CLOUDS HAVE CLOUDS
all the peasants are drowning in soaked to fuck fields
and the hot bitches are getting their makeup all washed off
and the clouds are like HAHAHA WHAT NOW MOTHERFUCKERS
BUT SUDDENLY
they are getting moved
pushed away
by some invisible force
and the clouds are like
what the fuck is this
what could have the power to move ME
THE MIGHTY CLOUDS?
OH WAIT
IT’S THE WIND
I FORGOT ABOUT THE WIND

so what does he do?
he goes
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaAAAAaaAAaaAAaaAAAAaAaAAAaAAAAAaAAaaaaaAAAaAAAAAAAAaAAAaAAaaaAAAAaAAaAaAaaAAN
the wind is SOOOOOO powerful
I wish I was the wind

BAM
NATURE MAKES ANOTHER SHITTY MISTAKE
AND THIS DUDE IS THE WIND NOW
blowing over the peasant dudes’ houses
ruining the hair of all the hot bitches
literally laughing up a storm
when SUDDENLY
he runs smack into something he can’t move
at TOP SPEED
He doesn’t even need to rhetorically ask what it is
he has clearly just slammed his face into a mountain
so after he’s finished removing a fine dust of his shattered teeth
from all over the place
the wind is like

(say it with me now)

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

this mountain is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO POWERFUL
I wish I was this mountain

and BAM
he is a mountain
most powerful object on earth
also thankfully one of the less dangerous objects on earth
so he’s sitting there
being a mountain
feeling pretty good about himself
when SUDDENLY
he feels himself being cut
and changed
and he is like WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
WHAT FORCE COULD POSSIBLY EFFECT ME
THE MIGHTY MOUNTAIN

and he looks down
and right down at the bottom
he sees a stonecutter

NO MORAL TODAY GUYS MY MIND IS TOO BLOWN

THE END.

Let’s beat the shit out of the sun

Posted on by
12

Hey guys
hope you enjoyed Odin week
because it SURE AIN’T ODIN WEEK ANYMORE MOTHERFUCKERS
and actually right now
I need you guys to help me make a decision
this thursday
do you want
MORE NORSE MYTHS
or do you want A TAOIST FABLE
because i can do either
i’m versatile
let me know with your comments

anyway today I am not going to do either of those things
today
I am going to tell a myth from NEW ZEALAND
AND HAWAII
AND A BUNCH OF PLACES

it’s really infuriating actually
i spent all day reading different versions of this myth
and after like the fifth fucking one
I decided you know what
I am just going to make my own version of this myth
using a skill i learned in junior high school
called SYNTHESIS
so prepare for a sweet synth remix
of how Maui fucked up the sun’s shit

okay now when I say Maui
I do not mean the place in hawaii
with sweet beaches and whatnot
i am talking about a dude
probably the most badass hero ever
who one day decides
HEY
THE SUN MOVES ACROSS THE SKY TOO
FUCKING
FAST
WE NEVER HAVE ENOUGH DAYLIGHT
TO GET JACK OR SHIT DONE
I AM GOING TO GO TELL HIM TO STOP THAT

and this dude Moemoe is like psh
you are one stupid motherfucker
no one can say shit to the sun
least of all you
you are just an idle nobody
and Maui says oh ok
well after I’m done beating the shit out of the sun
and making everyone’s lives better
I’m going to come back here
and I’m going to kill you for doubting me
how do you like them apples
because I am the biggest most independent man
EVER

so then he goes to his mom’s house
where he lives
and is like hey mom
gonna go catch the sun
got any tips?
and his mom is like are you sure you can do this?
and Maui is like yeah i am mega strong
and his mom is like oh ok
well it so happens i know exactly how to do this shit
here
take these fifteen ropes
and go to where your grandma lives
at the crater of Haleakala
(hawaiian place names are pretty easy to pronounce
but a bitch to remember)
see your grandma goes out at like 5AM every night
to cook bananas for the sun
your grandma is a little bit crazy maui
i need you to understand that
anyway what you need to do
is steal all the bananas
and then when she asks who the fuck stole her bananas
just say you’re my son
trust me it’ll be cool

so Maui goes to the crater of Haleakala
and he hides behind a rock
and eventually his grandma comes out
with a bunch of bananas
which she intends to roast for the sun
so she breaks off some bananas from the bunch
and Maui is like YOINK BITCH
and she is like dammit where are my bananas
oh well
must be my senility acting up again
and she breaks off some more bananas
and Maui steals the fuck out of them
and this keeps happening
over and over again
until all the bananas are gone
at which point maui’s grandma is finally like
okay someone is definitely stealing my bananas
because i used to have bananas
and now i have NO BANANAS
and maui is like oh hey yeah it was me
i’m your daughter’s son
and his grandma is like oh snap
what the fuck are you doing here
and why have you stolen all my bananas
which is a great sentence to hear out of context

anyway Maui is like well
i am here to kill the sun
because he moves too fast
so we never get anything accomplished
seriously we have like a three minute day
followed by 23 hours and 57 minutes of night
what the fuck right?
and his grandma is like oh well in that case
take this extra rope
and this axe
I know i was about to cook some bananas for the sun
but now I am going to totally do a 180
and help you kill him instead
did your mom tell you i was crazy
and maui is like yes
yes she did
and grandma is like ok cool
well basically when you see the sun come over that ridge
lasso one of his legs
and then just keep lassoing his legs
til you get all of them
and he is stuck
and then i guess you can kill him
or interrogate him
or whatever

so maui crouches behind a bush
he spends a lot of time in this myth crouching behind things
and when he sees the sun’s first leg
he lassos it
but PLOT TWIST
the sun just keeps right on trucking
so Maui yanks really hard
and PULLS OFF THE SUN’S FUCKING LEG
only problem is
the sun has like THIRTY MORE LEGS
or like thirty two or something
sixteen strong ones and sixteen weak ones
also known as arms

anyway Maui is not discouraged
he just keeps lassoing those strong legs
and pulling them off
and breaking them
and pulling them off
just brutally disfiguring the sun
until he has pulled off all sixteen big legs
and the sun is like whoa man what the fuck
just
what the fuck
and maui is like haha i crippled you bitch
i won’t give you back your legs til you agree to go slower
and give us some actual fucking daylight
and the sun is like are you retarded
you TORE OFF MY LEGS
giving them back is not going to help
you removed them from my body
I can’t use them anymore
except maybe as like
the grossest crutches ever
dude, how fast do you think i can move across the sky
minus SIXTEEN LEGS
not very fast, let me tell you
so great job asshole
mission accomplished
i’m going to go limp across hawaii now
or wherever we are
because this myth is from all over the place

so maui is pretty pleased with himself
and to celebrate
he goes back home
and kills moemoe
the guy who doubted him
and then he turns him into a rock
and leaves him there
and everyone has plenty of daylight forever

so the moral of the story is
who needs time management
when you have violence

The end.

Odin is the life of the party

Posted on by
10

Who here likes booze

me
I like booze
and if you like booze
you will be THRILLED TO HEAR
about this mythical type of superbooze
the dwarves invented back in the day
it is called MAGICAL MEAD
it has only two ingredients
honey
and HUMAN BLOOD
but not just any blood
this is the blood of none other
than KVASIR THE POET
GUYS GUESS WHAT HE DOES
HE’S A POET
IT SAYS SO RIGHT IN HIS NAME
and not only is he a poet
but he’s a super good poet
so good
that drinking his blood
(as long as its mixed with honey)
not only gets you ten new varieties of shitfaced
it also gives you ultimate wisdom
and makes you speak beautiful words all the time
or maybe it just gets you so fucked up you think diamonds are coming out of your mouth
either way
pretty sweet stuff
bummer about Kvasir though

see what the dwarves do
being the little goldfucking assholes they are
is they bring Kvasir down to their caves
and murder him
and take his blood
all like HAHA GOT YOUR BLOOD ASSHOLE
and then they mix it with honey
and bam
magic mead
i hope that i am a good enough writer
that one day
dwarves will murder me
and drink my blood for wisdom

anyway the dwarves spend a good chunk of time
just becoming deliriously wrecked on this illicit substance
to the point
where they become convinced
that they are the hottest shit
ever to hit the fan
see all this bullshit about dwarves having like
THE highest alcohol tolerance
that is clearly bullshit
look how tiny they are
guys
they’re all just alcoholics
tiny filthy ring raping alcoholics
but i digress

the dwarves go up to the surface
to jotunheim
all like hehehe let’s prank some giants
so they find this one dumbass giant
Gilling
and they are like hey gilling let’s go for a boat ride
and gilling is like dur ok
and the dwarves are like HAHA PRANKED
WE’RE GONNA CRASH THE BOAT INTO A ROCK
AND YOU’RE GOING TO DROWN
AND WE’RE GOING TO FLOAT AIMLESSLY ON THE WRECKAGE
UNTIL A CURRENT CARRIES US TO SHORE
GOD WE ARE SO CLEVER
and then they probably throw up all over the place
because these dudes
they are dudes with drinking problems

anyway they are so titilated by this prank
hehe titillated
that they decide to prank Gilling’s wife too
so they show up at her house like
HEY
HEY GILLING’S WIFE
YOUR HUSBAND IS DEAD
and gilling’s wife is all NOOOOOO
and runs out of the house crying and clapping for some reason
and the dwarves are all hiding over her door
and they drop a big rock on her head
killing her
BAM
INSTANT COMEDY

they probably would have kept getting drunk and killing giants
making them basically just like
tiny shitty aesir
only it turns out that not all giants are TOTAL RETARDS
for example, Gilling’s brother Suttung
sneaks up on the dwarves while they are busy singing a song they wrote
called LALALA FUCK GIANTS WE DONE KILLED TWO AND ALSO A POET
i tell you
this mead is some MAGIC SHIT
anyway Suttung grabs their asses
well not actually their asses
their whole bodies
in fact, like five of their whole bodies
in each of his massive fucking hands
and he wades out to sea
and puts them all on a rock
and the tide is rising
and Suttung is standing there like guys
guess who is going to drown from the rising tide first
it is going to be you
because you are way shorter than me
and the dwarves are like PLEASE NO
WE WILL GIVE YOU GOLD
ALSO JEWELS
ACTUALLY THE GOLD MIGHT BE A LITTLE STICKY WHEN WE GIVE IT TO YOU
YOU CAN STILL HAVE IT THOUGH

and suttung is like fuck no eww
what do i need that shit for
I’m a giant
i fuck GIANTS
not inanimate objects
and the dwarves are like OH YEAH WELL HOW BOUT SOME MAGIC MEAD
and suttung is like magic mead you say?
that could be extremely helpful for getting very drunk
i mean
for fighting the aesir
gimme
so he holds a couple dwarves hostage and they give him the mead
and he hides it in a cave
and turns his beautiful daughter into a fugly witch
so she will have nothing better to do than guard the mead forever

ok so plot twist
turns out that ALL OF THAT WAS BACKSTORY
because years later Odin FINALLY SHOWS UP
as Vegtam the wanderer
with the one eye and the wisdom and everything
he’s wandering past a field and he sees some dudes cutting wheat
and one of the dudes is like hey man
go tell Baugi in the castle up there that i can’t cut this wheat
i need to sharpen my scythe
this is bullshit
and Odin is like oh no problem use MY whetstone
and the dude is like aww fuck
i was just trying to get a quick break
but ok
and he sharpens his scythe
and then he cuts some wheat
and holy shit man
that wheat is well and truly CUT
so all the other eight dudes working there
are like GIMME
and odin is like fine whatever
and just tosses the stone into the field
and leaves them to fight over it
so Odin shows up at Baugi’s place
(baugi happens to be suttang’s brother by the way)
and he is like yo give me food
so they do
and while odin is eating dinner
a messenger comes in like Baugi
Baugi
all of our wheat dudes just killed each other with scythes
i guess they were fighting over a whetstone or something
and Odin is like haha suckers
hey Baugi do you need a wheat dude
i am pro at wheat

and Baugi is like pish posh my friend
i need nine wheat dudes
not just one
and Odin is like i can do nine wheat dudes worth of work
just watch me
and so baugi watches odin
do the work of nine men
for the ENTIRE season
and then is like alright what do i owe you
and Odin is like oh nothing
just A DRAUGHT OF THE MAGIC MEAD
and Baugi is like shit really?
ok lemme ask my bro

so Baugi goes to ask Suttang for the mead
and Suttang is like DUMBASS
WHO DO YOU THINK THAT GUY IS?
DO YOU THINK HE’S NINE GUYS
OR DO YOU THINK HE’S A FUCKING AESIR
BZZZZZ
TIME’S UP
HE’S A FUCKING AESIR IDIOT
DON’T BE GIVING NO MEAD TO THE FUCKING AESIR

so baugi goes back to odin like sorry dude no dice
and Odin is like bitch you still owe me big time
I am GETTING that mead
help me break into the cave where it is hid
and baugi is like fuck all i wanted was some harvested wheat
i did not sign up for this shit
this is why you always get a contract ahead of time
but ok

so baugi takes odin to the cave where the mead is
and there’s a huge rock blocking it
and he’s like sorry man
can’t move that
and odin hands him a hand-powered drill
and is like make it work bitch
and then stands there leaning on his staff
lookin’ all cool
while Baugi works his ass off trying to drill through stone
and after a bunch of hours
baugi is like ok done
and odin goes over and blows in the hole
and stone dust hits him in the face
and he’s like BITCH WHAT IS THIS
YOU DIDN’T DRILL ALL THE WAY THROUGH
NOW DID I ASK YOU TO DRILL A HOLE THROUGH THIS ROCK
OR DID I ASK YOU TO DRILL A HOLE TO PUSSYVILLE
WHAT DID IT SOUNDS LIKE WHEN I SAID IT MOTHERFUCKER
GET BACK TO WORK
and baugi is like jeeze fine
and keeps drilling
and eventually he makes a hole all the way through
and is like there happy?
and odin is like yes but OH SHIT LOOK OVER THERE
and baugi is like what
and odin turns into a snake and goes into the hole
then baugi turns back around
and is like OH SHIT SNAKE
KILL IT
but he misses
like an asshole
and odin gets inside

inside, odin hears Suttang’s ugly daughter Gunnlod
crying because she is so ugly
and has to live in a cave
and has no friends or anything
she sees odin as a snake and is like
BOY I SURE HOPE YOU ARE POISONOUS
I HAVE BEEN LOOKING TO KILL MYSELF FOR A BIT
and odin is like nope just king of the gods right here
and Gunnlod is like OH FUCK NO YOU CANT HAVE THE MEAD
and odin is like what if i make you pretty again
and then he starts making out with her
and it turns her beautiful
sweet deal
must be great to be Odin
just start making out with any chick and bam
instant playmate

anyway in exchange for the mystical cosmetic surgery
Gunnlod lets odin take the mead
and they get lost in the cave for like 3 days trying to get out
maybe fuck each other a bit
and then they split up
with Gunnlod singing to everyone about how great Odin is
because she’s a great singer
because she had nothing to do in the cave but get wrecked on magic mead
and meanwhile odin imprisons the dwarves who made the mead
in their caves
forever
and then shares the mead with all the people of midgard
because i don’t care whether that cup is full of straight gin
or human fucking blood
you are not wasting good booze
that is the lesson

the end.

BONUS

Posted on by
14

(If you are lazy or dont like reading
this chick read this myth out loud for you
here:
ON YOUTUUUUBE)

Okay so I guess you guys posted enough comments
I GUESS
JUST BARELY
so I’ll do your fucking Freyja myth
in fact
I’m gonna do you one better
I’m going to do you a myth
about Freyja
and Thor (whose day i neglected yesterday)
and Loki (who some dude requested)
so BAM
takin’ ALL your requests

speaking of which
you know the thing at the top of this page that says
“I take requests and I punch babies so watch out”
well lately
I have had to double up on my baby-punching
cause there have been NO
FUCKING
REQUESTS
so get on that guys
that is what the comments section is for
Anyway, Freyja-day

But there’s a problem
see
there is some debate in the scholarly community
over whether Frigga
and Freyja
are THE SAME PERSON
some people say they aren’t
well guess what scholars
FUCK YOU
because Freyja has ALL THE INTERESTING STORIES
but I’m pretty sure friday is named after Frigga
so we’re just going to have to make
THE MOST BRUTAL COMPROMISE

So Thor right,

he’s sleeping one night
prolly dreaming about
like
lightning and murder
specifically giantmurder
cause that’s what you do when you’re an aesir
and he wakes up
and is like man that was a good dream
bout to go beat the shit out of some giants
OH SHIT
WHERE IS MY HAMMER
OH SHIT OH FUCK OH DAISIES
LOOOOOKIIIIIIIII

and loki shows up like i didn’t do it
i mean hey thor what’s good
and thor is like
SOMEONE STOLE MY HAMMER
and Loki is like oh shit
I actually seriously didn’t do that
for once
here dude
let me help you find it
let’s go see Freyja

so they go see Freyja
and freyja is like hey thor what’s good
and thor is like
SOMEONE STOLE MY HAMMER
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
and Freya is like shut the fuck up man
we can solve this mystery
Loki did you steal the hammer
and Loki is like nope
and Freyja is like fuck well I’m out of ideas then
and Loki is like WAIT UP
FREYJA
how about you lend me your cloak of feathers
the one that lets you fly
so I can fly over to the land of the giants
and ask them where they hid thor’s hammer
because
as you know
if it wasn’t me
it was definitely the giants

And freyja is like sure man
i trust you absolutely
now that you’ve personally assured me
that you didn’t steal mjolnir
here
take my super valuable cloak
so Loki takes it
and flies all the way to Jotunheim
and surprisingly
FAILS TO STEAL THE CLOAK ANYWHERE ALONG THE WAY
and instead glides right up to the king of the giants
or at least some really rich giant
named Thrym
who is just sitting up on a mountain
with some hounds
on gold leashes
maybe chillin in a champagne jacuzzi i dunno
and he is like yo loki my man whats good
you here to fuck some more large women
and Loki is like
not today my man
hey
you didn’t happen to steal mjolnir did you?
and Thrym is like HAHA YOU GOT ME
AND GUESS WHAT
I BURIED IT
AND I’LL NEVER GIVE IT BACK
UNLESS I GET TO MARRY FREYJA
SO PUT THAT IN YOUR PIPE AND SUCK IT
AND SEE WHAT COMES OUT
CAUSE IT SURE AIN’T GONNA BE MJOLNIR
NOT UNLESS WHAT YOU PUT IN THAT PIPE IS FREYJA
IN A BRIDAL GOWN
AND THEN YOU PASS THAT PIPE TO ME
JUST LIKE I SAID BEFORE
BUT LESS ABSTRACTLY

So loki flies back to Freyja and Thor
who are both like HOLY SHIT LOKI
DID YOU FORGET TO STEAL THAT CLOAK OR SOMETHING
BECAUSE IT IS STILL CLEARLY ON YOUR BACK
IT IS LIKE YOU ARE SUDDENLY
RESPECTING PEOPLES’ POSSESSIONS AND SHIT
and Loki is like what I don’t steal things
what are you talking about
listen I can get mjolnir back
it’s super easy
here Freyja put on this dress
and then you just gotta go rub your vagina on this giant
just right quick
and bam
free hammer

and Freyja is just like HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
NO
what do you think I am some kind of slut
Thor you do it
and thor is like
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
way jose
what do i look like some kind of cross-dressing motherfucker
some kind of effeminate sonofabitch all prancing around
picking flowers
not crushing woodland creatures
bitch you could not find a vagina on me if you CUT ONE INTO MY FLESH
SHIT WOULD GROW BACK
THAT IS HOW MANLY I AM

and Freyja is like yes thor we all understand
but you know
if you dont get that hammer back
who is going to kill all the giants
no one
those giants are going to remain woefully unkilled
all hanging out over there in jotunheim
with their gold
and champagne baths
and large women
and thor is like I WON’T ALLOW IT
and loki is like so you’ll put on this dress?
and thor is like fuck
FINE

so they pull out ALL the fucking stops
this is like pimp my ride for drag queens right here
they give him a dress
and Freyja’s pretty necklace
and some housekeys
cause apparently there is some tradition
where after the wedding
they lock you out of a house
and you have to get inside
or you’re officially divorced or something
and a veil and all that shit
and Thor just feels
SO
FUCKING
PRETTY
but he won’t let anyone know
cause he’s thor alright

and then Loki gets jealous of how pretty thor is
and is like I wanna dress up too
and Freyja is like alright
you can be her i mean his maid
and go with him
and be like his wingman or whatever
is there a female version of wingman
is it just wingwoman
that sounds kind of awkward
i’m coining a new phrase
titcaptain
tell your friends

so Loki and thor show up at Thrym’s place
and thrym is like aww hell yeah
for many years i have been super rich
but in all that time
i have never been super rich AND married to Freyja
you’re moving up in the world Thrym old boy
here Freyja come into my hall let’s eat
and thor is like
hell
yes
and he eats an entire ox
and then eight salmon
and all the little cakes and shit they can bring him
and chugs a ton of mead
until Thrym is like whoa
whoa baby
might wanna slow down there
and Loki is like no man it’s totally cool
he i mean she didn’t eat for the last eight days
cause she was SO EXCITED
about your DICK
so Thrym is like oh ok

so he thinks about that
and he is like man
i really wanna kiss my bride
i want it real bad guys
here let me take a look at your beautiful
OH WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS
cause see he pulls up thor’s veil
and he sees his eyes
flaming with pure black hatred
and that is not what he is looking for
and he is like MY WHAT BIG EYES YOU HAVE
and loki is like no man
no its fine
she just hasnt slept for the last eight days
cause she was SO FUCKING EXCITED
about your dick
like i said
honestly i dunno how she’s even alive
except i guess for the whole goddess thing

so then this random chick busts into the room
one of Thrym’s daughters or something
and is like FREYJA GIVE ME A WEDDING GIFT
EVEN THOUGH I AM NOT GETTING MARRIED
GIVE ME RINGS OF RED GOLD
and thor is like bitch what the fuck is red gold
what am I a fucking dwarf
hey Thrym I want wedding gift actually
how about some mjolnir over here
and Thrym is like ANYTHING YOU SAY HONEY
and goes and digs up mjolnir
and puts it in Thor’s lap
and thor is like OH IT IS PARTY TIME NOW MOTHERFUCKERS

so he kills thrym
and then all of thrym’s dudes
and then that chick who asked him for gold
just for good measure
and is like WHO’S THE MAN
WHO’S THE MAN
ME RIGHT?
BECAUSE THIS WHOLE THING
HAS MADE ME PRETTY INSECURE
IN MY MASCULINITY
and then he leaves and lives happily ever after

so the moral of the story is
if at first you don’t succeed
try crossdressing

The end

In Which Being a Bastard Does NOT Work

Posted on by
11

Alright welcome back to Odin week motherfuckers

now it was drawn to my attention
by this chick I know
that the days of the week
are actually named after norse gods
and also big shit in the sky
you’ve got moon day
tyr’s day
Odin’s day
(which is why it’s spelled all funny)
Thor’s day
Freya’s day
Sun day
and then Saturn day is just some roman bullshit
got thrown right in there along with the norse
fucking romans
gods always sticking it in where they don’t belong

anyway my point is
that I have been kind of fucking up this week
see what I should have done
is told a myth about Tyr on tuesday
and a myth about Odin on wednesday
and I should be telling you one about Thor today
WELL TOUGH TITS GUYS
Because like i said
IT’S ODIN WEEK
and you are going to have to deal with that

but I will do something for you guys
kind of a concession
a little bit of a bonus
to placate you
which is
if I get at least three people telling me it’s a good idea in the comments
at the bottom of this post
tomorrow I will put up a myth about Freya
in honor of her day of the week
but Saturday is still gonna be Odin day no matter what alright
because fuck saturn

AN
Y
WAY

This myth takes place back in the day
before Odin was such a one-eyed badass
when he used to live on an island with his wife Frigga
aka Freya
aka WIFE OF GRIMNER THE FISHERMAN
because GRIMNER is the bizarre moniker odin happens to be going by
at the moment
let me just say that Grimner is a pretty fucking badass name
especially for a fisherman
and all of my children are going to be named Grimner
boys and girls
especially girls

anyway frigga and odin are chilling on this island
kind of just keeping an eye out
for bad dudes who get lost on their ships
and are of a sufficiently impressionable age
to be molded into ultimate heroes
designed to kill giants
because basically all the Aesir ever do
is think up ways to fuck with giants
Loki is pretty much the only one you even see getting laid
and all the other aesir hate him anyway
cause everyone else basically just sits around
thinking about fucking up giants all day

so one day odin and frigga are out looking for shipwrecked dudes
and they find the sons of king Hrauding
who i know nothing about
but i guess he was a pretty awesome king
cause Odin and frigga shit themselves with excitement
and they immediately start having a pissing contest
to see who can turn one of the brothers
into the most absurdly righteous hero engine

so Odin grabs his favorite of the two
Geirrod
who is the youngest
and is really fucking loud all the time
also strong
and easily excited
and Odin teaches him how to hunt
and fish
and climb rocks
and jump over chasms
and he feeds him steroids and has him fight bears
with a shitty handmade spear
just to toughen him up
for the end of the world

and then there’s Frigga’s favorite
Agnar
who is older
and kind of softspoken
and generally sort of a nice guy
but also a consummate pussy
sometimes Agnar goes out with Geirrod
on his perpetual suicide missions with Odin
and he does ok
but his brother always does way better
and Odin is like HAHAHA PUSSY
LOOK WHAT A HERO YOUR BROTHER IS
GO BACK TO YOUR KNITTING PRINCESS

so Agnar does
he spends most of his time chilling with Frigga
who sits at home sewing most of the time
and talking about all the other Aesir
and the giants
and all the shit I already told you guys
like about what a musclebound dickstrap Thor is
and how Loki can’t fucking keep it in his pants
and Agnar is like damn
you guys are in some deep shit with friends like those
and you’re in charge of protecting Midgard?
where I live?!
no way girl
I am going to figure out how to do my part
to make sure you do not piss a flaming blue streak
through my precious land
I’m going to be super righteous and shit
it’s gonna rule

so the time comes for the boys to go back home
and Odin builds them a boat
because of ALL THE THINGS ODIN AND FRIGGA TAUGHT THEM
they did not think it was important
to teach them how to get off of a deserted island
even though that was the NUMBER ONE PROBLEM FACING THEM
THE ENTIRE FUCKING TIME
but before they leave
Odin takes Geirrod aside
and is like dude
one day you are going to be king
you’re gonna be a fucking hero too
you are going to get so many bitches
it is going to be wicked
so remember
one day I am going to hit you up
and you better not be too stuck up
to allow GRIMNER THE FISHERMAN into your royal hall
because that would make you a shitty king
also
I want a couple of your bitches
and Geirrod is like no doubt dude
i am totally going to be a hero
but not a king though
because my pussy-ass brother is older than me
so you’ll have to ask him about the bitches
bummer, huh?
and Odin is like yeah, bummer.

Meanwhile Agnar is looking deep into Frigga’s eyes
all like
no matter what
I am going to figure out how to fight the battle of the gods
cause i am not leaving it in your hands
your husband made my brother fight a BEAR
with a SHARPENED STICK
AND NEVER TAUGHT US HOW TO BUILD A FUCKING BOAT
and frigga is like tru dat
good luck dude

so they set sail in their new boat
but just when they are in sight of their dad’s kingdom
Geirrod is like man it’s sure great that we’re going home
but you know what would be even better
is if only I made it home
and i told them you were dead
and they made me king
and Agnar is like no man
that sounds like it would be much much worse
than what is happening right now
and Geirrod is like TOUGH CHUCKLES PUSSY
I’VE ALREADY THROWN AWAY THE OARS
AND PUSHED US IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION OF THE SHORE
AND NOW I AM GOING TO USE MY ULTIMATE SWIMMING SKILLS
TO SWIM TO SHORE
I’M NOT EVEN GOING TO KILL YOU
I AM JUST GOING TO BADASS YOU
TO DEATH

so this is exactly what Geirrod does
and his father is so happy to see him
cause he thought both his kids were dead
so one out of two aint bad
and pretty soon the old dude dies and Geirrod becomes a king
well played

So cut to a bunch of years later
after Odin chucks his eye into Mimir’s well
and gains ultimate wisdom
and he’s just walking from place to place
wandering around
judging people
when he arrives in Geirrod’s kingdom
and he’s like SWEET
finally
time for some fine bitches after all this wandering
and then all these jackasses on horses show up
and nearly trample him as they head into town
and he’s like whoa what the fuck guys
and follows them to the stables
where they yell for the servants to come out
but only one servant comes out
and guess who it is

that’s right

AGNAR
AGNAR has snuck back into the kingdom
and is working as a fucking stableboy
and his brother has no idea
Odin immediately knows all of this
through the magic power
of exposition
granted to him by the wisdom water
but he doesnt have time to do anything about it
cause the horse dudes are like
HEY ASSHOLE
COME HELP US WITH THESE HORSES
so he does
and then afterwards, Agnar is like hey man
would you like some bread
that is all I have
cause i am real poor
but you know
i can also offer you like
some straw
to sit on, not to eat
and odin is like yeah yeah thats fine
but what i really want
is some bitches
and some steaks
so I’m going to go into the royal hall real quick
and get that shit
and Agnar is like DUDE NO
The king is in a BAAAAAAAD MOOOOOOD
you do not want to go in there
and Odin is like yes i do
i want it like a man wants a fine steak and some even finer bitches
on a cold winter’s night
and Agnar is like alright suit yourself

so odin goes up to the royal hall
and knocks on the door like
hey
hey
hey
where my steaks at
and this hunchback comes out
like what the fuck do you want
and odin is like i wanna hang out in the king’s hall
and the hunchback is like not in this king’s hall buddy
and he’s about to punch him in the face
when the king yells at him from inside
so he lets odin in

And odin walks in
and he sees all these positively evil bastards eating at the king’s table
and he is like aww shit
Geirrod has become a king of wankers and thieves
and Geirrod looks at him and is like
SO YOU WANT TO COME HANG OUT WITH THE COOL KIDS HUH
WELL HOW ABOUT YOU SING FOR US
and Odin is like sure ok
how about I sing a song about what a shitty king you are
and Geirrod is like HOW ABOUT I CHAIN YOU UP AND SET YOU ON FIRE
AGAIN AND AGAIN
FOR EIGHT DAYS
and odin is like go for it

so they chain him up
and set him on fire
and he just stands there
mad dogging Geirrod
ALL
NIGHT
LONG
and early in the morning
when no one’s around
Agnar sneaks in
and gives him a horn of ale
so Odin gets completely shitfaced
because Geirrod tells all his servants
to make sure not to give Odin any food or water
so he has nothing in his system but ale and hatred
when Geirrod arrives in the evening
and sets him on fire again
and Odin just stands there
mad dogging him
not getting burnt

now you would think
that after two nights of this
Geirrod would figure out that fire doesnt hurt this guy
but no
he just goes for broke
he shows no sign of stopping
he just keeps setting this drunk motherfucker on fire
like i said for eight days
and Agnar keeps bringing him ale
until Odin gets drunk enough
that he is just like fuck this shit
and lightly rips all the chains out of the stone walls
and then walks slowly towards Geirrod
who really hates him at this point
and to make matters worse
he starts singing another song
about how shitty Geirrod is at being king
and how he is gonna die

so Geirrod does the sensible thing
and attacks him with his sword
i guess thinking that eight days of fire
probably weakened Odin’s invincibility or something
guess what
he is totally wrong about this
his sword fails
and Odin is like
HEY GUYS
GUESS WHAT
I’M ODIN
THE ALLFATHER
YOU ALL DONE FUCKED UP BAD

and the mere realization of how badly they have fucked up
turns all of the bastards in the court
including Geirrod
into wolves
and then they run away
and Odin is like hey Agnar
thanks for the booze
you’re king now
have fun
and Agnar turns out to be a really good king
a lot better than his asshole brother

so the moral of the story is
don’t set homeless people on fire
homeless people are flame retardant
and will turn you and your friends into wolves

The end

Keep doing that and you’ll go blind

Posted on by
10

Hey guys I’m back
I noticed you did some pretty sweet myths while i was gone
call me some time Jesse
anyway awesome work
we’ll have to do it again sometime

NOW

Since you motherfuckers STOLE
at least one of the myths i was gonna do this week
You’re going to hear all about ODIN
ALL WEEK LONG
yes it is motherfucking ODIN WEEK
here on the better myths blog
so check it out

there is this guy odin right
(I’m trying this crazy paragraph idea today
let’s see where it takes us)
i think i said before how he kind of made the world and stuff
anyway he has these two birds
Hugin and Munin
they’re ravens actually
and every day they fly all over the place
and then they come back and tell Odin what’s up

but DISASTER STRIKES
because one day
instead of showing up
the ravens DON’T SHOW UP
and Odin is all
FUCK I’M PRETTY AFRAID HUGIN IS GONNA DIE
BUT I REALLY LIKE MUNIN A LOT BETTER
SO I HOPE HE COMES BACK FIRST

but the next day both of the ravens come back
only instead of telling him all the shit they saw
all they will say is
DOOM DOOM DOOM MOTHERFUCKER
GOT SOME FOREBODING SHADOWS UP IN THIS BITCH
and Odin is like
OH FUCK
FOREBODING SHADOWS
THOSE ARE THE WORST KIND OF SHADOWS
SHIT FUCK SHIT FUCK FUCK SHIT FUCK SHIT SHIT
DAMN

so his wife Frigga busts in like
HUSBAND STOP YELLING
and Odin is like
I CANT STOP YELLING
THERE ARE FOREBODING SHADOWS FUCKING GOING ON ALL OVER THE PLACE
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WOMAN
DO YOU WANT ME TO BE CALM
HOW THE FUCK AM I GOING TO BE CALM WITH ALL THIS DOOM EVERYWHERE
and frigga is like dude chill
if bad shit’s gonna happen
bad shit’s gonna happen
tell you what
how about we go hit up these chicks called the norns
who live at the bottom of Ygdrassil
– THE TREE OF LIFE –
and look into their eyes for a bit and see the future
and then see how you feel ok?
and Odin is like okay i guess
I felt like I was really making some progress here though
you know
with the yelling

so Odin gets all his buddies together
them being Tyr
the one-armed badass swordmaster murder convention
Baldur
the most beautiful and best loved of all the gods
and Thor
who has a hammer
they all walk over to this fabulous rainbow bridge
that connects Asgard to the base of Ygdrassil
and Odin goes up to Heimdall
who is the keeper of the gate
and the watchman of Asgard
and also has the ultimate set of gold dentures
and Odin is like dude
open the gate
and heimdall is all sure ok
and he opens the gate
and Odin walks through
and Tyr walks through
and Baldur walks through
and Thor tries to walk through and Heimdall is like NOPE
NO THORS ALLOWED
and Thor
who is the god of getting real pissed real fast
is all WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU MEAN ASSHOLE
AM I GOING TO HAVE TO BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF YOUR GATE
AND YOUR BRIDGE
AND YOUR WIFE
OR LIKE
SINCE YOU DONT HAVE A WIFE
AM I GOING TO HAVE TO WAIT
UNTIL SOME POOR SKANK FINDS YOUR WEAKASS GOLD GRILL ALLURING
AND MARRIES YOU
AND THEN AT THE WEDDING CEREMONY
WHEN YOU ARE ALL HAVING YOUR FIRST DANCE
AND CUTTING THE CAKE AND SHIT
BUST OUT OF THE CAKE AND CLOCK YOUR NEW WIFE IN THE JAW?
WITH MY HAMMER?
BECAUSE IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT DEFINES ME AS A PERSON MOTHERFUCKER
IT IS MY MASSIVE FUCKING HAMMER
AND IF THERE IS A SECOND THING
IT IS MY INCREDIBLY VINDICTIVE NATURE
SO JUST THINK ABOUT THAT OK
and Heimdall is like
well
actually your hammer is kind of the problem
the weight of your hammer
combined with the weight of your
fat
fat
ass
would break the rainbow bridge
so I’m sorry dude
you’re going to have to stay home
and thor is like NO
and Heimdall is like well i mean
you can leave your hammer with me
and Thor is like NOOOOOOOOOOO
and at this point Odin and the other guys are just like
Thor
Thor
buddy
it’s not that big a deal
just chill out in asgard for a bit
we’ll be back
and thor is like NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
and Odin is like Heimdall, bro
just let him cross the bridge, yeah?
he’s gonna have one of his tantrums
and Heimdall is like i can’t
it will actually break
but he can go another way
there are these two smothering miserable cloud rivers
that follow the bridge
if he can wade through both of those, he can meet you on the other side
and Thor is like SOUNDS AWESOME

so Odin and Tyr and Baldur
have to hang out and just listen to some fucking swans for a bit
and wait for thor to complete his miserable and unecessary slog
through the cloud rivers
to the base of Ygdrassil
and he finally makes it
and then Odin goes over to stare at the Norns for a bit
there are three norns
Urda, the old one
Verdandi, the hot one
and Skulda, the emo one
and in their eyes Odin can see the future
and it’s pretty fucking depressing
the myth doesn’t really say quite what he sees
but whatever it is it’s just a thousand times worse
than whatever the ravens told him
and then his wife shows up
with Sif (Thor’s wife, with the gold wig)
and Nanna (Baldur’s wife. Lucky bitch)
and she looks at the norns for a bit
and then looks real sad at Baldur
who is her son
presumably cause she saw him die in the future or some shit
who knows

so Odin turns around like
HEY WIFE OF ODIN
which is what he calls his wife apparently
and Frigga is like
YEAH HUSBAND OF FRIGGA WHATS UP?
and Odin is like IM GOING TO MIDGARD FOR A BIT
I NEED TO DRINK FROM THE WELL OF MIMIR
CAUSE IT IS FORTIFIED WITH WISDOM AND SHIT
AND ALL THESE FOREBODING SHADOWS ARE GOING WAY OVER MY HEAD
and Frigga is like COOL OK

So Odin gets rid of his spear
and all his armor
and his eagle helmet
and his eight-legged horse
and his name
and becomes VEGTAM THE WANDERER
he gets a blue cloak and a staff
and starts walking through midgard
on his way to Jotunheim
to see him some giants

pretty soon
he sees him a giant
and since he is Odin
he looks like a giant to other giants
and a regular dude to other regular dudes
so he walks up to the giant like
HEY THERE OTHER GIANT
WHO ARE YOU
and the giant is like
I AM VAFTHRUDNER
WISEST GIANT EVER
Odin has heard about this dude
and he knows that he is not bullshitting
so he is like
OH DAMN I AM IN LUCK
HEY VAFTHRUDNER
HOOK ME UP WITH SOME WISDOM
and Vafthrudner is like
OK BUT FIRST ANSWER MY RANDOM BULLSHIT TRIVIA
AND IF YOU ANSWER WRONG I GET TO CUT OFF YOUR HEAD
this is how they play trivial pursuit in sweden
and Odin is like ok sure

so Vafthrudner is like ALRIGHT SMART GUY
WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE RIVER BETWEEN ASGARD AND JOTUNHEIM
and Odin is like IFLING MOTHERFUCKER
so Vafthruder is like ALRIGHT ALRIGHT
BUT WHAT ARE THE NAMES OF THE HORSES DAY AND NIGHT DRIVE
and Odin is like SKINFAX AND HRIMFAX FOOL
so Vafthruder is like FINE EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT
BUT WHAT IS THE NAME
OF THE PLAIN
WHERE THE LAST BATTLE WILL BE FOUGHT
and Odin is like MAN I EXPECTED SOME RIDDLES OR SOMETHING
NOT THIS STUPID POP QUIZ BULLSHIT
THE ANSWERS TO ALL THESE QUESTIONS ARE ON FUCKING WIKIPEDIA
I THOUGHT YOU WERE SPOSED TO BE WISE
IT’S CALLED THE PLANE OF VIGARD BITCH

and Vafthruder is like aww fuck
well hold on
now you gotta ask me a question
and if I can answer it, I get away clean
but if I CAN’T then you get my head
and Odin is like alright i guess
how about this one:
WHAT ARE THE LAST WORDS THAT ODIN WILL SAY TO HIS SON BALDUR
BEFORE BALDUR DIES
and Vafthruder is like JESUS CHRIST COME ON
THAT IS ENTIRELY UNFAIR
ONLY ODIN WOULD KNOW THE ANSWER TO THAT QUE- wait a second
you’re Odin aren’t you?
you motherfucker.
alright well decapitate me I guess

but odin is like WHOA WHOA MAN
I didn’t want to decapitate you
I just wanna know how much it costs to drink from Mimir’s well
and Vafthruder is like oh damn is that all?
you could have just asked Mimir
ok well Mimir generally just charges people
THEIR RIGHT EYE
in exchange for a drink from the well of wisdom
and Odin is like really?
and Vafthruder is like yup
and Odin is like does he ever charge anything else?
and Vafthruder is like nope.

So Odin is like fuuuuuuck man
I need my right eye
for like
depth perception
and like
keeping bacteria out of my bleeding eyesocket
maybe i shouldn’t go through with this
and then he remembers that that would be super lame
and all the other gods would call him a pussy forever
so he gets his balls up
and goes to Mimir’s well
and is like hey Mimir
hook it up

Mimir looks at him and is like dude
you know how much it costs right?
and Odin is like yup
and Mimir says
cause like a lot of people show up here
all GIVE ME SOME WISDOM
and i’m always like sure
one eyeball please
and they are like NOOOOOOO WAYYYYYY
so i just wanted to make sure you weren’t gonna pussy out
I mean I know you’re not gonna
because I drink from this fucker all the time
and have ultimate wisdom
but still
for formality’s sake
you down to give me your right eye?
and Odin is like YES.

So Mimir gives him the water of knowledge first
which strikes me as an incredibly unwise move
because Odin could have just
drunk all the water
and then left
and kept both his eyes
and in fact if that water had really given him ultimate wisdom
that’s probably what he would have done

but no
he drinks the water
and he sees what he has to do to mitigate the horrible foreboding shadow
even though it can’t be stopped
because norse mythology is pretty fucking gloomy
and then he puts down the drinking horn
and he plucks out his eye
and he puts his still-warm bleeding eyeball in Mimir’s well
proving once and for all
that the norse may not have been a very smart people
or a very happy people
but no matter what

THEY WERE ALWAYS METAL

The end.

Bastard Children are Morons

Posted on by
Reply

Thanks to tsuyoshikentsu. Mr. O’Brien will resume his postings next week.

So there’s this chick Clymene

and she would be totally unremarkable
except one day Helios, god of the sun
decides to pull a Zeus and just randomly knock her up and leave
so she has this kid Phaeton
and let me tell you
if you thought that guy icarus was dumb
you will not BELIEVE this kid
so he goes up to his mom and asks hey
I know this is an incredibly painful subject for you
but can you tell me who my dad is
and Clymene is like well
I don’t want to brag
but
your dad
is HELIOS
GOD OF THE SUN
and Phaeton is like no but really who mah dadday
and Clymene is like no but really it’s Helios
and Phaeton is like okay stop the bullshit now
and Clymene is like no for real it’s Helios
and Phaeton is like you are a liar
and Clymene is like well if you don’t believe me why don’t you go find him
you damned ungrateful child
and Phaeton is like fine
I will
and basically he does
like he is so intent on proving his mother wrong
that he seriously GOES TO HEAVEN
and goes and asks the sun god
but actually his mother is telling the truth
so Helios is like actually yes, I am your daddy
and Phaeton is all like PROVE IT
and Helios is like ARGH WHAT THE HELL KID
YOU KNOW WHAT
FINE
I WILL DO WHATEVER YOU WANT TO PROVE THIS
and Phaeton is like pinky swear?
and Helios is like fuck that mortal shit
I SWEAR ON THE RIVER STYX
and Phaeton is like SWEET I WANNA DRIVE THE CHARIOT
okay
brief time out here
the Greeks believed
that the sun was actually the chariot of the sun god
being driven across the sky every day
like he would have nothing better to do
but anyway this is the chariot Phaeton wants to drive
and Helios is all like uhhhhh
that will probably kill you son
(get it son)
and Phaeton says BUT YOU PROMISED
and Helios is like no but for real
the chariot is on fire
and the horses breathe fire
also they’re crazy
you would probably burn to a crisp
and Phaeton is like BUT YOU PROOOOMIIIIIISED
and Helios is like FINE JESUS
but here
let me rub you with oil that will stop you from burning
and Phaeton is all like great!
so the next day Phaeton gets all set to go on the chariot
and his dad is like this is a terrible idea
and Phaeton is like SCREW YOU DAD I DO WHAT I WANT
NOW GIDDYUP
and the fire-breathing horses are all like
this guy is a total wuss
except horses can’t talk, not even fire-breathing ones
but anyway they just totally fucking bolt
and Phaeton is like SHIIIIIiiiiIIiiIiiiIIIiiIiIiIT
(cause he’s moving right
anyway)
and hes not being burned but he can’t steer the damn chariot
and the chariot is the sun
so basically the sun goes way up high and Helios starts freezing his balls off
and is like GET THE FUCK DOWN HERE RIGHT NOW BOY
and Phaeton is like SHIIIIIIIiiiiIiIiiIiiIIIIiIIiiiiIIIT
but he manages to make the horses go lower
except now he’s TOO LOW
and he’s just fucking burning everything
and he flies over africa like SHIIIIIIiiiiiiIIiIIIIIiIIIIIiiIT
and he burns most of northern africa and that’s why it’s a desert
and he burns most of the africans and that’s why ethiopians are black
(anansi probably has something to say about that, but fuck him
this is a greek myth
anyway)
he just keeps burning shit and burning shit
and all the water starts to dry up
and even poseidon gets up and is like
BITCH
CUT THIS THE FUCK OUT
but it’s too hot for him to handle and he has to run
so finally zeus manages to look away from whatever chick he is currently boning
and is like WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON UP THERE
HELIOS
YOU BETTER NOT BE FUCKING AROUND
and then he looks and he sees it’s not Helios
and then he basically is like fuck this
and he takes a lightning bolt and shoots down the chariot
and Phaeton dies a horrible death
so naturally Helios is pretty upset about this
and he goes and he mourns for a few days
which would be fine for anyone else, but he’s not driving his chariot
bam
no sun
and finally the other gods are like FUCK dude
it’s just a kid
get over it
and Helios is like okay
and he goes back to doing his thing
but the fact of the matter is
none of this would have been a problem
if Clymene hadn’t known who Phaeton’s father was
thereby proving
if you knock some chick up
it is better that you don’t give her your name

the end

The Founding of Rome

Posted on by
4

Thanks to Jesse:

THE FOUNDING OF ROME

I’m going to tell you a story about how we got Rome

it involves wolf tits
virgins
twins
and lots of bad dudes
and rape that might be kidnapping
but is probably rape
this being a Roman myth after all.

So here we are in ancient Alba
where a Vestal Virgin gets knocked up
this is a pretty big deal because virginity
is sacred to Vesta
the goddess of home and homefires and other homey type stuff
except maybe it’s not a problem that she’s knocked up
because apparently it was Mars
the god of fucking War
who did the deed
so maybe the virgin can be forgiven
because Mars is not the sensitive type
(there is some kind of hidden lesson in here
about how wars create cities
but let’s focus on the poor vestal virgin for a moment)

she gives birth to twins
Romulus and Remus
and their great-uncle realizes fuck
these kids are not quite human
and tells his servant to have them killed
we never hear about the mother after this
because in typical myth fashion
your parents usually only count if they are gods.

Anyway
maybe the servant wasn’t listening
or in any case didn’t feel like
fucking murdering these semi-divine twin babies
because the servant just leaves them near the river Tiber
which is flooding
sure
but you know myths
surely some magical animals will come by
and the babies will be just fine

AND WHAT DO YOU KNOW
they don’t die because
a she-wolf suckles them
a woodpecker feeds them
and a pig herder later adopts them maybe thinking
hey who couldn’t use some wolf suckled demigod twins
to help out with the old pig farm

Romulus and Remus grow up to be pretty awesome swineherds
and are actually pretty badass
despite growing up with uneducated swineherds
in fact they become the leaders
of all the swineherds
and other assorted bad dudes
who apparently all hang out in the Tiber Valley
because when you drink wolf milk
you are pretty badass
and everyone fucking knows it.

Not content with reigning over these Tiber Valley thugs
first the twins conquer their great-uncle’s kingdom as revenge
but say hey fuck that kingdom
we’re too badass to reign over someone else’s weak ass kingdom
so they decide to make their own kingdom
except Romulus picks one hill
and Remus picks another hill
and they are both pretty pissed off motherfuckers
who can’t agree
and I think you might know what is coming here

Remus goes hey Romulus
I saw six vultures which means my hill is pretty sweet
and Romulus goes well dumbass
too bad because I saw TWELVE VULTURES
meaning my hill is TWICE AS BADASS
Remus is like okay
and jumps over Romulus’s wall
but I guess wall jumping is a pretty big insult
back in pre-Rome
so Romulus fucking kills Remus over this
and continues on to build his badass city without his brother.

Except his city has a big problem
aside from being founded on murder
the problem is that everyone who lives there
is a bad dude
they are all brigands and thieves
runaway slaves and shepherds
(shepherds apparently are bad dudes in pre-Rome
not clear how their reputations got repaired so quickly
cause later on the Bible is pretty sweet on shepherds
but I digress)
what they don’t have is any ladies
at all
and so Romulus is like guys guys check it out
did you notice all the Sabines who live next door
they have some pretty hot ladies
let’s hold some games in town
and lure in all that sweet Sabine ass
because we sure could use some ladies
in this damn sausage factory
am I right or am I right
and all the pre-Rome dudes are like SIGN US UP
so they hold the games
the Sabines come to pre-Rome like sweet
heard there were some games here
and at Romulus’s signal
the infamous Rape of the Sabine Women happens
and the Sabine ladies are taken
by all the brigands and thieves and shepherds and such
and some stories try to say it wasn’t a rape
it was more like a kidnapping
but
Romans are the descendants
of Romulus’s bad dudes and the Sabine women
so you tell me
was it a little Stockholm syndrome after the kidnappings
or did something a little more violent occur
when all these brigands and thieves and swineherds
ran off with a passel of screaming ladies
after who knows how many years of no ladies at all
(god knows Roman mythology
is no litany of respectful sweet lovemaking)
and anyway
who knows what happened
because after a while the Sabine women
stood up to their Sabine relatives
to prevent the war of revenge
saying no no it’s cool
we’d rather stay in Rome with these guys
even with all the murder and rape going on
so they did
and that’s how we got Rome.

The moral of the story is if you are a murderous horny demigod
raised on the milk of fucking wolves
you are a badass motherfucker
not afraid of a little state-sponsored rape
to secure your timeless legacy
because no woman will ever again
walk down the streets of Rome
without being leered at
to this very day.

The end.