Okay so Paul Bunyan

he’s this really huge guy
who is basically probably the main reason
that lumberjacks are considered badass
TO THIS VERY DAY
because this dude was big

HOW BIG WAS HE?

he was so big
it took three storks to deliver him to his parents
AS A BABY
he was so big
that when he was old enough to laugh and clap his hands
he DESTROYED HIS HOUSE
also at one point he sawed all the legs off his parents’ bed
for some reason
i guess because it was his DESTINY
he was so big
one time he made a fire
and he wanted to put it out
so he stacked rocks on top of it
and now it is called Mount Hood
he was so big
he dragged his axe behind him when he was walking
and made the grand canyon
this guy
was BIG
ok?

but none of that shit compares
to the time paul bunyan tamed the whistling river

ok so there’s this river right
it’s called the whistling river
because as a result of some fucked up natural phenomenon
this river likes to rear up
like a fucking majestic stallion or some shit
and let out a piercing whistle
every day
many times a day

this river is also a total asshole
it breaks up log rafts
it drowns loggers
it does everything a river is not supposed to do
and laughs about it
or i guess whistles about it

but then it fucks up
cause see one day paul bunyan is sitting by the river
prolly eating some flapjacks
when the river rears up
and chucks FOUR HUNDRED AND NINETEEN GALLONS
OF MUDDY WATER
INTO HIS BEARD

now i’m sure i don’t have to tell you
that a lumberjack’s beard
is NOT TO BE TRIFLED WITH
but Paul Bunyan gives the river a pass
he just goes back to his pancakes
and figures the river will behave itself
but no
NOOOOOOOOOOO
that river rears up
and chucks FIVE THOUSAND AND NINETEEN MORE GALLONS
AND SOME TURTLES
AND SOME FISH
AND SOME MUSKRAT
DIRECTLY INTO PAUL BUNYAN’S ALREADY SOAKING WET BEARD
plus his flapjacks are pretty wet

this is the kind of shit any self-respecting lumberjack cannot ignore
so what does paul bunyan do?
does he get up and move someplace where the river can’t soak him
NO
he decides
IM GONNA TAME THAT FUCKING RIVER
but how?
hmmm

So paul bunyan decides to do some thinking
and the way lumberjacks think
is they sit down
and they eat popcorn
for DAYS
paul bunyan eats so much popcorn
that after a week
the air is full of little white popcorn fluff
and the ground is covered with eighteen inches of popcorn scraps
for THREE MILES AROUND
and animals that wander into the area
immediately think it is winter
and freeze to death before they have a chance
to actually think about what they are doing
and the loggers have pot pie materials for weeks
but they also have to clean up all the popcorn scraps
so it evens out i guess

anyway finally paul bunyan leaps up like AHA!
i bet if i took all the kinks out of the river
and made it perfectly straight
it would calm the fuck down

BUT HOW?!
well i’ll just tie it to my massive blue ox
named babe
and she’ll tow it straight
oh but wait
it’s made of water
what am I going to tie my ox to it with
OH I KNOW

so paul bunyan and his ox go to the north pole
and he makes a box trap baited with icicles
and then goes and plays fetch with babe for a while
using GLACIERS
but he has to stop
because he floods florida
so then he goes back to check on his trap
and finds that he has caught SIX BLIZZARDS
man
i wish i had a box big enough to catch six blizzards
i’d open up a blizzard stand
and no one would buy any
because blizzards aren’t really something
you can physically manipulate
they basically just kill you
and ruin your things

but paul bunyan doesn’t see it that way
he lets go all but 2 blizzards
and he takes those back to his logging camp
and has Ole
this big swede
make two huge logging chains
and attach them to the blizzards
and then he goes to the whistling river
and jams the blizzards into it
and freezes it FOR SEVENTEEN MILES
so it is really having a hard time whistling at this point
and then paul hooks the river up to babe
and is like PULL OX PULL

but that river is TOOOOOOO ornery
it won’t budge
even though babe pulls those chains into solid iron bars
and digs ruts into the solid rock she is standing on
with her feet
because she is trying to run SO FAST

so then paul bunyan is like alright
no more bullshit
and grabs the chains too
and he and babe both pull SO HARD
they drag the river free of its banks
and through the prarie
really unpleasantly fast

finally they stop running
and turn around
and see that the river is TOTALLY STRAIGHT GUYS
but it is also somehow much shorter
without all the bends
i guess because all the excess bends material
is scattered all over the prarie
as a result of the VIOLENT WAY
IN WHICH PAUL BUNYAN AND HIS ANIMAL PAL DEVASTATED THE RIVER
so paul bunyan takes all the extra bends
and packs them up
and uses them later
when he needs to float logs
in the middle of the desert
because you get to ignore physics
as long as you are really really big

anyway then the river gets all huffy
because everything that made it the whistling river
and allowed it to be a total asshole
is officially GONE
so it refuses to whistle
and actually
this makes everyone really pissed off at paul bunyan
because they are like DAMMIT
WHAT IS GOING TO WAKE US UP AT THE CRACK OF DAWN NOW
WE ARE LUMBERJACKS
WE NEED TO WAKE UP EARLY AND ALARM CLOCKS DONT EXIST YET

but it turns out to be ok
because along comes this dude named squeaky swanson
with a speaking voice
that is never above a whisper
but a shriek
that can physically LIFT THE BLANKETS OFF EVERYONE IN CAMP
so every day squeaky swanson wakes up at the crack of dawn
and SHRIEKS EVERYONE AWAKE
solving every problem forever

so once again
the real hero of the story is not paul bunyan
who actually ruined the whistling river
and fucked over his campmates
and littered a lot of popcorn scraps all over
and flooded florida
and sawed the legs off his parents’ bed
but rather an unassuming man
with some kind of weird voice problem

so god bless america
home of the little guy
who can yell really loud

The End.