hey guys

i hope you are enjoying these american myths
i’m enjoying the shit out of them
if you want me to switch to some other country
or you just like some particular american myth
let me know in the comments
otherwise
i have enough material to last me a WHILE

also some chick named Beka started reading my myths out loud
she does a pretty good job
i’ve been posting links to her readings
at the tops of the myths she’s done
so keep an eye out
I MIGHT DO SOME TOO
THEN YOU MIGHT SEE MY FACE
BUT PROBABLY NOT
PROBABLY I WILL WEAR A GASMASK
OR A WELDING MASK

anyway enough administrative bullshit
time for you to hear about a man
whose ass
is SO BAD
other asses would cower at the mere mention of it

the owner of this ass
is PECOS BILL
now pecos bill was not always named that
for a while he was just named bill
this dude was not alive more than
say
ten seconds
before he started chewing knives and riding horses
and then crawling out of his mom’s wagon
when she wasn’t looking
and wrestling BEAR CUBS
and WINNING
NO JOKE GUYS

so the way pecos bill got the pecos part of his name
is one day his family was crossing the pecos river
and bill fell out of the wagon into the water
and his family was like SHIT DAMMIT
HE WAS GONNA BE SUCH A BADASS
oh well
and then his mom dies of being sad

BUT IT’S OK GUYS
BECAUSE PECOS BILL GETS FISHED OUT OF THE RIVER BY COYOTES
THAT IS A REASSURING THING TO HAVE HAPPEN
RIGHT?
well yeah actually as it turns out
the coyotes raise him as their own
for fifteen years
yeah that’s right
he’s one of THOSE kids

but then after fifteen years
Pecos bill is drinking out of the river
that bears his name
when his brother comes along
you know
punching cattle
i think punching cattle is an expression
meaning herding cattle
but i really prefer to imagine
that pecos bill’s brother
is just SOCKING COWS IN THE FOREHEAD
ALL ACROSS THE PRARIE
so that is the way i am telling this story

anyway he sees pecos bill squatting by the river
drinking out of it and shit
and he’s like HEY
AREN’T YOU MY LONG LOST BROTHER?
CUZ YOU LOOK LIKE MY DEAD MOM
and Pecos bill is like
YOUR MOM LOOKS LIKE YOUR DEAD MOM
ALSO NO
I AM A COYOTE
AWOO
and his brother is like bullshit
if you are a wolf
where the fuck is your tail huh
and pecos bill is like hm tough question
well i definitely have fleas
and i howl at the moon

and his brother is like son
EVERYONE in texas has fleas
and howls at the moon
you’re not special
also you clearly speak english
and walk on two legs
which is suspiciously uncoyotelike behavior
even in texas
now cut the bullshit
and put on this hat
and be a cowboy like me
and pecos bill is like ok
you talked me into it

so pecos bill becomes a cowboy
and he is the best ever
he invents branding cattle
also sitting on cattle until they behave
also the lasso
and his brother is like not bad
for some crazy asshole
who thought he was a coyote for 15 years
keep practicing kid
some day you’ll be a great cowboy
and he was right

which just goes to reinforce the point i’ve been making
which is that pecos bill is clearly not the hero of this story
just like paul bunyan was not the hero of his story
and john henry was not the hero of HIS story
because without his brother
Pecos bill would have farted around that river
with a pack of rabid coyotes
until some poacher found this naked dirt-streaked thing
fucking a she-coyote in the underbrush
and put an end to his special crazytime
see this is what america is all about
you can wrestle a thousand bears
and chew on a billion knives
but in the end
unless you have a competent sidekick to back you up
you are going to die of a gunshot wound while fucking a coyote

The END.