Fearful supplication
to socialite necromancer Diablo Von Wormfeeder
for the money necessary to tell this myth about some idiots

okay so Percival right
he’s riding around looking for the holy grail
or just fucking up knights and saving damsels or whatever
honestly all these dudes have fucking ADD
(except king Pellenor but that’s a totally different story)
because they will be riding along doing their sworn mission
when all of a sudden OH LOOK A CASTLE
or OH WHAT IS THIS A DRAGON
or LOOK ANOTHER GUY ON A HORSE
THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR:
INDISCRIMINATE VIOLENCE!
but back to the story at hand

see Percival may be a real strong dude
and he may have some really sweet armor now cuz he stole it from a dude he killed
but he is still a huge idiot
and in fact he will always be a huge idiot
this is a non-negotiable aspect of his character
but lo and behold here comes some knight
called Sir Gornamont
who just has to go trying to make Percival LESS STUPID SOMEHOW
he’s like DUDE
DUUUUUUDE
you have some sweet armor and everything
but everyone can tell almost immediately
that you fell out of the moron tree
while trying to pick stupidberries
for a dumbfuck casserole
here let me train you in some knight shit

OKAY SO RULE 1:
don’t kill dudes who are unarmed or tell you not to kill them
RULE 2:
be nice to damsels
RULE 3:
don’t ask so many fucking questions
questions are stupid and you are stupid for asking them
and percival is like ok sounds good
and OFF HE GOES LOOKING FOR MORE TROUBLE

and of course he finds trouble
all over the fucking place
trouble is everywhere in arthurian times
but eventually he gets pretty tired from all the trouble all the fuck everywhere
and he is like fuck i better find someplace to rest
so he gets to this river right
and there are some dudes fishing in the river
and they are like oh man sorry dude
there is no bridge for like a LOOOOONG ways
but you can totally stay at my castle
it’s over that way

so percival starts riding
and he’s riding and riding and riding
and he’s like where the fuck is this castle
but then SUPRISE
HERE IT IS
so Percival goes inside
and WHOA
THERE’S THE FISHERMAN
SITTING AT THE HEAD OF THIS BIGASS TABLE
HE IS THE KING
what the fuck how did he get here so fast
and why didn’t he give percival a lift
clearly there was some magic involved
are you telling me there was NO MAGIC TO SPARE?
BULLSHIT
OLDE ENGLAND HAS GOT MAGIC COMING OUT ITS FUCKING EARS
WHAT THE FUCK FISHER KING WAY TO TIRE OUT AN INNOCENT GOD-FEARING HORSE
but anyway the king is all laid up on a couch like mannn
i’m super injured dude
have been for a while
but yeah sit down have some food
and no sooner does Percival sit down
when some dude walks in with a bigass lance
and BLOOD IS FUCKING COMING OUT OF IT
and Percival is thinking what the fuck is this shit
but he doesn’t say it because he remembers that QUESTIONS ARE FOR IDIOTS
and then some chick struts in with a fancy ass goblet
and Percival is thinking DOUBLE WTF 2X MAX POINTS COMBO
but he doesn’t say SHIT
cause QUESTIONS ARE FOR IDIOTS
and these fuckers fancyswagger all across the room THREE FUCKING TIMES
and every time they do
ALL THE PLATES AND CUPS ON THE BIGASS TABLE FILL UP
AND EVERYONE EATS FOOD
and Percival is thinking THERE ARE SO MANY FUCKS THAT I WANT TO KNOW THE WHATS OF
but still he stays TOTALLY GRAVE-ASS SILENT
because QUESTIONS
ARE FOR
IDIOTS
and then they finish eating and the fisher king is like alright well
feeling pretty shitty cause of my grievous injuries
gonna hit the sack
night dude
and percival is like yeah for sure
and then he passes out
and wakes up in the morning
and EVERYONE IS GONE
but at least his armor has been cleaned so that’s good
and he gets on his horse
and he leaves the castle
and the drawbridge goes up behind him
and then he sees some chick standing around with a headless dude in her arms
like BOO HOO HOO THIS GUY IS DEAD CAN YOU TELL
and percival is like I WILL HELP
and the chick is like orly
can you reattach severed heads because that is basically the only solution here
and Percival is like well shit
guess not then
and the chick is like PS
you are an asshole
if you had asked even one question during that feast
the king would have been totally healed
because that cup?
THAT WAS THE HOLY GRAIL
and that lance
apparently stabbed christ in the nuts
so WAY TO GO ASSHOLE WAY TO FIND THE GRAIL AND THEN JUST FUCKING FAIL ON ALL COUNTS

so percival goes back to Camelot all sad-like
and tells arthur about this shit
and then some ugly bitch shows up like HEY
PERCIVAL
IN CASE YOU FORGOT ALREADY
YOU FUCKED UP
WHY DIDN’T YOU ASK ANY FUCKING QUESTIONS
and percival is like holy shit i get it ok
how about i go back out and find the stupid grail again
how about that
how about i find it and then i’ll ask a FUCKTON of questions
how does that sound
will you fucking stop bothering me if I do that?
and the old chick is like sure whatever
and Percival does actually eventually find the grail
but i’m pretty sure he doesn’t ask any fucking questions
so there goes that promise

anyway the moral of the story
is if you see a bunch of weird shit going on
and you have no idea what that shit is
it’s probably the holy grail
so fuck asking questions
just take that shit

the end.